Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (59 page)

In case of the girl’s marriage,
nath
(nose ring) and
tı¯ka¯
(ornament for the forehead) made of gold, anklet and
bicwa
s (toe rings made of silver). Giving of
nath
signifies testimony by the maternal uncle to the fact that the girl is virgin and of sound character;
tı¯ka¯
signifies that she will uphold the good example set by her mother in her family (for the honour of her biological parents) and the extended family in the future; anklets and
bichwa
s as a blessing for her future long-lived married life and a reminder to the girl that she has to observe the Sı¯ma¯-Bandhana of both families’ tradition.

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Normally a set of kitchen utensils and a bedroom set are also given by the maternal uncle. Gift giving varies in different communities and according to socio-economic condition of the two families. Under no circumstance this should cause any financial hardship for the sake of compliance to certain customs.

Usually the maternal uncle is given the active responsibility of looking after the
bhanda¯ra
(a storage place for all the sweets in the case of the girl’s side) and the handling of the money for all purposes, on different occasions. Often the maternal uncle is called Bhandari (treasurer). This was a very important role when all sweets were cooked by the professional cooks at the home of the girl and kept in the storage for a number of days (four to five). None of these sweets were eaten by any member of the family until the girl had been married and sent to her new home. In those days, actual cash was used for all transactions.

Kan
.
gana Bandhana
Kan.gana (amulet) is made of handspun and hand-dyed yarn, including many different colors except black and blue, with a number of attached items such as an iron ring, a supari, a conch-shaped sea shell, a copper ring, a whole turmeric, and mustard seeds on a red piece of cloth for tying around the wrist.

This is usually done a day before the departure for the marriage ceremony at both of the homes. In addition Navagraha pu¯ja¯ is performed. Both the boy and girl are kept at home after this, until the boy departs for the girl’s home, and the girl is married.

Sehra¯ Bandhi and Ghur Charhi
This particular ceremony is done only at the boy’s home. In the presence of all the members of the family, relatives and friends, the groom takes a vow that he has in the past always lived up to the traditions of the family and in the future will represent the cultural heritage of the family and the society. The priest of the family or the eldest male member of the family bestows his blessings and acts as sa¯ks.ı¯ [witness] for the groom and the family by putting the turban (symbol of respect and honor) on the head of the groom and tying the sehra¯ [garland]

on the turban. The groom, dressed up for marriage, rides on a well-decorated horse, escorted by two people carrying
ballama
s [mace or spear] and a man behind the horse carrying a big umbrella, followed by quite a few family members. On the way, women continue singing man.galaga¯n in chorus. In the front all along the procession there is normally a big band playing. The boy and the party go to the nearest temple for worship. The procession ends at the home of a friend, or wherever the parents have planned for the overnight stay of the groom, if the marriage party is to depart the next day. Otherwise, from the temple, the party departs for the girl’s home. Along with the groom, a young boy, usually from the maternal uncle’s side, is made “sarba¯la¯,” (Vina¯yaka) a close associate of the groom. He too is dressed like the groom.

Sisters-in-law (bha¯bhies) put ka¯jala in the eyes of the groom for cosmetic reasons, and to ward off the evil spirits, and as a sa¯ks.ı¯ to the behavior of the

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groom towards the female members of the family. The groom seeks their blessings by touching their feet and giving each of them some ornament as a gift.

Sister[s] of the groom tie or braid the long mane of the horse and feed the horse with pre-soaked gram dal. As a ritual, the brothers-in-law escort the horse for a little while. Sisters of the groom and brothers-in-law are presented with cash or other gifts. On this occasion, also called Sehra¯ Bandı¯, relatives and friends give cash gifts (called shagun in northern India) to the boy and also his young associate.

Reception of the Groom
’
s Marriage Party in the Home Town of the Bride
Depending upon the mode of transportation used by the groom’s party, a reception group is arranged to meet the party where they enter the city. The party is then taken to a place where they can stay for the night (if it is an overnight stay) or to some suitable place where they can relax, change clothes,
etc.
At this place, light snacks are served. This part of the reception is led by an elder brother of the girl. A few close relatives and friends form the group for the reception into the town.

