Scared of Forever (Scared #2) (23 page)

Thankfully the BMW
still has gas, and I floor her all the way to Providence. I just need
enough money to get to Phoenix. Money, hope, and love. I’m going to
find her, and fuck everyone else.
I’ll
scour every corner of the world if I have to
.

The beaches in Rio were
beautiful. The canals in Venice, simply breathtaking. The peaks of
the Andes, an awe-inspiring sight. For months I have immersed myself
in my work. I’ve been surrounded by beauty; gorgeous women, exotic
countries. But for months, I have also been utterly miserable. Trying
to fill the days by any means necessary. I haven’t been able to
bring myself to even speak to another woman. Emily’s face haunts my
every dream. So much so that I haven’t even called my father, for
fear of hearing that her and Blake are married now. Though, I do
wonder if Blake has changed. If he was better, for her sake. Then
again, for someone as amazing as Emily, why wouldn’t he?

My mother has attempted
to call me a few times. I recognize the number. I don’t answer her
calls, and I delete every voicemail message without listening to them
first. I don’t want to hear her gloat about how her precious son
got the girl.

Sitting in Hokkaido,
Japan, in a park, alone on a bench, I stare up in awe at the rows and
rows of blooming cherry blossoms.
One
week
. That’s all they have. One week of majestic bloom.
It’s the end for the trees in Hokkaido. The petals float in the
hundreds from the tree branches to the ground. Fleeting beauty,
absolute ethereal love, kind of like what Emily was to me.

My first thought at
every destination was,
Emily
would love this.
I have one more job scheduled in Morocco,
before I have a few weeks off. I have contemplated going back to New
York so many times. It’s been a year since I last saw her. Our last
conversation eats at me. How we ended things before I left. The
memory of the day we spent in my apartment is the only comfort I have
now.

I’ve been so
unfocused recently that I had to hire a PA just to keep my calendar
in order. I was quickly earning a reputation as a flaky photographer.
It’s been so long.
Too long.
Grabbing my cell phone, I dial my father’s number. He answers after
two rings.

“Tyler?” he asks
happily. I can hear his wide grin all the way from Japan.

“How are you? Where
are you?”

“Japan,” I reply.
“I’m wrapping up here in a few days, though.”

“Really? Where to
next?”

“I could travel for a
while longer. But I could also come home.”

“You could. Listen
Tyler, a lot has happened since you left.”

“Like what?” I ask,
equal parts hopeful and terrified.

“Just a lot. Your
mother has sworn me to secrecy about everything. Ordinarily I
wouldn’t pay her any mind, but this time, I think I have to.”

“Dad,” I say,
getting impatient.

“Look, I think you
should come home. See for yourself.”

“You may have already
been told about what happened. I don’t really want to come home to
see what I think I’ll see in the aftermath.”

“You may be
surprised,” my father replies cryptically. “Listen, I have to go,
it’s my tee time. Don’t let it be another twelve months before
you call again.”

“Sure. Bye.”

I ponder over my
father’s words for a few hours, staring at the falling cherry
blossoms, before I dial Mary, my PA, and tell her to cancel the job
in Morocco and book us flights back to New York. I hang up from the
call both thrilled and filled with dread at what I’ll see when I
get home.

Needless to say, I
knocked back a few whiskey shots on the plane ride. The trip seemed
eternal. But with every mile we flew at this ridiculous altitude, the
tighter the knot in my stomach became.
There
was a reason why I preferred to run away from my life at home.
By the time we arrived, my palms were sweaty. My shirt underneath my
leather jacket soaked.
So much
for the easy going Tyler
.

Mary has booked a town
car to take me to my apartment and her to her hotel. I decide to give
her a few weeks off to see her family in Texas. She gratefully
accepts, and books the flight for the next day. Many a male photo
editor has commented to me about how attractive Mary is. It doesn’t
matter much to me, though.
She
isn’t Emily
.

Arriving at my
apartment feels good. I feel grounded again. Realizing that it would
be better to face my demons than have them creep up on me, I dump my
bags and immediately walk back out the door. Standing in front of
Blake’s apartment, it takes me a good five minutes of just standing
before I knock.

I presume, being the
middle of the week, that Blake is at work. I hope so, anyway. A few
seconds later, an elegant middle-aged woman opens the door and smiles
politely and expectantly at me.

“I’m looking for
Emily,” I say, confused.

“I think you have the
wrong apartment,” she says curtly.

“No, it’s the right
one. Doesn’t Blake Carson live here?”

“He may have before.
We’ve owned this place for just over three months now. Before us, I
believe it was vacant for some time,” she replies before smiling
and closing the door.

What
the fuck is going on?
I know my father’s been sworn to
secrecy. My mother, well, her I won’t even bother calling.
Who
else would know where she is?
Then it dawns on me.
Jackson
. I flick
through my contacts, praying that I still have his number, and
practically jump for joy when I find it.

