Seven Days (16 page)

“Harder,” I whimpered, grinding myself against his pelvic bone. “Please.”

“Harder?” he asked, the hand on my breast moving to grip my ass. Lifting me off his dick, he pulled almost free of me before dropping me and allowing gravity and his cock to find that sweet spot deep inside me. A low, feral moan escaped from my throat at the heady pleasure he was creating.

“Holy shit,” I exhaled, barely having a moment to recover from the sensation before he did it again and then again, stealing my breath from my body this time. Our eyes still staring, still refusing to break our connection. He continued to lift my ass and drop me, my clit coming into contact with the trimmed hair above his dick as the crown of his hardness massaged me on the inside, bringing me back to the brink. My lips trembled with unspoken words as I tried to hang on, waiting for him to get there, too.

“Are you gonna come?” he asked, his pupils dilating further. “God, Carrie, I’m gonna come, come with me,” he shouted, no longer letting gravity do the work as he thrust into me roughly on my downward motion.

“Ryan!” I screamed as I felt the first pulse of his dick inside me, triggering my own release. I fought to keep my eyes open at the decadent wave throbbing and cresting inside me, and I could see he was doing the same. Before I could come down from the incredible high he sent me on, Ryan’s mouth was moving against mine, desperately, and my back was, once again, against the mattress, my legs locked around his waist.

I tried to keep up with the fervor of his kiss, but found that surrendering to it felt so much better. My hands pulled and grasped at his silky, brown hair as he steered me through, his cock still buried deep inside me. Breathlessly, he finally pulled back, caging my face in his hands.

“Please choose me, Carrie,” he said, his voice panicked and his amber eyes wild. “I don’t know if I can exist without you anymore.”

“I—” I croaked, and his eyes closed as if bracing for whatever pain that might come from whatever I might’ve said next, but I didn’t have an answer for him.

“Just, please, don’t pay me lip service, please, think about it. When I get out of this bed, I promise, I’ll try not to bring it up again. I respect the fact that you need time to think, and I just wanted you to be very clear about what my vote was,” he panted out, savoring our connection for another moment before lifting his weight off me and heading to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. I felt cold in his absence. Trying to picture what my life would be at the end of our week together, I saw nothing but darkness. In four short days, Ryan had become my light and it shone on everything that could be good in my life. “Alright, let’s get going!” he announced when he returned, grabbing my ankle and pulling me down the bed. “I’m fucking starving now.”

“Me, too,” I admitted with a wary smile, grabbing the clothes I’d brought for yesterday but hadn’t needed.

“The sooner we eat, the sooner we can head out and the sooner we can find a place to stop on the way to Tucson,” he declared, his eyes sparkling with mischief. He was going to keep his word, for now, and part of me was sad that he’d let it go so quickly.

“Fine,” I agreed, snapping the clasp of my bra and sliding the straps up my arms. “But if we get arrested for indecent exposure, the bail’s on you.”

“It would be the best money, I ever spent,” he winked, pulling on a fresh pair of cargo shorts, making me wonder if he owned anything else. “Let’s go,” he yelled, smacking my ass as I reached for a clean pair of blue silk panties.

“Someone’s impatient,” I teased, stepping into the underwear with deliberate movements. “Maybe I should take my time.”

“Unless you don’t want to make it out of Laughlin today, after all, you need to get some clothes on that naked ass,” he informed me, pulling a dark brown t-shirt over his chest.

“Okay,” I rolled my eyes and pulled my clothes on faster before joining him in the bathroom to finish our hygiene for the day. I tried not to think about the easy routine we’d already settled into on the road and let him usher me out of room we’d shared for the last two days.

**

Because of a couple of unplanned, but completely unavoidable pit stops, we didn’t pull into the Holy Trinity Monastery until just over an hour until closing. He’d wanted to come to Southern Arizona and since he was raised Catholic, the Monastery was on the list of places he wanted to see on his week with me.

