Sinners On Tour 05 Double Time (23 page)

Ethan’s arms tightened around Reagan’s trembling body. He drew her closer to his chest, rubbed her back with both hands, and stared at the door that Trey had just exited. Ethan had never respected a man more than he respected Trey at that moment. Ethan wished he would have had the balls to have that conversation with Reagan. Wished he’d have been man enough to let her go and spare her feelings before he strayed with a man and crushed her heart. Wished he could have put her happiness first instead of doing everything in his power to keep himself in her life. He knew he was a selfish bastard, but even knowing that, he still couldn’t let her go. He loved her too much. Even if he did have to pretend he thought of her as a friend and nothing more substantial.

Ethan lowered his lips to her hair. He didn’t know what to say to her. Didn’t know if anything he said would make one bit of difference. He felt responsible for this entire thing. If he hadn’t been so attracted to Trey and tried to make a move on his best friend’s boyfriend—
God, I’m such an ass
—Reagan wouldn’t be sobbing right now. She’d be laughing. Smiling. Staring at Trey with the sickening look of love that ate Ethan alive.

“Reagan,” he whispered. “Shh. Calm down, baby.”

“I have to go after him,” she said. “I can’t let him leave. He said he loves me and I think… I
know
I love him too.”

She tried to pull away, but Ethan held her tight. “Reagan, he’s right. You can’t be happy with him. He basically told you that he’d cheat on you. I know firsthand that you don’t take that well.”

She punched him in the ribs. Okay, he deserved that.

“If I give him permission, it won’t be cheating.”

All the air seemed to vacate the room. “Permission? You never gave me permission.”

“You didn’t ask, Ethan. You didn’t even talk to me about it. You just screwed someone in our apartment when you thought I wouldn’t be home.”

“How many times have I apologized for that, Reagan? I knew you wouldn’t understand my attraction to men. I scarcely understand it.”

“It isn’t your attraction to men that I wouldn’t be able to understand. It’s how you could bring yourself to hurt me like that when you claimed to love me.”

“I do love you, Reagan.”

“Did,” she corrected.

He cupped her lovely face and tilted her head back. Brushing the tears from her cheeks with both thumbs, he looked into her eyes and said, “Do.”

He didn’t know what he expected her to say to his confession, but it wasn’t, “Argh!” She shoved him away. “Don’t confuse things even more. You drive me crazy, Ethan.”

“I know. I don’t mean to.” He just couldn’t manage to regain her trust enough to direct their relationship in the way he wanted it to go. Which wasn’t just friends. It had never been that kind of relationship to him. He’d let her dictate his feelings because he needed her in his life in some capacity. Any capacity. He knew he’d fucked up. He owned that mistake. He didn’t know how to make it up to her though. Didn’t know if he could make it up to her. Maybe if he helped her keep Trey. Would that make her happy? “I could fuck Trey for you,” he blurted.

“What?” she sputtered.

“He’s attracted to me. I can fulfill his sexual desires and you could trust me not to take him away from you. I want you to be happy.”

“Did you seriously just volunteer to fuck my boyfriend?”

“Actually, Reagan, he’s not your boyfriend. He just dumped you.” Ethan jabbed a thumb toward the front door of the apartment.

“Shut up! He just needs a little time.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “But not too much time.” She groaned and scrubbed her face with both hands. “I don’t want to lose him, Ethan. Not because of this.”

“He told you what he needed to be happy.”

“Do you really think we could make him happy? Me and you. Together.”

“I’m more concerned about your feelings. Do you think you can handle sharing him? Even on a purely sexual level.”

“With you?” She took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’d rather know he was with you than some other guy, but…” She looked up at him. “Do you think he’ll go for this?”

“There’s only one way to find out.”

Trey hesitated with his hand on the knob of his apartment door. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone. Maybe he should go visit one of the guys. They were probably busy getting reacquainted with their loved ones. He wouldn’t want to intrude. Maybe Dare would like some company. He stayed up late.

