Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) (75 page)

I could tell that he was trying to hide a grin.

“Actually you did. What were you thinking when you bought that tiny little swimsuit?”

“It’s not that tiny.”

“It’s skimpy.”

“Skimpy, not tiny.”

“Whatever. You know you did it to distract me.”

“Oh?” He swam closer to me again. “And why would my skimpy swimsuit distract you, Sammy?”

I smiled saucily at him. “You are fully aware of the power of your derriere.”

“No, I’m not. Tell me, what’s so distracting about it?” He wiggled his eyebrows.

I splashed some water right at him and swam away.

“You didn’t win!” He swam after me.

I laughed when I reached the other side of the pool. I had swum the entire length again and was still feeling pretty good. I was proud of myself, even if I had cheated a little to win.

“Okay, I won, but I’ll still buy you dinner.”

He leaned against the side of the pool beside me. “Should I wear my swimsuit? Or will you get too distracted to order?”

I splashed him again and climbed out of the pool. As I turned back to look at him I grinned. I recalled considering whether having Max in my life as a friend was limiting my romantic options. In that moment as he smiled up at me, I knew it didn’t matter. Nothing would ever be better than having Max in my life.

After dinner I decided to update my blog. I pulled out my bucket list as well. I drew a tiny version of Max’s skimpy Speedo next to the “learn to swim” item and checked it off. Then I skimmed through the other items on my list.

One that stood out to me was to go on a meditation retreat. I was sure that was something I would enjoy doing. At the time that I wrote it down, the purpose was just to give myself a chance to clear my mind, but now I wanted to do it for another reason.

I wanted to know myself—from the inside out. I wanted to know what I truly hoped for in life. I figured the best way to find that out was to learn to listen as closely as I could. I drew a bright green circle around that item on my list, then I began working on my blog.

I didn’t use Max’s name, but I had to include that I had won a race with a friend. Of course, I left out what he was wearing—and exactly how I had won.

A minute or two after I published it I received a new comment from Blue.

SWF,

It’s good to know that I can plan to whisk you away on a tropical vacation.

Blue

I smiled at his words. My heart skipped a beat. Did he mean it?

Single Wide Female: The Bucket List

#21 Learn to Meditate

By

Lillianna Blake

Copyright © 2015 Lillianna Blake

Cover design by
Beetiful Book Covers

All rights reserved.

LilliannaBlake.com

Chapter 1

It was a beautiful day. I’d staked out a perfect spot in the middle of the small park a few blocks from my apartment. I was enjoying the warmth of the sunlight and observing the people around me, when I spotted her—a woman who appeared to be a few years younger than me.

She was sitting on a blanket—just like me. She was warmed by the sunlight—just like me. But she had a serene smile on her lips. Her eyes were closed, her shoulders were relaxed, and her hands were splayed open against her crossed legs. I felt drawn to her for no other reason than my envy of that peaceful state.

A big part of my weight loss journey had been about introspection and relieving my anxiety. Although I’d made a lot of progress with the help of the bucket list, I still didn’t feel completely familiar with myself. It was a mystery to me how my life would progress. I couldn’t even pinpoint exactly what I wanted.

Yet this woman was centered. She seemed content in her own skin. I was sure that there were people in the world who had absolutely everything figured out. I was also sure that I was not one of them. But I wanted to be. I wanted all of the questions and worries that plagued me to disappear as easily as the sun giving way to a new day.

The woman before me seemed to have all of that figured out.

The sight of her and others like her was the reason I was interested in meditation. I’d read several self-help books during my journey, and some had helped. Most recommended meditation as a tool to remain focused and balanced in life.

I’d added learning to meditate to my bucket list, but it had been one I had overlooked on many occasions. I could always think of something a bit more exciting and challenging to try. Meditation seemed like a rather boring thing to spend my time on.

I sat around all of the time. I sat around when I watched television. I sat around when I was reading a book. I sat around when I was writing. Meditation seemed like it would just be sitting around with nothing else to do.