I’d never heard of the place, and I hoped that I wouldn’t incinerate the second I stepped foot in the sacred space because of my dubious past. Secretly, though, I was glad to bypass Tucson in favor or something with a little more beauty. I knew I would love it there as soon as I saw the rustic stone sign and dirt road lined with lush, mature trees marking the entrance. The second my feet hit the gravel, I felt like I’d stepped into another world. If it weren’t for the oppressive heat of summer, mixed with the humidity of an impending monsoon storm, I could’ve tricked myself into believing we’d left Arizona.

Ryan grabbed my hand and led me up the path to a gate under an adobe arch leading to a courtyard filled with flowers and tall topiaries. A beautiful Spanish style fountain sat in the middle, halfway toward the adobe church with a picture of the Guadalupe in tile above the door. The heavy wood door marking the church entrance begged for silence. Even if I’d been inclined to talk, the stained glass just inside the door would’ve rendered me speechless. I’d never had a true religious experience, but the peace I felt when I crossed the threshold of that Sanctuary was something I would always treasure. It was as if my muscles knew how to relax simultaneously, but in a way that was different from an orgasm, like a tremendous weight had been lifted from me. I hadn’t shattered from pressure overload, everything just eased. As I walked, I felt like I was able to breathe for the first time in my life. I would always have Ryan to thank for bringing me here, for giving me that moment.

The polished Spanish tiles led the way to the worship area, where I parted ways with my travel companion. I took a seat in the rear while I let him light a candle and say a prayer. I wanted him to have a moment of his own in this peaceful place. While I was waiting, I felt a tap on my shoulder and found a woman standing just behind me with a welcoming smile. She nodded her head back toward the door and started to walk that way, as if she expected me to follow. Something told me I needed to do as she bid, that I shouldn’t ignore her presence.

“I’m so glad you found us,” she said, cryptically, as I made my way back into the courtyard. “You will find the answer you are looking for here,” she informed me.

“How did you—”

“Years of training,” she smiled at me, softly, tapping her finger against her nose. “You look so lost, dear, like you need to find a light in the darkness.”

“I do,” I whispered, adding a nod for emphasis.

“Whatever your transgressions, you will be forgiven by God if you can learn to forgive yourself for taking the only road you were given. It’s okay to acknowledge that you are much too young to consider alternatives,” she continued as if she were a psychic. I couldn’t comprehend how this woman could grasp my struggle so completely in just a moment in my company. I wasn’t obtuse enough to believe that her words would stick for good, just because she seemed to know my inner duress. I had years of self-loathing to overcome before I could truly figure out how to forgive myself for my childhood decisions.

“Thank you,” I bowed my head, grateful for her words. I felt cleansed in her presence, looking over her shoulder to the path she was guiding me toward.

“Take a walk, look for your answer, but please know that it might not be what you think it will be,” she instructed. “Don’t set aside what you find inside yourself. Just because it’s a difficult path, doesn’t mean it won’t be worth it.”

With a nod, I walked out the gate and down the gravel trail leading toward the bird sanctuary. I couldn’t believe the peace and clarity that settled over me as I continued to walk the grounds. Once I reached the meditation pond, I found a flat piece of earth and sat down to reflect on everything that had happened in the last week, and then extended it to the last eight years and beyond.

Like a motion picture, images of the past flitted through my consciousness and mixed with the memories I’d made during my short time with Ryan. A divergence occurred as I sat on the shore, I saw flashes of my future in two ways: one with Ryan, laughing and happy, the other with Britton, still happy and laughing. Something in my chest felt hollow as I saw Britton and me exploring an unknown city in my mind’s eye. Ryan wasn’t there, I knew he wasn’t, but it didn’t stop me from looking for him in the premonitions. Was that my answer? If I left, would I spend the rest of my life looking for the happiness I would have if I figured out a way to stay?

