Self Destruct (21 page)

Rebecca

Dr. Williams cleared me to go home.  He wanted to closely monitor my blood pressure, but it was fine now.  He did not like our idea to go to Vegas in a couple of weeks.  “We're going to the courthouse tomorrow,” Aiden announced when we got back in the car.  “I don’t want to get married at the courthouse,” I said disappointedly.

Aiden ge
ntly rubbed the side of my face.  “I know.  We're only going there to get our marriage license.  How do you feel about getting married in a large cabin in the mountains?”

I smiled and laid my head on his shoulder.  “It sounds really romantic.  How are we going to pull that off with so little time?”  “Jeremy’s family has a cabin near Snoqualmie
Falls.  It has six bedrooms, a large great room, and a second sitting room on the second level.  It will fit our families and friends to stay overnight for the ceremony, but the next day I am stealing you away to a resort,” Aiden explained.

“I must have been a good boy to have missed your mother’s visit.  See, God doesn’t hate gay people,” Jeremy announced as we walked in
to the house.  I plopped down on the couch next to him and ruffled his longish black hair.  “Jer if anyone hated you it would be because you are too pretty, not because you’re gay.”

“Did Romeo talk to you about my offer?” Jeremy asked, his baby blues sparkling.
“He did.  Thanks for offering your cabin,” I said and kissed him on the cheek.  “Alright gorgeous, I’ve got to get a date for a wedding,” Jeremy said and walked off dialing his phone. 

There w
ere lots of details to work out, and only two weeks to accomplish it.  One of Frank’s law school friends had recently become a judge, and agreed to officiate our wedding.  I found a beautiful long sleeved satin dress embroidered with iridescent beads in the shape of snowflakes at a large bridal warehouse in Tacoma.  There were the flowers, food, and photographer to arrange, and this was for less than a dozen people.  Aiden was amazing, he made most of the arrangements, and everything seemed to fall together.

A week before the wedding, Aiden came up to me and put my phone in my hand.  “Call your mother and ask her to our wedding.”  “What if she won’t come?” I asked insecurely.  “You’ll never know unless you ask.  If she refuses to come, we will still get married.  I know we will make sure that our kids never feel the rejection we have felt from our parents.”

“Kids?” I asked anxiously.  He chuckled. “You didn’t think one would be enough did you?  We got such an early start I figure we could have at least five.”  “Five?” I squeaked. 

“Ok, how about two?  I would be fine with two, as long as we keep practicing in case we do want more,” he negotiated and gave me a quick kiss.  “Mmm, I like practicing,” I purred.  “And I like your pregnancy hormones, but you need to quit trying to d
istract me and call your mother,” Aiden insisted.

I dialed my mom, and jumped when she answered quickly.  “Hello baby girl, it’s nice to hear from you,” she greeted enthusiastically.  I felt my eyes water.  She hadn’t called me ‘baby girl’ since before she found out about what Dr. James had been doing to me.  “Hey mom.  Uhm…so…” I stumbled.  “Just spit it out sweetie,” she encouraged.

I think aliens kidnapped my mom and left an imposter in her place.  “Aiden and I are getting married next weekend.  It is going to be in a cabin up Snoqualmie Pass.  We are all staying there.  Can you and Rick make it?” I rushed.

“I thought you two were w
aiting until after you graduate.” “Well I got sick,” I began.  “Oh honey are you ok?  It isn’t cancer is it?  Do you need a kidney, because I’m sure I’m a match,” she rambled.

I felt a huge smile spread across my face.  I hadn’t realized how much I missed her overbearing, overprotective mothering until it reappeared. “I’ve missed you like this,” I confessed.  “I’m so sorry I’ve been such a shitty mom.  I know I made you feel like I didn’t believe what you
told us that bastard did to you," she tried to explain. 

"No mom, please.  I really don't want to talk about this," I protested.  "Becca, I need to apologize to you properly.  Please let me," she begged.  "Ok, I'm listening," I agreed.

"It wasn’t that I didn’t believe you.  Denial was easier, because if I admitted the truth then I had to admit I allowed a pervert to hurt my little girl.  I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to protect you, or strong enough to comfort you at least.”

“What happened to me wasn’t your fault, only your reaction to it.  You don’t know what your apology means to me mom.”  “I have a lot to make up to you baby girl, but answer me already are you all right?” she demanded. 