Trey knew he would have to get used to living alone at some point. He’d never been alone a day in his life. He’d gone from living with his parents, to living with his band in a tiny studio apartment over a drycleaners, to living with Brian as roommates, and all of those years had been interspersed with being on tour with dozens of people to keep him company. Brian had moved out to live with Myrna several months ago, but Trey had always made sure he had someone to stay the night with him or that he stayed the night at someone else’s house when faced with the possibility of an empty apartment. He could call a hundred different people and he knew they’d come over to stay with him. He had plenty of friends. Unfortunately they were all friends with benefits and they’d expect sex. He wasn’t ready to go back to mindless fucking. Not so soon after breaking up with Reagan. Even though he’d broken it off with her, he didn’t feel free of her. He didn’t really
want
to be free of her, but for once in his life he cared about someone’s feelings more than he cared about his own. And it sucked.

Trey opened the door and flipped on the lights. He stepped over the threshold and froze in the entryway. It looked like home, but didn’t feel like home. Certain familiar things were missing—Brian’s leather jacket that usually lay discarded across the back of the sofa, the picture of Brian with his little sister that once rested on the entry table, Brian’s boots by the door, Brian. Trey took a step back. Maybe he should move in with Dare. At least he’d have someone to talk to. And that’s all he really wanted. Companionship. He didn’t do well on his own. Never had.

His phone rang and he was so glad to have someone to talk to that he didn’t even check caller ID before answering. “Hello?” He hoped he didn’t sound too desperate.

“Can we talk?”

Mark. The usual dread that filled Trey when he spoke to Mark was completely lacking. He was glad to hear from him. From anyone. He hadn’t answered the last twenty or so times Mark had called or texted. But now… he really needed someone to talk to.

“About what?” Trey asked.

“The tour is over now. Where are you?”

“I’m at home. Just got in.”

“You’re not staying with your girlfriend,
Reagan
, tonight?”

“How do you know about Reagan? I never told you her name.”

“It’s been the most discussed topic on Sinners’ News Blog for the past two weeks.”

Did they post on that fucking blog every time someone in the band sneezed or scratched his balls? “No. I’m not with her tonight. I needed a little time to myself.” Though he wanted to confide in someone about his breakup with Reagan and how miserable he was to be alone, he knew Mark was not the right person. Trey didn’t want to give him false hope.

“Liar. You suck at being alone.”

True. “So why did you call?”

“I just want to talk.”

“There’s nothing to say, Mark.”

“You’re the one who introduced me to this lifestyle.”

And Trey definitely regretted that now. He also felt like a hypocrite. He’d pushed Mark into accepting his sexuality, yet he’d hidden his own from Reagan. He should have known that it was the wrong way to handle it. If he’d have been on the other side, offering advice to a friend trying to hide who they were, he’d have told himself that he was being an idiot. That it wouldn’t work. Why had he thought he could make it work? Because he’d wanted her. He still wanted her. And he’d thought she would be enough. That it would work out.

“I just need some advice,” Mark said.

“On what?”

“How to win you back.”

Back?
Mark had never had him in the first place.

Trey rubbed a hand over his face, closed the front door, and crossed the room to sit on the comfortable, overstuffed sofa. He knew he had to be careful with Mark’s feelings. Trey wasn’t sure how to get his point across without being cruel. “Mark…”

“Something’s bothering you,” Mark said. “You sound different. Sad.”

“A lot is bothering me.” He reached for the remote and turned on the TV. Background noise. He needed background noise.

“Tell me. You can tell me anything.”

“You shouldn’t call me anymore. You’re grasping at strings.”

“You don’t think I know that? I can’t help who I love.”

“And I can’t help who I don’t love.”

There was a long pause. “How did the tour go?” Mark asked, his voice falsely cheerful. “I saw a few of the shows. When I could get off work. I tried to get backstage to see you, but…”

“It’s nothing personal, Mark. No one was getting backstage. Can I ask you something?” Trey had to get his point across somehow.

“Of course.”

“How do you know when you’re in love?” Trey asked.

Mark hesitated so long that Trey checked his phone to make sure the call hadn’t dropped.

“Why?” he asked finally. “Are you in love with someone?”

“I think so. It’s just that I’ve loved Brian for so long that I’m not sure I can recognize it with someone else.”

“How does this person make you feel?”

Trey hesitated, not sure how to describe how he felt when he was with Reagan. “Like I’m truly alive for the first time in my life.”

“I feel that way too.”

