Secrets of a Career Girl (9 page)

‘Do you want Rory to come in?’ Penny suggested. ‘He offered before.’

Mia nodded and Penny called the young man in. At eighteen Rory was very mature and he held both Mia’s hands as Penny got ready to have another go at putting the tube down.

‘Big breath,’ Penny said, ‘and then start to swallow when the tube hits the back of your throat.’

Except she didn’t swallow. Instead, Mia vomited all over Penny’s gown, so much so that it soaked through to her clothing.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Penny said soothingly as Mia started sobbing her apology. ‘Let’s give it another go.’

The cubicle looked as if someone had been playing with a black paintball and the staff and patients didn’t look much better either, but finally the tube was in. Penny checked its position, relieved that the tube was in the right spot.

‘Right, let’s get the charcoal in and then you can have a rest.’ The medication was poured down and Penny had a word with the intern, Raj, before she headed to the changing rooms. She was incredibly tired and couldn’t wait for the couple of hours till the end of her shift.

Penny kept a spare set of clothes at work, but it was five a.m. and she was past caring so, rarely for her, she pulled some scrubs off the trolley, filled the sink with water to try and soak her shirt, and it was as she did so that Penny felt it—a cold feeling down below. She wanted to be imagining things, wanted to be wrong, so she dashed to the loo, but as she pulled down her panties it was confirmed that, no, she wasn’t imagining things.

‘Please, no,’ Penny begged as she sat with her head in her hands, trying to tell herself it was normal, just some spotting, that it wasn’t her period she was getting.

Penny couldn’t stand to call it a baby; it was the only way she had been able to get through it last time. So she told herself that it was just a period, said over and over to herself that most women wouldn’t have even have known that they were pregnant at this stage.

Except Penny knew that she fleetingly had been.

‘Penny!’ She heard Vanessa come into the changing room.

‘Can I have two minutes?’

‘Mia’s not well.’

‘I’m on my way,’ Penny said through gritted teeth.

‘She’s seizing,’ Vanessa went on.

‘Then what are you doing in here, talking to me?’ Penny shouted. ‘Put out an urgent page for the medics.’

As Vanessa fled, with shaking hands Penny had to find change to buy a pad and then pulled on scrubs and dashed back to Mia. Raj was there and had given Mia diazepam; she had stopped seizing but was clearly very unwell.

‘She’s taken something else,’ Penny said, because the medications Mia had admitted to taking would not have caused this.

‘I’ve just spoken to the family.’ Vanessa’s voice was shaky. ‘The boyfriend’s ringing his mum to go through all the bins and things as they were at his house when she took them.’

‘Good.’

Penny was tough, she
had
to be tough, she just didn’t let herself think about personal things; instead she focussed on saving a sixteen-year-old girl who had made a stupid mistake that might now cost her her life. As soon as Rory came off the phone she spoke to the distressed boyfriend to try and get more clues as to what Mia might have taken.

‘Mum’s on anti-depressants.’ Rory looked bewildered. ‘I didn’t even know that she was, but she’s had a look and one of the packets is missing. She thinks—’

‘Okay, what are they called?’

He told her and Penny kept her expression from reacting—she didn’t want to scare the young man any more than he already was, but tricyclic antidepressants were very serious in overdose and could cause not just seizures but cardiac arrhythmias.

Leaving Rory, Penny told the medics what the young girl had taken and then dealt with the parents, who were still blaming the boyfriend.

‘He has been very helpful,’ Penny said. ‘If it wasn’t for Rory, we wouldn’t have known what Mia had taken, and he also helped us to get the tube down. Mia’s actually had the right treatment—the charcoal will stop any further absorption, but she’ll need to go to Intensive Care for observation.’

‘When can we see her?’ the father asked.

‘I can take you in there now,’ Penny offered, because Mia was awake now, though very drowsy, but first she just wanted to clarify something with the parents. ‘I know you’re very upset at the moment, but it has to be put aside for now. Mia needs calm, she is not to be distressed.’ Penny looked up as Rory walked in.

