Shadowborn (14 page)

I turned, exited the cabin and strode along the beach toward the portal on the other side. I quickened my steps when someone pounded up behind me. A hand on my arm stopped my stride and jerked me around.

Liam’s Light flooded through me, bewildering me for a moment before I answered with my own, though the knee-jerk action ripped the lid off my well of darkness. Nix sprinted toward us. Dizziness stole away my consciousness.

When I opened my eyes, shadows flared around us. The waves of the sea had become white and grey blobs. Sounds came to me as distant and tinny, distorted somehow. The edges of our bodies blurred out of focus before sharpening again.

“Where are we?” I asked, my voice a little too breathy for my liking.

“The Place Between,” Liam said. “Now we’re going to talk about this without anyone interfering and without you running away.” The Goddess had granted Liam the Seelie gift as a keeper of the place between sleep and awake, between living and dying, so he could breech a witch’s ward.

I angled my body away, afraid of getting taken in by his seductive charm. “Get on with it. I have things to do.”

He wrapped his arms around me from behind. “Don’t struggle. I’ve suppressed your energy until I’m done talking, so let my Light calm you.”

He might have been able to steal my power for a time, but it only made my anger burn hotter. “Get. Off. Me.” I wriggled in his grasp, but my power wouldn’t respond. His fire raged through me at a slow burn, relaxing my muscles and tensing everything below my belly button.

“Please, don’t shut me out. The hopelessness I see in your eyes tears my heart out. I’m sorry I’m hurting you with this whole Court business, but neither of us can abandon our people. I want to be there to help you reunite the Courts, and this is what I have to do to stay in power. I know we can do this. I believe in you. In us.”

My heart gave a wild thump against my ribs. I shook off the strange swelling in my chest. “That makes one of us.”

He held me tighter as if afraid whatever he was about to say would set me off. “Have a child with me.”

“Are you nuts?” I thrashed again, but his hold didn’t relent.

“You don’t have to say who the father is, just like your mother didn’t. Nobody has to know.”

“How would that help you?” I snarled. “I will not bring a child into this world, Liam. And I won’t hurt Nix that way. He has been my foundation while this world crumbles around me.”

“I see the way you look at him now.” Sadness lowered Liam’s voice.

“He’s the captain of my guard, that’s all. Not that I have to explain myself to you.”

“You’re lying to yourself. I can’t bear the thought of you with him.” He spun me and covered my mouth with his, stalling my protest. His scent, the softness of his lips chased all thought from my mind. Strong fingertips kneaded my back, and one of his hands slid up to grasp the nape of my neck. I lost myself in his touch, in the deep blue of his eyes with their pulsing yellow swirls. He released me, but lingered close, his lips brushing mine. “Nix would accept this if it kept you safe. He knows you love me, that you want me. I think he cares for you enough to want your happiness.”

“Stop it.” My eyes stung. I willed away the tears. Scenarios played out in my imagination, carrying a small piece of Liam within my womb. My heart throbbed with the fantasy. “How do you know we could even conceive a child? It’s not like we used protection when we were together.”

“I’ve never had you while you’re in estrus.”

I stepped away, raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean, estrus?”

He tugged at his collar, a slight pink tinge coloring his cheeks. “I was very careful not to be with you when you were in … heat.”

“Like a fucking cat?” I rubbed my temples against the headache drumming a tune on my skull. “And how do you know when that is?”

“It’s when you’re most desirable fae. Your skin flushes, and you give off a scent that acts as an aphrodisiac. We’re all hyper-aware of you when it happens. If you pressed the issue during that time, none could resist you. Few fae females are capable of reaching estrus.”

That would explain why every few months I ended up with Neve as my guard instead of Nix.

“Well … why did you stay away from me?”
Goddess, really?
I silently cursed at myself for wanting to know.

Hope added a shine to his already mesmerizing eyes. “I didn’t want to complicate our lives any further, but this can help you keep the challengers away. And the thought of making a child with you … I want that connection with you, more than I can explain right now and not sound like a total sap and scare you away.”

I stared at him for a long time, entertaining the fantasy until logic stepped in with the facts. “Let me get this straight. I raise my child alone while you shack up with your queen and raise yours with her, sleep in her bed every night? Not bloody likely.” I snorted at the absurdity of it. “Now take me back.”