But when I saw the peace etched into the face of the woman seated not far from me at the park, I recognized that it must be much more than that. It was time for me to figure out the secret of meditation. If I had a still small inner voice, I wanted to hear it. If there was some part of me that was still locked away deep within, I wanted to release it.

As I stood up from the blanket there was no question in my mind that I was ready to take that next step. This time instead of moving forward, I was going to move inward. I just hoped that I wouldn’t stumble over something in there that I didn’t want to discover.

As I walked back toward my apartment I heard footsteps jogging behind me. I stepped to the side to let the jogger pass. Instead, he stopped and smiled at me.

“Morning, gorgeous.”

I peered at Max through the morning sunlight that seemed to transform him into a god of some kind.

“Morning, beautiful.” I smiled at him.

“Beautiful?” He wiped the sweat from his forehead. “More like stinky.”

“You’re staying healthy, though.” I tried not to notice his tight jogging shorts.

Eyes up, Sammy, eyes up.

Max pulled a bottle of water out of the holster on his waist and drank greedily from it. I watched his neck flex as he swallowed down the liquid. I observed the thin streams of water that coasted past his beautiful lips and down over his tanned skin. I had to close my eyes in order to look away.

“I’m just headed home.”

“I’ll walk you.”

Max fell into step beside me. I truly believed he had no idea what kind of wild impact he had on me. I could be perfectly fine one moment and then ridiculously stupid the next because of him.

“How are you?” I glanced over at him.

“I’m fine. Just a little restless.” He took a sip of his water.

Lately the way Max behaved had left me wondering if something was on his mind. Though he had humorous moments, his normal level of joviality seemed to be lacking.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” I unlocked the door to my apartment.

“I don’t know, just looking for direction I guess.” He plopped down on one of the stools that lined the breakfast bar in my kitchen.

“You need direction?” I laughed at the idea.

“What? You think I have it all figured out?” He narrowed his eyes. “What makes you think that?”

“Well, let’s see. You have a good job, a great place to live, and all of the freedom that you could want. What else could you need?” I poured myself a glass of water and then sat down beside him.

Max was silent as he finished his bottle of water. I didn’t really expect an answer, as I’d thought that I’d made my point. When I smiled at him, I noticed that he wasn’t smiling.

“Sometimes I just wonder.”

“Wonder about what?” I was quite intrigued.

“Purpose, I guess.” He pushed his fingertip through the water ring left on the counter by his bottle of water. “It’s not really all about a job or a house, is it?” He met my eyes.

I was a little taken back by the turn in the conversation. Max and I had long conversations about just about everything, but not usually about the meaning of life. He’d never seemed to care before.

“What’s going on, Max? Did some supermodel break your heart?” I laughed a little.

His expression darkened for a moment as he looked away from me. “You’re right. I’m being silly. Things are great.” When he looked back at me he had a smile plastered on his lips. “What more could I ask for?”

Chapter 2

I felt confused. I wasn’t sure if I should push to see what Max might have been feeling, or just let it go. Was it crazy of me to think that he might want to talk?

“What’s going on, Max? Are you okay?” I reached out and took his hand in mine. “You know you can tell me.”

“I think I’m just having my mid-life crisis.” Max laughed.

“I think you’re a little young for that. You know, it’s okay to change your mind about things—to want something different.”

“Is it?” He searched my eyes. “When someone has an idea set in their head about you, does that ever really change?”

“I hope it can.”

“But have you ever changed your mind about someone?” He shook his head. “I mean, people talk about it happening all the time. But it doesn’t really, does it? We’re pretty much set in stone from kindergarten on up.”

“That’s ridiculous. I’m not eating paste, am I?”

“Okay, I guess that’s a good point.” Max laughed.

“All I’m saying is that people grow and change all the time. Take me—I’m going to a meditation class. I’m going to see if I can awaken new parts of myself.”