“Yeah, but…I’m pregnant,” I told her.  “Ah, I see what you mean.  You were sick and the doctors prescribed antibiotics, didn’t they?  Oh honey, did they forgot to tell you they affect birth control?” she asked sympathetically.  “Does everyone know that except me?” I blurted out in frustration.

“Well no, I don’t think everyone does.  And baby girl, of course I’ll be at your wedding.  How are you two handling all of this?”
she asked concerned. “We are really great mom.  Aiden is really excited.” 

I looked around to confirm I was alone.  “I’m surprised actually.  I’m not used to life being this good.  Honestly, I keep expecting him to change his mind about marrying me.”  “W
hy would he do that?” she asked.

“Why wouldn’t he?  I’m tainted mom.  I’ve worked hard in therapy, and I don’t freak out when people touch me anymore.  Well, most of the time.  No matter how hard I try though, I still feel like there is something crawling on me, and everyone can see there is something wrong with me. 

One of his former friends drugged me.  It was like he knew what happened to me and thought it was ok.  His mother hates me.  She seems to even hate our child, and he or she isn’t even here yet.  What if she’s right?  What if I ruin his life?”

I heard my mom sniffle.  “Oh my baby.  I should have been there for you.  I pushed you aside and made this worse.
Don’t try and deny it.  It is probably too late, but I am telling you now, there is nothing wrong with you.  You aren’t tainted, dirty, or any of the horrible things you might tell yourself.  He is sick and dirty, not you baby, never you.”

I was shaking and crying quietly.  I had perfected the art of crying quietly after, well everything.  It came in handy during my freshman year of college, when I wanted my roommate to believe that I was a normal happy co-ed.  It always worked, until now.

Aiden’s strong arms wrapped around my middle and pulled me firmly into his chest.  He took the phone from my hand and put it up to his ear.  “Becca, oh honey,” I heard my mom sob.  “Alice, it’s Aiden.  I need to talk to Becca.”  “Yes, of course.  Take care of her, please,” she begged.  “I plan on it,” he promised.

Aiden looked sad and tired.  It made me cry harder.  I kept thinking
, I put that look on his face.  “Stop,” he ordered.  “I didn’t know you felt that way.  You’ve just been waiting around for me to leave you?  Do you trust me at all?” he asked sternly. 

He turned me in his arms, and tenderly wiped the tears from my face.  I took a deep breath and explained.  “I know I love you, and I only want to be with you.  I just don’t understand why you want to be with me.  Every day I spend with you brings me more happiness than I ever imagined having in my life.”

I slouched down.  Finally, I was able to unload and share this fear.  He carried so many of my burdens already, what difference would one more make?  But, in the back of my mind I always worried which
one would cause him to leave.

“If you believe I’m eventually going to leave you, why did you agree to marry me?”
he demanded.  “Why would I stop the best thing ever to happen to me?” I challenged. 

“I hate the way you see yourself.  I wish I could love you enough for both of us,” he said with a sigh.  I nodded sole
mnly.  My head kept repeating, this is it.  He’s finally realized he is marrying
me.
Dirty, used, and broken me. 

“Even right now you are expecting me to leave, aren’t you?” he asked quietly.  I peered up at him through my lashes.  My heart was hammering in my chest, and my stomach was rolling.  Hot tears streamed down my face.  I couldn’t even squeak out a plea for him to stay.  He was waiting for my answer, so I nodded yes. 

“I can go against my family and yours.  But I don’t know if I can also fight to prove to you that we belong together.”  He shook his head in disgust or frustration, I wasn’t sure, and he left the room.

I crumpled to the ground.  Why couldn’t I just believe him?  He might leave someday, but I knew I was driving him away now.  I rubbed my belly.  “I won’t use you to keep him,” I whispered to my unborn child.  “I know your grandmother thinks I will, but I would never do that.”

“I’m mad at you,” Aiden said from the doorway.  “I know,” I whispered.  “You still aren’t getting rid of me,” he stated.  “I would never want to,” I admitted.  “We are getting you a therapist,” he commanded.  “That’s probably a good idea,” I agreed. 