After the party has had enough time to relax, the girl’s father, an elder person of the community, a few other relatives, and some friends with a priest, come to this place for a formal reception. The girl’s father does tilak to the groom and presents some gifts. The father of the boy presents some jewellery sets, five or more dresses, a cosmetic set for the girl, and a few gifts for the children of the family. These, are given to the father of the girl. Jewellery given for the girl is called strı¯-dhana, or personal property of the girl. In a very rare and difficult situation she may part with these for the protection of the family. This is exempt from bankruptcy under Indian law. The role of the two priests continues as usual with chanting of mantras.

Reception of the Groom and his Party at the Bride’s Home
The groom rides on a well-decorated horse just as he did in his own hometown, sometimes in a horse buggy, a convertible car or on an elephant led by a band, a party of musicians on a separate open truck, a group of nafiri players and whatever the family chooses for pomp and show, followed by other members of the party to the girl’s home. This walk, in a procession, is usually limited to less than a mile. The children and adults dance in groups or in solo dances, stopping at times along the way. It may take two or three hours to cover this short distance. Adequate security measures are provided by the girl’s family so that no unwanted person might cause any problems.

When the party reaches the girl’s home, men from the bride’s side stand in two rows to leave a passage in between for the marriage party. The father of the girl and other close relatives of the girl stand at the gate for reception of the party. It has become customary to recite a poem on behalf of the groom’s party.

This is done by the groom’s brother-in-law, stating the genealogical inheritance of the boy, along with the blessings of ancestors and wishes from all the living relatives and friends on this occasion. This poem is called Sehara¯ and is printed
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277

on a quality paper. A framed copy is presented to the girl’s father. [The] [b]oy’s brothers-in-law bring perfumed rose water in silver sprinklers to sprinkle on the relatives from both families on this occasion. The girl’s side arranges enough garlands made of fresh flowers, so that at least one can be offered to each member of the immediate family and also other members of the groom’s party.

Boy’s side also arranges for enough garlands that are offered to the immediate relatives of the girl individually in reciprocation at the time of
milni
(introduc-tion of equivalent status relatives) on this occasion. A big garland is arranged for the bride. The girl’s parents and other close relatives offer some cash or gifts to the corresponding relative in the groom’s party. This cash or gift is called
milni.
Many times this is also given to the close friends of the groom’s family, depending on their closeness to the family. Other members of the party are also given some gifts. Gift or cash given is simply a recognition of the relatives.

The mother of the bride, or the eldest sister-in-law in the absence of the mother, does arati [circular waving of a lighted lamp] of the groom at the entrance of the home. This location may be shifted if the marriage ceremony is to be performed at some other place than the home of the bride. The groom stands, without shoes on a chauki, which is placed in front of the rangoli, made with different colored cereals, flour, flowers,
etc.
No one steps on the rangoli.

The woman who does the a¯ratı¯ [clockwise waving a lighted lamp] has to be a suhagin, having a living husband. This is probably more of a tradition rather than a religious dictate. Other women sing songs of welcome in a chorus. After the a¯ratı¯, the bride steps forward, assisted by her friends and sisters to welcome the groom. She first offers water to wash his feet. Then she puts a big garland made of fresh flowers around the groom’s neck. Reciprocating the reception by the bride, the groom also puts a garland around the neck of the bride. Usual worship-service mantras are recited by the priest of the girl’s side. All of this ceremony is to pray and wish blessings from God for good relationship between the families of the girl and the boy.

The Marriage Dinner

After this ceremony, the groom’s party is led to the
viva¯ha mandapa
(place where the actual marriage ceremony takes place). Many times the dinner is arranged before going to the
viva¯ha mandapa
for the marriage ceremony. In this case, they all go to the well-decorated dining area. It is a very formal dinner.

