Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (41 page)

[Abu Bakr Muhammad Ibn Abdillah Ibn al-‘Arabi al Maliki,
Ahkam al-Qur’an,
1:188 (12th century ce)]

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j a l a l a l - d i n a b d a l - r a h m a n i b n a b i b a k r a l - s u y u t i “And they have the same rights as those against them in a just manner.” . . .

The Almighty said that if women obey their God and their husbands; the man 184

a z i z a h a l - h i b r i a n d r a j a ’ m . e l h a b t i should address her with kindness, not harm her and maintain her from his own wealth.

In a
hadith
narrated by al-Tirmidhi [d. 892] . . . The Messenger of God— peace be upon him—said, “Truly, you have rights against your wives, and your wives have rights against you. As to your rights against them, they shall not allow in your beds people whom you dislike, and they shall not allow into your homes people of whose presence you disapprove. As to their rights, you shall treat them with kindness and maintain them.”

And in a
hadith
narrated by . . . Mu’awiyah Ibn Haydah al-Qushayri, that he asked the Prophet—peace be upon him—about the rights of the wife against her husband. The Prophet answered, “To feed her from whatever you eat, to cloth her whenever you buy clothes for yourself, never hit her face, never in-sult her, and never abandon her except within the confines of the (spousal) home.” . . .

The messenger of God—peace be upon him—said, “Whenever one of you has intercourse with his wife, he shall not rush her until she satisfies her needs, in the same way he likes his needs satisfied.” . . .

Ibn Abbas . . . said, “I do like to groom myself for my wife as I like her to groom herself for me, for God says ‘and they have the same rights as those against them,’ but I do not like to claim all my rights against her for God also says ‘and men have a degree over them.’ ”

[Al-Suyuti,
al-Durr al-Manthur fi al-Tafsir bi al-Ma’thur,
1:393 (15th century ce)]

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m u h a m m a d r a s h i d r i d a

[“And men have a degree over them (women)”] is a sanctified word. . . . It is a general rule attesting to the state of equality of women to men in all rights except one single matter expressed by God’s saying, “and men have a degree over them.” . . . God referred the details of women’s rights and duties to what is customary amongst people in terms of their lifestyles and ways of dealing with their families. In fact, whatever customs exist in societies emanates from people’s laws, beliefs, ethics, and dealings. This sentence gives the man a standard for measuring his attitudes towards his wife in all matters of life. So that whenever he is about to claim one of his rights against her, he will remember that she has a similar right against him. This is why Ibn Abbas said, “I do groom myself for my wife in the same way I like my wife to groom herself for me” in accordance with this verse.

The word
similar
does not mean the same in kind and genre. Rather, rights and duties between spouses are shared and they are equals. Indeed, for every duty the wife performs for her husband the husband performs an equivalent duty for her, if not in kind then in genre. For they are alike in rights and duties
Islam
185

in the same way they are alike in their essence, their feelings, emotions, and intellect. Each of them is a full human being with a mind that has concerns about his/her interests and a heart that loves what it likes, and hates what does not suit him/her and turns away from it. It is therefore unjust to have one gender in control over the other, making the wives slaves to husbands, humiliating them, and using them for services, especially after tying the knots of marriage and inaugurating a shared life that would not be happy without mutual respect and shared rights. . . .

Furthermore, the verse stresses the position of customs in delineating respective rights to each spouse against the other, except for matters that contradict Islamic law as stated by clear-cut evidence. Customs may vary in time and geographical areas, but the majority of scholars from different schools of thought agree that it is a man’s right to have intercourse with his wife; she should not refuse this right to her husband without a legitimate excuse. Like-wise, she has the right to maintenance, housing, and other related matters. They say that she is not required to bake, cook, or do any housework or any kind of work in his house, commerce, or property. . . .

As to God’s saying “and men have a degree over them,” the verse assigns some duties to women and others to men. For this degree is a degree of leadership and taking care of interests as stated in the verse “Men are
qawwamun
over women because God has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means.” Conjugal life is a social relationship that requires, like any other congregation, leadership. Because the members of the congregation may diverge in their views and wills, their social life cannot therefore be held together without a leader to whom they refer their conflicts, so that they avoid chaos, disunity, and anarchy. In this respect the man is more qualified to lead because he has greater knowledge of (the family’s) interests. He is also more capable of realizing things through his strength of character and financial influence. Thus, he is the one required religiously to protect the woman and maintain her, whereas she is required to obey him to the extent of her abilities. . . .

