Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (42 page)

[Muhammad Rashid Rida,
Huquq al-Nisa’ fi al-Islam
(Women’s Rights in Islam) (Beirut: al-Maktab al-Islami, 1975), pp. 66–68 (19th century ce)]

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Regarding polygamy, we have seen to it that the true, tolerant intentions
(maq-asid)
of Islam with respect to justice are duly taken into account. In this regard Almighty God allowed polygamy, but subject to compliance with strict conditions; He said, “ . . . And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with women), then only one.”

Then the Almighty ruled out the possibility for man to do justice in this particular case, He said, “You are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire.” We also have sought guidance from the pristine wisdom of Islam which makes it legally possible for a man to take a second wife, but only in circumstances beyond his control, under strict limitations and with a judge’s permission. Failure to allow for such exceptions by outlawing polygamy may result in men being tempted to engage in unlawful polygamy.

Hence, polygamy shall be allowed solely in the following cases and under the legal conditions below:

The judge shall not allow polygamy unless he ascertains that the husband will treat his second wife and her children on an equal footing with the first, 190

a z i z a h a l - h i b r i a n d r a j a ’ m . e l h a b t i that he will provide the same living conditions for all, and that there is an exceptional and objective justification for polygamy; The woman may, and has the right to, include a stipulation in the marriage contract whereby her husband will refrain from taking a second wife. . . . If no such condition has been stipulated, the judge shall summon the first wife to secure her consent to her husband’s second marriage. Similarly, the second wife must be informed that her husband-to-be is already married. Her consent must also be secured. The first wife shall have the right to seek divorce for harm if she so chooses.”

[King Mohamed VI of Morocco, speech to the Parliament fall session, October 10, 2003]

MARITAL CONFLICT

The Qur’an encourages couples to resolve marital conflict privately in a spirit of fairness and kindness. Indeed, the Prophet’s own behavior with his wives, whom he always treated with respect and affection, is understood by most Muslims to exemplify the ideal relationship between spouses. If a dispute cannot be solved equitably between the spouses, the Qur’an prescribes mediation, based on a principle of family intervention in which both families of the couple are assigned equal roles. Some have argued that a passage in verse 4:34 of the Qur’an, which addresses the “chastisement” of wives, authorizes husbands to hit their wives. But the passage is grammatically quite complicated and exhibits a similar structure as the verse on polygamy. It is conditional and not absolute.

It severely restricts and alters the act of hitting, which was rampant in that society, rather than condones it. After all, hitting is diametrically opposed to the ideal marital relationship of tranquillity, mercy, and affection. As with many other societal ills, such as polygamy and drinking alcohol, the Qur’an adopts a gradualist philosophy of change that would make it possible for society to reform. In the so-called chastisement passage the Qur’an reminds men that God is greater and that they have no right to chastise righteous women. But chastisement itself in the Qur’an, as exemplified in the story of Job who took an oath to chastise his wife, has been altered into a thoroughly symbolic act. It allows the husband to express his anger and frustration without harming the woman. Job, for example, was ordered to “hit” his wife with a bunch of basil to satisfy his oath to strike her. This is why Muslim scholars have recognized the Muslim woman’s right to take her husband to court , whether for criminal prosecution or for divorce, if he harms her in any way. For example, Jordanian and Kuwaiti Islamic family laws allow an action for divorce if the husband verbally abused his wife. Even medieval jurists permitted a man to “hit” his wife only symbolically with a
miswak
(a soft little twig used as a toothbrush), or handkerchief, and allowed the wife the right to seek punitive action if the husband transgresses beyond these limits. Thus the chastisement passage is truly a passage about anger management for men, not about chastising women. As
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proof is the fact that, despite all these limitations on the act of hitting in a world where beating women was the norm, a man is not even permitted to reach this stage of symbolic “hitting” until he has first tried to communicate with his wife and then abandoned her in bed without success. Further, the Qur’an makes clear that no husband has the right to express his anger towards a righteous and God-fearing wife. This behavior may only take place when the wife is
nashiz.
Some male jurists have defined this notion broadly to mean a “disobedient” woman. More specifically, they meant a woman who is “disobedient to the husband,” as opposed to being disobedient to God. Under this definition, even an act of minor “disobedience” to the husband was used to justify domestic violence. Other jurists, however, defined this word more properly, in part because of the statement made by the Prophet in his farewell address that tied the act of hitting only to cases where the husband fears that the wife is about to commit
fahishah mubayyinah
(an act of adultery clear and evident to all). So these jurists limited the word
nashiz
to this context, just as they limited the act of “hitting” to its symbolic context. Many com-mentators insist that the prophetic tradition, or
sunnah,
surrounding this passage is very explicit in forbidding violence against wives and women in general and that both the Qur’an and the Prophet exhort Muslims to treat their wives kindly or to part amicably. In light of the Qur’anic ideal of marital relations, the majority of Muslim scholars over the centuries have concluded that while the act of “hitting” is permissible in Islam, abandoning it is preferable and more graceful.

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q u r ’ a n 4 : 1 9

O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower you have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them it may be that you dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good.

[Al-Nisa’, The Women]

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q u r ’ a n 4 : 1 2 8

If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best; even though men’s souls are swayed by greed. But if you do well and practice self-restraint, God is well-acquainted with all that you do.

[Al-Nisa’, The Women]

192

a z i z a h a l - h i b r i a n d r a j a ’ m . e l h a b t i
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q u r ’ a n 4 : 3 4

As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct [
nushuz
],24

admonish them (first), (next,) refuse to share their beds, (and last,) beat them (lightly), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance).

