Silent No More (21 page)

My life couldn’t get any damn worse. I’ve lost the
man I love because I’m a fucking coward and couldn’t tell him the real truth.
God only knows what he thinks of me right now. I wanted to tell him, really I
did, but I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. ‘Silence speaks volumes’ he
told me, and I’m sure mine confirms any lie his father told him.

I want the fucking bastard to die.

I’ve never wished someone dead before. Not even
when he raped me ten years ago. Back then, he stole my virginity, but now he’s
stolen my life.

Isn’t that rich. Now that Nick is gone, I realize
I love him and just how much. My heart feels broken. Nick wanted to rip it out
of my chest; well, he succeeded in doing just that three nights ago. Today is
no different from Friday night. It may be even worse. It’s Monday morning and I
should be at work. Instead, I’m wallowing in my misery.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts when my doorbell
rings. Niko is sitting next to me curled up on the couch. I have no idea where Charmin
is. Nick didn’t take the dogs when he stormed out of my house. I’m sure he
wasn’t thinking clearly and perhaps this is him coming back for his dogs. This thought
really saddens me. Over the last four weeks, I’ve not only fallen in love with
Nick, but I love his two dogs too. 

I throw the blanket off me and finally get up. I
haven’t moved since I sat down last night and cried myself to sleep. I’ve cried
myself to sleep every night since he left. I didn’t know heartbreak could hurt
so much. I guess that’s why they say losing love is like having your heart ripped
out of your chest and broken into millions of pieces. There isn’t enough glue
in the world that could put it back together the same way it was.

I walk over the door and unlock it. It’s not Nick
and I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. It’s his mother, Elaina
Lewis. There is something about the expression she is giving me. I don’t think
she hates me, but I think it’s the look I would give someone if I felt sorry
for them. I don’t need anyone’s pity. I need Nick back.

“Hi,” I say as I step back, opening the door wide
so she can step through the front door. She does and sets her purse on the
floor next to the door. I guess she isn’t staying long. Perhaps Nick sent his
mom for his dogs, but I highly doubt it. She doesn’t look like much of a dog
person. I didn’t realize it before, but his mom looks perfect. Her attire is
pressed and pristine. Her makeup is flawless and her hair is perfectly in place
without a stray one flying out.

“I probably should have called you, but I wasn’t
certain you would be answering any calls. You look like you had a rough night.”
That’s putting it mildly. It’s been a rough few days. 

I walk back over to the couch and sit back in the
same corner I was in before she arrived. Niko had since gotten off the couch
and probably went outside through the doggy door Nick had installed to use his
outdoor potty. Man, it must be a great life to be a dog. Eat, sleep, and shit
on grass. They don’t have to worry about falling in love and having it ripped
away from you.

“You don’t look like you want to rip me apart so
why are you here?” I ask. She might as well get to the point so I can go back
to the depressing misery that is my life.

“You thought I would be mad at you?” she says as
she takes a seat and grabs my left hand into both of hers. Yeah, she definitely
feels sorry for me.

“Why wouldn’t you be? Either you know your
husband’s side of the story, or Nick told you. Either way, it’s still your
husband’s version.” Why couldn’t I just have told him? Would he have believed
me?

“I should have come to see you before now, but I
didn’t want to face the truth.” What does that mean? Did Judge Lewis tell her
before yesterday? Is she the reason he told Nick? I doubt it. He wanted to hurt
me, and he knew taking Nick from me would be the worst thing he could do. He
told me I would pay and I’m certainly doing that.

“What do you mean?” I ask her while pulling my
hand away. I’d rather not be touched right now. She sighs deeply before
responding.

“The day you came to my house, I saw your eyes
when you heard James’ voice. It was a look of pure fear. I knew in that moment
he had done something horrible to you.” She pauses for a brief moment, casting
her eyes down before continuing. “He forced you, didn’t he?”

Shocked, I snap my eyes to hers as she’s looking
back up. Oh my God, she knows. I don’t know how, but she does. Someone else
knows what he did to me. Someone else knows he raped me. I can’t stop the tears
from falling. I’m crying before it registers in my head. Elaina grabs me,
pulling me into an embrace. I sob uncontrollably on someone I barely know.

“I’m so sorry, honey. No one should have to go
through something that traumatic alone.” She is holding me by the back of my
head and rubbing my back with her free hand. I sob in her arms for at least
five minutes, maybe longer. I have this overwhelming feeling of relief, yet I’m
terrified at the same time, if that makes any sense?

I lift my head, pulling out of her embrace, wiping
the remaining tears with the back of my hand. “Does anyone else know?” I ask.

