Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (60 page)

Yagnopavı¯ta is worn by those who are known as twice-born, one physical natural birth and the other initiation by the teacher priest for education and learning about Self and God (omnipresent in Self). Before marriage a person wears six-threaded yagnopavı¯ta and three-threaded after the marriage. Both husband and wife are to wear three-threaded, viz., two parts of the six-threaded yagnopavı¯ta. After marriage they both share being jointly responsible for the religious vows. The three threads of the yagnopavı¯ta are an indicator of link of continuity between the past, present and the future. The person takes a vow to learn from the samskr.tika [refined] experiences of the past, live according to those in the present and be a guardian trustee of the same for the future generations. The three threads united by a knot at one spot indicate the unity of heart, mind
(citta)
and spirit (
manas—
soul) residing in the living person, who wears the sacred thread to remind him of his purpose in life on this earth and what has been learnt by him in the past.

Ha¯tha Pı¯ley Karana¯

This samska¯ra is performed by the parents of the bride. Mild paste (liquid form) of turmeric powder is applied on both the palms and forefingers of the bride before Kanya¯ Da¯na and Pa¯ni Grahana Samska¯ra. This is important for the following reasons based on chemistry and medicinal values of turmeric: 1. All activities performed by the bride and with her inspirational strengths by her husband be immune from all infections, in the life of the couple.

2. All actions of the couple may be soothing and healing in their effects on any emotional or physical injuries caused in their family and social environment.

3. Yellow color of the turmeric is affected by its place amongst other natural colors of the rainbow—red and orange on one side and green and blue on the other. Red influences with its aggressive tendencies; orange with the inspiration for sacrifice; green for productivity and growth; and blue for its calmness. Such influences of both families are transmitted to form one yellow in the couple.

4. Couple’s life may be peaceful and harmonious. Incidentally yellow rib-bons are used in the West for similar reasons.

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5. Family life may be prosperous and pleasant to all like the flowers of Sarson (Mustard) in spring season.

Kanya¯ Da¯na and Pa¯ni Grahana
This is the most important part of the whole ceremony. The parents of the bride jointly give the greatest of their well-nurtured daughter to the family of the groom through the matrimonial alliance with the groom. This is considered the greatest da¯na (gift-cum-donation) in one’s life for fulfillment of God’s purpose in every living being. Any couple who does not have a daughter of their own, usually adopts a daughter from some other relative or anyone outside for the performance of this da¯na . The word Kanya¯ also has a great significance.

This indicates that the parents have successfully nurtured their daughter as a virgin and to be loyal physically, emotionally, and spiritually to her spouse and the family. When a couple adopts another girl for this yagna in their life, they bind themselves morally and ethically to fulfill the responsibilities of being her god parents in their lifetime, and their other children do the same.

According to the Hindu beliefs, this yagna bestows upon the girl’s family quite a few responsibilities for seven generations, by way of due courtesy, reverence, and economic and emotional support to the family of their daughter.

In this particular ceremony, dha¯na (unhusked rice) is considered an important part of the ceremony. The parents of the bride fill the hands (coupe) of their daughter with dha¯na and then give the hands of their daughter to the groom. According to Manu’s Dharma Sá¯stra and Hindu beliefs, no religious ceremony can be performed without equal participation by the wife. Ra¯macan-dra got a gold statue of Sı¯ta¯ to participate in the As´vamedha Yagna [Vedic horse sacrifice] because Sı¯ta¯ was not physically available.

Dha¯na is used for very many reasons. Just like the rice inside the dha¯na, their daughter is totally unaffected by outside influences, has never thought of any other person, and will merge herself into the soil of the new family in order to flourish and give prosperity to the family. The parents have taken care of her as
dharohara
(trust) of the new family. Just like the rice plants are sown in one field, grow up like paddy plants, and before the time of their flourishing, are transplanted in a new field, similarly, this girl, born and raised through her tender age of childhood
(brahmacarya)
in one family, is becoming part of the new family where she will grow and flourish and be known in the future as part of her new family.

