Secrets of a Career Girl (8 page)

She just gave in to the bliss and the scent of him, her hands around his neck to steady herself, her legs shaking as she fought the urge for him to lift her, to wrap her legs around his waist, yet she stood as she forgot how to breathe.

Ethan felt the rip of tension and her quiver and her thighs clasp around his hand and he stroked through her pulses as frantic need left her and leached into him, and he got back to kissing her, but with urgency. Pressing himself hard into her, Ethan’s hands moved to lift her, a fierce need to be inside her, but then sense reared its head and moved into his and he released her hips, because if he didn’t, he would have her over that desk.

And, no, Ethan told himself, that he did not want.

Except he did.

No wonder he didn’t like being responsible, Ethan thought, peeling them apart. ‘And now I’m handing you back to Jasmine.’ He looked down and smiled and she looked up and nodded, and there was that awkward bit, because she had come and he hadn’t, and she wanted more too, yet he was releasing her, about to head out there to where this had never happened.

‘Ethan...’ She wanted more of him, wanted more than a corner of chocolate before it was wrapped and returned to the fridge, and she didn’t care if they were in her office; right now, she simply didn’t care.

‘Penny.’ He gave her a small kiss to interrupt her invitation, and then he made it very clear where they were. ‘You go and concentrate on getting that baby.’

CHAPTER NINE

I
T
WAS
ALL
happening.

It was like a train she had boarded and she so badly wanted the baby at the end, but she’d lost something along the way. Ethan was a bit aloof and she was back to being frosty but she missed the Ethan she had glimpsed and, in turn, he wanted more of Penny, just not
that
much more.

Because Ethan knew what was happening now. He didn’t turn a hair when she asked if they could swap their days off at short notice.

‘Sure,’ was all he said.

He asked no questions, though he did look things up on the internet, knew that when she came back after her couple of days off, there was a high chance she would be as horny as hell.

But no orgasms allowed, Ethan thought with a black smile as he knocked on her office door to update her on one of her patients.

‘I feel like a delivery boy,’ he said, holding a card and chocolates.

She wished she had a delivery boy who looked like Ethan—she’d be ringing for pizza every night, Penny thought as he handed his wares over. ‘Heath’s parents asked me to give these to you.’

‘You should have buzzed me.’ Immediately Penny stood, but Ethan shook his head.

‘I went to, but they were getting upset so they asked if I could just hand these to you. I think they were a bit overwhelmed being back in Emergency.’

Penny nodded and sat back down.

‘I spoke to them for a bit,’ Ethan told her.

‘How were they?’ Penny asked as she read the letter.

‘Just struggling through. They said they knew that one day they’d be pleased with the decision they had made for Heath to be a donor, but not yet.’ And Penny nodded because the letter said much the same—thanking her for her care that day and for gently preparing them for what was to come a few hours later. She showed the letter to Ethan and as he read it he forgot to be aloof, forgot he didn’t really want to be talking with Penny at the moment.

‘I couldn’t have dealt with it that day,’ he admitted.

‘I’m not surprised.’

‘Phil used to feel guilty about that. He said he was lying there basically hoping someone would die.’

‘You can’t think like that.’

‘But you
do
think like that,’ Ethan admitted. ‘Because even I was thinking that if Phil had lasted for just a few more days...’

‘There are a lot of people waiting for hearts.’ Penny said, practical with the facts. ‘And a lot of hearts are wasted. How’s Justin dealing with it all?’

‘I don’t know,’ Ethan admitted, and saw the rise of her eyebrows. ‘It’s all a bit of a mess. Gina wants nothing to do with Phil’s side of the family and I can’t say I blame her. She wasn’t exactly treated well by my uncle and aunt.’ He gave a tired shrug. ‘Anyway, there’s nothing I can do.’ He went to ask how she was doing, but changed his mind—he really didn’t want a conversation about egg retrieval and a five-day wait before embryo transfer. ‘I’d better get back out there.’

‘Sure,’ Penny said, but there was an impossible tension between them.

And so they muddled through and it was a bit easier to be aloof than he’d thought it might be, because he was a bit fed up too, not just with Penny but with himself. He didn’t particularly like the superficial Ethan who, a couple of weeks later, had this guilty image of Penny’s test results being negative and asking her for a night out in the city to cheer her up and then taking her back to his apartment to make love, not babies.

And, yes, he was glad it was a long weekend coming up and that in one hour from now he’d be out of there.

Hopefully without seeing Penny, because she was about to start a stint of nights and was off today.

Then, just when he thought he’d got through it, in Penny walked. She had Jasmine’s toddler son with her—must be picking him up from crèche to help Jasmine out. He saw Jasmine give her a brief, excited hug, saw Penny warn her to hush, and even without that, Ethan knew that she was pregnant, he just knew from the timing, because he’d been back on the IVF site again.

