Shameless (9 page)

“No, I don’t,” he shouted. “You’ve given everything to that goddamn charity. Now you’re sacrificing yourself, too? When is it ever going to be enough?”

They’d had this argument countless times over the past two years. He didn’t understand her commitment to the foundation. He resented the fact that it took away from her time with him. In fact, he’d suggested on more than one occasion that she should find a successor so they would be free to travel once he retired. She’d told him in no uncertain terms that would never happen. Their failure to reach a compromise was yet another reason she had been reluctant to set a wedding date.

Unfortunately, as of late, the cons were outweighing the pros in their relationship and that scared her. Maybe this time away from him was exactly what she needed to gain some much needed perspective about their relationship. Of course, her attraction to her ex wouldn’t help her to see things more clearly. If anything, it confused her even more.        

“I want you to leave, Eric. Go home. I’ll call you tonight.”

“So that’s it, then? You want me to just leave you here with him?”

She folded her arms across her chest. “Don’t you trust me?”

“I trust you. It’s him I don’t trust.”

“Be that as it may, I’m the one calling the shots. Trey needs me more than I need him. If I feel uncomfortable with the situation, I walk.”

He took a step toward her, taking her hands in his. “Don’t let him tear us apart, sugar.”

She touched his weathered cheek, smiling up at him. “I won’t. Don’t worry, Eric. Go back to Oklahoma. Keep the good citizens safe from those ruthless criminals.” She tried to lighten the mood and ease his fears. She understood why he was afraid of losing her. She was afraid too. 

“Promise you’ll come home to me?”

She forced a smile. “Of course, I’ll be home before you know it.”

Trey waited in a lounge chair by the pool, trying to relax every tense muscle in his body. Sitting here, doing nothing, went against every instinct he had to protect Sierra. He saw the other man possessed a hair-trigger temper and suppressed rage lurked beneath the surface of his cool veneer.

If he ever struck out at Sierra, Trey would have to kill him. Judge or not, no one would ever hurt Sierra as long as there was breath in his body.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he heard her heels clicking on the pavement. He closed his eyes, feigning a sense of calm he didn’t feel. It was too soon for her to know the depth of his feelings for her. She wanted them to maintain a professional relationship. If he pushed for more, he would risk pushing her away. She had to come to him on her own, in her own time.

“Did you get things settled?” he asked when he heard her claim the chair beside him.

She sighed. “I don’t know. He’s gone, if that’s what you mean.”

Trey opened one eye and glanced at her. She was resting her head on the pillow and her eyes were closed. His gaze travelled the length of her body. She wore high-heeled boots, skinny jeans, a tight black tank top, and cropped leather jacket. Her long, blond hair fanned out around her face. Lord have mercy.

“What are you lookin’ at, cowboy?”

He laughed. “I didn’t promise I wouldn’t look. I’m not a saint.”

She opened her eyes, letting her gaze travel his body. “No, you’re definitely a sinner, Turner.”

He shook his head and chuckled. “Why him, Sierra?”

He saw her gaze drift to the rolling hills along the property line.

“I don’t know. He makes me feel safe.”

He didn’t respond at first. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know anymore. “Why?”

“I know he loves me. Would never cheat on me.” She looked him in the eye. “I know that I’m enough for him.”

“God, Sierra,” he whispered. “You honestly think you weren’t enough for me?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. There were groupies everywhere, Trey. The parties, the tours, it was hell.”

He took a chance and reached over to grab her hand. “I never cheated on you. I need you to believe that.”

She looked over at him, her eyes searching his face. “I do believe you. I think I would have been able to tell.”

He squeezed her hand, never wanting to let go. “What do you mean?”

“Like you said, it was intense between us. When we made love...”

He waited, holding his breath. “Go on.”

“It was like there was no one else in the world but the two of us. You looked me in the eye every time we came together. I kept waiting for that to change, especially toward the end, but it didn’t.”  

He thought back; she was right. He looked her in the eye when he made love to her because he was trying to express with actions what he couldn’t express with words. “You didn’t think I’d be able to look you in the eye while we were making love if I was having sex with someone else?”

She nodded. “It may seem silly, but I held on to that hope.”

“You were right.” He let go of her hand, throwing his legs over the side of the chair so he could face her. “The bedroom seemed like the only place we still connected toward the end, didn’t it?”

She nodded, looking sad. “Yeah, I kept holding on to that connection, hoping it would be enough to get us through, but it wasn’t. Hell, you were so drunk the last time I don’t think you would have known the difference, me or someone else, as long as you had a warm body underneath you.”

Her words cut deep. He hated that he’d allowed his drinking to come between them. “I’m sorry.”

“How long before you slept with someone else?” she asked.

Shit. He couldn’t lie to her. He hesitated, knowing his answer may prevent him from earning the second chance he so desperately wanted.

“Forget it,” she said, quietly. “You don’t have to answer that. I’m trying to move forward. I can’t do that if I’m living in the past, can I?”

She was giving him an out, but he wasn’t willing to take it. “It was the night you told me you were filing for divorce.”

