Shadows in Me (11 page)

Caitlin

“Mom! What are you doing here?” I was shocked to see her standing in front of me. 

“Can’t a mother just come visit her daughter? I was worried about you, after you left I didn’t hear from you, so I thought I would come and see for myself.”  She stepped into the house.

I looked behind her to see if my dad was going to make an appearance too. 

“Don’t worry, I left Daddy at home, I was thinking we should have some girl time. What do you think?”

Oh shit, a mother always knows. I was so glad she had come.  “I’m so glad you’re here. I love you mum.” I literally jumped into her arms and gave her a hug 

“Wow, that’s wonderful, so I take it that you’re happy?” 

“Yes mum I’m happy you came, you want some coffee or tea?”

“I would love a cup of coffee, you know me, coffee is what flows through our veins.”

I started making my mum some coffee, and a cup of chamomile tea for me. I knew she would pick up on it; her eyes seldom missed anything. I was bracing myself for what was to come.  She was very quiet behind me, and when I turned around I found her sitting with her elbow on the table her chin resting in her hand.  She was looking at me with narrowed eyes. 

“Why are you not drinking coffee?” 

“I just don’t feel like drinking coffee right now, it’s late.”

“Cut out the shit Cait, tell me the truth.”

I knew I couldn’t keep it from her for much longer.  I took a deep breath.   “I’m pregnant Mum, twelve weeks already.”  I was waiting for her to go off her head, and start shouting at me, but she didn’t.  She got up from where she was sitting and walked towards me.  She didn’t say a word, she just put her arms around me and hugged me, we both started crying. 

“My angel, I’m here now, we’ll sort this out.” She pushed me back just a little so she could look into my eyes. 

“I’m really glad you came.” I told her.

“I knew you needed me. I told your dad I was going to take a little vacation and I wanted to come and visit you.  So, when did you find out?”

“I went to the doctor today. But I should have put it all together.  I have gained a little weight and been more tired than usual. I just thought it was all the good food and long hours at work.”  That reminded me of the ultrasound photo the doctor printed for me. 

“Wait, I’ve got a picture.”  I ran upstairs to get the picture out of my bag.  Heather was still fast asleep on my bed. 

I grabbed my phone and the picture and started walking back to the kitchen.  I wondered who had tried to call earlier; I unlocked the screen and saw that it was Brent.  He also sent a text. 

Brent:  Just checking in on you, all ok?

I quickly sent him a text back. 

Me:  I’m great, my mom just arrived. 

I stuck the phone in my back pocket just before I walked back into the kitchen. 

“Look, this is my baby.” I handed the picture to my mom.

She looked at it with tears rolling down her cheeks.  I put my arms around her and just held her tight. 

“This is my grandchild!”  She turned her face and kissed me. 

“Have you told him yet?”  I knew she meant Vincent.

“No, and I’m not too sure if I want to tell him.”  I let go of my mom and took a seat next to her. 

“He does have the right to know.”  Her serious voice came out, when she got like that you listened to her. 

“I know, but I’m afraid.  We didn’t really part on good terms.  I don’t know how he’ll react. I don’t even know how he feels about having kids.”

“I understand my darling, but you are already starting to show, how long do you think you’re going to be able to keep this hidden from him?” 

“I know, can we talk about this in the morning?”

“Sure my Angel, we can talk tomorrow while we do some retail therapy.”

“Thank you. I need to set up the room downstairs for you, Heather is fast asleep in my bed and her room is a mess.  Sorry mom.” 

“Oh, Heathers’ here too? I’m happy to hear that.” 

“Yeah, I wouldn’t have been able to do this without her today.”  I placed my hands over my belly. 

“You’re very lucky to have a friend like her, I’ve always liked her, a little feisty at times but a beautiful child.” 

“She is special, but we could talk about her another time too. I need to go to bed.  I love you mum.” 

After sorting my mum‘s room out I decided it might be a good idea to try the bath again. The water was ice cold and I had to run another one.  I loaded it with bubbles and climbed in.  This time the water was perfect and the bubbles covered every inch of me.  I felt at peace.  I lay with my hands cupped over my belly.  This baby might have been a huge surprise, but it was made with love.  If I had worked it out correctly, it was conceived that magical weekend we had spent on the beach.   I closed my eyes and let my mind drift there all over again.  I wished he had been with me today.  I wanted so much to be able to tell him about our baby, but I just wasn’t sure how he was going to react. 