And, no, there was no avoiding her and no avoiding the fact he was crazy about a woman who was pregnant, and not with his child.

‘Hi, there.’ Jasmine had taken Simon to the vending machine and he came over when she caught his eye. ‘Ready for nights?’ he asked.

‘As I’ll ever be.’

‘So?’ he asked, because even if he didn’t want to know, he knew. ‘How are you?’

‘Good,’ Penny said, and her back teeth clamped down because she wanted to tell him her news but it was far too early. But more than that she wanted to flirt, she wanted him and he was just out of bounds. She wanted dates and dinners and laughter and fun, yet she badly wanted the baby inside her too. ‘What are you doing for the long weekend? Anything nice?’

‘Yep.’ Ethan nodded. It had been a long day and now, with the unspoken news hanging between them, more than ever he just wanted to get away. ‘I’ve got the long weekend and then two days off, I’m not back here till Thursday. I’m going out on a boat and hopefully we’ll all be eating too much, drinking too much and talking too much.’

‘With friends?’ She thought her face would crack from smiling.

‘Family,’ Ethan said. ‘We do it every year.’

‘Sounds great,’ Penny said. ‘Kate will have her hands full.’ Penny could imagine nothing worse than being at sea with toddlers—she’d have a nervous breakdown.

‘God, no.’ Ethan pulled a face. ‘Once a year my mum has them all for her so she can get away. Kate says it keeps her sane. It would never happen otherwise.’

‘I don’t blame her,’ Penny said. ‘She’d be worried sick trying to keep tabs on them on a boat.’

‘I meant I wouldn’t be going if she brought them.’ He hesitated, tried to turn it into a joke and then stopped, but he’d said it all, really—he was Mr R&R, heading off, kicking back and just so removed from the world she was about to join.

‘It sounds lovely,’ Penny said, because a few nights out at sea with Ethan, well, there was not a lot she could think of that sounded nicer than that.

He looked at her for a very long time, wished she could come along, could almost see her in a sarong with sunburnt shoulders, and he couldn’t help but regret all the things they could have done, all the dates they could have been on and he was, for a ridiculous moment, tempted to ask her to see if she could swap her nights with someone and come with him, but he stopped himself, because even if the impossible could be achieved, he soon saw the real picture.

No wine, because she wasn’t drinking.

No seafood either.

And throwing up on the hour every hour as Kate had done one year.

‘Have a good break,’ Penny said.

Oh, he fully intended to!

* * *

Only it wasn’t that great.

Given what had had happened in recent weeks, it was a far more sombre affair, of course.

‘You’re quiet,’ Kate commented on the Saturday morning. It was a glorious day, the sky blue, the wind crisp and the sun hot.

‘I think we’re all quiet,’ Ethan said.

‘I rang Gina.’ Ethan looked over, hoping there had been some progress, but Kate shook her head. ‘I said maybe we could get the kids together, but she said no. Surely she can’t keep Justin from his grandparents?’

‘I guess she can,’ Ethan said. ‘Or she can make it as difficult as possible for them to see him, which she is.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m staying out of it.’

‘Ethan, you can’t do nothing.’

‘I can,’ he interrupted, ‘because if I say what I really think about the situation, it’s going to be a few very long days at sea.’

‘Say it to me,’ Kate pushed.

‘Are you sure?’ He looked at his sister, who nodded. ‘Phil should have sorted this.’ He watched her jaw tighten and Kate struggled for a moment before she could respond.

‘He didn’t know this was going to happen.’

‘Yes, he did,’ Ethan interrupted. ‘I told him to sort this. I told him he had to work things out between his parents and Gina. Phil knew full well the mess he’d be leaving behind if he didn’t sort something out. I know he did, because I told him. Frankly, I don’t blame Gina for wanting to have nothing to do with us. Maybe Jack and Vera should have thought about the future before they opened their mouths when Gina had the audacity to break up with their son.’

‘No one knew then how sick Phil was going to get.’

‘No one ever knows what the future holds.’ Ethan refused to turn Phil into a saint and even if his aunt and uncle were grieving, it didn’t suddenly make them infallible. ‘I love Jack and Vera and I loved Phil, but the fact is that some of this mess is of their own making,’ Ethan said. ‘See now why I’m staying out of it?’

Kate nodded and looked at her rarely angry brother and was positive something else was eating him. ‘Is there anything else going on?’

They were close, they were twins and they spoke a lot, but Ethan had only once before said what he was about to. ‘I like someone.’

Kate saw his grim face. ‘Married?’ she groaned.

‘No.’