In old days the dinner was arranged on the roof of the house of the girl and the party was seated on the floor in groups. All serving on the table is done by the close relatives and friends of the bride’s side. The cooks and other personnel are usually kept outside the dining area. [The] [r]eason for this is mutual affection, respect, care, and joy amongst the two families and friends (boy’s and girl’s).

Elders used to say that any type of food and service (from hired help) can be obtained at any place. The feeling of joy and feeding your guests can be there only when the hosts themselves serve their guests. After everyone has been served, no one starts eating until the groom does. The father of the boy receives

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two complete trays of dinner—one for dedication to the
devata¯
s (gods) and the other for the future daughter-in-law. He then puts some cash in the tray and sends it with his blessings to the bride. Money is usually distributed to the cooks or servants of the family, and the boy’s father gives enough cash by way of tip.

The tray is carried by anyone of the bride’s brothers. This ceremony, and the giving of clothes, is a religious testimony of the resolve of the girl’s parents-in-law, that they take full responsibility of her future needs. This religious ceremony is literally a pledge in the presence of the whole community from both sides and the total acceptance of the girl’s healthful living in her new family.

After this ceremony, everyone starts eating. The bride’s relatives and friends eat after the marriage party has finished eating and have gone to the viva¯ha mandapa. The bride’s parents and grandparents, of course, remain on fast throughout the day and do not eat until the next morning or maybe not until the girl has left with the marriage party. This is for very special reasons: i. The Kanya¯ Da¯na ceremony, the most important yagna of their life, has to be performed without having eaten anything on that day.

ii. Lest anyone on either side or any poor person of the community may have gone hungry on that day.

The viva¯ha mandapa

At the mandapa, the priest of the girl’s side and her parents receive the priest of the groom’s side, the groom’s parents, and the groom, in order to perform the ceremony. The groom sits on the right side of the two seats placed on the west side of the Havana Kunda (facing east) with his parents behind him. The priest of the girl’s side sits on the south side facing north, and the boy’s priest sits on the east side facing west. The girl’s parents sit on the north side facing south. In this seating arrangement, the father of the girl is sitting closest to her because he will play an active part in the ceremony. To his left or right sits the mother as his partner in the ceremony. The bride is escorted by her maternal uncle and elder brother to the mandapa. She takes her seat on the left of her future husband. Depending upon their educational upbringing, different schol-ars may have different seating arrangements. The maternal uncle sits just behind the girl. The girl’s sisters and friends usually sit close to the bride and often play little jokes, like hiding the shoes of the groom.

Ganapati, Navagraha and Jala Pu¯jana
Like any other activity or religious ceremony, Ganapati, and Navagraha pu¯jana are an essential part of this yagna. Both priests and parents actively participate in this ceremony so that the following yagna may have the blessing of all grahas and the Ganapati and be completed without any mishap or obstacle. Besides, Jala pu¯jana is another part of this ceremony. This is for two reasons: i. The water is the most important part of life and its sanctity should be observed.

ii. If for any reason any mishap takes place due to the yagna fire, it could be used to save the situation. Pitchers full of water with a coconut on top are kept in the four corners of the mandapa.

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Jala (Water) Presentation to the Groom
The bride presents a small pitcher of water
(lota¯)
to the groom to wash his feet and hands to make him feel relaxed. This is a common custom to be observed in every household when the husband returns home from work in the evening or any guest comes from a distance, and the lady of the house or the eldest member or host presents jala to the guest. For the same reason, Hindus are expected to wash their feet and hands before they enter the temple for worship service or eat in the kitchen.

Na¯ma Parivartana and Yagnopavı¯ta Dha¯rana
If the bride/groom have not had
Yagnopavı¯ta-dha¯rana
[
upana¯yana,
sacred thread ceremony] earlier or are not wearing at this time, Yagnopavı¯ta-dha¯rana should be done at this time. Besides the boy’s parents should give a new name to the girl. This is the name she is known by in the future.