Schemer (30 page)

‘I’ll see you there,’ Joe said, keen to make his escape.

Marlene linked arms with Marge and dragged her over to where Barry was standing.

‘Are we gonna go?’ Marge asked her pal.

Marlene smirked. ‘I wouldn’t miss it for the fucking world.’

Stephanie and Wayne had just enjoyed a first-class lunch in Smith’s fish restaurant in Ongar. It had been ages since they had been out as a couple and Steph had thoroughly enjoyed herself. ‘We must do this more often once we’ve got the wedding out of the way, Wayne. I can’t remember the last time you and I went out without the kids, can you?’

Wayne squeezed Stephanie’s hand. ‘It’s my fault, I’m always working lately, but I promise you faithfully, once we’re wed, we’ll do shit like this at least a couple of times a month.’

Stephanie looked lovingly into her man’s eyes. Because of Wayne being a workaholic and the children’s presence, it had been ages since they had made love. Apart from the odd late-night fumble, their sex life had suffered from the stresses of everyday monotony over the past year or so. ‘I’ve got a fab idea,’ Stephanie suggested.

‘What, babe?’

‘Why don’t I get Dannielle’s friend’s mum to pick her up from school, so we can go home and have a bit of me and you time? I told my mum that I wouldn’t pick Tyler up until sixish, so what do you think?’

‘Why didn’t your mum go to work today? Is she ill?’ Wayne asked.

‘No. Both her and Cath booked a day off work so they could watch the comings and goings across the road for Jake’s funeral. Gutted, my mum was when I dropped Tyler off. She reckons Marlene must be stopping elsewhere,’ Steph said, laughing.

‘Serves her right for being so bleedin’ nosy. Shall we go mad and order another bottle of champagne?’ Wayne asked.

‘Don’t you fancy a bit of us time?’ Stephanie asked, slightly dismayed that Wayne hadn’t done somersaults over her romantic suggestion.

‘Yeah, course I do. I just thought, if we ain’t in no rush, we could have a bottle of champagne first.’

Stephanie smiled. ‘OK, whatever.’

Within five minutes of arriving at the wake, Marlene and Marge clocked Donkey Dave heading towards them.

‘Nice to see you again, Marlene. I’m so sorry for your loss. How have you been coping?’ Dave asked, completely ignoring Marge’s presence.

‘Fucking brilliantly! Her partner gets his brains blown out right in front of her, so how do you think she’s coping?’ Marge asked, sarcastically. Dave had nearly ripped her insides in half, so how dare he bloody blank her as though she were invisible?

‘You look well, Marge. Have you lost some weight?’ Dave asked, mockingly. She looked even more obese than when he had shagged her.

‘No I ain’t, you cheeky bastard. Look, we don’t wanna talk to you, so why don’t you go and nuisance somebody else?’ Marge replied, glaring at him.

‘I don’t particularly want to talk to you either, but I was asked to come over here by the family to politely ask the pair of yous to leave.’

‘I beg your fucking pardon?’ Marlene asked. She was absolutely astounded.

‘Jake’s family arranged this wake as a private function for their close friends and family, and yous two are neither,’ Dave said bluntly.

‘You cheeky fucking wanker,’ Marge screamed.

Dave held his hands up, palms facing outwards. ‘Listen, this has nothing to do with me, I’m just the mug that’s been asked to give out the orders. If it were up to me, you could both stay, but it ain’t.’

‘Go and find my Barry, Marge,’ Marlene ordered. Barry hadn’t wanted to attend the wake, but Marlene had begged him to. Now he had disappeared, which was just like her son. He was never there when you needed him. When Marge stomped off, Marlene turned back to Donkey Dave. ‘You can go back over there and tell Jake’s family of grim reapers that I ain’t going fucking nowhere.’

Marge returned a couple of minutes later with Barry in tow and two large glasses of wine in her hand. Marlene snatched at the wine, downed it in one and grabbed another off a nearby table. ‘I have never been so insulted in all of my life. I’m fucking going over there in a minute to give them cunts a piece of my mind. Who do they think they are, eh?’ she said to Barry.

‘Why don’t we just go, eh Mum? I said it was a bad idea us coming here, so why don’t I take you and Marge for a nice meal somewhere? We can have a toast for Jake there, can’t we?’

‘If I’m gonna leave then I’m leaving in style,’ Marlene announced, pushing her son out of the way.

‘Go with her, Marge,’ Barry ordered. He knew what an acid tongue his mother possessed and there was no way he was embarrassing himself by standing in on one of her little slanging matches. A man of his ilk did not get involved in crap like that.

