Singing Heart (40 page)

She didn’t enlighten him to the truth.

He continued. “He got worse. Every day. I thought he’d lost his mind… like Pa. He drank heavily…had blackouts and fierce headaches that got more painful in time. Dr. Merrylynde died a few years ago and this younger doctor from Boston took over his practice. Sean went to see him for some medicine to ease the pain. Dr. Micklin was the one that told us he was ill...needed an operation…to relieve the pressure on his brain. That’s what caused him to be violent. Act out of character. To forget things. But the only place he could have that surgery is here. There’s a doctor that has had great success with his patients.”

Xzan felt dizzy. Sick to her stomach. Her voice came from far away. She swayed clutching the mantle for support.

She licked dry lips. “Has he had the operation yet?”

He shook his head. “Not yet. The medicine makes him sleep most of the time. Since you left we sold the farm and made the trip out here he’s been like a dead man. He doesn’t care if he lives or dies. The only reason he agreed to come at all was because the letter came from your legal advisers and he found out you were alive, living in this area.”

Robert sipped on his coffee wiggling his bare toes near the blazing fire. He was beginning to get warmer and had stopped shaking with the cold. “He was devastated that you wanted a divorce. Decided then and there he’d come to England and have the operation so he could find you and try to win you back.”

She knew there was more. She felt faint with the shock of it all.

Robert frowned. “The only problem is that when we got here he lost his nerve. Saw how fancy everything was. Realized he would never have anything to offer you except himself. He refused to have the operation…went to bed…has stayed there sleeping the past month… literally willing himself to die. He barely eats…has lost so much weight.” Robert’s voice trailed off desolately.

She burst into tears. He let her cry keeping his distance. Waiting. Hoping he hadn’t misjudged her.

“
Where is he? Is it too late to see him tonight?”

Robert beamed. “It’s cold outside…an hour away.”

She didn’t even hesitate. Ran all over the house gathering up the things she would need. Xzan wrote a note to her brother asking him to take the children back to her parent’s house promising that she would explain later. She told him not to worry if she were gone a few days. Bundled up in numerous petticoats wearing her warmest green velvet dress, a fur lined cape with a matching muffler and gloves she was tying on her bonnet when Robert cleared his throat to get her attention.

“
What is it?”

He had seen the toys lying around and one of Becky’s tiny mittens.

“
It ain’t none of my business…I’m dying to know.”

He pointed to the telltale signs of children living in the house. She hesitated then decided she could trust him.

“
Twins. A boy and a girl. They’re two and a half years old. They’re at my parent’s house tonight visiting my brother’s family. I would prefer we didn’t mention them to Sean yet.”

Robert grinned knowingly. “I agree. I don’t think he’ll get over the shock of seeing you for awhile. It might be too much if he knew he had babies too.”

He eyed her teeny figure. “Twins huh?” teasingly.

She told him all about the children as they rode. She had insisted on taking the carriage which was warmer and much more comfortable than riding the horses and being completely exposed to the elements. The time passed quickly they both had so much to catch up on. Before she knew it they were pulling up in front of a small house about the same size as hers. It was dark inside. As if the dwellers had gone to bed. But she heard Kerrie crooning a lullaby as Robert opened the ponderous front door.

She had put on more than a few pounds but it really did look good on her. Xzan rushed to embrace her and the little boy who was the splitting image of Robert with a tiny shock of red hair. Kerrie smiled serenely once the greetings were over settled back into her rocker sighing contentedly.

“
I knew you’d come.”

They shed their extra clothing, warming themselves by the grate before Xzan asked to be directed to her husband. Robert led her to a small chamber in the back of the house. A fire glowed warmly in the hearth. She barely recognized the gaunt form snoring loudly in the bed. His feet hung over the mattress sticking out of the covers. He looked so old laying there. Wasted away. His hair was dull and lifeless and he had a grayish pallor. It was obvious his was an unnatural sleep either alcohol or drug induced.

“
Sean…” Robert called softly.

Sean didn’t stir. His cousin came closer nudging his arm gently saying his name louder. Still he didn’t respond. Xzan thought maybe she’d have more luck. She sent her cousin-in-law out of the room. Striding determinedly to the bed imitating Shauna’s firm voice she demanded.

“
Sean Aaron Fenierre…wake up this instant!”

His eyes shot open in confusion. “Mama?”

He knew he must be dreaming. The vision that greeted him was too heavenly to be real. He blinked hard rubbing his eyelids and swallowing convulsively.

“
Xzan?”

“
Scoot over. It’s cold out here.” she ordered bossily.

He did as he was told making room for her to sit on the bed beside him pulling the comforter around her feet.

“
Am I dead?” he mused to no one in particular.

She pinched him. “Does that feel dead?”

“
Ouch!”

She giggled laying a cold foot on his side. He jumped yelping in misery.

“
Does that answer your question?”

He reached out weakly to take her tiny feet into his bony hands.

“
You’re frozen.”

“
I braved the freezing wind and blinding snow just to come see you.” she teased.

“
Robert brought you here?”

She nodded. “He figured someone needed to talk some sense into you.”

His mouth was grim.

“
He wasted his time.”

Xzan’s heart turned over sympathetically. He was apathetic. She could understand his cousin’s concern. Sean had always been a fighter. This just wasn’t like him. She decided the best way to get him to fight for his life was to bring out the sparks in him.