He scooped me up in his arms, which was becoming a common occurrence with us, and carried me toward our room.  “You at least believe that I love you, don’t you?” he asked me softly.  “Yes,” I answered.

“You are still going to marry me next week, aren’t you?” he asked apprehensively.  “I’m insecure not stupid,” I confirmed.  “What can I do to convince you I’m here forever?  I’ll spend the rest of my days proving to you I’m not going anywhere,” he vowed. 

“That’ll do it.  Time, give me time to understand what I did to be blessed with you when everything e
lse in my life has been so hard,” I responded. 

“
You have made me feel like I'm living again and not just surviving.  You are sweet, loving, smart, and ungodly sexy.  I feel like I need to spend forever deserving
you
.  Stop thinking so hard right now.  Doctor’s orders are to rest.  Shutdown that overactive brain of yours for now,” Aiden pleaded.

He set me down on our bed, and got up to let me rest.  “I do love you, Aiden.  So much it scares me.”  He crawled in next to me, and tucked me in next to his solid body.  “I love you too.  Rest now, I’m not going anywhere.  I’m never going to leave you.”

Aiden

Why did I think getting married at the courthouse was a bad thing?  I paced in front of the makeshift altar waiting for the sign we were going to start.  It was taking a really long time for her to come out.  What if she ran off while I was arguing with Toni over where to put the flowers?  When did I start caring about floral arrangements? 

We definitely should have gotten married at the courthouse.  I tugged on my collar to loosen my tie.  I knew why I insisted on making today special.  I was terrified she was going to look back one day and feel cheated. 

Last week I accidentally overheard Becca talking to her mom.  At first I was pissed she had such little faith in me.  Later that night, while I held her in my arms, I realized it was herself she didn't trust. 

She didn't trust she was enough for me.  She was afraid she would do something to ruin my life.  She felt like a burden to me, and it broke my heart.  I would show her every day how much she made my life worth living, and in time she would believe it.  She had to.

Right now I wanted Kate to start playing the wedding march on the violin.  I wanted to see Becca walk down the aisle and make her my wife.  I scanned the room again.  My dad was sitting with Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, Jeremy’s parents.  Jeremy and I have been friends since we were in pre-school, and I was really close to his parents. 

Reed
, our neighbor, drove up for the ceremony.  He had come over for a beer a couple times a week since the run-in with those slime ball defense lawyers.  I suspected he had a thing for Kate, but she was seeing Jake.  I didn’t really want that guy around. Kate was a stunner, which meant Jake probably wouldn’t pursue Becca, probably.  God, I really needed her to come out and end my anxiety.

Becca’s parents, Alice and
Rick were on the other side of the room.  Brett Scott, Becca’s dad, sat next to her step-dad, or at least he would after he walked Becca down the aisle.  There was obvious tension between Alice and Brett, but the two guys seemed to get along fine. 

Becca’s grandparents
flew in from Colorado.  Of course our friends, Kate, Toni, Cameron and Jeremy were running around making sure everything was ready.  Toni went to help Becca get dressed, after she stopped busting my balls about decorations.  At least I assumed she was helping Becca get dressed and not helping her escape into a getaway vehicle. 

Kate
started tuning her violin, while her twin brother Cameron adjusted lights and his camera equipment.  I planned on taking some photos tonight as well, but I couldn’t exactly take photos of my own wedding during the ceremony.  Luckily, I discovered Cameron was also a gifted photographer.  Jeremy was standing next to me, rapidly texting someone.

“Dude, will you cut that out it is making me nervous,” I
hissed.  He ignored me and continued texting.  Right before I grabbed his phone planning to chuck it across the room, he sighed, “Finally.” 

I scowled at him, but he
only smiled in return.  “That was Toni.  I was telling them to hurry the hell up.  You're like a caged tiger up here.  I told them if they didn’t hurry their fine asses up you were likely to hold the ceremony while consummating your marriage in front of everyone.”   I shook my head.  That was a typical crass response I should have expected from my best man.

My head jerked up as I heard the first notes from Kate’s violin.  Toni walked down the short aisle in her silver bride’s maid dress. 
Becca stepped out, and I had to remember how to breathe.  Her long dark red hair was half piled on her head, and the rest fell in soft curls down her back.  She had on a soft looking veil with tiny silver beads on the edge. 

