Shampoo (41 page)

I want kisses, good morning, a
touch on the head, FUCKING ANYTHING!!!

But then when he left, I was back
in bed, and he came in and kissed me full on the lips, and said,
“Call me.”

“
No, you call me,
Everard.”

“
You can come over
tonight if you want. Considering I’ve come here the past two
nights.”

Putting it like THAT, he has
tried, I guess.

Just doesn’t feel like
enough.

Monday 20 November
2000

7.35am

I am so tired.

So yesterday after Evvy left, I
slept for a few hours, then arrived at his at 5.30pm.

Now, I don’t know whether the boys
told him about Richard, or if Ever was just in one of his asshole
moods. But he was punishing me for something.

(I’m so over guys punishing me for
being who I am. I just want a guy to fucking love me)

He would not cuddle me, kiss me,
let me touch him or talk to me in any way. He wouldn’t even respond
to me.

Worse, I gave it TWO HOURS before
I stormed out.

I am SO MAD. I can’t take it
anymore.

It’s like dating a diva. I’m
trying to date Bette Midler.

7.17pm

Ever rang me at work. He didn’t
say much though, and neither did I.

Sigh.

Tuesday 21 November
2000

9.30pm

Just got back from Tee’s. Had the
best time.

Worked 6.30am till 5pm, then went
straight to Tee’s for a beautiful, home cooked meal.

(she’s gonna make someone a great
wife some day!! Me!!)

She also made up a plate of
leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

I love her!!!

She never lets my glass go empty –
she’s a true hostess, like back in the day, when it used to mean so
much.

Ever rang me at work today and was
all, “Can you come over tomorrow? I’m going to my sister’s
tonight.”

And I was all, “I can’t. Dad and
Cruz are coming over for dinner.”

“
What about
Thursday?”

“
I can’t then either,
I’ve got a course all night after work.”

(enough with the bloody courses,
work!!!)

“
So Friday
then?”

(I was taking pleasure now,
especially after how he treated me Sunday night at his place. And
after the party bus. And after, well, EVERYTHING. The
motherfucker)

“
I can’t, I’m going to
Belmont Tavern for Richard’s opening night.”

“
Sigh. Oh,” he replied,
sounding really wounded.

Which made me SO
HAPPY!!!!!!

I mean, I was upset I couldn’t see
him all week, but happy he was annoyed and dejected. It’s a healthy
relationship we have!!

(what relationship???)

If I have to go another week with
no sex, I think I will surely die.

Graham, Rich and Nick all rang me
today.

I have them all, hey??

Except the one I really
want.

Thursday 23 November
2000

9.00pm

Just got home from work. Ugh. I
hate the days it feels like I practically live there.

Yesterday at work was average.
Then Dad and Cruz came over for dinner.

I feel like lately I hide
everything from them. They don’t even know about Evvy. They don’t
know what I do all weekend. They don’t really see who I am even.
They just have this weird, preconceived notion of me.

(I’m emotional, I’m unstable,
etc.)

I used to have such fun with Dad.
Now I just feel a bit judged, by Cruz especially. But even by
Dad.

It’s weird. Don’t know how to
explain it.

But it hurts, in my heart. Feels
like I’ve lost my father. And for what reason?? Cause his
girlfriend sees the worst in me only? My own father should not be
so easily lost to me.

I was so tired at work today, I
didn’t think I would make it. But I did. Barely.

Benny helped me through. He helped
me survive it!

Renee had hired all these
school-like tables for the course downstairs in the salon, so Benny
and I pushed ours together till they were touching, then sat really
close together, shoulder to shoulder, drawing weird and funny pics
and writing notes to each other. We kept whispering and giggling
all night together.

Lachlan and Quinten and Paul were
a couple of rows behind us, and kept throwing paper aeroplanes at
us. Every time I turned around, they were all raising their
eyebrows at me and pointing to Benny, like, “Hello?? What is this
with you and Benny?”

God, Lachie looked so funny. He
pulls the funniest facial expressions. He’s missed his calling as
an actor.

(I almost wrote actress,
ahahahaha)

The course was about some New
Agey, Karen-the-boss’s-wife usual self-awareness crap, that we’ve
been to a million of by now. And the lady/hippy running it at one
stage pointed to me and said, “Pinky, how’s your love
life?”

(how did she know my
name???)

I immediately responded, “I don’t
understand the question,” and I couldn’t even finish the sentence
without spluttering laughter everywhere, Benny joining in, us
laughing over each other. Was so funny. We couldn’t stop. Lachlan
joined in, cause all it takes for him to piss himself is others
around him laughing hysterically.

Nat, three seats over, just rolled
her eyes and shook her head at me, and Karen, sweet, never angry,
always joyous and positive, beams positive light onto everybody,
looked at me like she was bitterly disappointed in me.

(how about you feed me then, after
working 11 hours with no break, then make me sit through this shit
for almost four hours?? I might respond better to it)

“
If you don’t
understand the question, your love life is in need of some DIRE
examining,” the hippy replied tightly.

That sure shut me up. Cause she’s
right.

Nobody likes a class
clown.

Saturday 25 November
2000

12.14am

I’ve had such a great night!! So
great I’m a bit confused…cause I had too good a time with Matt, and
feel VERY ATTRACTED to him.

