SEAL Of My Heart (8 page)

She saw how her sister studied her, looking for a crack in the veneer, something she could point out that would make her realize she was being foolish, something that would instantly change her attitude on the subject. She was hoping for some word of advice that would put it all into perspective so she could laugh at herself and move on with her plans.

But the look Gretchen gave her was all concern.

“From your appearance, I’d have to say to trust your gut. What do you think is right, Kate?” Gretchen was cautious and Kate could feel the tension, making the hair at the back of her neck stand at end.

“I’m not sure.”

“Sort of bad timing on that one, sis.”

“I realize. And I can’t honestly say when I will feel okay about it.” She hoped Gretchen would give her a sympathetic look, something to ease her pain. She wasn’t that lucky. Her sister paced back and forth, wringing her hands, and then, as though she’d forgotten to do it sooner, pumped some hand cream into her palm and began rubbing her fingers together. She brought the lemony cook’s moisturizer over and squirted a generous dollop into Kate’s palm.

As the two sisters looked down, working the cream into their skin, Gretchen whispered, “How long have you felt this way?”

“I think for a while. But it really hit me on the plane up here. I felt like I was breaking out of jail, Gretchen.”

“On the plane. Why would it raise its ugly head on the plane?”

Kate hoped she wouldn’t have to reveal any of her trip or her conversation with Tyler, but she did feel guilty. And it must have shown in her eyes, because Gretchen immediately seized on it.

“Who is he, Kate?”

‡

Kate,

I hope you don’t mind if I just jump into the letter-writing thing. Thought maybe if I got this right off to you, I’d have a chance to read yours, too, before I go. No pressure, though. I know you have family things you are doing and I don’t mean to intrude on that time.

I was just sitting here thinking about how meeting you happened so easily, it was like we’d known each other for a long time, and we picked up right where we’d left off. That never happens to me. Even before I joined the Teams, I was a pretty private person. Actually, I think I’m just naturally shy.

So it’s pretty funny how much I want to know everything about you. Hope that doesn’t make you nervous. I’m not meaning to be inappropriate, but I’m curious. What do you see as your future? Not that anything is wrong with working in your family’s winery, but what would you do, if you could do anything else? Hope this doesn’t offend you. If so, I’m sorry. I just wanted to know.

For me, it’s pretty simple. When I get home from deployment, I do all the things I love doing. You’d probably find it boring, but after I get back, I want to just play in the surf, have some beers with my buddies on the Teams, and play some soccer wherever I can find a game. We get all smelly and play indoor soccer with some of the Mexican guys who clean our clocks. Seems to help take me down a peg or two when I get to feeling like Superman and savior of the world. Kind of an occupational hazard.

And of course it makes a difference if we have wounded or guys who didn’t come back. That doesn’t happen very often, but it happens. Those returns are different. We are under high stress over there, and when we come home, well, we just want to be normal and blend in like one of the regular crowd.

So one day, when I retire from the Teams, I’d love to have a little farm, something small enough for me to work on my own. Got a couple of friends who might help me. Maybe plant some grapes. Do you know anything about planting grapes? What kinds are best for the climate in San Diego? Of course I don’t know if I can afford anything there, so would maybe have to go someplace less expensive. I was thinking I’d take some correspondence courses from UC Davis if they have any. Steer me any way you can, if you know of something I could take online. I usually have some sort of internet connection for part of our deployment, and being able to do something like that takes my mind off the boredom.

Speaking of which, my mom always likes it when I say I’m bored. Then she knows I’m not in firefights or high-risk missions. All the same, everything is risky these days. You probably know the motto we use, “The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday.” That’s us. Never looking for a softer, gentler ride, because it doesn’t exist in our field.

Wow. I’ve said a lot more than I intended to. Just nice to have someone listen to what’s going on with me, especially someone so beautiful. Your fiancé is a lucky man, but I guess all the guys say that to you.

Well, it was nice meeting you, Kate. I hope I haven’t said anything that scares you away. That would make me very sad.

He ended the letter with a smiley-face frown next to the word
sad.
He inhaled and scrawled his signature in big, flowing letters, hoping she’d think he felt more confident than he actually was.

He looked it over, correcting spelling errors and changing one word back and forth a couple of times. He wished he’d written it on something nicer than the binder paper he’d found in his old desk. But that would have to be it for now. He’d post it in the morning—then he had a thought.

Leaning back in his chair, he smiled at his new plan.

‡

K
ate and Gretchen
hashed over all of Kate’s fears after she briefly described her chance meeting with the SEAL. Her sister didn’t pry until they’d discussed the reasons for her hesitation about going forward with the wedding. It was all focused on why the matchup with Randy was wrong for her. But it became obvious a huge part of her decision was due to meeting Tyler.

“So, what’s he like?” Gretchen asked.

Kate leaned forward and lifted her coffee mug from the table, clutching it between her palms and savoring a sip of the now-cold liquid. She knew Gretchen was assessing her. “He’s handsome, of course.”

“Of course.”

“He’s gentle, but has something about him that’s strong. Really strong.”

“Well, he is a SEAL.”

“Yes, but it’s something else. I guess confidence is what I’d call it. He’s, like, controlled.”