‘How long have you known her?’

‘Since I started my new job, well, just after. She was having a couple of weeks off.’

‘What’s she like?’

‘Moody, angry, funny, single...’

‘Kids?’ Kate checked, because there had to be a ‘but’.

‘Pregnant.’ He looked at his sister. ‘Only just.’

‘Ethan!’ Kate couldn’t keep the excitement from her voice, but she didn’t get carried away when she saw his face. ‘I know you said it’s not for you, but—’

‘The baby’s not mine!’ Ethan quickly interrupted. ‘Penny’s on IVF. She’s determined to be a single mum, she’d already started her treatment when we met.’

‘Oh, Ethan.’

‘I was giving her the shots.’

‘Why?’

‘Because she’s petrified of needles and I didn’t fancy her then, or maybe I did.’ He shook his head. ‘Kate, I don’t even think I want kids, you know it broke Caitlin and I up. But even if I could somehow wrap my head around that, I mean even if I’d met Penny and she already had a child...’ He pulled a face. ‘I don’t know, Kate. I can’t walk around watching her get bigger with someone else’s child.’

‘Ethan,’ Kate said. ‘You know Carl and I were both having problems.’ She was very careful not to say too much, but he knew that they had both been having problems, that all three of their children were Carl’s in everything but genes.

‘I get that,’ Ethan said. ‘But I bet Carl took a bit of time to get his head around it, and I bet he said a few things while he did that he wished he could take back now.’

And Kate stayed silent, because her brother was right—it had taken a lot of talking and a lot of soul searching before Carl had come round. ‘And that was with two people who both desperately wanted kids and I don’t even know that I do. I just walked in on the end of Penny’s decision and I’m supposed to be fine with it? Well, I’m not and I’ll tell you this much. I can’t even...’ He shut his mouth. He wasn’t going to discuss
everything
with his sister and he couldn’t explain properly, even to himself, the strange possessiveness that had gripped him when he’d almost slept with Penny.

‘What do
you
want, Ethan?’

‘Penny,’ Ethan said. ‘But I want time with Penny. I want to get to know her some more, it’s still early days. I don’t want to start something with someone who has a baby on board and be the one holding the sick back when I didn’t cause it.’ He looked at his sister. ‘Selfish?’

‘Honest.’

‘And I’m angry too.’

‘Why?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Ethan?’

‘It really doesn’t matter,’ Ethan said, even though he hated it when others did that. ‘Because it’s not relevant now.’

They couldn’t carry on talking as they were being called for. The engines were still and he stood there as Phil’s ashes were scattered. He looked at his aunt and uncle, who had been so strong at the funeral, celebrating his life, weep as the wind carried away the last thing they could do for him.

Only it wasn’t just Phil that Ethan was thinking about as they stood in silence on deck. He wanted Penny to be happy, he was pleased for her, just terribly disappointed for them. Maybe he could do it, maybe he would wrap his head around it in a few months’ time, but he felt as if there were a gun to it now and he looked at the ashes sinking into the waves and he was crying.

Not a lot and he didn’t stand out, there wasn’t a dry eye on board. He had every reason to be choked up, but he was, Kate knew, shedding a tear for other reasons too.

* * *

Penny didn’t mind working nights, and she was actually glad that Ethan was on leave because she just wanted a pause to sort out how she felt about him. She wanted the hormones to calm down so she could look at things a bit more objectively. Not that she’d had even a moment to think about Ethan tonight; the place had been busy from the start of her shift and she was trying to put an NG tube down a very restless patient.

‘Come on, Mia, swallow,’ Penny said. ‘You need this.’

‘I don’t want the tube.’

‘Then you have to drink the charcoal.’

Mia had taken an overdose and to stop the tablets from being absorbed further, she had to be given a large drink of activated charcoal. It looked terrible, it was black and chalky, but as Penny and Vanessa had told the patient over and over, it actually didn’t taste too bad. It was all to no avail, though—despite a lot of coaxing they’d only managed to get half the liquid into Mia.

‘If you can let me put this tube down your nose and into your stomach, we can put the rest of it down and you won’t have to taste it,’ Penny said, ‘and then you can have a rest, but it’s imperative that you have the charcoal.’

‘I can’t.’ The poor girl was upset already—after a huge row at her boyfriend Rory’s house she’d stupidly swallowed some pills and when she’d got home her parents had thought she’d been drinking. When Mia had finally admitted what she had done, before calling the ambulance, there had been another row for Mia with her parents shouting at her, even as the paramedics arrived.

They’d started shouting again when Rory had arrived at the hospital, when most of all Mia needed calm, and Penny was doing her best to ensure that Mia got it, but first she
had
to get the charcoal in.