Scurvy Goonda (25 page)

Ted looked at the phone on the wall.

“Bugslush, it’s time for you to make a call.”

If Persephone had had tear ducts, she would have been crying. If she had had a heart, it would have been broken.

This was
not
how she had pictured her wedding day. Yes, she was standing on a platform while her seamstresses whirled around her, draping her wedding dress over her bones. She had already spent an hour in the makeup chair and another hour having an expensive wig fitted to her skull, but none of it was fun or as special as she had hoped it would be, what with Scurvy sitting in a cage in the corner of the room.

“The groom ain’t supposed tah see tha bride ‘fore tha weddin’,” said Scurvy.

“Yes, and the groom is
also
not supposed to fight off dozens of employees of the bride while screaming that he doesn’t want to get married!” said Persephone.

“Ya gotta point,” said Scurvy.

“I will
not
be embarrassed!” said Persephone, sliding her talons into a pair of high-heeled shoes. “This wedding is
happening!”

At least
, thought Scurvy,
if I’m in me cage, maybe I won’t have tah kiss the bride
.

“Here,” said Persephone, throwing Scurvy’s tuxedo into the cage. “Tux up!”

Dutifully, Scurvy began to strip off his dirty pajamas. There was a knock at the door.

“THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT!” said Persephone.

A guard peeked his head into the room, holding a telephone on a gold platter.

“Telephone,” grunted the guard. “Bugslush.”

Persephone grabbed the phone.

“WHAT?” she said.

“Hello, President Skeleton,” said Bugslush on the other end of the line. “I have some good news for you.”

Persephone paused.

“Why aren’t you stuttering?” said Persephone.

In the laboratory, Ted hovered over Bugslush with the badminton racket he had recovered. Bugslush wasn’t stuttering because he was so nervous that he had actually
overloaded
the stuttering part of his brain and could therefore speak normally.

“Just feeling relaxed,” said Bugslush.

“What do you want?” said Persephone.

“I wanted to let you know that we cracked the formula for the solution.”

“Excellent!”

“And we were thinking that instead of taking ACORN to the processing factory,” said Bugslush, “you could simply have ACORN fighters brought over to the lab, and we could hose them down. They wouldn’t even need to be taken out of the trucks.”

Persephone thought about this.

“That
would
be simpler than having them trucked back and forth,” Persephone admitted.

“It would also give us the chance to see if the solution works on
everybody,”
said Bugslush.

Persephone thought about this.

“Fine. Do it,” she said, and hung up. “Have the prisoners brought to the lab,” she directed the guard who had brought in the phone.

When the guard had exited, Persephone took a deep breath.

“Could I see that broom for a moment?” said Persephone to a seamstress sweeping up stray pins. When she had the broom in her wing, she flipped it around, walked over to Scurvy’s cage, and poked him with the handle.

“Kiss your bacon GOODBYE!” said Persephone. “From now on all you get for your stomach are broom handles! EAT THAT HANDLE!”

“Arrgh,” said Scurvy.

Had Ted failed?

Hordes of guards had returned to the cell block, and he and the others hadn’t returned from their mission to the laboratory.

Maybe he and Carolina are under a tree somewhere too busy kissing to save their comrades
, thought Joelle-Michelle.
I bet they’re picnicking
.

“Ha!” shouted one of the guards. “Look at dis! We accidentally left da cells unlocked and dey didn’t go nowhere! ACORN
is
stupid!”

Joelle-Michelle lowered her head and let herself be forced up the staircase by the guards, feeling the cold stone under her shoeless foot. The rest of ACORN walked next to her, equally downhearted. She looked over at Eric—the bonsai tree growing out of his head was nothing but twigs. She looked at Brother Dezo, whose lei had been ripped to shreds. He was still holding some of the flower scraps in his hand.

When the members of ACORN were forced into the transport trucks, Joelle-Michelle found herself sitting across from Dwack, Vango, and Dr. Narwhal.

“I’m sure Ted did his best,” said Joelle-Michelle.

“Certainly,” said Dwack.

“President Skeleton has such a huge army,” started Joelle-Michelle, “and that Carolina couldn’t have been much help to
him.” The guards shut the back door, plunging the truck into darkness, and she could hear the doors of other trucks slamming shut. The truck started to move.