‘What the hell did you say to upset her enough to take all those pills?’ the father flared. ‘You caused this.’

‘I’m sorry!’ Penny stood. She’d heard enough. ‘Until you calm down, you’re not coming in to see Mia.’

‘You can’t stop me from seeing her.’

‘Absolutely I can.’ Penny stood firm. ‘Mia is to be kept as calm as possible. We’re trying to prevent further arrhythmias or seizures, not actively bring them on.’

She walked off and started writing up her notes, and finally a rather more contrite father asked if he could go in and see his daughter now, assuring Penny he would not cause her any further distress.

‘Of course.’

She stepped behind the curtain to have a quick word with Vanessa before letting them in.

‘Mia’s parents want to come in,’ Penny said. ‘Don’t take any nonsense from the dad if he starts getting angry. Just ask him to leave.’

‘I don’t take nonsense from the patients and their relatives,’ Vanessa said, and as Penny turned to go she heard the nurse mutter, ‘I’ve got no choice with the staff, though...’

Penny didn’t have the time, let alone the emotional capacity, to respond to Vanessa, or even to dwell on it. She had no alternative other than to drag herself through the last part of her shift, then she got into her car and finally she was home.

Penny took off her scrubs. Her stomach was black from the charcoal and she showered quickly then put on a nightdress and picked up the phone.

‘I’m bleeding.’

The IVF nurse was very practical and calm and, yes, a bit of spotting was normal, but this was more than a bit of spotting and they went through the medications, but Penny could feel herself cramping.

‘Should I rest?’ She wanted to ring in sick but she knew deep down that it wouldn’t make any real difference.

But she rang in sick anyway.

Work was less than impressed, because it was the long weekend and one consultant was out on a boat and Mr Dean was on a golf weekend, but whether or not it would make a difference to the outcome, Penny couldn’t have gone into work anyway—she just lay in bed, trying to hold on to something she was sure she’d already lost.

‘I’m sorry, Penny.’ It was Tuesday night. She’d actually stopped bleeding but didn’t dare hope, yet there was a tiny flicker there when she took the call, only to hear that her HCG levels were tumbling down.

All that for twenty-four hours of being pregnant.

Jasmine’s periods were later than that sometimes.

‘Oh, Penny, I’m so sorry!’ Jasmine, who the second she’d heard that Penny had called in sick, had been in and out of her home all over the weekend. She was there too when the nurse called with her blood results and Jasmine wrapped her in a hug when Penny put down the phone after the news. But Penny could feel Jasmine’s belly soft and round and pressing into her stupid empty flat one and Penny said some horrible things.

Horrible things.

Like, no, actually, Jasmine didn’t understand.

And that it was all right for Jasmine to stand there and be so compassionate and understanding when she didn’t actually have a clue how it felt to not even be able to get pregnant. Except it was a bit worse than that because Penny used the F word and then asked her sister to get out.

‘Penny, please!’

‘No!’

She was back to being a bitch.

CHAPTER TEN

T
HERE
WERE
DISADVANTAGES
to being a consultant, as Ethan was finding out, because when he came back from his long-awaited days off, which had actually turned into more of an extended wake, half his colleagues were sulking because he’d been out of range and they’d been called in to work.

‘Penny’s sick?’ Ethan frowned when Lisa told him.

That Penny might be ill wasn’t the problem apparently, though it was the problem for Ethan. ‘We had a locum for two nights and Mr Dean came in, but he wasn’t too pleased.’ Lisa brought him up to speed.

‘But if she’s sick, she can’t help it,’ Ethan pointed out as a knot tightened in his stomach. ‘When did she ring in?’

‘Saturday morning.’ Lisa sighed. ‘At the beginning of a long weekend. It’s been a bit grim here, to say the least.’

But it wasn’t just Penny they were annoyed at.

‘Did you have a good break?’ Mr Dean gave a tight, mirthless smile as he walked past, but Ethan just rolled his eyes. He didn’t give a damn about things like that—he worked hard when he was here and was entitled to his days off. The only person Ethan was worried about now was Penny.

Except when he tried to call her, she didn’t pick up her phone.