She momentarily looks away before bringing her
eyes back to mine. “No, I didn’t tell Nick, if that’s what you want to know.”

“Oh,” I respond taking a deep breath.

“Shannon, I know James should pay for what he did
to you. Really, I do. No one knows better than me what it’s like to suffer at
the hands of that man.” She takes a large gulp of air before finishing, letting
it out on a sigh. “But I’m here for selfish reasons. I’m here as a mother.
Please, don’t tell Nicholas.”

“What?” I ask, not believing what I’m hearing. I
want to tell Nick. Hell, I want to tell the whole fucking world. Doesn’t she
understand what it’s been like to have kept this secret inside me? All these
years, pretending like it never happened, but never really being able to forget?

“A mother knows their child. If Nicholas ever
finds out, he will kill his father. My son’s life would be over. So I’m begging
you to never see Nicholas again.” I gasp. A migraine starts to take form. Is
she for real?

“Get out,” I say quietly. I don’t know if I’ll
ever be able to tell Nick what his father did to me, but his mother has no
right to ask me not to. She has no right to ask me not to see Nick again. I
love him. I love him more than I’ve ever loved another person.

“Shannon, he’s my son. I’d do anything to protect
him.”

“And I love him. I’d never do anything to hurt him!”
I yell back at her. “I said get out.” She stands, not saying another word, and
quietly retrieves her purse from the door. Before she exits, she gives me one
last pleading look. I slam the door.

Once it’s shut, I turn, pressing my back into the
hardness of the wood and slide down. Niko is at my side the moment my butt hits
the floor. He looks about as sad as I feel. He lies down on the floor with me,
placing his soft head into my lap. I’m amazed at how this animal knows exactly
how and when to comfort me. I lower my head, placing it into my palms and begin
to cry. I’ve cried so much in the last three days.

I wake up on the couch as I have every morning
since Nick walked out of my life eight days ago. I haven’t been able to sleep
in my own bed. The bed where he’s had me in every possible way I can imagine in
the short time we have been together. Every time I go into my room, all I can
see is us and the happiness we once had..

I throw the blanket off me and sit up. Nausea hits
my stomach and the feeling I’m about to vomit washes over me as my mouth starts
to fill with hot saliva. I leap off the couch and race to the guest bathroom. I
don’t even attempt to go to mine. I know I wouldn't make it.

I throw everything up just as the seat hits the
back of the toilet. I’m sweating and hugging the porcelain god. Another wave of
nausea hits and I vomit again. I don’t know how I have anything in my stomach
to release. I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning, and even then, it was more
nibbling on food than anything.

I faintly hear knocking at my door, but I’m too
spent to get up. I don’t know if I’m finished puking my brains out yet. My back
aches and my head is throbbing.

Great!

A migraine is just what I need to top my day off,
and it’s still early in the morning. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.
Yeah, I know, gross, but I don’t care. I haven’t showered in a few days so
what’s more grossness?

“Oh my God, are you okay?” I hear Nikki say from
the entryway to the bathroom. I look up from the toilet and turn my head as she
enters the bathroom. She kneels down next to me and places her hand on my
forehead. I attempt to throw up more contents from my stomach. Apparently,
nothing is left as I’m only dry heaving.

Nikki stands up, and a few seconds later, I hear
running water from the sink. The water doesn’t run long before she is kneeling
back down to the floor next to me. She rubs a cool cloth over my face. It feels
good, much better than the back of my hand. She reaches over me and flushes the
toilet.

“Thanks,” I murmur as I sit back on my butt,
against the tub. I’m zapped and I only just woke up. Less than two months ago,
I had the flu, but this feels worse.

“You look like pure shit. Get up! I’m taking you
to see a doctor.” She stands and reaches for my hands, pulling me off the
floor. I feel like shit too.

“I don’t want to go see a doctor. I just need to
lie down,” I tell her.

“You’re going, but first you are showering and
putting on clean clothes. You smell, and I’m around smelly people all day long.
When was the last time you bathed?” she asks. A couple of days…surely not
longer than that, but hell, I don’t know really. When was the last time my life
wasn’t scattered on the floor being trampled on? That’s a better question.

“Fine,” I concede as I follow her out of the
bathroom. I walk down the hall into my room and enter the bathroom. I start to
pull off my top as Nikki starts the water.

“I’m going to go feed the dogs. I’ll be in the
living room when you’re ready.” She exits the bathroom as I’m entering the shower.
The hot water hits my body like sharp needles. I yelp, but after a few seconds,
the piercing feeling subsides and starts to feel better. 

