Shades of Blue (35 page)

His answer didn’t come quickly. “Really, Emma?” He turned, his eyes finding hers. “Now?”

“Yes.” She wasn’t ready before. Seeing Brad again, being near him, she had only wanted to remember the two of them the way they’d been before that summer. But now … now she was different. If they were going to say good-bye, she wanted him to have her blessing about his future. “Please, Brad. Tell me.”

His eyes changed, and Emma could read them as easily as she had when she was a kid. Whoever she was, however they’d met … Brad loved her. He couldn’t hide the fact if he wanted to. “Her name’s Laura. Laura James.” Brad looked away, turned his eyes back toward the ocean. “I work for her father. Her dad owns the ad firm in Manhattan. Where I work.” He paused. “We met at a company picnic at her parents’ house and we’ve dated ever since.”

Emma allowed herself to feel the hint of jealousy. It was strange, hearing Brad talk about this other woman, and how he’d dated her for so many years. Until today Emma had been stuck back on the day Brad Cutler walked out of her life. Sure, she’d gotten her education and a job, moved into the house and picked up a few animals along the way. But she never dared let her heart move on. It was her way of punishing herself for what she’d done.

Not so for Brad. He had run from his pain, away from Emma and toward this other love, this Laura James. “She didn’t know about us?”

“She didn’t know about … about the baby. The abortion.”

Emma hesitated, her back straighter than before.
Can I do this, God … can I get through this?

I am with you, Daughter. I will never leave you.

The answer came like spring rain, watering her parched soul and assuring her of the change inside her. Yes, she could do this. With God’s help she could hear the truth about Brad’s life, about his fiancée. It was Sunday evening and his flight was set for the morning. There would be no other time for this conversation. “You told her?”

“I did.” Brad sounded tired, as if he didn’t want to go into great detail about this. “I told her father too.”

Emma tried to imagine the shock Laura and her family must be feeling. Her wedding to Brad was supposed to happen in a month, but here he was at Holden Beach, lost in a moment with his first love. She didn’t want to ask, but she was more ready for his answer now than she’d been on Friday. “You want to marry her, right? You still want that?”

Brad looked deep into her eyes, and the truth was plain without him saying a word. “I’ve wondered about that a lot this weekend.”

“But you do.” The wind blew at her hair, and she tucked a stray strand behind her ear so she could see him in the fading sunlight. “Right?”

He brought his fingers to her cheek, touching her with a gentleness that could never be mistaken for anything but fond feelings from the past. “Yes, Emma. I still want that.”

Her eyes welled up, but she smiled and nodded. She had known this. All along she had known it. She thought back to how she felt when she first saw him, standing there in the parking lot of her school, and how she’d taken the blow when he told her he was engaged. But today, even while God was healing her soul, she had known they were going to say good-bye. That this was not a new beginning for the two of them together, but for the two of them separately.

In the separate lives they would lead from this point on.

Emma stared out to sea. Then slowly she removed the section of rope from her beach bag and held it close to her heart. “You and I … we used to be the same, Brad. Our love was more brilliant than all the colors of summer combined.”

“It was.” Brad reached out and almost absently he took hold of the rope.

“But after … after what we did, after you left, I came here to the beach and I sat by the cross.” She smiled, ignoring the tears that welled up in her eyes again. “I looked out at our beach and I realized what had happened. We weren’t the same anymore. You were sky and I was sea, and we’d never ever be the same again. Never find our way back no matter what. Never again that same brilliant color.”

“No.” He listened, clearly caring for her, loving her. Not in the way she had known before, and not in the way she had hoped he might love her at the end of this weekend. A different love, but love all the same.

She savored the feel of his eyes on hers. “Shades of blue, you and I now. Nothing more.”

He angled his head, searching her eyes, almost as if he were memorizing her. “Shades of blue. That’s where we’ll always be.” He looked out at the ocean again. “Here in the shades of blue.”

She didn’t want to cry anymore. It was getting late. They needed to get back and say their good-byes. She took the rope and turned it over in her hands. “I’m leaving it here, our rope. It doesn’t belong to me anymore. To you, either.”

