SEAL Brotherhood 06 - SEAL My Destiny (4 page)

J
ulie knew better
than to ask him if anything was wrong as they drove back to her apartment. He wasn’t going to reveal anything about himself.

If she dug hard for answers, she might get stories and half-truths, just like the story about him not being in the military. She not only recognized the tats, she recognized some of the patterns of behavior. And that was beginning to send off warning signals.

It wasn’t for her to judge, although she liked him. Did it matter if she didn’t know where he grew up, what he really did? It hadn’t mattered last night. Why should it matter now?

She believed that he was single. She didn’t see him as someone who would lie about that. She was sure he was not a FedEx Driver. The huge shoulders and trim hips reminded her of her brother’s friends who had been assigned to the Special Ops Command in Coronado.

She wasn’t an expert on delivery driver tats, either, but she knew plenty of Special Ops guys with skulls and other extreme symbols inking up their bodies. The skull plastered between his shoulder blades was a dead giveaway. Luke’s barbed wire rings and bands of Celtic crosses were exactly what all the elite warrior types had.

Julie was trying to talk herself into believing she didn’t mind that he was private. But she just couldn’t understand why he wanted to be private today, when last night and this morning he’d been another man. And
that’s
the man she wanted to have sitting next to her right now.

What the heck happened?

She recalled watching him at the beach before they spoke last night. She’d known she was safe to intrude into his private space there, insert herself into his world.

Did I actually do that?

They’d had sex, what, five or six times? She couldn’t remember ever doing that before. But there had been something about the man who’d been sitting there, looking out over the whitecaps, drinking beer and clearly feeling melancholy, which had tugged on her heartstrings. Maybe she’d had no right to assume he wanted company. But then he seemed to need, in fact had even told her he’d needed, what she gave him. She didn’t think that was a lie, either.

They rode in silence past familiar streets, front porches and small picket fences and red tile roofs. She could feel him pulling away from her by the minute, though neither of them spoke. She got out her internal disclosure statement and double-checked her signature. Yup, she’d told herself this one could hurt if he never called her again. This type of guy was why she needed a disclosure statement in the first place. These were the ones where one moment you experienced the miracle of a life that could be, and the next you’d find yourself standing alone in the rain, locked out and without a friend.

She turned and decided to just do what she shouldn’t do. Ask him. What could it hurt? She knew he’d already made a plan, one that either included her or didn’t. And she didn’t know any other way to reach him. She knew it wasn’t smart, but she had to try, or she’d regret it.

“So, what have I done, Luke?”

He had a vacant look, like he’d been deep in thought and had forgotten she was even in the car. She searched his eyes, but he didn’t look at her. All he did was lean in her direction while he kept his eyes on the road.

“It’s not you.”

“What does that mean, Luke?”

“Means you didn’t do anything wrong.”

That stung. Sucked big time. It was difficult to hold the tears back. But no way was she going to let him see her cry. She wanted the dignity of a good cry in private.

Except it was such an almost-comical statement he’d made. In spite of what she thought was prudent, her lips turned up at the corners and she was about to laugh out loud.

She drew in a deep breath. “I did a lot of things last night, Luke, things I don’t normally do,” she said when he pulled over to the curb just outside her apartment complex. He started to get out and she put her hand on his forearm to stop him. “Did some zombie swoop down and take over your body? I’d like to know where the guy I fucked all night long went, Luke. If you run into him again, would you ask him to give me a call sometime?”

She let herself out of the car and heard swearing coming from his side of the front seat, and then out of the corner of her eye saw his towering frame stand up just outside the driver door.

“Look, Julie. Don’t blame yourself for any of this. It’s all on me.”

She turned and tilted her head until his eyes crept up to hers, and she finally was able to look directly into those icy blue wonders. She did see some pain and torment there, some of what she’d discerned from his body language before they spoke for the first time last night.

“Well, Luke, that’s the most honest thing you’ve said to me in the last hour.”

He tore his gaze away and stared at the ground. The car was an insurmountable barrier between them, still running.

“I’m a pretty understanding person, but this
is
all on you. No big deal if I said something that triggered some—”

“Like I said,” he shouted over the sound of the car engine and over her voice. “It’s not something
you
did. It’s something I did. And I’m sorry, but I’m not going to explain it.”

She watched him angrily throw himself back in the car and tear off down the street, squealing the tires as he rounded the corner. Out of her life forever.

‡

L
uke stopped by
the Rusty Scupper for a couple of beers, even though it was barely noon. He sat at the bar, staring up at the pictures of guys they’d lost. The young Marine’s picture should have been up there, but this wall was reserved for SEALs and the boat crews.

Being a medic, he understood the symptoms of PTSD. He’d had to pull guys from the arena due to the havoc it would wreak on everyone in a stressful combat situation. And having a guy not 100% was dangerous for all the guys around him.

He was going to speak to Kyle, his LPO, first. The last deployment had been hell on all of them. It was his first with this new team, Team 3, since he’d transferred from the East Coast just prior to their workup. His sister lived in San Diego. At first it had seemed like the change of scenery had done the trick. At first. He’d enjoyed working alongside Cooper, the tall medic who’d served with Kyle on four prior tours. In fact, all the guys in Kyle’s platoon were solid.

The Navy knew why he’d requested a transfer. But Kyle didn’t, unless he’d read his jacket, and he doubted his LPO had found the time, since they shipped out so soon after he arrived. With the escalating signs of trouble, his memory losses, mood swings, getting lost and finding himself in places he didn’t remember traveling to, he knew Kyle would be all over him before it became a problem for all of them. He wanted to stay in. Requesting a discharge felt more like ringing the DOR bell—Drop On Request—instead of completing the BUD/S training. So if he was staying, he’d better take the initiative. He’d seen guys try to cover up their issues. It was never pretty.