I wash my hair and use some of Nick’s body wash to
clean myself. It, along with a few articles of clothing, is all I have that
still smells like him. I’ll take every little fix I can get. I miss him like
crazy and my heart still hurts. The pain there continues to get worse with each
passing day. I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds. That hasn’t
happened for me. It’s only been one week, so maybe I haven’t given it enough
time. I don’t want more time…I just want…him.

I turn off the water once I have rinsed all the
soap off my body. I step out and towel off. I walk up to the sink and brush my
teeth for the first time in a couple of days. Gross…I know. I do a quick blow
dry of my hair. I don’t have the strength to stand here for five minutes, so a
lot of it is still damp.

Walking out of the bathroom, I head into my closet
where I put on a clean pair of panties and a bra. I don’t bother with getting a
matching pair. I don’t care what I look like. I grab my black Nine-Inch-Nails
t-shirt that says “NIN” across the front, from a hanger and pull it over my
head. I toss the hanger to the floor and retrieve a pair of ripped blue jeans.
They are my favorite and I need every bit of comfort I can get right now.

Tossing the hanger to the floor, I put each leg
into the pants and pull them up. I button them and find they are a little snug.
Just perfect! A side effect of my break-up and not eating is weight gain. The
day just gets better and better!

I grab my socks and tennis shoes, sit down, put
them on and tie the laces. I stand up and feel a little light headed, but not
so nauseous as before my shower.

I walk out into the living room and see Nikki at
the kitchen sink. She is loading the dishwasher with all my dirty dishes.

“Thanks, but you didn’t have to do that.” I bend
down and pet Charmin on the top of her head. I haven’t been a good dog parent
in the last week. They aren’t even my dogs. They are probably the reason Nikki
is here. Nick must have asked her to come get them.

“They’re done now, so let’s just go. Are you
feeling any better?” she asks as she presses the start button on the machine.
She is looking at me, but I can’t read her. She looks torn and sad, like she
wants to say something, but doesn’t at the same time.

“A little,” I reply as she walks past me to the
front door. I follow and close up behind me. She walks to her red Jeep
Wrangler. I wouldn’t have pictured her driving this. “I wouldn’t have pictured
you driving this type of vehicle.”

“Oh, this is Jason’s truck. He took my car in to
get serviced this morning. His truck is all right and all, but it does not
compare to my Mercedes that Nick got me for my birthday.” she replies excitedly
as she walks around to the driver’s side.

I climb in and shut my door. She does the same and
starts the truck. She drives to a local medical clinic not far from my house.
We go in and I sign my name on the sign-in sheet. I have never been here before,
so I have to give them all my information before I take a seat to wait. The
wait isn’t long at all. Nikki is quiet. She has been biting her nails since she
got into the truck.

I’m sure she is feeling somewhat uncomfortable
sitting next to me. I’m sure Nick told her everything, well, everything from
the version his father told him. It wasn’t the truth, but she doesn’t know
that. God, what she must think of me?

“Miss Taylor?” I hear my name called. I get up and
walk to the nurse calling my name. Nikki follows me. My temperature and weight
is taken. My temperature is normal, but I’ve gained six pounds which would
account for the tight pants.

The nurse asks us to follow her to a small room
where we are to wait to see the doctor. The nurse closes the door behind her as
she exits. I take a seat on the exam table and Nikki sits in one of the hard
chairs in the room. She is avoiding looking at me.

“You didn’t have to come with me. I appreciate it,
but it wasn’t necessary. I can only imagine what you must think of me.” I lay
back on the table and throw my arm over my eyes. My life sucks right now and I
don’t know how I ended up here.

“Shannon,” Nikki starts, “I
−
I don’t think anything bad of you. How could I?”
she says.

“How could you not?” I tell her. Before she can
respond, the doctor walks in. He is a middle-aged man with dark hair that has
just started to grey on the sides. He has a warm smile. I sit up as he takes a seat
on a rolling stool.

“Miss Taylor, please tell me what brought you here
today. How are you feeling?” he asks and waits for my response. I tell him
about the nausea and vomiting. The way it came on without warning, but isn’t
really present at this moment.

“Could you be pregnant?” he asks and I’m caught
off guard. I'm not expecting him to say that at all. I know I’m not pregnant.
I’ve been on birth control since I was fourteen.

“No, sir. I’m on the pill,” I tell him. Nikki’s
eyes grow wide, but she doesn’t have anything to worry about. I’m not pregnant.

