Silent No More (22 page)

“What can I do for you?” I ask her. I don’t want
to be on the phone with her, but at least she will distract me for a few
minutes from thinking about what I’m going to say when I see Nick.

“I need to meet with you regarding a few details
before the book goes off to print. I was hoping you could come by right now.” I
really hate her voice. I know I’m being a jealous bitch because she has had sex
with Nick before. That fact really bothers me.

“Sure, I can be there in about 20-30 minutes,” I
tell her since I’m already on my way. I don’t want to deal with her, but I
might as well get it out of the way while I’m clean and dressed. After I leave
Nick’s office, I don’t know how I’m going to feel. I don’t want to go back into
the self-pity state I’ve been in for a week.

“Great,” she beams through the phone. She’s a
little overly excited. “Please come straight to Nicholas’ office. I’ll meet you
there.

“Okay,” I say as she ends the call. I really need
to see Nick before I see her. I have to tell him our news. She can wait. 

I arrive twenty-five minutes later pulling into
the underground parking lot. I take a deep breath before I exit the car. I
notice the dash clock reads 11:16 am. When I get out, I walk quickly to the
elevator. I have to get up there so I don’t chicken out. Not because I don’t
want to tell him, but because it’s been over a week since I’ve seen him, and I
don’t know if I’ll be able to not beg him to take me back.

The ride up to the eleventh floor feels slow as my
anxiety rises. As I exit, there is no one out front. Rachel must be at lunch.
The office sounds quiet as I make my way to Nick’s door. I knock lightly and
try the doorknob. It’s unlocked.

I swing the door open and go to walk in. I hear
voices and look up. I freeze and cover my mouth so I don’t scream. I see
Teresa’s bare back. She is sitting up and is leaning a fraction back on his
desk. I can’t see her face, but I know it’s her and she is naked. She is
blocking my view of Nick and they haven’t noticed me. They are fucking. I feel
like someone just stabbed me in the heart and punched me in the stomach at the
same time.

Oh God, I’m going to be sick. I back out of the
door and take off running;. I can’t stay up here. I head for the east set of
stairs and run down a few floors. I need a bathroom before I puke on the floor.
I enter a door on the eighth floor. I don’t know what company is on this floor,
but I find a bathroom as quickly as I can.

When I enter, I go into the first stall and throw
up. Barely anything comes up. I know it’s disgusting, but I cross my arms over
the toilet seat and start crying. I feel my phone vibrating in my back pocket.
I don’t bother with taking it out. I can’t talk to anyone. What if it’s her? Oh
God, what if it’s him?

I know I don’t have a right to be upset, but I am.
I know I’m not his girlfriend any longer, but this fucking hurts worse than
anything I could have ever imagined. I just want the pain to stop. I feel like
it’s going to consume me.

I sit back on my knees and flush the toilet. The
sobs have quieted down and I stand up.

My phone vibrates again.

I exit the stall, go to the sink and wash my
hands. I feel dirty and nasty. I splash cool water on my face and towel it off.
I exit the bathroom and locate the elevator.

I exit on the ground level and find my way to my
car. I feel the vibration of my phone again, but I leave it tucked in my back
pocket. I can’t speak to anyone right now. I crank my car and pull out of the
parking spot. I see Nick’s car as I exit onto the road with tears pooling into
my eyes.

I turn onto the road in the opposite direction to
my house. Without thinking, I head to Katelyn and Stacy’s apartment as Poison’s
“Every Rose has its Thorn” starts to play through my speakers. I don’t call. I
don’t want to take the chance to talk myself out of it. I don’t know if there
is enough alcohol that is going to take what I’m feeling away. I stop at a red
light and bang my forehead on my steering wheel. God…I can’t even have any
alcohol. 

I’m not blaming my baby, but damn. Can a girl not
get a break? The light turns green and I continue on my way. I wipe the tears
from each side of my cheeks with the back of my hand.