“Hey chick!” Heather’s voice jolted me from my thoughts.  I jumped, splashing water all over the bathroom floor. 

“H E A T H E R!!!” I shouted at her.

“What? Did I give you a fright? I was calling you from the room, didn’t you hear me?  Mmmmm, what were you doing in here?”

“Yes, you did and I’m bathing, can’t you see?”

“Yes, but you were a thousand miles away, I watched you.”  Heather walked to the toilet, closed the lid and sat down to face me. 

“Sorry I fell asleep on your bed, I was pooped.” 

“It’s cool.  Oh, my mum is here, got in about two hours ago.” 

“Yeah, I just saw her; I went downstairs for a glass of water and walked in her talking to your dad on the phone.  So she knows?” 

“She knew before I did, it’s funny her pitching up here at just the right moment.  Shit, was she telling my dad that I’m pregnant?” 

“Yes, and from the sounds of it, she was trying to stop him from coming over here and cutting Vincent’s dick off.  I wouldn’t want to be on your dad’s bad side.”  Heather pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. 

“I know, this situation is totally screwed up, but I’m happy about the baby.  I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.   Wow, it feels good to say it out load.”

Heather looked relieved.  “You don’t know how happy it makes me to hear you say that, I have been so worried about you and the baby.  I was waiting for the bubble to burst.” 

“Don’t worry, I think I surprised myself with that one.  But after telling my mum tonight, I realised that this baby is a gift and it’s up to me to decide what the best is for us. I can choose to cry and get depressed about it or I can choose to be positive and make good choices for both of us.  It’s not just me anymore, I now have another life I’m responsible for.  It’s scary but I have the best support system.  I will tell Vincent eventually, but it needs to be on my terms and if he wants to be part of the baby’s life then that’s how it’s going to be.”

“Wow, when did you turn into this wonder woman?”   

“About ten minutes ago before you scared the living shit out of me.” 

I finished my bath and then Heather had a shower, we decided a “sleepover” would be in order for the night. 

I woke up the next morning with Heathers arm over my head and no blankets over me; this was obviously going to be the last night we sleep in the same bed together.  There was an amazing smell coming from downstairs.  Oh yes, my mum’s home and she was obviously making pancakes for breakfast.  I flipped Heather’s arm off me, waking her up in the process.

“Oh God Caitlin, I love your mother. I need food, race you to the kitchen.”  Heather jumped out of bed and rushed out the door. 

Just as I was about to make my way down, the horrid morning sickness hit again, I managed to make it to the bathroom just in time. I sat for the next five minutes puking my lungs out.  Obviously Heather realised I was missing in action, and in no time at all they were standing behind me watching me puke.  Great, what a way to start the morning. 

“Oh my darling, I had terrible morning sickness when I was pregnant with you, Nanna always gave me some tea with ginger biscuits, the ginger helped.”

“I don’t have ginger biscuits in the house.” I said.

“Don’t worry, I brought some with me.”  My mother stood very calmly, her arms folded over her chest. 

My head snapped back, Heathers mouth was open; she was as shocked as I was.

“Why would you bring ginger biscuits with you, I’ve never eaten ginger biscuits.”

“Well, like I said to you last night, I knew that you needed me, and something in my gut told me to bring the biscuits.  A mother knows these things; you’ll learn that very soon. 

After I got cleaned up and brushed my teeth I went downstairs to find Heather and my mum cleaning up the kitchen.  There was no sign of my mums amazing pancakes, only a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits.

“Where’s the pancakes, I want pancakes?” I pouted, hoping they would feel sorry for me. 

“I didn’t think you wanted any, sorry my baby.” 

“Will this morning sickness ever stop?”  I was at my end I needed good food, I was starving. 

“I think it should be over soon, I had it till I was fifteen weeks pregnant with you.  You’re twelve weeks now if I remember correctly.”

I sat at the table and finished my tea and biscuits.  Heather ran upstairs go get ready for work. 

“Caitlin, I spoke to your father this morning.” My mum used her serious voice again. 

“Did you tell him?” 

“Yes, I did.”

“Thank you, I was really worried about telling him.  Was he angry?”

“Yes, he’s very angry, but he will calm down soon, you know how he can get.  Well we were wondering how you would feel about coming back home with me.  Just for a while, things have been really upside down for you and we’re worried about you, and of course now the baby. We’re not saying you have to, but we just thought you might want to.”