With little effort, she eased it from his hand. She rose up onto her knees again and she turned. Then very carefully, she looped the rope around the base of the cross. “It belongs here. With the memory of Amanda.” She stood, staring down at the cross. Time could take it from this place. A strong storm or hurricane winds. A couple of kids passing by and glad for the discovery of an old bit of rope and a wooden cross.

Even so Emma had no reservations about leaving either of them. The memory of what she shared with Brad, the memory of Amanda’s brief life wasn’t anchored here in a piece of wood and a length of rope. The memory was in her heart, where it would always be.

She dusted the sand off her shorts and held out her hand, helping Brad to his feet. He stood beside her, their shoulders touching, and he stared one last time at the cross, at the rope. “I’m not sure …” he looked up, his eyes full of the richness and depth they’d shared here this afternoon. “I don’t know if I’ll be back.”

“I know.” His words hurt, but not nearly like they would’ve on Friday. Now, in light of all he was going home to, they were the right words. The way he should feel. She crossed her arms in front of her and nodded once more. She hoped her smile felt reassuring to him. “I was just thinking that.” She looked down again. “And how we don’t need anything to help us remember.”

“No.” He put his arm around her shoulders. “Not after today.”

He lowered his arm and linked hands with her, their fingers intertwined like before. Emma tried to memorize the way it felt, the wonderful sensation of being with Brad this way. Not because she wanted another chance with him, but because this good-bye was so much better than the last one. So much more complete. They turned without looking back and walked slowly, silently along the beach. Their beach. The setting sun cast orange and yellow streaks across the blue, as if God Himself were drawing the curtain on yesterday. It had all come to a close — their guilt and sin and shame. Their time together this weekend.

Everything about the two of them. Finally and fully over.

Too quickly they reached Emma’s driveway. They stood by his Jeep and faced the ocean a final time. Brad still had hold of her hand. “I came here to tell you I was sorry. To make things right with you.” He faced her and took her other hand as well. “But God had much bigger plans.”

“He did.” She smiled at the freedom in her heart and soul. “I found the chance to tell you what really happened … to tell you about our daughter.” She sniffed. “And I found a church.” She felt herself smile. “I think I’m about to find a friendship with Pastor Dave’s wife. And together we found forgiveness.” Her smile faded and she stepped closer to him. For a long moment she let her forehead fall softly against his chest. When she looked up, she wondered if she could really do this … tell Brad Cutler goodbye for all time. She swallowed against the pain that was sure to come. “I found something else too.”

“What’s that?” He linked his arms around her waist, holding her the way he might hold a sister or a close friend. Nothing more. “What did you find, Emma?”

“I found the old you,” she touched the place above his heart. “The one I knew was still there somewhere.”

“Promise me something.” He touched his hand to the side of her face. The sun had finished setting, and dusk was falling around them.

“Anything.” Emma let herself be lost in his eyes this final time.

“I want you to love again. You didn’t tell me … if there’s anyone in your life.”

“There isn’t.” Gavin Greeley’s handsome face filled her mind, and her cheeks felt suddenly hot. “Nothing I’ve allowed, anyway.”

“Allow it, Em. You have to. God’s forgiveness means you have permission to live your life.”

She thought about that, and for the first time ever, the idea appealed to her. Which could only mean that God truly had worked a miracle in her heart. His forgiveness was complete, indeed. “We’ll see.” She tilted her head, not willing to get into details about Gavin here and now. This moment belonged to Brad and her and God. The three of them alone. “Can I pray for you, before you leave?”

Brad looked mildly surprised, but instantly his expression filled with gratitude. “Please.” He held her close, their heads bowed together, cheeks brushing against each other.

“Dear God … I’ve run from You all these years, but now … now I’m ready to live the rest of my life with You. I’ll celebrate life from this point on. Mine and any other life You let me be a part of.” Their good-bye was moments away, and the reality was suddenly sobering. “I pray for my friend, Brad. He’s heading home to a wonderful girl, a girl he loves very much.” Her eyes stung at the thought, but she didn’t cry. “Please be with Laura and help her forgive Brad. Help her understand in a way that draws them closer.” She paused. “In Jesus’ name, amen.”