When I reach their apartment, I park out front.
Katelyn’s car is here so I’m grateful she is home. I’m not sure what I’m going
to tell her. I’ve been avoiding my friends' calls for a few days now. Either
they know, or they have an idea of what is going on because they haven’t stopped
calling me in the last few days.

I run up the stairs two at a time. I can’t get to
her door fast enough. I knock harder than I intend and wait. She doesn’t take
long to answer.

“Shannon, oh my God. Honey, what’s wrong?” She
takes one look at my blotchy red face and pulls me into a warm embrace. I rest
my head on her shoulder. It’s the comfort I’ve needed for a week. I regret not
coming before now. I’ve been keeping my friends out, and it’s not fair to them
or me. I still have people who care about me, even if it’s not the one person I
really want right now.

“I should probably go, Katie,” Shane says as he’s
getting off the couch.
Katie? Since when does
she go by Katie? In the moment, I regretted not coming, now I regret being here.
I pick my head off her shoulder and she releases me. I had stopped crying
before I got out of my car.

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt,” I
tell him. Katelyn intercedes before he can respond.

“Shannon, you didn’t, but even if you did, it
wouldn’t matter. You are my friend. Go sit on the couch and I’ll bring you a
glass of wine,” she tells me. God…how do I explain I can’t drink?

“Baby, I’ll call you later,” I hear her tell Shane
as he’s walking out of the door. Once the door is closed, she turns to head
into the kitchen.

“No wine,” I yell from the living room.

“Honey, I think you need it,” she yells back.
Hell…here I go.

“I’m pregnant,” I confess. There is silence for a
split second, and then there’s the sound of glass hitting the floor and
breaking. Well…she wasn’t expecting that.

“WHAT?” She comes running back into the living
room. Her eyes are wide and she’s in shock. Maybe I should have broken the news
to her differently. “Oh! My! Fucking! God!” She says each word like they are
each a sentence of their own.

“Yeah,” I reply as she takes a seat next to me.
She takes my left hand, entwining it in hers, and squeezes.

“Does he know yet?” she asks.

“No.” Then I proceed to tell her the events I
witnessed in his office. By the time I’m finished, I’m crying again. I just
want all of this to stop. My heart aches so much. How do I make it stop
hurting?

“That’s…odd,” she tells me. “Shane told me that
Nicholas has been a mess, and he’s never seen him act the way he has for the
past few days.” I have no idea what that means, but I don’t ask her. She
releases me and stands up. “I’m going to get you a glass of water. Stay put.”

“And some aspirin, please,” I say as I rub my
fingers across my forehead, above my eyebrows where the same migraine still
lingers. The intensity is increasing. I want to lay down and forget about
today. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the sight of Nick having sex with someone
else out of my brain. Katelyn returns a few minutes later placing two pills
into the palm of my hand.

“It’s Tylenol. I remember when my sister was pregnant
that’s all she could take,” she tells me with a shrug. I pop the pills into my
mouth and reach for the tall glass of water she brought me. I swallow a gulp
and then hand her the glass back.

“So what happened? Shane swears he doesn’t know,
and you haven’t been taking anyone’s calls.” She takes a seat on the other end
of the couch. She sits facing me with a leg tucked under her butt.

Fuck.

What do I tell her? Obviously not the truth, but I
opt for a semi-truth.

“I used to work for Nick’s father,” I murmur. She
crunches her eyes together. “Back in high school,” I clarify. I reach for my
glass of water and take a long sip using the time to sort out exactly what I
want to tell her.

“Okay, so what does that have to do with you and
Nicholas?” she asks when I take longer than I should.

“Last week, Nick’s dad told him something that
wasn’t true and he believed him,” I say, blowing out a breath I didn’t realize
I was holding in.

“What did he say?” she deadpans.

“Can we talk about it later? I have a migraine. I
want to lie down.” I feel bad for brushing off her question, but it’s not like
I’m going to tell her, and this is the easiest way to end the conversation. She
eyes me like she knows exactly what I’m doing.