Both families are responsible for other important factors in this ceremony.

First, the family of the bride is morally obligated to select the most suitable young man and family for their daughter. In so doing, they must give consideration to the health, education, height, weight, and social, emotional, and spiritual temperaments of their daughter, and find a family and a groom that would provide the most conducive environment for the future growth and prosperity of their daughter. Similarity of virtues between the boy and girl is of great consideration on both sides. Maharsi Daya¯nanda Sarasvatı¯ has quoted R´g Veda
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281

for different characteristics in his
Samskara Vidhi
. They are age, family, place of origin, physique, behavioral characteristics, education, intelligence and future aspirations (P. 267–268); and according to
Satya¯rtha Praka¯sá
by Maharsi [Dayananda] (P. 53–55) other considerations are chastity of boy/girl, unrelated to each other for six generations, and whether either family lacks good actions in life, people of good character, religious minded persons or characteristically have very long hair on the body (except head). [Those who suffer] from hem-orrhoids or tuberculosis or emphysema, chronic cough or asthma or stomach problems or epilepsy and leprosy [should not be selected]. Besides, the girl should be of smaller physique in height and body build than the boy. The girl should also not be a blabbermouth type or with eyes like a cat. Suggested differential of age of the boy over the girl is sixteen to twenty-four years in
Satya¯rtha Praka¯sá.

In modern times, some of these considerations of medical history or age difference may be difficult to follow. Thus, today an age-gap of two to five years is considered reasonable. Similarly, there could be an educational gap up to five classes. For instance, if a boy is a post-graduate and the girl he chooses to marry has completed eleven or twelve years of her education, it is considered all right. In the same way, one should do what is feasible in today’s context in respect of checking of medical history and similarity between the professional-social-economic backgrounds of the boy’s and girl’s families. If for any reasons, these considerations or overlooked, the giving of a daughter to an undesirable family is considered “Kanya¯ haran” that is, the killing of the girl, the greatest sin a person could commit.

In the same ceremony,
jala
[sacred water] is poured by the parents of the bride, through the hands of their daughter into the hands of the groom, indicating the merging of Jamuna¯ into Gan.ga¯, to become a bigger Gan.ga¯, and that the parents will be supportive of the new family and be a hidden part of the growth of the new family, just as water loses its own form and shape to provide nurturance to the living beings and flows through the arteries without creating new arteries or pathways. Lack of due diligence or intentional overlooking of the truths of the situation, can result in the destruction of the new family within three generations.
Maha¯bha¯rata
is an evidence of this. Satyavatı¯’s children could not continue their progeny, and the family of Sá¯ntanu vanished from this earth with the death of Bhı¯s.ma.

The family of the groom and the groom are similarly under great obligation and moral and religious responsibility to give similar consideration to all the factors in accepting a kanya¯ in da¯na. They should not be so carried away by greed or other ulterior motives or any consideration whatsoever providing [a]

suitable environment to the girl for her entire life. If they knowingly do something undesirable, they cannot expect their family to flourish by making the new member part of their family. A person who accepts any kind of help, da¯na, to the best of his knowledge, ability, and judgment should be deserving of it.

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The bride’s parents, at this time, give jewellery, gifts, and a cow through their daughter to the new family. They give according to the best of their socio-economic ability and their personal desires. The groom’s parents, on the other hand, should not accept these gifts with any feelings or judgments according to their own expectations. They should accept whatever is given with utmost regard for and gratitude to the family of the girl and with thanksgiving to God.

If, according to their feelings or considerations, they feel that the bride’s parents could have done better or should have done better, that feeling should be set aside in thoughts and actions. They should never do anything that puts the girl’s parents to any test or hardship. Da¯na has to be at the goodwill of the donor and not according to the wishes of the donee.

After Kanya¯ da¯na, the responsibility of the girl’s parents is over. The maternal uncle of the girl, paternal uncles and brothers take over the responsibility of active participation in the rest of the ceremonies that follow Kanya¯ Da¯na.