Their eyes met again, and Emma felt the miracle still playing out in her heart. Had she really just prayed for Brad’s fiancée? That she would forgive him and understand what this weekend was about? She breathed in deep and took a step back. “Thank you, Brad. For coming here. For risking everything so we could have this time.”

“I told you Friday. I needed to finish this chapter.”

“And you did.” She smiled at him, hiding the ache already spreading through her heart.

“Yes.” He looked intently into her eyes. “Because of you, because you were willing to find forgiveness with me.”

She nodded, wanting to draw out the moment. But it was already over. It was time to admit as much and move on. “You better go.” She pictured him standing at the front of a beautiful church, dressed in a dark tux, waiting for Laura James to walk up the aisle. “Go to her, Brad. Go make things right with her.”

He nodded, but he didn’t look like he wanted to talk about Laura. Again he brushed the side of her face with his fingers. “Thank you. For telling me about Amanda. For taking me to the cross.”

A sound that was part cry, part laugh sounded on her lips. “That was God’s doing. He took us both to the cross.”

“He did.” Brad narrowed his eyes, looking all the way back into the long-ago parts of her heart. Emma had the feeling he was seeing her as she’d been in third grade and in middle school, the way she’d looked her first day at Wilmington High, and the innocence in her face when he handed her back her yearbook in May, 1999. “I’ll miss you.”

“You, too.” She wanted to run into the house before she started crying again. He deserved a happy send-off, one that assured him she understood about his wedding and his Laura. But all she could see as she looked at him was the boy he’d been, the one she’d planned on loving forever. “Brad …” his name came out as a cry, and in a rush she clung to him. For a long time she stayed that way because she didn’t want him to see her tears, and because this was her last chance, the last time she’d ever hold him. Finally she tore herself away and took a step back. “Go. Please, Brad. I can’t do this.”

Only then could she see how very much he still cared, how much he would always care. Because he was crying too. He came to her and hugged her again. “If you’re ever in New York, you can always — ”

“No.” She spoke the word against his chest as she moved away again. Her smile came from the depths of her soul, because this was how she wanted him to remember her. “I won’t look you up, Brad. You go live your life, and I’ll live mine.”

He hesitated, and in all the world there was only the two of them. He reached for her hand once more. “I won’t forget our Amanda.”

She felt the sobs strangling her heart, but she held them off. “Thank you. She deserves that.”

He looked deep into her eyes for a moment she would remember always. Then he tenderly touched her cheek, searching her soul. “I love you. I always will.”

“I love you too.” She held tight to his fingers, and then she let go and backed up toward her house. She raised her hand in his direction. Her aching heart wouldn’t let her speak, so she mouthed one last word. “Bye.”

He did the same, and then with a final look he was gone. As he drove away, she wondered if she might die there on her sandy front lawn. The pain of losing him this time was that great. But instead she forced herself to hold onto the good, the miracle of their time together.

They had found forgiveness and peace and even love. But not the sort of love they’d known before. Even with God’s healing, there was no way to undo the consequences of their actions that November day. No way to love the way they’d loved before. Brad would go home to Laura, and if she would forgive him, in four weeks they would be married. And she would find her way too. A new life that hadn’t seemed possible before this weekend.

Even so, she would never forget him. She would see him when she ran past the white wooden cross, and she’d remember him when she looked through her cardboard box. She would see the wide-eyed boy in the lines of what he’d written in her yearbook, and on occasion when she stopped in the middle of a run on the beach, she would feel his hand at the other end of the rope. And she would see him when she looked at the place where the sea met the sky. Where she would always see him.

In the shades of blue.

Twenty-Eight

B
RAD WASN’T SURE HOW FAR HE
drove before his tears stopped falling. With all they’d found together these past few days, he had to allow for the possibility — that he might’ve fallen in love with Emma Landon again. But that wasn’t the type of love he felt for her, not even after all they shared this afternoon.