Evvy rang me at work
today

(Friday…haven’t gone to bed
yet),

and just said he’d call
tomorrow.

That was it.

So on the phone, I was all, “Why
don’t we make plans NOW, for tomorrow?”

“
Cause I don’t know
what I’m doing yet.”

(in your hesitation I found my
answer)

“
But if you don’t make
plans with me now, I’ll just make plans with someone else, then we
won’t get to see each other AGAIN – ”

“
Fine by me. Go for
it.”

I hung up on the asshole. I’m over
it.

So tonight I’ve had that vibe from
Matt that I had at his twenty-first – that I KNOW we will end up
together. It’s almost spooky. Just knowing something like that and
just sitting back, all chill, waiting for it to unfold before your
very eyes.

That night we went to the movies
though…he was very closed off. I felt nothing from him that night.
He seems to have this way of closing himself off when he wants to,
and backing away from me.

It’s like he has to think things
though, FOR LIKE A FUCKING YEAR. But then once he’s in, he’s all
in.

Tonight…there was fireworks
between us. Small ones, set at a simmer, but they were
there.

4.18pm

I’m down the coast, on the beach
at Labrador, near Stardust.

Kinda hurts my heart, looking at
Stardust. Such high hopes after that magical night together, and
now look at Ever and I. Worse than we’ve ever fucking
been.

It’s heaven here, the sun
beginning to go down in the sky. Love afternoons on the
coast.

I can’t wait for my holidays. This
is all that I’m gonna do. Just stay down here.

So last night was so
fun.

Matt finished work in the early
arvo; Melissa’s boyfriend

(the anchovy darer)

Nathan came into work at 5pm, so I
drove Nat, Melissa and Nathan to Matt’s, picked him up…

And I got a tingle as soon as I
spotted him emerge from his house and come down his driveway. He
squished in the back between Melissa and Nathan.

We had so much fun just driving
from Matt’s to the Belmont Tavern near Rich’s place. I kept hooning
it, and roaring off at the lights, making Matt and Nath crack up
and Nat and Melissa scream and squeal.

It was the grand opening of the
place, and Richard’s first night working there behind the bar. He’d
asked me to go, so I’d organized a group of us, to have a big night
out there, and watch Rich do his bartending magic!!

(Little
Jon
, Benny, Joy, Paul and his
girlfriend met us there)

Except we could barely get into
the place, couldn’t even get to the bar or to Rich, it was so crazy
packed and rocking!!

There were no tables left for
food, we could barely move or hear each other, and we couldn’t get
food or drink!

I waved and gestured to Rich that
we were going, and he looked seriously pissed off with
me!!

So all of us piled into three cars
and came back to our place!

(except Benny!! Benny pissed off,
disappeared somewhere, roaring off in his VS Series II ute.
Probably to go smoke some pot! I was really disappointed.
Everything is more fun with Benny there)

We all just drank, talked, played
Playstation. Was so much frickin’ fun.

Matt and I got to have a nice
talk, side by side on the couch, which was SO NICE!!!

(I really dig Matt. Like
already)

We sat drinking together, laughing
and talking all night.

The others left eventually, but
Matt stayed on the couch and I drove him home this
morning.

For some reason, that felt so nice
and right, driving him back to his place, like I was his
girlfriend.

I felt it, I felt a future. It’s
like I just KNOW.

For the first time in a very long
time, I didn’t want to see a guy leave. I didn’t want Matt to leave
me. I wanted to spend the day together. I wanted to BE with
him.

Lately Evvy just pisses me off,
and I’m relieved to see the back end of him, AS HE LEAVES. I
breathe a sigh of relief and relax finally.

With Matt, I never wanted the car
trip to end; I didn’t want him to get out the car and leave me. It
was almost a physical yearning.

I tried to convey my feelings with
my eyes to him

(through my hot pink
sunnies),

and he seemed to be conveying
something intense via his eyes right back at me, as we sat outside
his house.

But then he said goodbye and got
out the car and left.

Sigh. For some reason, my heart
aches.

So straight from Matt’s I drove to
Graham’s and picked him up. He was still in his pajama’s, and he
looked so adorable! All sweet and cuddly and innocent. We went to
Garden City and saw the 12pm session of ‘Charlie’s
Angels.’

Oh my god, it was the best
movie!!! I loved it so much.

Graham kept saying how much I
looked like Drew Barrymore in it.

(oh yeah, he so wants to sleep
with me, and thinks feeding me that crap will work)

(it probably would if I wasn’t so
into…I went to say Matt but meant to write Ever)

Then I drove Graham home and drove
to Tee’s, thinking she’d be home and we’d go to the coast, but she
wasn’t home, so I drove down here by myself.

I’ve seriously done like 300kms
today, driving around.

I’m pissed with Ever. I think it’s
finally time to end it.

I feel like staying down the coast
tonight, and seeing ‘Charlie’s Angels’ again.

This couple have sat down near me,
with fish and chips and a bottle of champagne. No glasses or
plates. So romantic!!!!!!!

That is the dream. Someone to have
fish and chips and champagne with on the water.

Ever would rather die than do that
with me. Stardust feels so long ago.

That was such a magical night.
What happened???

I love doing things like this on
my own, writing in my diary at sunset on the beach, but I’d like a
boyfriend too.

Oh, the couple do have champagne
glasses!!! Even more romantic.