‘How’s Penny?’ Ethan asked a worried-looking Jasmine when she arrived for her late shift.

Jasmine’s cheeks flushed and she just gave a brief shake of her head.

‘Did she lose it?’

Ethan grimaced when Jasmine gave a reluctant nod.

Ethan headed to his office and rang Kate and told her the little he knew.

‘Don’t call it
it
,’ Kate suggested.

‘I didn’t mean it like that.’

‘I know,’ Kate said. ‘Poor thing.’

‘I don’t know what to do.’ Ethan didn’t even know how he felt. He was gutted for Penny as he thought of all she had been through.

But there was guilt there as well.

‘I don’t know what you can do either,’ Kate admitted, because Carl had been as invested in the procedures as she had and had been right there beside her when on many occasions the news hadn’t been good. But though she utterly understood where her brother was coming from, he wasn’t going to react as Carl had.

‘Do I just not mention it? I mean...’

‘No,’ Kate said, but then halted. ‘I don’t know. You said she hadn’t told you she was pregnant?’

‘I can’t just ignore it,’ Ethan said. ‘She won’t pick up the phone.’

‘You really like her?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then I think you ought to go over there and just be ready.’

‘For what?’

‘For anything.’

* * *

Even as he rang the bell, Ethan had absolutely no idea if he was doing the right thing.

It just couldn’t go past without being noted.

That was all he knew.

She opened the door in her dressing gown, except it was undone and underneath she had on a short nightdress. Ethan hadn’t known many woman who wore silky nightdresses and matching dressing gowns, but this was Penny, he reminded himself, and even if she was a bit washed out, she still looked stunning.

‘I’m so sorry, Penny.’

She looked at him, all brown and healthy and brimming with energy from nearly a week off, and she felt drab and pale in comparison. ‘How do you know?’ Penny asked. ‘Did Jasmine say something?’

Ethan hadn’t even made it through the door and he’d already put his foot in it. ‘No,’ Ethan said. ‘I asked her when I heard you’d called in sick.’

‘She shouldn’t have said anything.’

‘She didn’t say a word,’ Ethan said. ‘I asked if you’d...’ He breathed out. ‘Penny, I knew before you went away that you were pregnant.’

‘How?’

How? Because she was buried so deep in his skull, he’d been on IVF sites and working out dates and watching her unseen, constantly tuned in to her, though she didn’t need to hear that. ‘I just knew,’ Ethan said. ‘Jasmine didn’t say a word.’

Penny opened the door further and let him in.

‘I didn’t know what to bring.’ He was very honest with his discomfort and it helped that he didn’t try to hide it. It helped that he had come too.

‘Wine would have been nice.’

‘I can go out and get some.’

‘I’ve got some open.’ Penny looked at him warily. ‘I’m not very good company.’

‘I’m not here for a party.’

‘Well, you won’t get one. I’m boring even me now in my quest for a baby, so I’d run for the beach now if I were you. I know it’s not your thing. I’ll be back to normal soon.’

‘Come here,’ he said, and he gave her a cuddle. She wriggled a bit as she had the first day he’d held her and then she gave in; it felt really nice to be held by him.

‘Do you want me to go out and get a bottle?’

‘No. I’m drinking alone. Well, not alone, I’ve got my cat.’

And an ugly cat it was too, Ethan thought as feline eyes narrowed in suspicion at a big male stomping through the room. He followed Penny to where she was retrieving her glass and bottle from her bedside table and hovered at the door.

‘I’m a cliché,’ Penny said. ‘I’ll be the mad aunt, if Jasmine ever lets me see them again.’ She closed her eyes. ‘I had a terrible argument with her when I found out. I’m a horrible sister.’

‘I’m sure you’re not.’

‘I am.’ Penny sniffed. ‘We’ve never been that close, but for the last few months we’ve both really tried, and now I’ve gone and ruined it. I told her that she had no idea how I felt.’

‘She doesn’t,’ Ethan said.