“Fine. We can talk later when your headache is
gone. Why don’t you go get in my bed? It’s dark in my room.”

With that, I stand up and head off down the short
hall to her room. Closing the door, I kick off my shoes and crawl into her bed.
The mattress is soft and the covers are fluffy. Like she said, the room is
dark, pitch black to be exact.

I shut my eyes only to open them a minute later.
The throbbing in my head is pounding like the beat of a drum. I turn over onto
my stomach and bury my head under her pillow. It doesn’t help. I can’t think
beyond the need to drive a knife through my skull. If only that would relieve
the pain, I would certainly do it.

I flip over onto my back and stare at the ceiling;
I can’t see in this dark room. After an hour or so of repeating this, I manage
to dose off.

When I awake, I don’t know how long I was out, but
the throbbing inside my head is gone. Thank you, Jesus. Grabbing the blanket, I
rip it off and sit up. Walking carefully in the direction of the door, I open
it. The light flowing down the hall from the living room is enough so that I’m
able to see my shoes lying on the floor. I bend down and scoop them into my arms
and walk out, shutting the door quietly behind me.

As I make my way down the hall, I hear soft
voices. It’s Katelyn and Stacy. They are talking in the kitchen. I make my way
in that direction. I pull out a chair in front of the bar that looks into the
kitchen and hop onto the seat. Both heads fly up like they’ve been caught with
a hand in the cookie jar. I’m assuming I was the topic of their conversation.

“You’re awake,” Katelyn says.

“Obviously,” I deadpan. “What’s that smell?” I ask
before she comes back with a smart ass comment to my sarcasm.

“Spaghetti and meatballs,” she tells me. “I
thought you might need comfort food.”

“You know me too well,” I smile. Spaghetti is one
of my favorite dishes and one of the only meals I can cook. Hers smells better
than mine. She comes from a large Italian family, so I can’t be mad.

“Are you okay?” Stacy finally speaks. Am I okay?
Not sure that is the right question to ask, but I know she is only trying to be
nice.

“Peachy,” I say with a force smiled. They both
roll their eyes at me.

“You don’t have to sound like a bitch,” Stacy
spits back. I gape are her.

“Food's ready. I was about to wake you. Let’s
eat.” Katelyn says as she opens a cabinet and removes three large, round white
plates.

I hop off the chair and make my way into the
kitchen to fix my dish. I feel like I haven’t eaten in days. Honestly, I’m
hungry, and now, I really need to eat considering there is now a child inside
me. That’s about as much as I let myself think about the little minion growing
in my belly. I’ll have plenty of time for that later, when I’m by myself.

After I pile a generous helping onto my plate, I
grab a piece of fresh garlic bread, adding it to my plate before making my way
to their dining table.

We all eat in silence, each one of us staring at
the other every so often. This isn't the comfortable silence I usually have in
the company of my friends. This is the silence where everyone wants to say
something, but no one does for fear of saying the wrong thing.

“How long was I out?” I ask, trying to break the
silence among us.

“Five or six hours,” Katelyn says through a mouth
full of bread. This woman can devour bread. She loves it. I don’t know how she
stays slender.

We fall back into silence throughout the rest of
dinner. Once I’m done and all the plates are piled into the sink, I tell my
friends I’m heading home. It’s late and I ache all over. A shower and a bed is
what I need. Not to mention the dogs are probably starving. I don’t recall
feeding them this morning.

“You don’t have to leave. You are welcome to spend
the night here,” Katelyn says as she pours a glass of wine for herself. It
looks good. I can just imagine the crisp, wet and cool liquid sliding down her
throat as she takes a sip. Damn her.

“No, but
thanks. I want to go home,” I tell them as I give both a hug and then exit
their apartment. And I do want to be at home. I’m just not so sure it’s the
escape I’m looking for.

It’s day number nine without Nick. He hasn’t even
come back for his dogs. Why, I’m not sure. In a way, I’m somewhat thankful. I
don’t know how I would have survived our breakup without their comfort.