“It’s how they train them.”

“No, it’s more than that. He isn’t just walking through life. He
lives
it. He embraces life. Living is precious to him.”

Their eyes met for a second and then Gretchen looked away, giving Kate the respite she needed.

“We talked about all sorts of things in the hour plus plane ride. Afterwards he gave me—well, his friend gave me—a ride here. We stopped and had some lunch on the way, and, well, it was just like I’d known him my whole life.” Kate waited for Gretchen to face her again. “It was seamless…does that make sense? Like I didn’t have to do some big adjustment of myself just to be around him.”

“Men who are trying to be charming and who are good at it, make women feel that way all the time. Doesn’t mean it’s real. There are a lot of fakers out there. I’ve met a lot of them, unfortunately.” Gretchen became pensive and stared down at her linked fingers as her elbows rested on her thighs.

“I’ve told myself dozens of times this uneasiness with the wedding plans has nothing to do with Tyler. I’ve searched deep inside, and I have to say honestly those feelings come from something I knew, but wasn’t looking at. Talking to Tyler, even though we didn’t talk about my future plans, brought all that to the surface. Does that make sense?”

“It does. Doesn’t make it any easier.”

“No.”

“You say anything to Mom?”

“Of course not. I’ve hardly begun to think about what it means.”

Gretchen stood, going to the kitchen to turn off something on the stove. The girls were being boisterous upstairs, arguing over something. She went to the base of the stairs and gave them a reprimand and ordered them to wash their hands and faces and come downstairs for dinner.

“So what are you going to do?” she finally asked.

“I’ll just take the weekend to think about it all. I don’t want to talk to Randy until I have my thoughts organized.”

“That’d be a good plan. Kate, I sure hope you know what you’re playing with here. A lot of money has been spent on this wedding already. If you’re just having the jitters and later you change your mind, well, I can’t say as that’s never happened before, but you’d be putting a lot of people through things they might not forgive you for. Hell of a way to enter into a new family, know what I mean?”

“I agree. But right now, I’m not sure I want to go forward. I’m really not.”

“Well, we have a problem then.”

“Yes, we do.”

In the middle of dinner, Kate got a call from Randy. At first she didn’t want to take the call, but Gretchen looked at her like she had sprouted green horns, so she pressed the answer button on her cell. As Randy started in, Kate slipped up the stairs and into Clover’s room, closing the door behind her. She sat on the little bed and looked up at the posters of her ex-brother in law.

“…and so we thought maybe a carriage ride through the vineyard would be a nice touch. But that would mean the flowered archway you wanted would have to be moved. I met the driver, and the horses are gentle.”

Randy talked on as if nervous to allow Kate to say a word. She realized he hadn’t once asked her how the flight was, and she hadn’t texted him to say she’d arrived safely.

Randy noticed her silence and lack of agreement and then asked, “Kate, are you okay?”

It took a long slow breath before she felt ready to respond. “No.” It was all she could say.

“Are you ill?” he asked.

“No.”

“Wanna tell me what’s going on?”

Do I? Will I feel differently in the morning? Will I wake up in the middle of the night and realize I’ve been a fool?

Something welled up inside her. With strength she didn’t realize she possessed, she began. “Randy, I’m rethinking this whole thing. I have to tell you that I’m not at all sure I’m ready to move forward.”

“What? Over a carriage ride in the vineyard? If that’s what’s bothering you, Kate—oh, my God, that’s no problem for me. Being a little dramatic, don’t you think?”

“It’s more than the carriage ride. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I’m just not ready. I want to do this when I’m sure, Randy. I need more time.”

His tone got reproving. He was curt, responding with a bitter, clipped attitude. “Mom and—”

“This has nothing to do with your mom. You family’s lovely, Randy. Really lovely.”

“So it’s me?”

“No.”

“You don’t like how I’ve been making plans you think you should be making? No problem. I’ll back off until you get your little hissy fit out of the way.”

“It’s not like that, Randy.”

“Not like anyone isn’t worrying about your cares, your likes and dislikes. For Chrissakes, Kate, everyone is doing their best. Fuck, if I’d known you’d get so upset over these plans—”

She didn’t want to hear any more. “Randy, let me think about all this and call you in the morning, okay?” She knew she was about to say something she surely would regret.

“No, dammit. Don’t you think you’re being a little selfish?”

Yes. I’m being selfish about what kind of life I want to lead.
“I need to mull things over a bit more and get them in a state where I can communicate to you more clearly. I don’t want to say anything that would hurt your feelings,” she continued. Although she knew no matter what she said the next time they talked, the damage had already been done. He was already hurt.

“And you think I can just sit on my hands and wait until you have the whim to call me and tell me you’re in a better mood? God, how selfish, Kate. How inconsiderate. How ridiculous. Everyone has been working so hard for you. Waiting on you hand and foot. You’re not even grateful—”

“Randy, stop.”

“No, I fuckin’ won’t stop. You’ve got to get hold of yourself and buck up. I’m dealing with a lot here. We have a lot going on at the winery, and this big fuckin’ wedding is happening right at season’s peak. We’re all making sacrifices. Going to cost us a fortune in lost revenue, put us behind in some things, but we’re doing this for you. For us.”