Shades of Blue (32 page)

Before Laura knew what was happening, Donny sat in the booth beside her. “If … there is a load … That you can’t carry …” he put his arm around Laura, playing to the crowd and hamming up the moment. But in his eyes he seemed to be singing the song to her alone, “I’ll share your load … If you just call me.”

Laura laughed along with the crowd, which clearly assumed he’d chosen her at random for the impromptu moment. But the feeling was more unsettling than she wanted to admit. She was engaged, after all. She had no right flirting with a stranger at a diner in Times Square. No matter what Brad was doing right now. Donny ended the song by passing the microphone from himself to her. “Call me …” he’d sing, and then it would be her turn. “Call me …” Back to him, “You just call me …” And so on until the song was finished. He leaned in close. “You look like Reese Witherspoon, anyone ever tell you that?”

“Once in a while.” Laura’s heart beat faster than before. She didn’t want to lead him on. The diversion was fun, but a part of her felt like she was betraying Brad.

“I’ll be back later.” For a second it seemed like he might kiss her cheek, but instead he winked at her, stood, and returned to his work waiting tables. Throughout the night when it was his turn to sing, he found a way to stop by her table. Laura did her best not to encourage him. Bella Joy didn’t say a word, but several times she raised a single eyebrow in Laura’s direction. “He likes you,” she mouthed once.

“Just what I need.” Laura made a face, trying to keep things light. They both laughed, but Laura felt sick to her stomach. What was she doing here? She should be home, praying for Brad. They ordered milk shakes and stayed until the restaurant closed at midnight. By then the place had emptied quite a bit, and Donny had been by the table as often as Adam. When Adam brought the check, he grinned at Laura. “Donny’s my buddy. He thought maybe the four of us could hang out later.”

A sudden wave of panic seized Laura. She couldn’t do this. No matter what was happening with Brad, she couldn’t waltz into the Stardust Diner and let herself be swept off her feet by some singing waiter. No matter how cute or kind he was. She shook her head. “I can’t.” She shot a look at Bella Joy. “We have to get back.”

Adam hesitated, but then he smiled and shrugged. “Okay.” He lightly touched Bella Joy’s shoulder. “We’re still on for church tomorrow?”

“Definitely.” Bella Joy seemed anxious to steer the attention away from Laura. “I’ll be there early.”

Laura was grateful for her friend’s sense of perception. It was time to leave. She said a quick good-bye to the guys, and once they were in the car, she slumped against the backseat. “I feel terrible.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Bella Joy seemed calm, happy with how the night had played out. “You wanted a diversion, and that’s what it was. Nothing more.” She talked about Adam most of the way home, but after they were back at Laura’s house, Bella Joy hugged her. “I’ve met Donny before. He didn’t mean anything.”

“It just made me miss Brad.” Laura couldn’t explain how she felt. She wanted to be alone. “No big deal.” Laura smiled. “Thanks for everything.”

“Okay.” Bella Joy hesitated. “Just because I didn’t bring up Brad today doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about him. I haven’t stopped praying for both of you.”

Again Laura reminded herself how fortunate she was to have friends like Bella Joy and the others. Laura wished Bella Joy well with Adam the next day and then watched her drive off. But before she turned in for the night she sat in a chair at the end of her parents’ covered porch. The stars were out, and she wondered if they were out in North Carolina too.

Suddenly she was almost certain she hadn’t spent the day the way she should have. She hadn’t done anything wrong, true. But what had she done to help? Her fiancé was in the midst of a crisis. There was no other way to describe it. He hadn’t called not because he didn’t love her, but because he must’ve been an emotional wreck. Memories of what Laura had read on the Post Abortion Syndrome website came back to her. She wasn’t the only victim in the situation. Brad was hurting, and it was time she stopped taking that truth like a personal attack. However this all ended, Brad never meant to hurt her.

Like she needed her next breath, Laura needed her Bible. She crept inside, found it in her parents’ office, and returned to the porch. She used the light from her cell phone to read the words as she turned to Luke,
chapter 6
. She and her friends had read about loving their enemy and refusing to judge. They’d read about getting the plank out of their own eye so they could see clearly to help their brother with the speck in his. But what about the last part of the chapter?

Laura flipped through the pages until she found the section she was looking for. Quietly and with a growing sense of alarm, she began to read.
Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged.
Laura closed her eyes, and beneath her the ground no longer felt steady. She felt sick over her initial reaction to Brad’s admission. She hadn’t been merciful at all. She’d been critical and judgmental. As if she could never be capable of falling prey to sin or disappointing someone she loved.

But again, that wasn’t the section of Scripture that was calling to her. She pressed on to the end of the chapter, to verse 46.
Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?
The words felt reverent, like God Himself was standing here speaking to her. She had studied this section of the Bible for weeks with her friends.
Love when it’s difficult to love … don’t judge others …be merciful.
But never until now had it occurred to her that she hadn’t put these words into practice.

I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete
.

What else was marriage if not two people laying a foundation for a life together? If she let Brad forever more take the blame for the heartache of this weekend, then she would walk around the rest of her life with a log jutting from her eye. Haughty and self-righteous. And in that way she would be the worst of all sinners. Because the thing God hated the most was the very pride that had marked Laura’s recent feelings toward Brad.
How dare he be less than a virgin … how terrible that he hadn’t talked about his past sooner … how wrong of him to have an abortion with his ex-girlfriend.
Proud and arrogant, grain by grain she was laying a foundation for the two of them on nothing but shifting sand. Even the slightest storm of life was bound to tear them apart if she forced him to be the bad guy, if she made him feel lucky because she took him back. How could Brad lead her into the future if she made him feel somehow lesser because he had made mistakes? As if she were somehow perfect.

