Seriously... I'm Kidding (13 page)

PSYCHIC:
I knew you didn’t.

SUSIE:
Okay, well it was really nice talking to you.

PSYCHIC:
You’re going to have spinach in your teeth later.

SUSIE:
Thanks.

PSYCHIC:
I knew you were gonna say that.

Ideas

T
here’s a famous quote—“When genius strikes one must be ready to play, or they shall be at the mercy of the taskmaster.” I don’t know if you’re familiar with it or not. Okay, I just made it up.

But while I was writing this book, a lot of my ideas came to me at all sorts of crazy times—out at dinner, in the middle of the night, even while hanging upside down on a Pilates machine. I never knew when a brilliant idea was going to hit me because my brain is working 26/7. Since I wanted to be prepared at all times, for the past year I kept a pen and paper on my person—don’t worry about the specifics of where or how. And every time I had a great idea, I would write it down so I wouldn’t forget it.

Here’s an idea that came to me while I was hanging upside down on my Pilates machine eating dinner in the middle of the night. I think it will prove to you that genius can strike at any moment of any day.

Do you ever notice how people—Hang on, I can’t make out that word. I think it says “smile.” Does that say “smile”? No. Maybe it says “simile.” Why would I write down the word “simile”? I don’t even use that word in my daily life. Why would I write it down? Is that a “Q”? Or a “G”? I don’t know what that says. Does it say “monkey”? I don’t remember thinking about monkeys. I remember thinking about pineapple, but that does not look like pineapple. Actually, it kind of looks like
a
pineapple. It just doesn’t look like the word “pineapple.” Maybe it says “Greenland.” I was just thinking about Greenland. Or was it Iceland? Where does Björk not live? Is this even my handwriting? Who wrote this? Is that blood? No, blood isn’t light blue. It’s definitely ink. What is that word? Astronaut milkshake?

I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have written this chapter.

For the Teenagers

This chapter is 4 cool kids only. U NO WHO U R.

OMG. I’m so happy ur reading this bk. I no I don’t no u, but u r so cool. LOL.

Just want 2 say hi and how r u. What r u doin 2 nite? I M going out l8r 4 dinr w/frenz. I hope they r on time or I will b J.

Here’s a fun-e stor-e. 1 time I told my bro LYLAS. He wuz like whaaaa? And I wuz like J/K! LYLAB. It wuz 2 funny. He wuz like u r 2 much LN. 2 much. LMAO.

N E way… do u like U2? I <3 U2. Do U 2 <3 U2? GJKLE#*OJPOK, LVORPA//%$#. Ooops, I fell asleep on my keyboard!!!!!! OMG! ROTFL.

OK, g2g. TY 4 reading. KIT. 6. TTYL. C U L8R. FSBO.

<3, E

For the Adults Who Don’t Understand the For the Teenagers Chapter and Really Want To

This chapter is for the cool kids only. You know who you are.

Oh my God. I’m so happy that you are reading this book. I know I don’t know you, but I can tell that you are so cool. Just thinking about the fact that I don’t know you, but can still tell that you are cool makes me want to laugh out loud for some reason.

Well, I just want to say hi and see how you are doing. Hey, what are you doing tonight? I am going out later for dinner with a few friends. I hope they are on time or I will be very, very sad.

Here’s a funny story that I think you’ll enjoy. I remember there was this one time I was talking to my brother and I said, “I love you like a sister.” And he looked at me incredulously and said, “What?!” And so then I said, “Just kidding! I love you like a brother.” It was too funny. He was like, “You are too much, Ellen! Too much!” Just thinking about it again right now is making me laugh so much that I am actually laughing my ass off. That’s how funny it is to me. I am laughing my ass off. Bye-bye, ass!

Anyway, do you like the band U2? I love U2. Do you like them also, the band U2, that is? GJKLE#*OJPOK, LVORPA//%$#. Ooops, I fell asleep on my keyboard!!!!!! Oh my God! I can’t believe I did that!

That is funny. That is actually so funny to me that I am currently rolling on the floor laughing. Previously, my ass was falling off from laughing so hard. Now I cannot help but roll around on the floor because of how funny that is.

