Second Rate Chances (8 page)

             
“Well, let’s see,” he started. “I wake up almost a week ago with no recollection of the last three years. My girlfriend isn’t my girlfriend anymore, and I’m engaged to be married to a woman I don’t know. I hate my job, I hate my house, and my friends won’t talk to me. No one will tell me what has happened that made me the person I am today.”

He sucked in a sharp breath before he added, “I have my health so I shouldn’t complain too much. I mean, the accident could have been a lot worse. But it wasn’t so I can’t help but hate where my life is right now.” He looked over at Lil and frowned. “To answer your question, no I’m not sleeping and the last good night’s rest I remember having is the night we moved in here.”

             
Another bout of silence hung in the room. Sam thought that maybe he had dumped too much on her too soon. Did he expect her to jump on his pity party bandwagon? Was he looking for her to soothe away his stress? It had been a mistake coming here, he realized. He should have never stopped in front of the house. He should have driven to his dad's and stayed there. He should have never bothered Lil with his mountain of problems.

             
When the silence became too much for Sam to take, he stood from the couch and looked down at Lil who looked up at him with guarded eyes. “I should go. Thanks for the wine and the company.”

             
As he walked to the door to grab his jacket, Lil stopped him. She lightly touched his arm.

             
“Stay,” she whispered.

             
Sam wanted to pull her in his arms and hug her, kiss her, take her to their bedroom and make love to her, but he couldn’t do any of those things. “Are you sure?” he asked.

             
“Yeah, you look like hell.”

             
“Jeez. Thanks.”

             
That earned him a tiny laugh. “I’ll go grab you a blanket and a pillow.”

             
Lil left Sam alone in the living room. He walked back over to the couch and sat down to untie his shoelaces. When she returned, she had her grandmother’s afghan and a fluffy pillow in her hands.

             
“Sorry it’s not much,” she said handing them over to him. “We can talk in the morning. We’ll figure it all out.”

             
He had to trust her. He had no reason not to. Besides, he was beginning to see that the only person who could help him was Lil. Whatever deep, dark secrets she harbored would surface eventually. In the meantime, Sam would take whatever he could get. Even if that meant sleeping on her couch until they had a game plan. At least he was with her.

             
“Hey Lil,” he called out as she headed back to the bedroom. She stopped and turned her head just slightly without twisting her whole body around. “Thank you.”

             
She nodded. “Goodnight, Sam.”

             
“Night.”

57

SECOND RATE CHANCES

CHAPTER 9

Lil laid awake in bed most of the night trying to make sense of the fact that her amnesiac ex-boyfriend was asleep on her couch.

The dark circles under his eyes gave away that he wasn’t sleeping. And if Lil were being honest, Sam was too pretty for dark circles. It tore her heart in two at how he described her house as home. She had to remind herself that in his mind, this was still home. He didn’t know his condo downtown. He didn’t know whatever kind of bed he had. He knew Lil’s bed, which happened to be the same bed they had shared in her apartment before they bought the cottage.

He knew the couch, which was why she offered it to him the night before. It had been the same couch he had slept many a night on, whether it was because a night of drinking with friends left him unable to make it to the bedroom or because he and Lil had been fighting and she kicked him to sofa city. He wouldn’t recognize it was the same couch because she had changed the look of it with a simple crème slipcover. Dark green was great for college but it didn’t exactly scream grown up or shabby chic.

Her thoughts drifted to how he had ended up at her house. His not-so-subtle way of saying he was in the area when she could see the truth written all over his face. And then his confirmation of how his car just led him to her when it was just the two of them. They always had a way with one another. Kane and Abe would pretend it made them sick to see them both so happy and in love. Stolen kisses, secret looks from across the room, jokes between the two of them that would cause fits of laughter that no one else understood.

But the man that arrived last night wasn’t him. That wasn’t the guy who would show up at her dorm with chocolate and salty chips without having to ask. He wasn’t the man who would surprise her with a picnic on the waterfront. And he wasn’t the man who stood by her side when her parents died or the man who wouldn’t let her out of his sight when he had lost his mother. That was a kind, compassionate man. A man who made her soup when she was sick. A man who laughed and cried with her. The man that he was now, well, she couldn’t be certain who that man was, only that he wasn’t her Sam.