Her
dress had long sleeves, a full skirt, and lots of cleavage.  I’m sure it wasn’t supposed to be a lot, but pregnancy was making her boobs huge.  Not that I was complaining.  I felt the blood rushing south just thinking about taking it off, and had to focus so I wouldn’t embarrass myself in front of an audience. 

It was both the longest and shortest few seconds of my life watching her walk toward me.  I wanted to live this moment forever, but I was anxious to make her my wife.  Suddenly
she was right in front of me, her hands in mine, and staring at me with those warm green eyes. 

I barely noticed her parents mention their approval.  Neither did I pay much attention to what the judge said.  I heard him, and it seemed profound, but it didn’t stir as much of a reaction as looking at
my bride.

Jeremy elbowed me in the ribs, and I realized I was supposed to say my vows.  "Rebecca the first moment I saw you I was drawn to you.  Every moment I spent with you made me long for the next one, until I wanted your forever.  You are everything I want, and everything I need. 

I promise to love you, cherish you, and honor you every day for the rest of my life.  I will be your best friend, your lover and your partner.  You are the first and last thought I have every day, and I will always make sure you feel it. 

We've already had good times and bad ones, and there will be more over the years.  When they come we will face them together.  Take this ring as a promise that my love for you will never end, no matter the test.  It will go on forever, in this life and whatever comes next."  I slid the ring onto her finger.  "Now, I am yours and you are mine, and nothing will ever come between us."

Becca looked directly into my eyes.  "Aiden, I don't trust easily.  I have always prevented people from getting too close to me, until you.  Being with you felt natural, and easy.  Despite the troubles we have already faced, loving you is the best thing to ever happen to me.  You have lit up my darkness.  When my mind runs toward painful memories, you hold me steady and give me the strength to fight.

I love you so much those words feel inadequate.  You are my freedom, my security, my daring, my passion, my next breath, and my soul.  Aiden you are the best parts of my life.  Take this ring as a symbol of my love, trust, and fidelity, because like this ring they will never end."  With a shaking hand she slid the ring onto my left hand. 

“You may kiss the bride,” the judge announced.  I grabbed her, and locked my mouth on hers like I would die if I didn’t.  Instead of a quick kiss for our guests I deepened it, thrusting my tongue into her mouth, stroking and tasting until I heard her moan deep in her chest.  The judge cleared his throat, and my dad chuckled.  I reluctantly broke away from her.

“I guess he
was
going to consummate the marriage in front of everyone if we hadn’t come out here,” Toni said and winked at Jeremy.  If Jeremy weren't gay I would swear Toni was perfect for him.  Becca was definitely perfect for me. 

I wish we didn't have to have this small reception now.  There are better ways I could think of to celebrate my marriage. 
Maybe they wouldn’t notice if we disappeared upstairs for an hour or two.

Jeremy clapped his hand on my shoulder.  “Wipe that horny look off your face dude, you can’t run off with her just yet.”  “How did you…”I began.  “Uh, you are squirming like your pants are too tight,” Jeremy explained, a little embarrassed.

I turned to Becca, who was swamped with everyone’s attention at the same time.  I tugged her hand, until her back was against my chest.  As soon as I had her snuggled close all of the tension I had been feeling the last few weeks evaporated.  She was mine.  She was my everything, and I would show her everyday if I had to.

“Hey wife,” I whispered next to her ear.  I felt her shiver,
and I quickly kissed the skin there.  She trembled slightly.  “No fair.  Don’t go revving up my hormones until you can do something about it,” she admonished.

“Why should I be the only one suffering?” I asked, and
pressed my erection against her.  “Can we sneak away for an hour or two?” she whispered back.  “Unfortunately, Jeremy says no.  I already thought about that too.”  “Well let’s hurry up then.  I want you,” she grumbled.  “You are perfect for me Mrs. Ryan.”

Everyone mingled while Toni, Jeremy, Becca and I joined the judge to sign the marriage certificate. 
A commotion by the front door stopped me before I signed my name.  I heard my father’s raised voice yelling at my mom.  What the hell did she want now? 

She was super pissed when I told her
she wasn't invited to my wedding.  I knew she would pull some stunt, and I didn’t want her to ruin it for Becca.  Besides, I didn’t mind not inviting her.  I was past the point where I was upset with our lack of a relationship. I was happy to cut her out of my life if she was going to continue to shove Vanessa down my throat.