[Al-Nisa’, The Women]

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q u r ’ a n 4 : 3 5

If you fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish peace, God will cause their reconciliation.

[Al-Nisa’, The Women]

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Be good to women; for they are powerless captives
(‘awan)
in your households.

You took them in God’s trust, and legitimated your sexual relations with the word of God, so come to your senses people, and hear my words.

[Hadith narrated by the father of Ja’far Ibn Muhammad, in Abu Dawud,
Sunan Abu
Dawud, Kitab al-Manasik,
no. 1905, vol. 2, p. 455; and al-Tirmidhi in
Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Kitab al-Nikah,
no. 1173 (9th century ce)]

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Mu’awiyah al-Qushayri asked, “God’s Apostle, what is the right of the wife of one of us over him?” He answered, “Her right is to feed her as you feed yourself, to clothe her as you clothe yourself; do not hit her on the face, do not use insulting language, and do not abandon her except in the house.”

[Hadith reported in Abu-Dawud,
Sunan Abu-Dawud,
bk. 11,
Kitab al-Nikah,
no. 2142 (9th century ce)]25

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The Prophet said, “Let not one of you whip his wife like a slave, then have sexual intercourse with her at the end of the day.”

[Hadith narrated by ‘Abdullah Ibn Zam’a, in Al-Bukhari,
Sahih al-Bukhari,
vol. 7, bk. 62,
Kitab al-Nikah,
no. 132 (9th century ce)]

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A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.

[Hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah, in Muslim,
Sahih Muslim,
bk. 08, no. 3469. (9th century ce)]

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The Prophet said, “The most perfect of the believers in faith is the one who has the best morals, and the best of you are the kindest of you to their wives.”

[Hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah in al-Tirmidhi,
Sunan al-Tirmidhi,
Kitab al-Nikah,
no. 1172. (9th century ce)]

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The Prophet said, “A woman is usually taken in marriage for four qualities, her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religiosity. So get hold of the religious one, and you will be blessed.”

[Hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah, in al-Bukhari,
Sahih al-Bukhari,
vol. 7, bk. 62,
Kitab al-Nikah,
no. 27 (9th century ce)]

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a b u j a ’ f a r m u h a m m a d i b n j a r i r a l - t a b a r i The meaning of the verse, “As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct”: Expert exegetes of the Qur’an diverged in their views over the meaning of this verse. Some said that the meaning of the verb
fear
here is not but sure knowledge. . . .

A group of other scholars suggested that the meaning of
fear
here is fear that is the opposite of hope. They said this means when you start observing things that make you fear that your wives will turn against you, such as looking at other men or leaving homes frequently, and you become suspicious, you may then admonish them and leave them alone. . . .

As to His saying
nushuz,
it means for wives showing contempt to their husbands, refusing to join them in their conjugal bed, and disobeying them in matters where their obedience is required; all this out of dislike and despise. . . . “Admonish them” means remind them of God’s wrath because of 194

a z i z a h a l - h i b r i a n d r a j a ’ m . e l h a b t i their disobedience to their spouses in matters where God ordered them to obey. . . .

[Al-Tabari,
Jami’ al-Bayan fi Tafsir al-Qur’an,
5:39–40 (9th century ce)]

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a b u h a m i d a l - g h a z a l i

The second quality [among those required for marriage]: treating women well and bearing their ill treatment. . . . God said, “keep them good company.” He also said, underlining the gravity of their rights, “they have taken from you a solemn covenant. . . . ” The last things the Messenger recommended were three things he kept repeating till his voice faded away: “Uphold the daily prayers, take good care of your slaves, do not burden them with things beyond their capacity, and observe God’s exhortations relating to your wives, for they are like slaves in your hands. You took them in trust from God and made them your wives by His words.”

The Prophet also said, “Whoever shows patience towards his wife’s ill-treatment, God will give him the same reward he gave to Job (Ayyub), and whoever shows patience toward her husband’s ill-treatment, God will give her the same reward he gave to Asiyah the wife of Pharaoh.” One should also know that treating one’s wife well does not only mean not harming her; rather, it means to endure ill treatment and be patient when she gets angry and loses her temper, as the Messenger used to forgive his wives who used to argue with him and turn away from him for the whole day. . . .

‘A’ishah once got angry and said to the Prophet, “ . . . You, who claims to be Prophet of God!” The Messenger of God smiled and tolerated her in the spirit of forgiveness and generosity. He told her once, “I can tell when you are happy and when you are angry!” She asked, “How?” And he said, “When you are happy you swear by Mohammad’s God and when you are angry you swear by Abraham’s God.” She then said, “You are right, I avoid mentioning your name then!”

It is believed that the first love story in Islam was that of Prophet Muhammad and ‘A’ishah.26 The Prophet used to say to his other wives: “Do not upset me by saying bad things about ‘A’ishah, for she is the only woman in whose company I have received the revelation!” Anas reported that the Prophet was the most compassionate person in matters concerning women and children. . . .

Third: respond to their harshness by teasing them, joking and kidding with them, for it is certain this softens women’s hearts. The Prophet . . . said, “The people with the most perfect faith are those with the best ethics and who are the kindest toward their families.” He also said, “The best among you are those who are the kindest toward their family, and I am the kindest toward my family.”

‘Umar, despite his toughness, once said, “One should always be like a child with his family, but when they need him they should find a man.” Lukman
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said, “One should be like a child with his family, but once in the community he should behave like a man. . . . ”