“I don’t know mum, that’s a very big decision, I don’t want it to look like I’m running away, and I should look for a job and start earning money so I’m able to look after the baby.” 

“I understand what you are saying my darling, but in your profession it’s not going to be so easy.  Companies are funny, the moment they realise you’re pregnant, things change and you won’t be able to hide it for much longer.”

I knew my mother was right, but the thought of leaving everything behind, including Vincent, was hard. I didn’t know if I was ready to make that decision. “You don’t need to decide right now, I’m still in town for a few days.  When I do decide to go back, you can either come with me or you can stay. Whatever you decide, we will stand by you.  Dad and I will make sure your accounts are paid and you’re both taken care of until you can stand on your own feet.  We won’t let you down.” 

“Thank you Mum.”      

Caitlin

Spending the next day with my mother was the best thing for me.  We decided that it would be ok to start buying things for the baby; I was over the danger period. 

My mum decided that it would be a good idea if we set up two nurseries.  One at my home and one at theirs, and obviously they would need to look identical.  So the process started. My poor dad, if he had known that sending my mum for a visit was going to turn out like this, he would have kept her at home.  Firstly he had found out that his baby girl was pregnant, with no husband to look after her, and now my mother was breaking the bank.  But I was having fun, I liked being spoilt.  There was a lot of walking though, and many toilet breaks. 

We decided that we would start with all white décor, I still wasn’t too sure if I wanted to find out the sex of the baby, but my gut was telling me it was going to be a little boy. My mum on the other hand believed it would be a girl. 

My house was already decorated in a Rustic Vintage look, and I wanted the nursery to look the same.  We bought all the furniture first.  

The crib was an old fashioned iron crib painted white, almost like the ones you would find in the early 19
th
century hospitals.  We found a changing table that looked like an old chest of drawers, with the changing mat on top.  The baby bath was in the first drawer, plumbing include.  This table had a matching bookshelf with a stunning little side table. 

My mom decided we were going to need a big rocking chair to go with it, so that I’d be comfortable at feeding time.  Everything was pure white, once baby was here we would add the colour.  My mum arranged for the furniture to be delivered to my house in a day or two, and her batch delivered to her house in two weeks.  It gave us enough time to set up my nursery and then I would go home with her to set up the nursery there. 

After the furniture, we did linen and clothes.  I eventually had to stop my mom. I thought I was bad when it came to spending money, but she took the cake.  I didn’t think there was enough space in my car for all the stuff we had bought, and then it hit me, how was I going to unload my car without Vincent seeing it?  On our way home I quickly sent Heather a message, to check if Vincent was at the shop. 

Me:  Hey bestie, so is your boss at work right now?

Heather: Which one?

Me: The big one

Heather: They’re both quite big

Me:  H E A T H E R

Heather:  Ok, ok, I was just pulling your leg

Me: So is he there?

Heather:  Yes where else would he be? 

Me:  Oh fuck, send him to go do something.

Heather:  Why

Me:  My mother went crazy and my car’s packed full of baby stuff, I don’t want to take the chance that he sees it 

Heather:  Why was I not invited

Me: Cause you have a job

Heather:  Whatever.  What time do you want me to send him out? 

Me:  Like right now

Heather:  Let me see what I could do. 

Me:  Thanks

After about twenty minutes Heather gave me the all clear.  I stopped my car in front of the house and very quickly unpacked it. My mum was taking her freaking time, and I just needed to get it done before Vincent got back.  Just as I was taking out the giant giraffe, I saw his car pull up.  I jumped out of my skin.  I rushed up the stairs into the house.  When I looked back, I could see him standing next to his car looking at me.  I threw the giraffe down on the ground but I didn’t move away from the door.  I could almost hear the wheels turning in his head.  I pulled my phone out my pocket and texted Heather. 

Me:  Right now you are going have to be the best actress you can be.  Vincent saw me. You need to tell him we are planning a baby shower for one of our friends.  

Heather: Oh shit, Ok, he just walked in I better go. 

Holy shit this was what I wanted to avoid, knowing him he will jump to his own conclusions.  He still believes Brent and I had a relationship, and if he found out I was pregnant, he would think it was Brent’s. 

Heather was being kicked out of her upstairs room because that was now going to be the nursery.  My mom spoke to her about it in the morning, and had arranged go get all her things moved to the downstairs room.  My mom had it all worked out.  The furniture was going to be delivered the next day.  We asked them to pack the furniture in such a way that it would not be damaged, but also that you could not identify what it was by just looking at the packaging. I didn’t know what to do about the branding on the truck though. 