I don’t know how long I sat there before Ryan found me and sat down beside me. He let me enjoy the silence for another couple of moments before helping me to my feet and guiding me back toward the truck. Words could not express the gratitude I had for him not speaking until he opened the passenger side door for me.

“Did you find your answer?” he asked as he helped me up into the seat.

“I don’t know,” I answered, truthfully. I’d gained clarity over my past and what I’d done, but I still couldn’t accept a path for what happened after Sunday. Guilt sat heavy in my gut and I knew I still had a long way to go before I could obtain the peace of accepting who I was and where I’d been.

“It’ll come to you,” he smiled, placing a chaste kiss on my lips before closing me in the truck and rounding the hood. There was a look of pure contentment on his face as he climbed behind the wheel. I knew that my expression mirrored his to some degree for him to understand what I’d been contemplating.

We drove back toward Benson in comfortable silence and found a place to stay for the evening. I didn’t want to accept that I would have to walk away in less than 48 hours. I didn’t want to think about what I would need to do to keep him in my life if I decided to stay after all. Instead, we had dinner in town before retiring to our room. The desperation in our love making was cooled by the bond we’d established at the Monastery. It was still passionate and full of need, but there were no pleas for time or decisions. I didn’t know if the lack of appeals for me to stay instead of run came from his promise or something else. As I settled against Ryan’s chest that night, I hoped that he hadn’t made my choice for me by giving up the fight. Something close to despair at the thought of losing the possibility of a future with Ryan settled into my bones as sleep finally took me.

My eyes opened to a sea of red. Blood covered the carpet and the side of the wall. It was dripping so dark it was nearly black from the couch where her head rested. Her empty green eyes stared back at me and the gun lay clutched in her lifeless hand.

“
See your future?” my dad yelled, pointing at the pale corpse of my mother. “I know what you do, Carrie,” he accused. “I know you act like you are the family martyr, but I hear you in there. I know you like it. I hear you beg them for it,” he snarled, walking toward me. “Calling them Daddy and telling them what to do. Screaming so loudly the walls shake. You don’t even seem to care about the bruises they leave.”

“
I don’t, they make me—” I refuted, stepping backward until my back hit the dirty kitchen wall. I hadn’t even realized how far I’d moved until that moment.

“
You lie! I think you short me my drugs on purpose, just so you have a reason to let them fuck you over and over again,” he censured, still coming toward me. “Or do you just use it yourself? Is that it? You fuck them for their drugs, their money, in the name of helping me, of helping your family, but really, it’s all about you and your needs, your cravings.”

“
No,” I denied, sliding down the wall into and curling in on myself, clasping my hands over my ears to shut out his ugly words.

“
You’re nothing but a stupid whore, Carrie. You’ll never amount to anything more than your mother’s fate,” he prophesized as I closed my eyes, trying to hold back the tears threatening as I rocked back and forth on the floor. “You’re trash, just like she was. I wouldn’t be surprised if you died from your own stupidity, too.”

“
It could’ve just as easily been you,” I shouted back at him.

“
But it wasn’t, so that makes me smarter than she was,” he snorted. “Quit trying to be something you aren’t. You’ll never be more than garbage.”

“
I’m not, I’m better than that,” I recited in a chant, trying to make myself believe it. “I can make something of my life, just give me a chance.”

“Carrie,” Ryan’s soft voice and hand rubbing my back brought me out of another nightmare, a different nightmare. “Are you okay?” he asked when I finally willed my eyes to open.

“I think so?” I said my voice unsure. While disturbing, the nightmare hadn’t wiped away the tranquility of my encounter at the Monastery. Instead, I felt something I hadn’t felt since I was a child. I felt hope and it was the most extraordinary feeling in the world. For the first time, I truly felt my past and the things I’d done as a means of survival didn’t dictate my future or who I was meant to become. I wanted that feeling to last even though a sinking feeling in my gut told me it wouldn’t. Maybe I could make things with Ryan work out after all. That is, if I hadn’t already lost him.