“
Maybe he did. You’re half dead already. If you don’t care about yourself why should anyone else care? Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered.”

She started to rise as if to leave praying he would call her bluff. Relieved when he reached out with feeble hands appealingly.

“
Please don’t go. There’s so much I want to tell you.”

She settled back down. Staring at him expectantly. It was a start. They talked until dawn. She noticed his speech slurred at times. Wondered if it was from the medication he took or was part of his illness. Robert had explained the risks involved in the operation that needed to be performed. It wasn’t guaranteed and it could be fatal or even worse cause permanent brain damage if something went wrong.

She was exhausted. At length they were both too tired to say another word. They had talked about the past in detail and at long last she had heard his apology. How sorry he was for hurting her. He hadn’t asked for the future. He did agree to have the surgery if she would be there with him. She crept out of his room under protest as the sun rose breathtakingly over the horizon heralding a new beginning. Finding an afghan on Kerrie’s rocker she reclined on their sofa and fell into a deep sleep instantly despite the turmoil raging inside.

*****

Kerrie was peering at her anxiously when she awoke a few hours later.

“
Do I take this to mean you were unsuccessful?”

Xzan smiled sleepily.

“
Quite the contrary. He’s agreed to do whatever it takes to get well. Do you by some miracle have coffee?”

She was handed a steaming cup momentarily. Kerrie and Robert beamed in relief as she explained the plans she and Sean had discussed.

“
He’s doing this as soon as it can be arranged. What he doesn’t know is that I am going to take him to my house to recover. I’ll have to make some preparations but that won’t take long.”

She had to talk to her parents and explain the situation. See if they would take care of the babies while Sean recovered. She had no intention of springing twins on him until he was well and they had time to figure out the future. She couldn’t think that far ahead yet. She had no idea how he would pull through the surgery or how long it would take for him to recover. She couldn’t even think about whether or not they should try to pick up the pieces and start over again. They had both been through a lot of changes in the past few years. At this point they were familiar strangers. She didn’t know how he would react when he found out he had two toddlers. He had missed out on so much of their lives. He might not be able to handle the responsibility of being a father. She didn’t want her children’s hearts broken either if he didn’t want them.

All she was sure of at the moment was that he was knocking on deaths door and he needed a lot of care. She wanted to give it to him. She had to safeguard all the rest who were involved. She wanted her parents to come visit him and get to know the man for themselves. Maybe they could help her make the right choices. She knew how much they loved her. She valued their opinions. Trusted them. They would have input that no one else could give her.

She stayed another night. Spent the day catching up with her old friends and the gossip as she nursed her husband. She drifted in and out of Sean’s room encouraging him to eat, tempting him with delectable morsels she prepared solely for him. Dealt with the depression he couldn’t shake despite the apparent joy he felt in seeing her. He was so ill. She was alarmed by his skeletal appearance. His cheekbones were sunk in. Hazel eyes were a dull gray. It was hard to believe this sickly man had once been robust, as strong as an ox. It was all he could do to lift the spoon and feed himself. The medicine made him too drowsy to function, but he refused to stop using it declaring it was the only pain relief he had and it kept him subdued so he wasn’t given to uncontrolled outburst.

When Robert rode back with her to get his horse which had been housed in her stable, he promised to let her know when the surgery would be and to come fetch her. After he left she rode on to her parent’s house to explain where she had been. She felt as nervous as a naughty child about to be punished. Unsure of how they would react to her news.

Chapter Sixteen

The surgery Dr. Davenport did on Sean was still experimental. It wasn’t a question of whether or not it would work. That had already been proven. It either did or didn’t. It was ‘if’ the patient would survive. In his weakened condition Xzan was worried sick about Sean. She prayed through the entire operation which took most of the day. She hadn’t been allowed to move him for two weeks. The doctor wanted to make sure there were no complications such as internal bleeding or infection.

Sean had come through with flying colors. His shoulder length mane had been shaved off with a straight edge razor. It would a long time before it grew back and he looked like himself again. If it was possible he looked even more frail and pitifully thin than before.

Robert came over daily to stay with him to relieve her a few hours so she could visit the twins at her parent’s house. Sean didn’t ask why she felt the need to visit her family so frequently. He probably figured she was weary and it helped her to escape from him for awhile. She nursed him devotedly around the clock. Every time he woke she was there to bathe or feed him, or simply checking to see if he needed anything.

He wasn’t a good patient. Barking at times in pain when she had to change the bandages on his head or apply the salve that stung to his stitches. She saw to it he had a sterile environment as she’d been instructed to do. Every day she cleansed his room scrubbing the floor with lye soap then changing his bed sheets and bathing him after he was fed.

He heard her playing the piano late into the night when she thought he was asleep. Haunting melodies that released inner turmoil and allowed her to rest. She treated him with dignity, respect and tenderness for the wounded soul he was. The way she treated every person or animal that needed her. He could feel her caring. She never gave her lasting commitment even though she healed him her loving ministrations. Sean began recovering. Growing stronger daily and even regaining some weight. His head itched miserably and the stubble that was growing began to rub against the bandages itched irritatingly. She refused to let him see himself in a mirror knowing it would be too shocking for him in his vulnerable state of mind. He had no self-esteem as it was. She didn’t want him to feel ugly on top of it all. She made him a masculine bed jacket so he didn’t feel undressed when he was able to start sitting up.