A part of Lil thought that maybe realizing up front that he wasn’t what she remembered would help her reign in her feelings. But then there was a nagging part, the part that was hard for her to imagine him being anywhere else. The selfish part was telling her to help him so that man, the man she loved, would return.

For her.

Sam had been right. It wasn’t fair to him to be kept in the dark on how he had become the person he was today. She couldn’t lend any information to help him understand. All she could do was fill in him on the what and why’s of their failed relationship. When the time came to relive that tale, Lil knew it would weaken the armor she wore around her heart. Living it once had been hard enough. Going through it all over again could damn near kill her.

As she lay in bed, she wondered how long she could avoid Sam.  The smell of coffee ended any and all conflict she was having with herself. On autopilot, she slipped on a pair of pajama pants and followed the delicious aroma into the kitchen.

The best part of waking up was…

Not coffee in your cup, Lil thought as she watched Sam pour coffee into one of her mugs. This morning, the best part of waking up was the half-naked man in her kitchen.

Who knew a back could be so sexy? She could see the muscles flex with every small move he made. Even from where she stood, when he lifted the coffeepot from its base, his forearms bulged, his shoulders tensed and released. 

Sam turned around like he could sense her behind him staring at all his glorious flesh. He brought the cup to his lips and smiled. “Morning sleepy head.”

Lil couldn’t move. Did Sam have an eight pack when they were together? No. She would have remembered that. She would have run her tongue over each divot. She would have traced over his abs and pecs with her fingers. She would not have forgotten how hard, and hot, his stomach alone was.

“Lil?” Sam said, bringing her out of her lusty daydreams. Afraid she had drool running out of her mouth, Lil licked her lips. When Sam smirked, Lil realized her mistake. It looked like she was salivating over him and his hot body. She was, but she and Sam were on a need-to-know basis and he didn’t need to know what she thought about doing to his body so early in the morning
             

“Morning,” she said. “Sleep well?”

Lil held in her breath as she walked past Sam to the coffee maker, pouring herself a cup, wishing that it were something stronger. She took a sip, not trusting herself to turn around and look at him while making conversation.
             

             
There was no denying she could feel him in the room. He gave off a heat that could send the house up in flames. Or maybe that was her.

“I did,” Sam whispered in her ear.  His was so close.

Lil swallowed past the lump in her throat. “That’s good.” She turned around, keeping her eyes up. He was a good foot taller than her. If she looked straight ahead she would have been met with mouthwatering pecs that practically demanded to be licked.

“You look better,” she told him. To his puzzled look she replied, “Last night you had bags under your eyes. You have more color this morning.”

             
“Ah,” Sam said nodding. “The power of sleeping on the couch.” He chuckled. “I’m convinced that’s the same couch you had in the apartment. Did you cover it up with one of those couch cover things?”

“I did. The green didn’t exactly go with my décor.” Lil headed to the living room, with Sam right behind her. As long as she didn’t look at him below the neck she was fine. As long as he didn’t sit next to her, she’d be okay.

He plopped down on the couch; right at the same moment she bent to take her seat. So much for keeping distance. She was strong. She could keep her eyes averted from his luscious body. Or she could just ask him to put on a shirt but would that make her seem like she was having problems being around him half-naked? She didn’t want him to know the affect he had on her. That was like showing your hand too early in poker. Lil had a great poker face. She could manage this.

“You know what I noticed?” Sam mused. He had kicked his feet up on the table that sat in front of them like it was any other day and they were your most normal couple sitting down for coffee talk. He didn't wait for her reply before he continued. “You don't have a Christmas tree.”

             
“Nope.” Lil said, stressing the letters of the single word.

             
“Why?”

             
Lil swallowed her caffeine and said, “because I haven't had the chance to ask Zach to get it out of the attic for me.”

             
“Lil, real trees can’t be put in the attic.” Lil remained quiet, sipping her coffee as she waited for him to grasp the meaning of her statement.

             
“Unless…” He trailed off and she looked over to gauge his reaction to the bombshell of her owning an artificial tree. When he caught on, she smiled a positively fake smile at him.

             
“Please, no,” he said, his eyes wide. “Tell me that you don't have a fake tree that has color coded limbs that you have to put together.”

             
She nodded and her smiled turned genuine. “But, the limbs aren't color coded. It's in three parts. Oh! It's even pre-lit.” Her voice rose with excitement.