My father
realized she had already caused a scene and allowed himself to be shoved aside.  The faster we got the drama over with, the sooner we could throw her out. 

“Aiden, don’t sign that!” s
he shrieked.  I pinched the bridge of my nose.  What now?  What ploy was she going to try to have her perfect society wedding between the ice bitch and me?  I picked up my pen and planned to ignore her.

“Be reasonable dammit!  You won’t g
et a penny from your trust fund,” she screeched.  “You tried this approach mother and it didn’t work last time.  I don’t care about the money,” I reminded her. 

“Nadine,” my father growled in warning.  “Aiden,
what she said isn’t true.  I didn’t realize she was telling you that lie,” my father told me, in a weary and defeated voice.  I tipped my head to him, silently thanking him for his support. 

“I know dad. 
I was given all of the legal documents and signed some papers from Gran and Gramps lawyers.  Did you know mom, I have full access to the accounts as soon as I turn twenty-five?” My birthday was next week, during my honeymoon.  What an awesome way to spend my birthday.

“You didn’t say anything,” Becca commented quietly.  “I was going to tell you on my birthday.  I was planning something ridiculously extravagant to tell you that even though it doesn’
t matter we have it anyway.” I shrugged. 

“Ok, but let’s not go crazy.  I don’t like what having a ton of money does to some people,” she said, and
looked at my mother.  “You are amazing.”  I pulled her to me and kissed her deep and long, until my mother cleared her throat.

“At least have her sign this,” she
said disdainfully, and shoved a contract in my face.  “What the hell is this?” I asked, refusing to take the document.  “It’s a prenuptial agreement,” she replied, as if I were slow. 

My dad and I already had an
awkward conversation about this.  I told him under no circumstances would I present her with one.  I explained that I had no intentions to ever get a divorce and refused to plan for one.

“No,” I told my mother firmly.  “Aiden,” she began in a strained voice, “make her sign the papers.”  I took them from her, flipping through the pages and getting more and more pissed as I read it. 

“It says Becca has to provide me with proof of my paternity to any child she conceives.  She agrees to give me custody of any child proven to be mine if either of us leaves the marriage, and will not receive any monetary compensation.  It also lists a specific amount she is allowed to spend each year that we are married.”

“Where did you get that Nadine?” my father snapped.  “I had George Preston draw them up.  With Aiden being so stubborn we thought it was best to guard his assets until he came to his senses,” she explained, unapologetically.  There were a thousand things I wanted to say to her, no, shout at her.

I wanted to yell and shout, but I suddenly realized she just wasn’t worth it.  Not anymore.  I grabbed the pen from the table and signed my marriage certificate with the biggest signature I’d ever written.  Without looking back, I said, “Dad, escort your wife out and then I think it's time we served dinner.  I’ve got a wedding reception to salvage.”

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Ted Anderson, Jeremy’s dad stand and pull a contract from his interior jacket pocket.  He handed it to my dad, who gave him a sad smile. 

“Nadine, I want a divorce.  My parent’s left that money for Aiden, and no amount of maneuvering on your part will grant you access to it.  Luckily, you did sign a prenup.  I insisted because deep down I knew what you were when I married you.  I ignored it for years, but watching you the last couple of months with our son killed what lingering affection I had for you.  Now I just want you gone.”

“Oh, come on Frank.  I only want what is best for him.  With his trust fund, and her social connections he could run for office, maybe
become governor.  What will she bring him?” she asked. “Everything I’ve ever wanted for him, love and happiness,” my father answered.

I could see that she had more fight left, but my father did not.  He was miserable, but at least now he had a chance at love and happiness himself.  “
Reed,” I said, in a one-word request.  He gave me a curt nod and headed toward my mother.  “That's enough Mrs. Ryan.  You need to leave now.”

I
refocused my attention on Becca, the only person I really wanted to be with right now.  “Hey there Red.  Don’t listen to anything she said, and don’t let her ruin our day.” I tried to console her, but the thing I feared had happened.

Her big green eyes
swam with tears, and my heart broke.  “I ruined your relationship with your mother,” she said sniffling.  I tipped her chin up with my finger. “No you didn’t.  She did that, without any help from either of us.”