‘But she tries so hard to. It’s not her fault, I just...’ She was embarrassed to admit just how bad she’d been, but was too guilt ridden to gloss over it. ‘She gave me a cuddle and I could feel her stomach and I told her that, no, she didn’t know, but I said it more nastily than that.’ Worried blue eyes lifted to him and a dark blush spread on her cheeks. ‘It wasn’t just that she’s pregnant, though.’ She stopped. She certainly wasn’t about to share her shameful truth. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Tell me.’

‘I can’t.’

‘You can.’

‘I really can’t.’

‘I hate that,’ Ethan said. ‘I hate it when people go, oh, it doesn’t matter, when clearly it does, and then they say they can’t tell you, and you know that it’s something relevant, except you’re not allowed to know.’

She actually smiled a little when she responded to him. ‘You’re
not
allowed.’

‘Fine.’ Ethan sulked.

‘If I told you and you ever said anything, I’d have to kill you.’

Ethan couldn’t help but smile but more than that they were sitting down on the sofa together and Penny was, Ethan realised, actually going to reveal. ‘When my mum was bought in in cardiac arrest, it was awful. I mean, just awful. Jasmine was on duty but I managed to keep it from her...’

‘While you worked on your mum?’

‘And I was upset. I mean, really upset.’

‘I would imagine so.’

‘And Jed gave me a cuddle, nothing more. What I didn’t know then was that Jasmine was seeing Jed. Confused?’

‘Not yet.’

‘But Jasmine saw us together, before she knew about Mum, I mean...’

‘And thought you two were together?’ Ethan checked, and Penny nodded. ‘And were you?’

‘Never.’

‘Not a little bit?’ Ethan checked.

‘Not a smudge,’ Penny confirmed. ‘But...’ She just couldn’t bring herself to say it.

‘You liked him?’

‘A bit.’ She was just this ball of guilt. ‘I wasn’t having dirty dreams or anything.’ She went red as she looked at Ethan, because she was having the rudest ones about him. ‘But, yes, I sort of liked him. I don’t remotely in that way now, I mean that, but at the time...’

‘It hurt to find out they were together.’

‘Yes,’ Penny admitted.

‘And now she’s got the baby.’

‘Two.’

‘Penny.’ Ethan was honest too. ‘Can I tell you something?’ He took her hands. ‘I think it’s completely normal to like someone, to fancy them. I like and fancy people all the time, it’s not an issue, even if the two of you...’

‘Nothing happened.’

‘Which makes things a whole lot easier. But...’ he didn’t really see the issue ‘...suppose,’ Ethan said, ‘just suppose Jasmine was single, and given all we’ve done is had one kiss, well, a bit more than that...’

And Penny felt the heat of breath in her nostrils, and it burnt a whole lot more than it had with Jed, except she couldn’t really tell him that when he was trying to prove a point about how inconsequential it was.

‘Okay, bad example.’ Ethan scrambled for other scenarios. ‘Suppose—’

‘I get your point.’ She did. In one fell swoop he’d made her realise just how teeny her feelings for her—unknown at the time—future brother-in-law had been. She thought of Jasmine walking alongside her on the beach, admitting how gorgeous Ethan was, and what a tiny deal it had been then.

‘You’ve done nothing wrong,’ Ethan said. ‘Are you not supposed to like anyone, just in case your sister might?’

‘I guess.’ Penny couldn’t believe how easily a simple conversation had dispersed the complicated into nothing. ‘I don’t want Jed, and I am pleased she’s pregnant.’ She looked at Ethan. ‘It was just all too much that day. Do you ever feel jealous that Kate has a family?’

‘No.’ He was honest. ‘I just can’t imagine ever being settled like that, just one person for the rest of your life. And...’ he gave a shrug ‘...I think we’ve found another phobia of mine.’ He took a deep breath; there was one thing he needed to know. ‘Will you try again?’

‘I don’t know,’ Penny said. ‘Probably. But they like you to wait a couple of months.’

‘You’re thirty-four, Penny,’ Ethan said.

‘Thirty-five,’ Penny said. ‘It’s my birthday.’

He didn’t know what to say.