Suddenly a picture filled her mind, something she needed to do when Brad returned. If he returned. Laura read the words at the end of Luke once more, and this time she didn’t feel sorry for herself at all. Rather, she imagined Emma, a young woman who hadn’t only lost her purity, but who had experienced an abortion, the loss of a child without so much as an apology from the guy she loved. The bigger picture was this: There was no shortage of victims in the situation. Laura looked up to the stars.
Dear God … I tried to run away from the pain today, but it didn’t go anywhere. It’s still here waiting for me.
She thought about Donny, the singing waiter. She had no right flirting tonight, not even a little.
I would’ve been better off here, talking to You
.

Pray without ceasing, Daughter. Pray for your beloved.

Yes, that’s what she would do. She would pray that Brad would come home, and that he would forgive her pride and arrogance. And she would plan to bring to life the picture God had given her. More than that, she would pray for Emma to forgive, and for Brad to be strong. Strong enough to make things right with her, and strong enough together with his first love to grieve the loss of their child. Strong enough with God’s help to put the matter behind them. By praying this way, Laura would build the beginning of a firm foundation for Brad and herself. Of course, she would pray for one more thing — pray for it as if her life depended on the outcome.

That after spending a weekend with Emma, Brad would be strong enough to come home again.

Twenty-Five

B
RAD WAS UP AT SUNRISE, AND
by seven o’clock Sunday morning he parked his Jeep along Ocean Boulevard at the end of Dolphin Street. He climbed out and walked onto the sand. All signs of yesterday’s storm were gone, and the sun sparkled off the water. It was too early for the holiday weekend crowd, and other than a few metal detector junkies and a couple lone joggers, he was alone. Which was what he wanted. He needed to think, and he couldn’t imagine a better place.

The reality had kept him awake, haunting him through the night. He and Emma had been parents to a baby girl, and their decision had cost their daughter her life. Their little girl … the child that would never be. If he had that day to do over again, he never would have driven Emma anywhere near the clinic. They might’ve kept the baby or they might’ve given her up for adoption. But she would be alive.

He carried the burden of their decision like a blanket of lead around his shoulders. Without really knowing where he was going, he crossed the beach, walked up the stairs to the pier, and slowly headed to the far end. He leaned against the wooden railing for a long time, staring at the water, remembering. What sort of person had he been back then, taking her to the clinic and then never asking her what went on?

The truth about his actions made him feel sick to his stomach, and again he was convinced there was only one way to move forward. He checked his cell phone. It was seven thirty already. He’d looked up churches in the area earlier that morning at his parents’ house, and he’d found a nine o’clock Service at Holden Beach Community Church — a small congregation a few blocks from Emma’s house.

He didn’t want to wake her, but he needed to give her enough time to get ready. If she was even willing to go with him. He dialed her number, and she picked up on the third ring. “Hello?” Her voice sounded groggy.

“Hi. It’s me.” He pressed the phone to his ear so he could hear above the sound of the wind and waves. “How are you?”

A long silence followed before she answered him. “You left.”

“You needed to sleep.”

“Yes.” She sounded more awake now. “Where are you?”

“On the pier. I was up early so I took a walk.”

More silence. “So … what do we do now?”

He was glad he wasn’t with her in person. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms again and protect her from another hour of pain. But that sort of protection couldn’t come from him. He understood that now. “I was hoping … you might go to church with me. There’s one close to your house. Service is at nine o’clock.”

“Church?” Her tone sounded weary at the idea. “Really, Brad? That’s what you want to do today?”

He understood her cynicism, but he had to press on. Had to find a way to make her understand where he was coming from. “Emma … I came here to apologize. I wanted to find closure and healing for both of us.” His voice was thick, remembering her story from yesterday. “It’s just … I’ve been thinking about it and … I don’t think it’s possible without finding peace with God first.”

He half expected her to laugh at him, tell him she didn’t want anything more to do with him. Or maybe she would hang up without another word. But instead he heard her sigh — a long, drawn-out, sad-sounding sigh. “Fine.” She had her guard up again. He could hear it in her voice. “Meet me here at eight thirty.”

He felt his heart grow light with gratitude. God had done this. There was no other explanation. “I’ll be there.”

Most of the next hour he spent talking to God.
Lead us, Father … show me how to make amends with her and with You. I’ve failed so completely, Lord. Please lead me now.

When it was time, he walked slowly back to his Jeep and drove up to Emma’s house. Along the way he thought about Laura. He wanted to call her, assure her that he was working through the situation with Emma as quickly and completely as he could. But the timing felt wrong. He was in Emma’s world now. He needed to tend to the matter at hand before he could look ahead to Laura. Still, he prayed for her too. That she would have the grace to understand. He never meant to hurt her with any of this. That was just it. He was tired of causing pain. That’s why he was here.

He knocked on Emma’s door, and he remembered hundreds of times when he’d done this very thing at her mother’s house — times when he’d ridden his bike to her front door and times when he’d driven to see her after he bought his ’65 Mustang the year he turned seventeen. Her red Cabriolet was parked in the driveway, so it was easy to feel lost in an old scene.

She answered the door, sunglasses firmly in place. She wore a short-sleeve sundress, one that flowed down around her knees but was completely modest. The way her long hair hung around her shoulders, Brad had to force himself to remember the reason he was there. He gave her a quick hug. “Thank you.”

“I’m not sure why I’m going.” She gave him a weary smile.

“Maybe we’ll know afterward.”

They said little as they rode in his Jeep to the church a few blocks away.

The place was made of red brick, small but friendly looking with large trees framing the grounds. Already people were milling about, children chasing each other and parents standing in small clusters of conversation.

“I can’t do this.” Emma held tight to the door handle. She removed her sunglasses and pleaded with Brad. “I don’t belong here.”