I needed Heather to make a plan again, so I sent her another message.

Me:  Heather do you think you could get him to do something again tomorrow say between eleven and one. 

Heather:  You are killing me here, what for

Me:  They will be delivering the furniture, my mother went crazy

Heather:  Are you setting up the nursery already?, So you kick me out my room and then ask me for favours.  Nice one. 

Me:  I’m sorry but help

Heather:  Ok, just joking your mother already phoned me about it, she’s organised. 

Me:  Oh wonderful. So what happened earlier? 

Heather:  He did see you, and yes he did ask. I think he believed me though; he was fine afterwards he didn’t look upset. 

Me:  Oh thank god, thank you so much. 

Thank goodness for Heather, not telling Vincent was proving to be harder than I had thought. Maybe going home with my mum was the best thing I could do, I realised though that I wasn't quite ready to tell him.  By the time I walked back into the kitchen, my mum had prepared an amazing lunch for us.  Grilled chicken salad with ginger beer.  She was really taking this whole ginger thing a little far; I was hoping the nausea would stay away just long enough for me to enjoy my food. 

Heather had asked me the night before if I was going to tell Brent about the baby. I really wanted to share my news with him, but just like Vincent, I wasn’t too sure how he would react.  At least he would know who the father was. 

After lunch I went upstairs to take a nap.  I wasn’t feeling too great.  I thought it was just because of the amount of walking I had done, added to my nerves.  Having to dodge Vincent had really taken its toll on me. 

My mom came to check on me and brought me some tea.  The pain was not going away and I was really getting worried.  My mom phoned the doctor but we could only get an appointment much later.  Maybe a warm bath would help, my mom started pouring my bath when the front door bell rang.  I was just about to get into the bath when I heard my father’s voice.   I shut the water off and made my way down to the kitchen. 

“Daddy!  What are you doing here?” I walked over to give my dad a kiss. 

“Your mother was spending all my money so I thought I had better come and see for myself what she’s doing.”  He turned to my mum and in a playful way smacked her on the ass. 

“Hey, watch it mister, that money is as much mine as it is yours, I’ve had to sit with your nonsenses for many years.  Caitlin, how are you feeling?  You shouldn’t have come downstairs.” 

“I’m fine mum, what time is the doctors appoint …..”  There was a knock on the door, who the hell could that have been.  I didn’t even look before I opened the door. 

“VINCENT!! What are you doing here?”  Holy crap, my father and Vincent in the same room, not a very good idea. I needed to get him out of there. 

“What the hell’s going on here Caitlin?”  Vincent was angry; his eyes were bloodshot, like he hadn’t had a good night sleep in weeks.  So it wasn’t just me. 

“You need to get out of here, my father has just arrived.”  I tried to push him away from the front door, I didn’t want my dad to hear us. 

“I’m not scared of your dad, I respect him but I’m not scared of him.”  Before I could even get a word in, the front door flung open and my dad walked out. 

“Young man, I think my daughter asked you to leave.” My dad was a scary man at the best of times, but when he was angry you needed to stay out of his way. 

“Henry, let the kids talk.”  My mum had my dad by the hand and was trying to get him back into the house with her. 

I could see it in my mum’s eyes; it was time to tell Vincent the truth. 

“Sir, no disrespect to you, but this is between your daughter and I.  I would appreciate it if you minded your own business.” Holy fuck!! Was the man crazy speaking to my father like that?  Now my dad, in general, was not a violent man but something snapped inside of him.  He shrugged my mother’s hand from his and came storming towards Vincent.  Without thinking, I tried to step in front of him but my foot hooked on a loose piece of flooring and I went falling down the steps.  It all happened in slow motion; I heard my mother scream as she rushed forward to get to me, pushing Vincent out of the way in the process.  I tried to shield my tummy, but I fell half on the last step and half on the concrete walkway, with my head hitting the ground.   

OMG!!! My baby!! I felt a warm sensation between my legs and when I looked down all I saw, was blood. 

“Henry, call 911 and then call Heather.  Tell her to get Caitlin’s doctor to meet us at the hospital.”  My mother was frantic, screaming at my dad. 

Vincent stood dead still on the steps, his face as white as snow.  His face was the last thing I saw before I passed out.