[Rida,
Tafsir al-Manar,
2:375, 2:380 (19th century ce)]

POLYGAMY

The Qur’an was revealed to a culture steeped in polygamy. It is reported that in Jahiliyyah some men married more than a hundred women at a time. It was therefore unrealistic to prohibit polygamous behavior abruptly. The Islamic approach to this situation as in other matters was to limit the practice severely, designate avenues for ending it, and provide a prescription/description of the ideal state of affairs that excludes the practice. There are only two Qur’anic verses on polygamy. The first is a conditional permission arising within a very 186

a z i z a h a l - h i b r i a n d r a j a ’ m . e l h a b t i specific context, namely, the treatment of orphaned girls whose guardians may want to marry them in order to appropriate their wealth. The verse limits this practice, which was prevalent at the time. The second verse imposes difficult conditions of fairness and justice on men who want to marry more than one woman, essentially making polygamy impossible for a righteous man. Still, the Qur’anic statement on polygamy is more complex than some scholars are will-ing to admit. For example, the permission to marry up to four wives is premised upon concerns about the oppression of the orphan girls discussed earlier and appears only within that context. The significance of the full context of the verse has been overlooked by many scholars. Yet it clearly links the permission to marry more than one wife to the specific situation of orphan girls and a specific practice concerning them that existed at the time of the Prophet. Further, the Qur’an states that if men feared being unjust toward orphans these men may marry up to four wives of other (nonorphan) women so long as they treat them equitably and fairly. Yet the Qur’an states in the same chapter that it is not possible to be equitable and fair among wives, even if it were one’s ardent desire. Although it is not possible to understand this verse about polygamy in all its complexity without understanding fully the social practice it was revealed to avoid, one thing is nevertheless clear: the Qur’an expressly states that polygamy results in injustice. Consequently, it is not an optimal way of arranging marital relations. As the selections from the nineteenth-century Egyptian scholars Muhammad ‘Abduh and Rashid Rida illustrate, many pious men understood the verse on polygamy as a restriction, a regulation, and a limitation of the practice, not as an obligation or even a recommendation. So, they abandoned polygamy in the hope of achieving the ideal of marital relations, described in the Qur’an, namely, that of the state of tranquillity, mercy, and affection. The Prophet himself exhibited preference for monogamy in his long-lasting relationship with Khadijah, who was twenty years his senior, and in his refusal to allow his cousin Ali, who was married to the Prophet’s daughter, to take a second wife.21 Others opted for self-serving conduct by engaging in polygamy without honoring the Qur’anic restrictions. As a result, women and children often suffered, leading to the interference of the state to regulate this practice, as the speech of the King of Morocco illustrates.

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q u r ’ a n 4 : 3

If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one. . . .

[Al-Nisa’, The Women]

Islam
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Document 3–57

q u r ’ a n 4 : 1 2 9

You are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire. But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If you come to a friendly understanding, and practice self-restraint, God is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.

[Al-Nisa’, The Women]

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h a d i t h

I heard the Prophet saying while on the pulpit, “the family of Hisham Ibn al-Mughirah have asked me to allow them to marry their daughter to ‘Ali Ibn Abi Talib;22 but I do not give permission, I do not give permission, and I do not give permission [
sic
], unless [‘Ali] Ibn Abi Talib divorces my daughter in order to marry their daughter. For Fatimah is part of me; whatever hurts her hurts me and whatever harms her harms me.”

[Hadith narrated by al-Miswar Ibn Makhramah and reported in al-Bukhari, Sahih Al-Bukhari, bk. 62, Kitab al-Nikah (marriage), No. 157; and Al-Asqalani,
Fath Al-Bari
Sharh Sahih al-Bukhari,
9:408, no. 5230 (9th century ce)]

Document 3–59

a b u j a ’ f a r m u h a m m a d i b n j a r i r a l - t a b a r i The verse restricts the number of wives a man may marry at one time to four.