Miranda and Isabelle, Jake’s daughters, and his ex-wife, Anne, looked at Marlene in horror as vulgar words and insults spewed out of her mouth. They had never seen or met Marlene before, but every vile description they had ever been given of the woman was actually worse in the flesh.

‘I want you to leave now. You’re upsetting my daughters and making a complete show of yourself and us at the same time,’ Anne said coldly.

‘Making a show of myself! You’ve got some brass neck, you have, and so have them two ugly fuckers,’ Marlene said, pointing at Jake’s daughters. ‘None of you would give my Jakey the time of day when he were alive, you all hated him, so what you making yourself busy at his fucking funeral for, eh?’

‘How dare you call my daughters ugly, you tasteless old tart, and for your information, my daughters spoke to their father regularly, way before his death. Whenever he was over in England, Jake would visit them and me. For my girls’ sakes, I decided to put any grievances I had with Jake to one side. He was their dad, after all.’

‘You lying fucking whore. My Jakey would have told me if he had visited you or them. I ain’t stupid, you know. I know exactly why you’ve reared your ugly, venomous heads now. It’s because you’re hoping to cop some money in his will, that’s why.’

‘I want you to leave this very minute,’ Anne’s brother demanded, grabbing Marlene by the arm.

‘Get off her,’ Marge screamed, throwing a right hander Thomas’s way and catching him full on the chin.

When Thomas went sprawling, all hell broke loose, and Barry had no option but to run over to the fracas to try and rescue his mother.

‘I loved my Jakey with all of my heart and I’ve been treated worse than a leper today by everybody. I hope you’re all ashamed of yourselves,’ Marlene screamed, as her son dragged her out of the building.

‘Marlene will have the last laugh, you bunch of no-good cunts,’ Marge shouted, before Barry bundled her out through the door as well.

‘What is the matter with yous two? I have never felt so embarrassed in all my life,’ Barry said.

‘Shut it, you soppy bastard. You might think you’re upper class now, boy, ’cause you have a few bob in your pocket and a posh tart on the go, but you ain’t. I’m your mother and I know exactly what you are.’

‘And what’s that meant to mean? On second thoughts, don’t even bother telling me. Just get in the car, will you?’ Barry said. He hated his mother in drink; she was an arrogant cow and he couldn’t be bothered arguing with her, today of all days.

Marge got into the back of the car with Marlene. ‘Well, you said if you had to leave you were going in style, and you sure did that, mate,’ she said, laughing.

Marlene wasn’t in a very jovial mood. All she could think of was what Anne had told her and she didn’t like it one little bit. ‘Did you know anything about Jake being back in contact with his daughters, Barry? I know he used to talk to you.’

‘He never said anything to me about it. His ex-old woman was probably just trying to wind you up.’

‘That woman was a fucking liar, mate. Don’t be listening to anything she said,’ Marge assured her friend.

‘Well, she had better be lying, because if I find out that shrivel-cocked, good-for-nothing old bastard has left his family one penny in his will, as God’s my judge, I will go ballistic.’

Back in Chigwell, Stephanie and Wayne had just finished making love. ‘I don’t arf love you,’ Stephanie said, as Wayne rolled off her.

‘And I love you too,’ Wayne replied, getting out of bed and putting his jeans on.

‘Don’t get up yet. Let’s have a cuddle for a bit,’ Stephanie said, grabbing Wayne’s hand.

‘I need to shoot down the gym, babe. I just wanna check that everything’s OK.’

‘But you said you were taking the day off,’ Steph replied miserably.

Wayne smiled, leant across the bed and kissed his wife-to-be. ‘I have taken the day off, you dopey cow. It’s nearly five o’clock and you need to pick our kids up. I’ll be back by the time you get back.’

Stephanie grinned. She’d had such a fabulous day alone with Wayne, she didn’t want it to end. ‘Go on then, sod off and leave me,’ she joked.

Wayne laughed. ‘You should be so lucky. You’re stuck with me for the rest of your life, sweetheart.’

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Stephanie felt anything but excited as she got ready for her hen night the following Friday. She hated fuss, detested being the centre of attention, and if it wasn’t for Tammy forcing her to go out, she wouldn’t have had a hen do at all.

‘Wow, you look amazing, babe,’ Wayne said, poking his head around the bedroom door.