“You mean there’s more?” Max looked at me with mock horror.

“Thanks!” I tossed a little of my water on him.

“Watch it—don’t start a war you can’t win.” He raised an eyebrow in warning.

“We’ll have to postpone our war, because I have a class to go to. Maybe you should try it sometime. You might discover parts of yourself that you didn’t even know existed.”

“Hm. Maybe.” He nodded and stood up. “I’ll let you get to your class. I just hope you don’t awaken the part of you that likes to eat paste.”

“Ha ha!” I gave him a playful shove toward the door.

“Just don’t float too far away out there.” He winked at me, but there was something knowing in his voice that left me feeling a little unsettled. I still wondered what might really be on his mind.

After Max left I hopped on to the computer to find a local class. Classes in the city were never hard to come by. It seemed like everyone had something to offer, and all it took was a little bit of searching.

However, I knew from experience that I had to be a little picky. What was advertised as a meditation class could turn out to be a grass roots protest group on any given subject at any given time. It was not that I didn’t support people speaking out about a cause, it was just that I personally didn’t have too many causes I felt that passionate about.

After a little searching, as expected, I found a meditation class that was taking place the next day. The seminar was only a few hours and it wasn’t too far to drive. It looked like it was a free-form class with no requirements. I wouldn’t have time to find an excuse to avoid it.

I couldn’t just jump into a meditation class, though. There were things I needed to do in order to prepare. I could never go into a class unprepared. So of course I needed the perfect meditation shirt.

I was not a stranger to meditation. I had seen plenty of movies that had a character or two involved in it. I had read about it. I had even witnessed it a few times. One thing I knew for sure was that there was a certain “look” to meditation. At least in my mind there was.

I needed a flowy poet’s shirt. I needed a set of beads. Most of all, I needed a gemstone. Since I had none of those things, I had to go shopping. With the meditation class being the next day, I needed to shop fast.

I headed out to a small strip mall. It had a variety of shops to choose from. As I was browsing through the windows, I noticed that there was a beautiful blue gemstone in the window display of one of the stores.

It made me think of Blue.

I smiled a little as I looked at it closely. If there was anyone that I would trust to help me get to an enlightened state it would be Blue. His advice over the past few months had always inspired me and led me in the right direction.

I felt a subtle spark—the desire to meet up with him—but I ignored it. If he wanted to meet me, I was sure that he would make the effort to do so. So far any meet-ups had ended up being a bust.

When I stepped inside the shop, the clerk was tidying up the front counter. It reminded me of straightening the shelves at Fluff and Stuff. I smiled because I knew the satisfaction of putting everything in just the right place.

“Hi.” She turned to smile at me.

“Hi, could I have a look at that blue stone in the window?”

“Sure.”

She handed me the stone and I felt a strange surge rush through me. It was not as if I thought the stone had any magical powers, but it felt familiar, as if it had always belonged to me. I knew that I couldn’t walk out of the shop without it. It didn’t even matter to me at that moment how much it cost.

“I’ll take it.”

“Great. Let me wrap it up for you.”

As I followed her to the counter, I noticed a display of beaded necklaces. The beads were made out of wood. I was sure they would draw me closer to nature, which seemed to be a key when meditating. I selected one with various earth tones in it and added it to my purchase.

“You know, sometimes these stones choose you.” The clerk gave me a knowing look.

I normally would have been skeptical of her words, but this time I had to agree with her.

“Do you really think so?”

“Sure. It usually means they have a message for you.”

That was all it took to reinforce my skepticism. How could a little hunk of rock possibly have a message for me?

“Okay, thanks.” I offered her my most polite smile.

Chapter 3

As I left the store, I shook off the strange sensation that her words had caused me. I was feeling more prepared for my meditation excursion.

I stopped in a small boutique to look for a poet’s style shirt. Finding a flowing shirt was always a bit of a challenge for me. Most places only carried sizes that would be snug on me, so finding a shirt that would be loose might not happen.