This is all…so unfair.

Had I known this was the kind of pain that comes
from love, I would have avoided it and run the other way. Yeah, I’m lying to
myself, but this is what I need right now. The moment Nicholas Lockhart entered
my life, I was his; my heart was his. I just didn’t know it that short time
ago.

Yesterday, I walked into LP to tell Nick I was
pregnant with his baby, but instead, I found him having sex with Teresa Matthews.
That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. My heart was ripped from my chest.
I’ve never known that much pain before. Not even everything his father took
from me hurt as much as seeing that.

I know he didn’t cheat on me like Luke did. When
he walked out of my house, because I was too much of a coward to tell him the
truth, I knew we were over. He told me we were done. But everything inside of
me belongs to him - from my lips, neck, and breasts, to my body and the heart
inside it. It’s all his, no matter if he wants me or not. I belong to him, and Goddammit,
he belongs to me.

I did this to myself. I know that much. I’m
hurting because I couldn’t bring myself to say the words I spent so many years
refusing to remember. There are just some things a person can’t tell someone
else, no matter how much they want to. I couldn’t get it out of my mouth. I
couldn’t tell him his dad raped me.

Everything I never faced, never dealt with ten years
ago, has crushed my future with the only man I’ve ever loved.

Isn’t it ironic? I didn’t know how much I cared,
how much I loved him until I didn’t have him any longer. If I could go back and
do it all over, knowing what I know now, I can’t be certain I would have made a
different decision. I don’t know if I would have told him. I wanted to, really
I did. I just couldn’t. How do you say to someone you should have been able to
trust, hurt you, stole your innocence? It’s been so many years and I still
don’t know how to do it. How to talk. How to speak the truth.

I’m brought out of my sad misery when I hear screeching
tires outside of my house. For a brief moment, I’m praying it’s Nick. I need
him so badly. I need someone to take all the pain and hurt away. I know he is
the only one that can.

I get off the couch to walk to the door when I
hear someone trying to unlock the door. Nick is the only other person with a
key so my heart is racing because I know it has to be him.

I’m about five feet from the door when it flies
open. I suck in a deep breath. It’s not Nick. It’s the monster in every one of
my nightmares. Nick’s father is standing in the doorway.

His grey eyes are blazing with a dark fire. He’s
angry. He’s holding a key in front of his chest so I can see it. “The spare key
under a cushion? How stupid can you be?” he says as he tosses it to the floor.
I take a step back.

“Get out of my house,” I tell him. It’s weak and
barely audible. He steps closer to me and reaches out with his right hand
grabbing my throat in his hand. He squeezes tight. It hurts.

“Telling my daughter wasn’t the smartest thing for
you. I told you if you told anyone, you would regret it.” He tightens his grip
and pushes my back into a wall. My head hits the wall with the force of his
hand. It hurts, but not enough to make me see stars.

“Stop.” I force out. “Please, I didn’t tell her.”
I’m begging him.

“You’re a lying little bitch. She paid me a visit
this morning and took a swing at me. Her own fucking father, because of you!”
He’s shouting at me and I’m trying to push him away. It only makes him more
forceful.

“Please.” I continue to beg and push him. If he
hurts me then he hurts my baby too. I can’t let him hurt my baby, Nick’s baby.

“That’s right, Shannon. Keep begging because it
only makes me harder. I never forgot the first time I fucked you. You were the
best piece I’ve ever had. I plan on having you again before this is over.”

No. Not again.

He releases my jaw only to gather both of my hands,
pulling them above my head. He holds both in a vice grip with one hand. I
continue to struggle in his hold. With his free hand, he skims down my tank top
and I regret taking off my bra when I came home last night. His lips land hard
on mine. A moment later, his hand is in the waistband of my shorts. I’m
starting to freak out. I can’t think straight. If only I could calm down, I
might be able to think what to do. What was the point of all those boxing
classes if I can’t put them to use?