Stephanie smiled. She hadn’t bothered buying anything new for what was meant to be her big night. Instead, she had chosen to wear her long sleeveless red dress, silver sandals and diamante jewellery that she had bought last year. ‘I really don’t feel like going out, Wayne. I might just have the meal, then come straight home. Tam’s talking about going clubbing afterwards, but I know I won’t enjoy meself.’

‘Don’t be such a misery guts. Your hen night’s like your last night of freedom, so you’ve gotta have a good one. Anyway, I’ve invited the lads round for a beer tonight, so you don’t wanna be coming back too early.’

‘What lads? And what about the kids?’ Stephanie asked, annoyed. She hated leaving Tyler with Wayne at the best of times, even more so if he had been drinking.

‘Bazza and Danno are coming round. Don’t worry, the kids’ll be fine and we ain’t planning on getting shitfaced. We’re just gonna have a few cans, a takeaway, and plan next week’s stag do.’

‘But I thought you’d already planned your stag do. You said you was going to a club up town,’ Steph asked, in a distrustful tone.

‘We are going to a club up town, but the lads wanna do it properly and book a hotel and stuff. The thing is, I doubt we’d get back until six the next morning, so what is the point of me coming in pissed up and waking you and the kids? We might as well book a couple of rooms somewhere. You know me, Steph, I don’t like the kids seeing me too drunk and I’m bound to get completely rat-arsed on me stag night, ain’t I?’

‘Please don’t stay out all night, Wayne. You might trust Barry Franklin, but I don’t, and I shall really worry if you’re out with him all night.’

Wayne laughed. ‘Chill out, for fuck’s sake, Steph. Bazza’s cool and he ain’t gonna murder me, babe. I’m sure if he were going to blow my brains out for stealing you off him, he would have done it years ago.’

Feeling a bit silly, Stephanie put her arms around Wayne’s neck. ‘Just think, in two weeks’ time from now, I’ll be twenty-four hours away from becoming Mrs Jackman.’

Wayne grinned and kissed Steph on the forehead. ‘All the more reason why you should celebrate until you drop tonight, girl. I mean, can you imagine how many other women would kill to be in your position?’

Stephanie playfully punched Wayne on the arm. Wayne had rated himself highly even as a schoolboy and had never lost any of his confidence over the years. ‘Do you remember that time I first asked you out when I was sitting opposite the station on Heathway Hill?’

‘Yeah, sort of.’

‘Well, after mugging me off in front of Tammy like you did, you’re the one who should be thinking yourself lucky, big man.’

Wayne chuckled. ‘Yeah right, darling.’

Angela Crouch was not in the best of moods. Not only had she been forced to take the night off work to attend Stephanie’s poxy hen night, her mother was now giving her grief over Aidan.

‘What do you mean, Mum? I ain’t unreliable, I just got the dates mixed up. I’ve turned up tonight, ain’t I?’

‘That little boy has been so looking forward to going to the zoo tomorrow. What am I meant to tell him now, eh?’ Pam shouted.

‘Why don’t you tell him that you made his mother go on his Auntie Stephanie’s fucking hen night and she had to lose a night’s wages, therefore has to work tomorrow. I’m sorry, Mum, but I can’t afford to take two days off work. Just tell Aidan I’ll take him to the zoo some other time,’ Angela replied coldly.

‘You don’t even work in the daytime. You are such a selfish bitch, Angie. You really don’t deserve kids,’ Linda piped up.

Relieved when the cab pulled up outside the restaurant, Pam turned around in the front seat. ‘We’re here now, so please let’s not argue no more. This is Steph’s big night so let’s all go in there with smiles on our faces, shall we? I’ll take Aidan out somewhere tomorrow, OK? He’ll be fine, I’ll make sure of it.’

Angela’s false smile turned to a look of dismay the moment she walked into the restaurant. When her mother first suggested that she be Stephanie’s bridesmaid, she had only gushed with delight, saying ‘she would love to be one’ because she had known how much it would wind her sister up. Now, because of her own stupidity, here she was, stuck in some shitty Greek restaurant in Waltham Abbey with her horrendous family and a four-foot inflatable penis.

Giggling like a naughty schoolgirl, Linda ran over to the penis and picked it up. At four foot, the penis was the same height as Linda. ‘I wish my Keith had one this size,’ she yelled.

When everybody burst out laughing, Angela couldn’t even manage to crack a smile. This had the night from hell stamped all over it and she couldn’t wait for it to be over.

Wayne Jackman ended the phone call, turned to Barry and Danno and grinned. ‘All sorted, boys. I’ve booked us three rooms and they’ve got an all-night bar there as well.’