And clearly neither did Jasmine, because the phone rang then and Penny took it into her bedroom. It was a very short, terse phone call and when it was over Penny looked up at him in the doorway, only this time he came in.

‘Do you ever fight with your sister?’ she asked as he sat with her on the bed and put his arm around her.

‘Not really,’ Ethan said.

‘With anyone?’

‘No.’ He gave her a smile. ‘You.’

But it wasn’t enough for Penny. She wanted him to have done something as terrible as she had, and so he thought for a moment, searched his brain for someone he’d had a huge stand-up row with, just to make her feel better.

‘With Phil.’

‘When?’ Penny frowned.

‘Last year. There was stuff that needed dealing with and Phil wasn’t dealing with it. And I told him so and pretty loudly too.’ Ethan gave her a nudge. ‘So if you feel bad, imagine having a shouting match with someone who has a heart like a balloon about to burst.’

‘But it didn’t.’

‘No, it didn’t. Well, not for another year.’ Ethan shook his head; he wasn’t going to go there.

‘You really loved him, didn’t you?’

‘Yep.’ Ethan nodded. ‘But I’m here about you.’

They were lying on the bed now, more two friends chatting than this being about anything sexual, even as the conversation turned to sex. ‘Have you ever thought about going about it the old-fashioned way?’ Ethan asked. ‘Meet someone, fall in love, live the fairy-tale.’

‘Been there, done that. Well, I thought it was love and we were frantically trying for a baby for a very long time.’

He’d been doing really well, Kate would have been proud of him, but he grimaced a bit then and she noticed.

‘What?’

‘Nothing.’ Ethan shrugged. He just didn’t like the image of her
frantically
trying with someone else.

‘I’m not very fertile—I’m sub-fertile. Isn’t that the most horrible word? It put a terrible strain on our relationship. It wasn’t just that, though, he was...’ She was about to say it didn’t matter, but Ethan hated it when she did that. ‘Vince was all for the modern working woman, or so he said, yet I was the one who was going to be the stay-home mum.’ Ethan looked at her. ‘I earned more than him, yet it was just assumed that I’d be the one to stop work.’ She saw him frown. ‘What?’ Penny asked again.

‘Why, if you’re doing all you can to have a baby, would you want to work?’

‘I love my work, I’d go crazy without it, but I would certainly slow things down. It wasn’t just that, though, there were other things.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like I was starting to resent that it was always me stopping at the supermarket on the way home from work and getting dinner. Aside from the fact that I can’t have babies, I don’t think I’d make a very good wife.’

‘What’s for dinner, Penny?’

He made her smile.

‘What about you?’

‘I have no idea,’ he said, and turned and smiled at her now-frowning face on the pillow beside him. ‘I’ve never had my fertility checked.’

‘You think you’re funny, don’t you?’

‘I know I am,’ Ethan said, ‘because you’re trying really hard not to smile.’

‘I meant, have you been in a serious relationship?’

‘Apparently,’ Ethan said. ‘Though I didn’t know it at the time.’ He sighed at the memory. ‘I thought it was great, she wanted to move in...’

‘Oh.’

‘Or look for somewhere to live, or get engaged and then married and make lots of babies one day.’

‘What was her name?’

‘Caitlin. I led her on apparently, but I didn’t know that I was, I just thought we were having a good time. I didn’t realise it had to be leading somewhere—so now I make things a little more clear from the start.’ He waited, his eyes checking that he had.

‘I get it, Ethan.’ She gave him a smile and then she told him. ‘Jasmine said I should have a wild fling with you before I got pregnant.’

‘I’m that much of a sure thing, am I?’

‘Apparently,’ Penny said. ‘She thought I should forget about making babies and just enjoy myself for once.’

‘Have you ever had sex for the sake of it?’ He screwed up his face. ‘I mean, how long since you’ve had sex without trying for a baby?’

‘A very long time.’ She looked at him. ‘There was one time that I would have, but he declined.’

‘Well, maybe he was just being all male and territorial and couldn’t quite get his head around...’ He screwed up his face again, tried to spare the details. ‘You know in a few days’ time you...’

‘Might have been pregnant?’