Joelle-Michelle heard ab-coms weeping.
This
was her ACORN? This was how she led her forces?

“Non!”
said Joelle-Michelle. In the dark, she could hear the sound of heads turning toward her.
“Messieurs et mesdames!
This may be our last ride, but I want to tell you, I am proud to have known each and every one of you. If we are to face our fate inside a processing factory, it is an honor to think my processed parts might someday be combined with yours. But we will
not
go down with a whimper. And so I say to you:
let us rock this truck!”

Joelle-Michelle threw her back against the wall.

“One wall, and then the next!” she shouted. “We will topple these trucks, and if they want to take us to our graves, they will have to
drag
us fighting!
Allons-y!
Let’s go!”

Joelle-Michelle threw herself against the wall again, and this time, other ACORN fighters joined in, slamming against each other and the walls, rocking the truck back and forth.

“Keep going!” said Joelle-Michelle.

The truck tilted up on one set of wheels and then the other.

Then the truck stopped. There was a banging sound up front, and then muffled shouts from outside of “Hey!” and “What the—” which were followed by more thumps.

“Here they come,” said Joelle-Michelle to her troops. “When they open the door, we will rush them. I will lead.”

There was the sound of jangling keys outside the door, which then flew open, filling the truck with light.

“Allez!”
shouted Joelle-Michelle, charging out of the truck with the rest of ACORN at her back. Her body thumped into
another body, sending it sprawling, and she heard someone yell “Stop!” at the same moment she found herself flying through the air and skidding across the ground in a purple puddle.

Joelle-Michelle covered her head, but nobody was attacking her. When she looked up, Carolina was standing above her, holding a fire extinguisher, offering her hand.

“Come on,” said Carolina. Ted, trying to catch his breath, was lying in the middle of the purple puddle where Joelle-Michelle had barreled into him.

“That’s what I get for rescuing you?” said Ted. A fire extinguisher lay on the ground next to him. Farther along, Joelle-Michelle saw Swamster, who was wearing a WATCHOUT! suit and rushing from truck to truck, spraying the drivers with his own fire extinguisher.

“You ambushed the trucks,” said Joelle-Michelle, disbelieving. He hadn’t let them down—he had saved them?

“We filled the fire extinguishers with VIDGA solution,” Ted explained. He took something out of his pocket.

“Your slipper,” he said. “Foot up.” Joelle-Michelle raised her foot, and Ted slid her shoe on.

“Merci,”
said Joelle-Michelle, smiling.

Carolina rolled her eyes.

“Get everybody inside,” said Ted. “There are no more extinguishers, but I have some other ideas.”

Noon-ish.

The last of the important guests were taking their seats at the tables closest to the wedding gazebo—mostly politicians who had supported Persephone, interspersed with individuals such as the peacock who had done the interior design on her apartment. For additional security, Persephone was using guards as ushers. Once the guards had seated the important guests, they formed a line across the courtyard, behind which common abstract companions could stand and get a peek at the social event of the millennium.

Persephone peered out the window. Her bones were chattering, and she hoped her guests wouldn’t be able to tell that she was nervous. After all, this wasn’t the
good
kind of giddy, it’s-my-wedding-day nervousness. No, Persephone was nervous about what guests would
say
. They were bound to gossip—it was probably never a good sign when the groom was in a cage. But she was hoping that once they attacked New York, all the guests would be too busy exterminating humans and wreaking revenge and those sorts of things to chew over the wedding details.

The bride picked up a pair of binoculars and looked out at the laboratory on the border of the palace grounds. The trucks
were still parked out front and there were splashes of purple on the ground—Bugslush and the scientists were apparently doing a nice job getting rid of those tacky ACORN troops.

“Good riddance,” said Persephone.

She took a final look at herself in the mirror. Her makeup was perfect. Her plush blond wig sat high on her skull. Her bridal gown hung from her shoulder blades, loose on top and hemmed in around her waist, which gave her the appearance of having
curves
. The effect was dramatic, with that long train that stretched out behind her. Persephone felt pretty.

She checked the clock—ten minutes past noon. In fifteen minutes, Scurvy would be wheeled in his cage to the wedding gazebo, and in twenty minutes, Persephone would walk herself down the aisle.