“When was your last menstrual cycle?” He is
staring at me, waiting for a response, the same as Nikki. I’m wracking my
brain. It’s not something I generally keep up with, but I’m pretty sure it was
right before I met Nick. I haven’t started again since meeting him. I look up
at the doctor.

No I couldn’t be...

“About six weeks, I think.” He’s jotting a note
down in a chart. My chart. No, there has to be another reason. I’m not
pregnant.

“Let’s do a blood test to be sure. I’ll have my
nurse come in and take a sample in a few minutes.” He stands up and walks out
of the room. I’m sitting here not knowing
 
what to do. Nikki isn’t saying anything
at all. If anything, she is biting her nails more.

“Would you please stop biting your nails and say
something. Whatever it is, just say it,” I tell her. I need a distraction from
what might be about to happen. I’ve always wanted children, but I always
pictured myself happily married, which I am not. I’m not even happily in love.
Yes, I know I’m in love with Nick, but there is nothing happy about our
situation right now. Our relationship is nonexistent.

 “I kno…,” she pauses, hesitating. “Nick
misses you. He’s miserable without you,” she says, making my heart constrict.
If that were the case, why hasn’t he come back? Why doesn't he give me the
benefit of the doubt instead of assuming? Granted, I didn’t say anything. I
couldn’t.

The nurse enters before I can speak. She takes a
sample of my blood. A rather large sample and it hurts like hell. I hate
needles. She exits the room, and I’m left waiting for answers that could change
my life forever.

We wait in silence for what feels like ages. I
start to wonder what is taking so long. Please just come in here and tell me
already. The waiting is killing me and making my nerves skyrocket. 

“How long does fucking blood take to analyze?” Nikki
shouts from her chair. I want to do the same. Finally, a few minutes later the
doctor walks in. He doesn’t sit down. I’m not sure if I should take this as a
good or bad sign.

“The test was positive, Miss Taylor.” He says
something else, but I don’t hear him. "I’m pregnant" is screaming in
my head making the outside world a blur.

“Shannon,” Nikki says, shaking my shoulders. She
is now standing next to me. I never saw her get out of her chair.

“Huh?” I ask and look up at her. She gestures to
the doctor and I turn my head to look at him.

“I was saying, I'm guessing you’re around four-to-six
weeks. I can’t be certain until you have a sonogram. I would suggest scheduling
an appointment as soon as possible with your Ob-Gyn. You also need to start a
vitamin regimen. You primary doctor can make a suggestion. You are now free to
go now, Miss Taylor, unless you have questions?” He hands Nikki a slip of paper
as I’m hopping down off the counter.

“No, I don’t,” I tell him as I follow Nikki out of
the exam room and to the counter where she hands a lady the paper. Nikki pays
my co-pay and we leave. I get in the truck and sit there. Reality has already
hit me, but I don’t know what to do.

“Is it Nick’s?” she asks me. “I know you guys have
been together for about that long, but Nick also told me you were engaged right
before you two hooked up.” She starts the truck and pulls out.

“Hooked up?” Wow. That makes me sound like a slut.
I know she didn’t mean it that way, but it wasn’t the comment I needed to
hear. “Yes, it’s Nick’s baby.” I don’t go into details and tell her I
hadn’t had sex with my ex in months prior to meeting her brother. What is the
point? What am I going to do? The father of my child hates me. Hell, his sister
probably does too, even if she is being rather nice to me.

“You have to tell him. This will change everything
for you two. I was serious when I told you he misses you.” She is pleading with
me. I have no intention of keeping this from Nick. He has every right to know.

“Yes, of course I’m going to tell him, but how is
that going to change a damn thing? You told me he doesn’t want kids, remember?
Please take me home. I just need to go and see him and figure all of this out.”
I pull my seat belt on as she is putting the truck in reverse. I sit quietly
trying to come up with what I’m going to say exactly. I don’t have the
slightest clue.

When we arrive at my house, I step out of the
truck mumbling a thank you as I walk straight to my car. She pulls away and I
pull out of my driveway to head to LP.

* * * * *

My phone rings as I settle down into the driver’s
seat in my car. I rise up to pull out my cell from the back pocket of my jean.
Looking at the display screen, it’s Teresa Matthews. Ughh…Why is she calling
me? I just met with her close to two weeks ago. That meeting didn’t exactly go
well. I contemplate not answering, but I’m on my way to LP anyways so I answer.

“Hello,” I greet into the phone.

“Hi Miss Taylor. It’s Teresa Matthews from
Lockhart Publishing. I hope I did not catch you at a bad time.” Her voice is
high pitched and she doesn’t sound like herself. Not that I know her that well.
I’ve only had a handful of meetings with the woman.