“You still think like a human.” He pressed a fist against his forehead as if his head ached, too. I often had that effect on people. “Once I put her with child, she’ll have a place of her own. I don’t want a life with her, not the way you’re thinking, and she doesn’t want one with me. We will be paired in name only, and she will raise my heir. Beyond that, she is nothing to me. It’s the only way I can stay in power long enough to help you fulfill the prophecy.”

His words didn’t penetrate my anger, only floated on top and put a suffocating blanket over me. “What if the ancestors bond you to her?”

“No.” The word shot out like a needle. “I forbid it.” Only the Unseelie ancestors practiced that sort of mating, unnatural, not quite as strong, but nonetheless eternally binding.

“When it happened between you and me, we didn’t have a choice, and we didn’t much care, did we? And it doesn’t matter. I won’t do it. Just let me go, Liam. I can’t take this waiting around for you. It’s too hard.”

“Nothing worth doing is ever easy. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that? Is it that easy for you to walk away from me?”

I tilted my face forward, unable to speak the lie that would make him go away, or the truth that would make him stay. I wanted him, all of him, forever, but all to myself. Although it might have been selfish, I couldn’t help it—and wouldn’t.

“Then I guess you don’t love me the same way I love you,” he said in a sad tone. “I’d suggest you have a child with Nix, but I think we both know how he’ll react once he knows who your father is. I know and love all of you, and I always will. Nothing will ever change that.”

Warm air blasted by me. I reappeared on the beach, blinking against the sunlight. The flapping of wings drew my eyes up. Liam flew off, his owl wings like white blades against the jewel-blue sky.

“Are you all right?” Nix’s voice startled me.

“Fine. I want to train for a while before I have to go to the Freymoor tonight.” I strode toward the portal, Liam’s words echoing in my ears,
I think we both know how Nix will react.
I couldn’t believe it.
Nix wouldn’t reject me, not after everything we’d been through together. I’d been wrong to doubt him. He’d understand if my mother loved Donovan, a union blessed by the Goddess herself. Wouldn’t he?

“What did Liam want?” Donovan fell into step beside me and took my hand.

I swallowed the bile from my throat. “He doesn’t want it to be over.”

“Over?” He halted and gathered me into his embrace. “Why does it have to be?”

“Because it does.” I pushed away and kicked the sand, sending a cloud of it into the air. I ran with Liam’s words chewing at my head. How dare he suggest having a child together? I could barely keep myself alive—forget a baby. Still, imagining a piece of him inside me transcended my stubbornness and fears and sent a small twinkle of something through me. Something I had no name for. A good, warm, tingly something.

He’s lost to me. Forget him.

12

Nix lay in a panting heap on the floor of the Seelie castle training room. Blood trickled in crimson strings from his lips.

“Holy hell, Li. Where did that come from?” Moaning, he clutched his ribs, propping a hand on his leg to push himself up straight. “I’ve never seen you move like that.”

I downed a half bottle of water. Sweat soaked my black shorts and white tank top. My hair lay matted against my head. I vaguely registered two broken fingers, but the dull ache didn’t make it past my absolute concentration. A good yank on the digits set them back into place so they wouldn’t heal crooked.

“That look in your eye scares me,” he said. “It’s as though nobody’s home, just a shell filled with pent-up rage looking for someone to explode on.”

“Then don’t look at me.” I snatched a towel from the floor by the door and went into the hallway.

“You know that’s not what I meant.” Nix followed me out, grunting every few steps.

“I need a shower. I have to leave for Freymoor in a couple of hours.”

Nix uttered a frustrated growl. “He’s fucking poison, Li. Every time he comes near you, you shut yourself away even deeper than you were before. Probably gets off on torturing you.”

“Shut it!”

“What did he say to you, anyway?”

“It’s none of your business.”

Silence stretched an uncomfortable band between us.

“You asked me to tell you if I saw you heading down a dark path.” Nix stopped in the stone hallway while I continued. “You’re toeing the line right now. I saw the part of you that scares you—the one that enjoys hurting me. If you shut me and everyone else out because you’re afraid we’ll hurt you, or that you’ll kill us, then you’re already dead.”