Kyle sauntered in with Cooper at his side. The handsome leader flashed him a big, toothpaste smile. Cooper bent his enormous 6’4” frame in a silent bow.

“So, Paulsen, what can I do you for?” Kyle asked.

Luke briefly glanced over at Cooper and then looked back at his LPO. Nobody moved. Kyle was smart and wanted another pair of ears on this conversation, meaning he’d already begun to smell something.

“I’m wondering if I should take myself out of the rotation for a cycle.”

“Oh, yes? Wanna tell me what’s goin’ on?” Kyle said as he perched on the edge of his seat.

“I’m having trouble sleeping. I’m having the same dreams over and over again.”

“What kind of dreams?”

“This lady with red lips—”

“Shit, you got that dream too?” Cooper hooted. “I’ve been married two years, and I still get that dream.”

Luke tried to chuckle along with them. He decided to try a more direct approach so they’d take him more seriously.

“Before my transfer I was dating this girl.” He looked up at Coop and Kyle and saw nothing register in their expressions. “Things got pretty hot and heavy, you know. I got her pregnant, so I was going to marry her. I mean, I loved her and all, but when I found out I got her pregnant, I had to marry her.”

“Um hum,” Kyle nodded.

“We’d gone down to Florida to visit her folks. Had a nice family weekend down there, and we told them about the engagement, figuring we’d have a little time to talk about the baby.”

“Okay, so far I get you. So what does this have to do with you not sleeping now? Something go wrong?”

Luke nodded his head. “I started having trouble sleeping last deployment. A real fuckin’ hellhole. We were training Afghan soldiers, and I just had this thought, this fear I couldn’t get out of my head, that this was the one that was going to get me. But I came back, and felt, you know.”

“Survivor’s guilt,” Kyle said.

“Yeah, some of that.”

Luke stared down at the bubbles in his beer glass. Cooper was chewing ice from his mineral water. Kyle had barely touched his beer.

“I fell asleep on the way home and crashed the car. She died there, Kyle. Died in my arms.”

It was the same every time he told the story. His eyes would ache something fierce, but the tears wouldn’t come until he closed his eyes. And it was usually when he was trying to sleep.

“I’m real sorry to hear it, Luke. I didn’t have any clue that was your story. So what’s going on now?”

“I thought the transfer would help. My sister lives in San Diego, sir. I seemed to be doing pretty good,” Luke continued.

“I had no complaints. You did your job, from what I could tell.” Kyle sighed. “So, this woman you’re dreaming about, the one with the red lips?”

“It’s not her. But the red is significant.”

“Go on.”

“I don’t know who the woman was. She wasn’t my, my—the girl I was going to marry.”

“Say her name.”

“Camilla.”

“Okay, good.”

“I—well, until last night as a matter of fact—I’d never seen her face. I just used to dream about the red lips. I was dozing off, dreaming that dream, when young Carson got hit. You remember?”

“Yes, two days before we came home.”

“Yes. Well, the lack of sleep was catching up to me. He let me take a little catnap, and that’s when he was hit.”

“And you took out the bad guy.”

“That I did. Without thinking, I did it. I can live with that part.”

“Good.”

“He died in my arms, just like she—Camilla—did. Just like her. I felt the blood, saw him pass over. I was there. Nothing I could do to stop it. I just witnessed it. And I was numb at the time, but now I have the nightmares, Kyle. I’m not sleeping more than an hour here and there.”

“And what does it add up to?”

“At the most, maybe four hours’ sleep.”

“And that’s not enough. You try using some meds?”

“No.”

“I’d get you some, Luke. You’ve got to get your sleep.”

“But now it’s more than sleep. It’s mood swings. I can be so incredibly happy one minute, and the next, I’m like in the pits of Hell itself.”

“When are you up for extension?” Kyle asked.

“Eighteen months. Was going to re-up when I went over the next time, but now I’m wondering if I should sit out a cycle.”

“You get to a doctor, first. You know we’ve just started those groups. Don’t want you with the inactives. You stay with the active duty SEALs.”

“I understand.” He took the last sip of his beer. “Do you think I should wait out a rotation?”

“It’s not for me to say. You’re telling me all this…which is the right thing to do, by the way…so thank you for being proactive. We like that. But I’ve not seen anything to indicate you’re not able to perform your duties. So we get you checked out. We do some PT evaluation. Your eyesight and hearing okay?”

“I’m fine in that department.”

“You getting fucked regular, like?”

Luke wasn’t quite sure he’d heard Kyle correctly.

“Sir?”

“Any things going on in your sex life you’re not happy with? I gotta ask.”

“No. Nothing’s wrong, sir. Except—”

“What?”

“I feel a little too needy about it.” He’d never admitted it to himself. Was this what was scaring him?

“Shit, Luke,” Cooper interjected. “That’s just normal. We all got it.”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” Luke replied.

“Then you get someone strong.”

Luke promised Kyle
he’d check himself in for a complete workup, including a psych evaluation. He got medication to help him sleep, and he began feeling better after a solid month of ten-hour nights. He stayed away from dating. He stayed away from complicated.

But he thought about Julie every day. She was the first thing he pictured in the morning, how she’d looked that sunny morning in the motel room. And she was the last thing he saw at night before the medication kicked in.

“
I don’t do uncomplicated. I like it rich and complicated. Entangled
.
And I want to be sorely missed when I’m gone.”

Well, the little lady had gotten her way. Trouble was, there was no fuckin’ way she would ever know about it. It wasn’t fair.