Jackson picks up after
three rings.

“Hello,” he answers
cheerfully.

“Jackson, it’s
Tyler,” I reply.

“Hey man! Where are
you? Are you back in town?”

“I just arrived. Hey,
listen dude, do you know where Blake and Emily moved to?” To this
day, I still hate referring to them as a couple.

“Blake
and
Emily? As in, together? Dude, what fucking destitute
country have you been in that you haven’t heard?” Jackson’s
voice rises in disbelief.

“Heard what?”

“There is no more
Blake and Emily. Not since the day you left.”

“What happened? Wait,
I don’t care. You mean Emily hasn’t been with my brother for the
last year?”

“You really have been
someplace with no cell service, haven’t you?”

“Where is she?” I
ask, my heart pounding.

“Dude, Maia will hang
me by my balls for telling you. She’s pretty pissed at you.”

“Jackson, please,”
I practically beg.

Jackson sighs. “Only
because I know how into her you are. But you did
not
hear this from me! She’s at the beauty salon. She stays
in the apartment above it. But Tyler, you should know—”

“Thanks man, we’ll
talk soon!” I hang up the phone and push the elevator button about
a million times in the next few seconds, anxious to get back to the
street. To get back to Emily. And find out just what the fuck is
going on. I feel like such an idiot for leaving her and staying
disconnected for so long.

Thankfully, Mary and
the town car are still downstairs. I shove in next to her and give
the driver the address, promising she can have the car back as soon
as he drops me off. Mary offers to wait, in case I need a ride back.
I tell her it’s not necessary before slamming the door shut.

Janie glares at me as I
open the beauty salon door. “Is Emily here?” I ask.

“Why? Don’t think
we don’t know what you did to her,” she rebuts angrily.

I don’t wait for a
response. I walk around the side of the building and find the
staircase. Reaching the top, I raise my hand to knock. It stops
midair. A whole year has gone by. I really didn’t think this
through. Then again, since I spoke to Jackson, I haven’t really
thought at all. What if she’s in there with someone else?
Enough
running Tyler, time to man up.
I raise my closed fist to
the door, and knock.

“Emily!” Mac yells
from behind my closed door. “Try to keep it down!”

“Sorry, Mac,” I say
over the loud cries.
Oh, how I
miss sleep
. What I wouldn’t give to have just one night
of uninterrupted slumber. But that is no longer possible. I turn in
my bed, leaning towards the recently acquired most important person
in my life.

The bassinet’s
netting billows softly with the spring breeze blowing in from the
open window. The moonlight casts a beautiful glow over her porcelain
skin.

“Oh Sadie,” I
breathe, picking the small bundle up into my arms. Her cries
immediately stop. She clutches with fervor for my breast. I run my
hand over her dark hair, staring into her clear and sparkling brown
and green-flecked eyes. Who knew that I’d be sitting here, staring
at the only Carson grandchild, as a single mother, living with my gay
best friend, and making minimum wage as a beautician? It’s not an
easy life, but it’s mine, and mine alone.

And yet, who knew that
I’d also be so happy? I’ve seen Blake once since Sadie’s birth.
And once was enough. Help had come from the most unlikely source.
Eliza Carson was supportive through every step of my pregnancy, and
that had absolutely floored me. I wanted to hate her for everything
that had happened between us in the past, but after a while, the
hatred became exhausting. And she truly had embraced the role of
grandmother beautifully. I think this was a second chance for her.
And she was grateful that I had allowed her that.

Maia and Jackson also
barely ever left my side. Jackson behaved, when I was pregnant, as if
I was made of some ungodly expensive crystal, not even allowing me to
pick up so much as a toothpick unassisted. Maia would laugh and
tease, “God help me when I’m pregnant!’

Tyler has been
mentioned in passing, but most of the people close to me have seen
the pained look that crosses my face at the mere sound of his name,
so they’ve stopped saying it.

But looking at Sadie,
watching her curl her long fingers around mine, I am finally happy.
Once she settles down, I close my eyes. Welcoming the sleep that
comes instantly. Tyler’s face still meets me in all my dreams. But
that’s where I keep him, all to myself, where he’s not the person
who left me.
He’s just Tyler.

Mac takes care of Sadie
on Thursdays and Fridays while I work at the beauty salon. At first I
was apprehensive to leave her.
She’s
all I have in this world
. But when I saw the love he had
for her, how wonderful he was at taking care of her, and once he
stopped dry heaving when changing her diaper, I felt more
comfortable. Eliza insists that I don’t work, but I insist that I
do. She has set up a trust for Sadie, for which I am thankful. I
agreed because the conditions of our deal were clear. She’s welcome
in Sadie’s life, on my terms only. And my only term was that she
doesn’t mention me, or any of this, to Tyler. She had agreed. It’s
a stupid rationale, but I wanted him to come back because he
wanted
to be with me, not have his hand forced by circumstance.