“Shit,” she whispered. “I wish I hadn’t asked.”

He slid her legs over so he could sit at the bottom of her chair. “Sierra, you’ve got to understand. I was wrecked that night.”

She kicked him in the gut with her high-heeled boot, knocking him off balance. “You slept with me that night, you son of a bitch.”

He pinned her ankles to prevent her from kicking him again. “I’m sorry.” His hands slid up her legs, resting on her thighs. “I was already loaded, and when you told me you wanted a divorce, I couldn’t handle it.” He tipped her chin so she was looking at him. He cursed the tears sliding down her cheeks. “I had a feeling you were going to ask for a divorce, but when we made love, I thought you’d reconsidered. Fuck, you blindsided me, Sierra.”

She swiped at the tears with the back of her hand. “That was a mistake. We shouldn’t have had sex that night.”

“We didn’t. We made love, just like every other time.” He took her hand and she glanced down at their joined hands.

“What the hell is this?” she asked, sliding his wedding ring around on his finger.

He smiled. “What does it look like?”

“It looks like you’re trying to use our past to get to me.”

“You think I put this on for your benefit?”

She scowled at him. “Of course. What other reason could there be?”

“Could be that I’ve never taken it off.”

“You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not. Look at the pictures; there must be dozens of them on the net. You’ll see that I’m wearing this ring in every single photo.”

“Why?” she whispered, looking him in the eye.

“Isn’t it obvious?” 

Chapter Seven

Sierra tried to ignore the tingling sensation sliding over her skin as she led the way up the winding path toward his music studio. She could feel his eyes boring into her backside, the heat of his gaze making her feel vulnerable and exposed.

As soon as they entered the studio, she eyed the familiar black leather book on the low table. There was a folded note sitting on top.

The note read, “Sierra, You left this in the car. I’m sorry for the way I acted. I’d like to talk more tonight. Please call me when you get back to the hotel. I love you, Eric.”

She fisted the note and tossed it into a nearby garbage can. She didn’t want to think about Eric or their relationship right now. The time would come when she would have to make some difficult decisions, but right now, she just wanted to focus on the task at hand.

“Are you ready to get started?” Trey asked.

She slid her palm over the soft leather of the treasured album and wondered whether she was ready. Last night, it seemed like a good idea to share her songbook with Trey. She thought it might spark his creativity, but now the prospect seemed terrifying. Sharing her lyrics would be like reliving their relationship all over again. 

He reached for the book. “May I take a look?”

“You remember?” He had the monogrammed album custom made for her when she earned her undergraduate degree. He told her he was so proud of her, but he didn’t want her to lose her creativity, her essence, in her quest to care for others. Reluctantly, she relinquished the book.

He ran his fingertips over the gold embossed initials,
S.B.T
.  He opened the book carefully, re-reading his imprinted inscription.

Sierra,

You always have been, always will be, my muse. You inspire me in countless

ways every day.  Your influence has made me a better artist, and more

importantly, a better man. I only hope in some small way I have inspired you

to be the best you can be. I believe in you more than I have ever believed in

anyone, myself included. I know you will accomplish great things in life; this is

only the beginning of your journey. I am so proud to call you my wife, my

lover, my best friend.

I love you,

Trey
 

He swallowed, visibly affected by the words.  “I had it all, Sierra.” He looked her in the eye. “I had you, a baby, my career, more money than I could ever spend. How could I have been so stupid?”

She couldn’t stand to see him in so much pain, blaming himself when she deserved to share the blame for what happened to their marriage. She painted him as the villain in her mind because it gave her the strength to move on, but it was time for her to admit the truth. She gave up when she should have stayed, fought for him,
honored
their marriage vows. “Don’t do this, Trey. It isn’t entirely your fault.”

“Don’t. Please don’t,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I don’t want you to give me a pass for the things I did. I was a thoughtless, selfish bastard. I didn’t deserve you, Sierra.”

She reached out to him, pulling him into her arms. “I want to put the past behind us, Trey.” She felt the steady beat of his heart and wished there was something she could do or say to make him forgive himself for his perceived sins. No one deserved to suffer this way. “I want us to be friends.”

He set the book down on the bar behind her and drew her into his arms, holding onto her as though he never intended to let go. “I need you,” he whispered. “It’s true. You were my inspiration. You still are.”

She felt the power of his hands on her back, kneading her flesh, awakening dormant desires. She knew she should pull away, but her heart raged against her conscience. Her hands encircled his solid biceps and she pulled back to look at him. “We can’t. I can’t do this.” She made the mistake of glancing at his full, sensuous mouth, open in invitation. She wanted to forget the past, the future, and just get lost in this moment.  

“Don’t think. Just feel,” he whispered. He lowered his head and brushed his lips across hers, waiting, welcoming, pleading.

She shook her head and pushed out of his arms. “No, I can’t. I won’t.” She scraped her hands through her hair. “I wouldn’t have cheated on you and I won’t do that to Eric. He’s a good man. He deserves my loyalty.”