According to R´g Veda, book X, section 85 describing Su¯rya¯ Viva¯ha, Panikkar,
The Vedic Experience,
pp. 256–257, interprets as follows: I take your hand in mine for happiness,

that you may reach old age with me as husband.

Bhaga, Savitar, Aryaman, Purandhi,

have given you to be my household’s mistress. [10.85.36]

Dwell in this home; never be parted!

Enjoy the full duration of your days,

with sons and grandsons playing to the end,

rejoicing in your home to your heart’s content. [10.85.42]

To you they bring, first, in bridal procession this Su¯rya¯, guiding her steps in circles.

Return her now, O Agni, to her husband

as rightful wife, and grant to her children. [10.85.38]

Agni has now returned the bride

endowed with splendors and length of life.

May she live a lengthy span of days

and may her husband live a hundred autumns! [10.85.39]

May Pra¯ja¯pati grant to us an issue,

Aryaman keep us till death in holy marriage!

Free from ill omens, enter the home of your husband Bring blessings to both humans and cattle. [10.85.43]

Bless now this bride, O bounteous Lord,

cheering her heart with the gift of brave sons.

Grant her ten sons; her husband make the eleventh. [10.85.45]

May all the divine Powers together with the Waters join our two hearts in one! May the Messenger, the Creator, and Holy Obedience unite us! [10.85.47]

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283

Man
.
gala Phera¯

This ceremony consists of going around the fire. Havana Agni, four, five, or seven times. This varies according to local customs and the educational background of the priest who performs the ceremony. Four times around the fire is considered a minimum. Both the groom and the bride express the feelings that they are taking all the vows with [a] pure heart and soul participating in all parts of the ceremony with complete understanding of the meanings, responsibilities, and self-dedication for the rest of their lives. Yagna Agni is the witness to the whole ceremony. Going around the Agni four times is a reminder of the four stages of life—as taught and initiated by Manu of the Sana¯tana Sama¯ja of India. These four stages are Brahmacarya (Celibate student life), Gr.hastha (Married life), Va¯napras.t.ha (Learning, self-study and preparation for Samnya¯sa), and Samnya¯sa (Renounced for service to mankind and worship of God).

According to Manohar and Kamala¯ Rathi, in Ra¯ja¯sthan, seven mangala phera¯s are performed. First three phera¯s are on behalf of the maternal grandparents— specifically performed with the assistance and dedication by the maternal uncle of the girl. By doing so he vouches for the family and the virtues of the girl.

With the first circle around the fire, the bride and groom both convey that they have completed their first stage of life (from birth through the date of marriage—it used to be twenty-five years) with total celibacy, dedication to Sarasvatı¯, goddess of learning, having learned whatever they could to the best of their potentials and capabilities, and are now grown up to step into the second, third, and fourth stages of human life. Each of these stages was expected to last twenty-five years. This is why Vedika mantras say, one hundred years of life to continue the trust and responsibilities bestowed upon them by God, society, teachers, and their parents and repay the three debts (mas), Deva (God’s) Rńa, Rśi (Teacher’s) Rńa, and Pitr. (Parent’s) Rńa.

In the first three mangala phera¯s, the girl leads the boy which signifies that women are more mature and grown up emotionally and physically, are capable of making greater sacrifices, and have put in more efforts to learn the responsibilities of the future family life, adjust to the new family (not just with the groom), to keep harmony among all, to bear and raise children, and to learn the family traditions including the following: internal management within the means of the family’s earning ability, interpersonal relationships, and hosting the friends and guests. She also must learn the subtle ways of introducing mod-ifications and improvements, if they are proven desirable and the new family is willing to accept them. In the family life she must keep the balance and harmony between the different temperaments of the members of the family.

The groom, on the other hand, has had little or lesser need to learn as much about the family environment because most of his responsibilities relate to being the major breadwinner and being in-charge of the external affairs. At home, the responsibilities are shared by other female members. The mother-in-law plays an important role in the education of the new family member.