She lowered her veil, and her world turned white.

In the meantime, ACORN was tearing apart the inside of the laboratory—chairs, counters, plumbing, ceiling fans—salvaging anything that could be swung, shot, or thrown. Ted, Declan, and Carolina were in charge of dipping the make shift weaponry into the cauldron of knockoff VIDGA solution, after which Swamster distributed the weapons, instructing their new owners on how to hold them without inadvertently popping themselves. Brother Dezo had recovered his ukulele, and he was working with Joelle-Michelle on a battle plan to hit the palace and cut Persephone’s army off from the main vent.

Ted caught his father looking at him over the cauldron.

“What is it?” said Ted.

“I’m so sad that I don’t know you,” said Declan.

“Me too,” said Ted. “But after the fight maybe we can fix that.”

“Then I’ll make sure we win if I have to take down every last one of them myself,” said Declan.

“Attention!” Joelle-Michelle commanded.

The ACORN fighters stopped what they were doing and turned her way.

“We have a rough plan,” said Joelle-Michelle. “We will be dividing into three groups—Ted, Brother Dezo, and I will each
lead one. Ted, unless you can imagine us to victory
now
, you will be leading the assault on the palace.”

Ted looked down at his birthmark. Nope. Nothing going on.

“Ah well, perhaps later,” said Joelle-Michelle. “For now you’ll need just a small group. Your main goal is to draw Persephone’s army toward the palace. At which point Brother Dezo and I will flank the army from opposite sides with larger divisions. The only way we’ll have a chance against that many troops is by surprising and trapping them from several angles.”

“What time does the wedding start?”

Everybody looked at Bugslush, who was tied up in the corner.

“Twelve-thirty,” said Bugslush.

Ted’s eyes flicked to a clock hanging on the wall. They only had eleven minutes.

“Get your group together,” said Joelle-Michelle.

“How many should I take?”

“You probably couldn’t even get into the palace with more than ten.”

Ted nodded. He looked around.

“Carolina?” said Ted. “You in?”

“Yep,” said Carolina. “Can Czarina come?”

“Of course,” said Ted. “Dad?”

“Side by side with my boy,” said Declan.

“Swamster?”

“At your service.”

Ted nodded. “I’ll be right back,” he said, and pushed his way
through the throng of ACORN fighters until he found Dwack, Dr. Narwhal, and Vango.

“Guys?” he said. “Feel like going on a doomed mission?”

“I’m in,” said Dr. Narwhal.

“We’ve done it before, haven’t we?” said Dwack.

“Hold on,” said Vango, removing a bottle of something from his painter’s bag. Vango uncorked the top and drank all that was left. “All right. Now I’m good to go,” he said.

Ted spotted Eric.

“Eric?” he yelled. “You in?”

The planda nodded.

“If we’re going with such a lean group,” said Ted, “we’re going to need all three fire extinguishers.”

“Take them,” said Joelle-Michelle.

“And some decent weaponry,” said Ted.

“Whatever you want,” said Joelle-Michelle. “And take lab coats with you for extra protection.”

Ted had his racket, and he took one of the fire extinguishers. Carolina and Declan took the other two fire extinguishers. Swamster found his umbrella in the pile of confiscated weapons. Dwack took another cane, while Dr. Narwhal grabbed a plumbing pipe. Vango would use his paintbrushes. Eric decided upon a stalk of bamboo he had found in the laboratory.

“If you get tempted, eat the handle, not the part that has touched the solution,” Swamster advised Eric.

Ted looked at his odd, brave group, all of whom were pulling on lab coats.

“This should be interesting,” he said.

“One more thing, Ted,” said Joelle-Michelle.

“Yeah?”

Before he could turn around, Joelle-Michelle leaned in and kissed him. On the lips.

“
Bon chance
. Good luck,” she said.

“Oh. I mean. Er,” said Ted. He turned to his troops. “Let’s go.”

Carolina shot a sharp look at Joelle-Michelle and got a wink in return.

Two weight lifters had tossed Scurvy’s cage onto a wheelbarrow and hauled it to the wedding gazebo, where the cage sat next to the bespectacled justice of the peace who would be conducting the ceremony. The assembled guests stared at him, whispering to one another.