He uses his knee to pry my legs apart. His hands
slide further down and into my panties. I shut my eyes tight as I can possibly
get them as he shoves a finger inside of me. It hurts. I’m dry down there as he
tries to put another in.

“Motherfucker!” he shouts. My hands are released,
and the groping down in my underwear stops. Niko’s growl registers in my head,
causing me to look down. He’s bit James’ left hand and Niko continues growling
and showing his teeth. He looks vicious. Something I’ve never seen from Nick’s
dog.

“This isn’t over, my little whore,” he says to me
as he’s backing out the front door.

He isn’t looking at me. He keeps his eyes on Niko.
When he’s out of the entryway and gone, I run to it, closing and locking it as
fast as my fingers will do it. I lean against the door, trying to calm myself.
It isn’t working. I take off, racing to my bathroom. I turn the shower to hot.
I have to get his touch off me. I can’t have any part of him on me.

I strip out of all my clothes and get in the
shower. I grab Nick’s body wash and pour all that’s left onto my bath loofah. I
scrub every inch of my body. All I can feel is him all over me and inside me as
I get every part of me clean.

I rinse all the soap off and turn off the water. I
step out and towel dry. I don’t bother with drying my hair. Opening the door to
the bathroom, I walk to my closet and put on a pair of panties. Nick’s clothes are
still here and I need something to comfort me. I grab one of his white dress
shirts off a hanger and put it on.

I’m standing in my closet as the tears form in my
eyes. I can’t hold them back and I don’t want to. They slide down my cheeks as
I slide down to the floor. I scoot back into the back of the closet and
continue to sob. I wrap my arms around my knees to hug myself. How I wish Nick
was here to hold me.

I rock myself and continue to cry until there are
no more tears. I cry for hours. I cry for all the times I never let myself cry
so long ago. Finally, I lay myself on the floor in my closet. I’m spent and
tired, and I let my eyes close, not wanting to move. Just wanting to forget.

* * * * *

I wake up to my name being called, or yelled
rather. I’m exhausted and still lying on the floor in my closet. I don’t know
how long I’ve been here, but I’m cold and my body aches.

“Shannon, where the fuck are you?” I start to
breathe rapidly, thinking he’s back to finish what he started earlier. Then it
registered that it’s Nick’s voice. His tone is etched with panic. He’s here and
he’s in my room. I look up to see him walking into the closet. I see blue
intense eyes looking down at me. It’s almost enough to start the waterfall of
tears again. God…I’ve missed those eyes.

“What the fuck happened out there? Why are you
lying on the floor?” he asks as he squats down, resting his elbows on his
knees. The panic I think I heard in his voice moments ago has faded. He pulls
me off the floor with gentle hands, and I leap into his arm almost causing him
to fall backwards. He catches himself and me by grabbing onto the doorframe.

I don’t care what he did yesterday in his office,
with her. I need him. I need this. I don’t care about the horrible things he
said to me last week. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I begin to cry again. I
didn’t think I had any tears left, but apparently, I do. He wraps my bare legs
around his waist as he stands up.

Exiting the closet, he walks to my side of the
bed. He tries to release me, but I shake my head no and hold onto him tighter.

Taking a deep sigh, he heads out of my bedroom
door, carrying me down the hall into the living room. His shirt that I’m
wearing is long enough so it covers my panties and the tops of my thighs.

“Jase, get her a glass of water, please,” he says
as he is walking over to the couch. I’m hiding my face against his neck when I
hear his sister’s voice. It’s shaky…nervous.

“Shannon, are you okay?” she asks me, but I can’t
respond to her question. I’m not okay, but I’m better now that Nick is here. I
can’t bring myself to release him. If I do, he might leave. He can’t leave me.
Not again. I can’t handle that.

Nick sits on the couch, bringing me down onto his
lap with him. I unwrap my legs to place them on each side of his thighs on the
couch. Nick pries my arms loose from his neck and shoulders, pushing me back so
we are face to face. When I look at him, he isn’t staring back at me. Something
else has caught his attention.