I halted.
Damn
. “I’m not good around others. You know that. I survived for years in the woods by myself. It’s all I know.”

“You survived, but did you live?”

“What’s the difference?” I continued toward my room.

He followed me in and shut the door. I didn’t stop until I made it into the bathroom. I slammed the door in his face, but he exploded it into a pile of splinters with his
cumhacht
.

“Get out.” I jammed my finger toward the gaping hole where the door had been.

“I know you love him, but you love me, too.”

“No, I don’t.” I pressed my fist into his hard, muscular chest. Yanking the tie out of my hair, I stepped away.

“I’ve been in your head, Li. I wasn’t sure until I felt it for myself. You deny it because you think you’re betraying Liam and that I’m going to hurt you somehow, but it’s not true. I will never leave you. And he will always disappoint you.”

A sob wanted to explode out, but I coughed it away. “Even if I did love you, what happens when the Shadowborn decide to steal your soul, or when the next creep crawls out of the pits of hell to take me out? Who do you think they’ll take to get to me?” My breath shuddered. “I—can’t, and I won’t put you, or h-him, in danger.”

“I’ll resign as the captain of your guard. I’ll stay in the city, confined to your room, if that’s what you want.” He grabbed my wrist and inched me closer. “Take me as your consort. Have a child with me.”

My breath hitched. I expelled my energy, the force slamming him back against the wall. Palm pressed against my aching head, I faced the other direction and exhaled a pent-up breath. What was with the fae and babies?

His sharp inhale made me flinch. “That’s what Liam asked you. He wants to give you a child so he can keep his claim on you. Arrogant bastard!” Nix walked around, faced me again and lifted my chin. His gaze bored into me. “You know that’s insane. Tell me you’re not thinking about it.”

My fingers curled up at my sides. “No, I’m not. And even if I were, what would be wrong with having his child?”

“It’s just … wrong. Our people need a Seelie heir as pure as our queen.” Nix stripped off his shirt as I endured the sting of his words without comment.

“What are you doing?” My eyes traveled down his firm chest to his six-pack. When he dropped his shorts, I pressed my thumb and first finger over my closed lids to ensure they remained closed.

“I’m taking a shower.”

“Then go to your own place. Why are you showering here?”

“Because I’m not done talking to you, and I’m all sweaty. I’m afraid if I leave you alone right now, you’ll take off on me.”

I lowered my hand at the sound of running water. Nix propped his hands against the wall, his beautifully sculpted backside facing me. Water cascaded down his pale skin and formed winding rivers down his legs. I tried not to look. Goddess, I tried. Before I realized I’d moved, my hands pressed against the glass enclosure as I strained to see past the steam filling the space. Heat invaded every corner of my body, some places more than others.

I should go. I shouldn’t be here.

Nix turned, his penetrating eyes fixed on mine. He opened the door and reached for me, but I launched myself in the other direction, knowing if I allowed him to touch me, I’d be undone in more ways than one. No matter how angry I was at Liam, sleeping with Nix still stabbed at me like a betrayal.

In my bedroom, I sat on the edge of one of the chairs, holding myself, debating how much my life would change if I bucked up and told Nix the truth about my father. Donovan had warned me never to tell another soul until the Courts reunited, but the weight of the lie would soon crush me if I didn’t deal with it. Nix said he’d never leave me. I wanted—no—I needed to believe him.

With clenched teeth, I rose to my feet and waited for my captain to get out of my shower.

When he emerged from the doorway a few minutes later, I averted my eyes until I realized he’d wrapped a towel around his waist. Water dripped from white hair that had darkened with the moisture and trickled down his midsection.

“I need to tell you something,” I blurted.

He tugged me close and pressed his fingers against my lips. The small touch ignited my blood. Again, he stared at me. I searched his eyes for that spark I’d been looking for, but found nothing that stirred me the way I thought it should.

“There’s nothing you can tell me that will change anything.” He replaced his hand with his lips—a kiss more forceful than the last one. Crushing hard. Desperate. His mouth fed at mine, and my body and energy reacted to his touch, rippling beneath my skin. Our moans mixed together. Our power lit up the room in shades of gold and cream.