             
Sam groaned. “That's wrong on so many levels. When did you start doing that? We always,
always
, had a real tree. Half the fun was going and picking it out.  It was our tradition,” he said sadly.

             
Lil remembered all too well them going each year since their freshman year in college and selecting a tree. She also remembered her disastrous final attempt to keep some semblance of tradition alive after he had left.

             
“Do you remember that puny, pitiful tree we had in the dorm?” he asked. Lil couldn’t fight the smile on her face.

             
“Yeah, and Linus was not puny or pitiful. He was just the right size for the room.”

             
Sam laughed. “It was God awful. It barely had limbs that held up the ornaments.”

             
“Yeah, well.” Lil said, feigning hurt. “I thought it was precious.”

             
“You know what we should do?” he asked, cocking his head to the side to look at her. She felt like she was under a microscope the way his eyes traveled over her face.

             
“Find out what happened with Kane and Abe?” she asked innocently.

             
“No, we should…wait. What?”

             
Diversion attempt successful.

             
“I was thinking last night,” she began. “That maybe I could talk to Kane and Abe. Find out what went down between you three.”

             
“Lil,” Sam said, shaking his head. “I can’t ask you to get in the middle of that. Like you said, if you didn’t do anything to jeopardize the relationship, then I don’t want to get you caught up in some drama.” He gave her a pointed, serious stare.

             
Lil couldn’t help but snicker. Sam was right. Drama seemed to follow them everywhere they went. Then again, Lil could remember it was usually their fault.

             
It wasn’t until graduation that Kane finally admitted his true feelings for Abe. Since that moment they were happy as clams. If they argued it was because they were polar opposites in every sense of the word, yet it worked for them. Kane was the anchor that kept Abe tied down. Abe was the fun and excitement Kane needed in his life.

             
“Sam,” Lil said. “I pretty much shut them out of my life. Believe me, it wasn’t for lack of trying on their part. They tried to keep in contact. They called to check up on me after I lost…”

             
Lil had to catch herself. She swallowed down the impending words that she knew would surface in the days or weeks to come. Sam arched an eye at her, clearly catching on to her hesitation. She shook the bad memory from her mind and recovered her explanation.

             
“When I lost you.”

             
“Oh,” Sam whispered.

             
“Don’t think of it as me getting in the middle. Think of it as me trying to bridge a gap in friendship. For you and for me. Besides, I do miss them. They were a huge part of our lives and I let them go.”

             
“Is that why you decided not to stay friends with them? Because of me?”

             
What could Lil say?
How
could she tell Sam that what he said was the truth? That she had, in her own way, set them free because they were too much of a reminder of him and everything the four of them had been through.

             
“You needed them.” Lil shrugged as if it hadn’t hurt to lose them. “I had Ellie.” It was a sliver of the truth. And besides, Ellie had been great. She wasn’t an original member of their pack in college. None of them had even met Ellie until after college when she was working her way through college at Rusty’s, the bar they frequented just about every weekend.

             
“Okay,” Sam conceded. “You talk to them and we’ll make plans to get you a
real
tree.” He smiled like he had just won a long forgotten battle.

             
Damn. And here she thought the subject had been dropped.

             
Lil sighed. “I don’t know.”
             

“You want to help me by talking to Kane and Abe, right?” Lil nodded. “Well, I want to help me by doing something that seems normal. Going and picking out a tree seems normal. And before you try and reason your way out of it, it only seems right to go with you.” He gave her those sad puppy dog eyes she never said no to. “Please?”

             
Lil closed her eyes, hoping the moment of darkness would bring some sort of resolve to her mind. All it brought on were bad thoughts of the last time she had gone tree shopping. The one and only time she had gone without Sam. Instead of coming home with a tree, she'd come home with Toby Grayson. He wasn’t Sam. He was far from it. He was scruffy and slightly dangerous. He was a diversion. An escape from the hell she was going through. He was a shoulder to cry on. He was a one-night stand she regretted ever since.

             
She had to buck up and do this for him. She told him she’d help and now he was asking. Besides, what were the chances Toby would even be there? Slim to none, she figured.

             
She opened her eyes and nodded at him. “All right, we’ll go.”

             
Sam beamed at her. His smile made the corners of his eyes crinkle. “Great! Is Wednesday good for you?”