“Who the fuck did that?” he yells; his eyes are
wide and filled with alarm. He’s looking at my throat, and I know from his
stare, there must be a bruise from earlier today. I start to tear up, burying
my face back in his neck again. I shed more tears. When are they going to
fucking end? I don’t want to cry. Not over that worthless bastard, but I am,
and I can’t stop.

“Oh God!” I hear Nikki’s voice. “He was here,
wasn’t he?” she asks and I know it’s directed at me. I remain silent and still
as I keep my face buried. I hear something being placed on the table nearest
the couch. I realize then my throat is parched. Water would be nice right now.

Nick’s holding me tightly; this is what I need.
Please don’t take this from me, I silently pray. “Who was here? Who the fuck
are you talking about, Nikki?” Nick asks his sister. She ignores him.

“I know what he did to you. My mom told me. I’m so
sorry, Shannon. This is all…my fault. Oh God, did my dad…” She trails off, not
being able to finish her sentence. I shake my head from side-to-side indicating
no. She knows. Nikki knows what he did. Someone else knows he raped me. My mind
is reeling in all directions. The water I need is forgotten.

Nick’s body tenses up. He grabs my head with both
hands, pulling me away from him. His eyes grow wider and they are wild. “My
father did this? He hurt you?” he asks. I nod as more tears slide town my
cheeks.

“I’m going to fucking murder him.” His eyes are on
fire and I know he’s serious. I can’t let him do that. His mom was right. No
matter how much I want his father dead, I can’t let Nick ruin his life, our
life, our child’s life. The sick bastard isn’t worth that.

“No, Nick. You can’t. I won’t let you do that,” I
say to him in a pleading tone.

“The fuck I can’t,” he barks back to me.

“Shannon,” Nikki starts and I look at her. “You
have to tell him. Forget what my mom said and tell Nick the truth. Please…or I
will,” she begs, gesturing at Nick with a nod of her head in his direction. I
turn my face to the left looking away from her and Nick.

“What’s my sister talking about?” he asks me as
he’s guiding my face back to face him. I just stare at him, not saying
anything. I can’t do it. I can’t tell him. He’s going to leave again and I
can’t say the fucking words. Just like last week, I’m silent.

“Get out,” he says, but it’s not aimed at me, even
though he isn’t taking his eyes off mine.

“Excuse me?” Nikki says.

“You and Jase need to leave, now. This is between
Shannon and me.” Nick pauses for a brief second. “Nikki, I’m not asking, so
just go.” Nick still doesn’t break eye contact with me. I notice Nikki
hesitating from my peripherals. She sighs, and then exits my house.

“Don’t do anything stupid, man,” Jase says as he
goes to follows Nikki out the door.

“Jase?” Nick says, and it seems like a question,
causing me to look at Jase standing in the entryway.

“I’ll take care of it,” he says, and then the door
closes and we are alone. Even the dogs are nowhere in sight. He continues
staring at me for several minutes. His mind is working, but I have no idea what
he’s thinking.

He places his hands gently on each side of my face
and pulls me closer to him. He pulls me forward until his lips are touching
mine, causing my body to relax into the kiss. After a few seconds, I collapse
onto his chest, breaking our tender kiss.

“God, I’ve missed that. I’ve missed you. I’ve been
in fucking hell for over a week,” he tells me as he wraps his right arm around
my back and puts his left hand on my face, holding me to his chest. He takes a
deep breath, expanding his chest beneath me, and then slowly exhales. 

“I’m a fucking idiot, aren’t I?” he asks as he
leans his head on the back of the couch and releases me to run his hands
through his hair.

I push off his chest and stare at him. I don’t
know how I’m going to tell him, but I know I have to. I just don’t know where
to begin. The rape, the baby, the attempted rape again, or Teresa. This is all
so fucked up. There is too much shit we need to talk about.