It is known that before Islam men used to have more than ten wives at the same time. It warned men that if they fear they cannot do justice among their wives they must be content with one.

[Al-Tabari,
Jami’ al-Bayan fi Tafsir al-Qur’an,
4:157 (9th century ce)]

Document 3–60

m u h a m m a d ‘ a b d u h

The amount of humiliation to women is self evident in the phenomenon of polygamy. Therefore, God intended to bring his compassion unto women in his law by affirming their rights, elevating their status, and restoring their dignity.

For that reason He linked the permissibility of taking more than one wife to justice and equity. Whenever there is an occurrence of injustice or inequity no man is permitted to marry more than one woman. This makes it clear that Islam aims at discouraging the practice of polygamy and not at encouraging it. . . . For Islam restricted the number of permissible wives to four and then 188

a z i z a h a l - h i b r i a n d r a j a ’ m . e l h a b t i questioned the good judgment of polygamous people by stating that if they were reasonable enough they would be content with a single spouse.

The permissibility of abolishing this practice is beyond doubt; first, due to the requirement of justice in the equation. Perhaps that element exists in one case out of a million, but not in the remaining cases. Second, bad treatment of women from men in polygamous relationships is common. This could be seen in cases where women are denied some basic rights, such as maintenance expenses. In cases where injustice prevails in polygamous relationships it is permissible for the ruler or the judge to put an end to the practice. Third, it has become common knowledge that animosity among children originates sometimes from the fact that they have different mothers. That hatred and loathing between them grows in intensity as they grow up and leads in most cases to destructive results. A ruler or a judge may reserve the discretion to end the practice of polygamy to safeguard households from the phenomenon of self-

destruction resulting from internal hostilities. It is, however, permissible for the husband of a barren wife to take a second wife for the purpose of having children. In this case the husband should not be prevented from his right to a second wife if he can prove his case before a judge. Religion is not against forbidding this practice; it is rather tradition and customs that are.

[‘Abduh,
Al-a’mal al-Kamilah,
2:84–95 (19th century ce)]

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There are three clear-cut matters in here related to polygamy: The first one: Islam did not make polygamy compulsory and did not recommend it either. It merely mentioned it in the context of stating that most of those who practice it do not escape from committing the forbidden injustice.

The wisdom and the reason of this are to make one moderate his impulsive desires and think about the much more serious responsibilities of justice and equity ahead of him.

The second one: Islam did not completely prohibit it, for it took into consideration the nature of men and their inherited customs all over the world in not restricting themselves to enjoying the company of one sole spouse. Some others wish to have progeny but their barren, old, or sick wives cannot. It also took into account the fact that sometimes women populations outnumber those of men in some parts of the world, especially in time of war, and that those widowed women cannot find loving and supportive men but only married ones who can still be just and financially capable.

The third one: for the earlier and the latter reasons God has left polygamy permissible. However, He limited it in number and restricted it by conditions of justice and fairness as previously mentioned so that its harm is avoided and
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its benefit is kept if the concerned man observes all the requirements we have cited, moral, ethical, and legal.

We have, indeed, seen with our own eyes and heard with our ears some contemporary religious and righteous men, who were not fortunate with their first wives in having children, and those first wives were indeed the ones who encouraged them to take second wives, and that both wives lived in harmony like true sisters. This was the state of most Muslims in early Islam. However, this phenomenon has diminished due to what happened in most Muslim communities, namely, ignorance of Islam, its teachings, rulings, and ethics with regard to marriage. The education of Muslims deteriorated as their governments declined, to the point where polygamy has become in many countries a source of numerous types of corruption
(mafasid)
for couples, children, and their families. The values of the conjugal relationship as described in the Qur’an— namely love, affection, and mercy—were then turned into their opposites. Our sheikh the professor and imam [‘Abduh], waged in the course of his interpretation of this verse in al-Azhar23 an all-out war on this corruption in Egypt and concluded that the nation cannot be properly educated while these corrupt practices of polygamy continue. He then concluded that polygamy should be banned based on the rule “No harming and no harm,” stated clearly in the
hadith,
and on the jurisprudential rule that states that preventing harm prevails over bringing about benefits.”