Okay, I got up off the floor and now I have to get going. Thank you for reading this chapter. Please keep in touch. I am so happy right now. I will talk to you later. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even see you later. For sale by owner.

Love, Ellen

The Longest Chapter

Y
ou might be able to tell from its name, but I just want to make it clear up front that this chapter is the longest chapter in this book. So if you are planning on reading one more chapter before you go to bed or squeezing in one last chapter before you leave for dinner, this might not be the chapter for you to read right now. Because it’s long. Very, very long.

If you’d like, I can tell you really quickly what it’s about and why it’s so long and then you can decide whether or not you want to keep reading it now or come back to it later. And trust me, I will not be offended if you decide to come back to it. I’m not that easily offended. Maybe if you said you didn’t like my shirt or my shoes my feelings would be a little hurt, but otherwise I like to think I’m pretty tough. Plus, I’m the one giving you the option to either keep reading or skip it for now, so it would be weird if I was like, “Hey, why didn’t you keep reading instead of going to your doctor’s appointment? My feelings are hurt!” Because I’m giving you the option.

In fact, for your convenience I’ve made the next chapter of the book a short one. So you might want to skip ahead to that chapter and make that the last one you read before you put the book down, and then you can come back to this chapter later. Just don’t forget to come back to it! Maybe you want to dog-ear this page or bookmark it or write a note to yourself so you remember to read it. I know folding the corner of a page ruins the aesthetic of the book and you might lose money should you ever try to resell it, but that’s what makes life so difficult. It’s the choices you make.

The reason this chapter is so long is because it’s the most compelling chapter in the whole book. I’m going to tell you about something that changed my life forever.

That probably makes you want to keep reading! I don’t mean to try and tempt you to stay. I would feel really awful if I made you late for a date with someone who could have been your future spouse were it not for your unattractive quality of being tardy.

It’s just that I know people want to hear compelling things about me that I’ve never shared before. When I first started writing this book, people kept asking me, “What’s in this book that I’m not going to hear anywhere else? Why should I read it? What’s so special about it?” And I would always answer the same way. “Why don’t you just buy the book because you love me, Mother?”

But I understand what people are saying. I know I’m on TV every day talking about my life. You can read about me online or in magazines. I have that blog about flowers that has over eighty subscribers. Y’all know a lot about me. But you don’t know everything, and that’s what this chapter is about.

And I certainly don’t mean to make this chapter even longer by talking about how long it is. It almost feels like I’m making you wait and wait and wait and I’m never going to get to my point, and I assure you that’s not the case.

But then again, maybe that’s the lesson here. Maybe we all need to slow down and stop running from one place to another all the time. Maybe whatever you’re about to do can wait. Sometimes waiting can be really good for you. As an example, it’s always a good idea to wait at least a half hour after you’ve eaten before you go swimming. Some people say that’s a myth, but I say better to be safe than sorry. I wait a half hour after eating before I go anywhere near water, and that includes swimming, bathing, showering, and panning for gold.

Obviously, there are some times when waiting isn’t great. Waiting on hold on the phone can be annoying. Waiting for the results of an exam or on something like a pregnancy test can be very stressful, I would imagine. And what about how frustrating it is when you have to wait in line for the ladies’ room? What takes so long in there, you guys?!

But at the same time, if you’re waiting for something good like a new movie to come out or for your family to leave town, there’s a feeling of anticipation that can be very exciting. There’s suspense and drama as adrenaline starts to rush through your body like a rocket or like the water that shoots down through those dirty waterslides at theme parks.

Right now you’re probably wild with anticipation. “What is she gonna say? What’s her story? I can barely wait another second to hear something she’s never told anyone!”

And by the way, thank you so much for waiting and reading this chapter all the way through. I have to say I would find it rude if you decided to skip ahead or put the book down after I explicitly stated that I was going to share something for the very first time that changed my life.

It’s not like it’s the only thing I’m sharing in this book that I’ve never told anyone. There’s actually a lot in here that I’ve never shared before. I would say that nearly every single page has a new thought or a new idea or a new word that I’ve never before uttered. Here’s one right now. Quoth. I’ve never said that word before. I’ve never talked about it. This is the only place I will ever mention or discuss the word “quoth.”