Trey winced. As usual, Mark was hearing what he wanted to hear. That was why it was so hard to get rid of him. “I didn’t mean that I’m in love with you, Mark. I think I love Reagan.” And he’d told her, hadn’t he? Probably not the best thing to say to someone you were breaking up with. The sudden memory of her tear-streaked face squeezed his heart. He knew it was best that they parted ways. She could never accept the part of him that liked the feel of a hard body against his. The touch of a man. To be penetrated. Dominated. Fucked. He didn’t want to hurt her more than he had to. He couldn’t give up his attraction to men. He’d tried it. Maybe that made him a selfish bastard. Maybe he’d never find true love. Maybe he’d never be as happy as he’d been with her, but at least he’d be true to himself.

“She can’t give you everything you need,” Mark said. “Can I come over? I’ll give you what you need. Just hearing your voice makes me hard. Or if you want to top, you know I’ll let you.” Emotionally, Trey wasn’t ready for this, but physically he wanted it. His brain was telling him to hang up before he asked Mark to come over and keep him company, but his body craved the touch of a man. If he wasn’t careful, any man would do. To hell with feelings and consequences.

“Trey?” Mark questioned.

Trey flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling fan overhead. No matter how much he wanted someone to warm his bed, he couldn’t give in to that temptation. He knew he’d regret it. And Mark was the worst possible choice to appease his needs. Well, second worst. At least he hadn’t given in to Ethan. He was the one Trey really wanted, but that would have devastated Reagan. “Not a good idea.”

Mark cursed under his breath. “I hate that I’m so fucking addicted to you. Do you think I enjoy this?”

Trey produced a lopsided grinned. “You must. You keep coming back for more.”

“You can’t deny that you want me.”

“I enjoy sex with you, sure, but you open up an entire set of complications I’m not ready to deal with. I know what it feels like to be in love with someone who isn’t in love with you. I’ve lived that way for years.”

“Who said I was in love with you?” Mark said.

“I think it was you.”

“Are you telling me that if you had the chance to have sex with Brian, even though you knew he didn’t love you in return, you wouldn’t have taken it?”

“God, yes,” Trey gasped. “I would have taken anything that man wanted to give.”

“I feel the same way about you. You don’t have to love me. Let me come over and I’ll love you.”

“But then you’ll have hope that things will work out between us and they won’t.”

“Even though Brian never had sex with you all those years, didn’t you still have hope?”

Trey sighed in frustration and rolled onto his side and stared at the TV screen. “Yes, but—”

“But? No but, Trey.”

Trey chuckled. “Exactly. No, butt.”

“Own me,” he whispered. “Just in the bedroom. I promise I won’t be a bother to you, if you just own me in the bedroom.”

“I can’t right now, Mark. I need some time to get my head on straight. Why don’t you call Jacob? He’d love to keep you.”

“I don’t want Jacob. I want you. Don’t you want me? Am I undesirable? I don’t understand.”

“You know I’m attracted to you.”

“Then fuck me.”

What would it hurt to lose himself in mindless sex? He’d been doing it his entire life without a second thought. What had changed?

Reagan. Reagan had changed everything, and though something inside him would love to go back to the way he’d been before he met her, he knew that would never be enough for him now.

“I can’t, Mark. Okay? I just can’t. It really isn’t you. Find someone who deserves your love and attention. It isn’t me.”

The intercom near the front door buzzed. Trey scowled. “Who could that be at this hour?” He climbed from the sofa, pressed the button, and spoke into the speaker. “Who is it?”

“Ethan.”

Trey’s heart skipped a beat. “I have company,” he said to Mark. “I have to go.”

“Who’s Ethan?”

Again with the jealous tone.

“He’s Reagan’s roommate. Don’t call me back. I won’t answer.”

“Thanks for talking to me. I miss you.”

“Bye.” Trey hung up.

His intercom buzzed again. He rubbed a hand over his face and then pressed the button to speak to Ethan again. “Don’t you think you’ve caused enough problems for me for one day?”

“Reagan and I talked. She thinks she can handle—” The repetitive yapping of a small dog emitted from the intercom speaker.

“You’re standing in my way, big fella,” the wizened voice of Mrs. O’Neal, who lived down the hall from Trey, came through the speaker. “Quiet, Shortie.” The yapping changed to a series of low growls.

“Excuse me,” Ethan said to the woman. Into the intercom, he said, “Look, Trey, I don’t think we want to discuss this over the intercom. Can I come up?”

“Is Reagan with you?” Trey said.

“No. It’s just me.”

Trey wasn’t sure why he felt such disappointment. Actually, that wasn’t true. He still had feelings for the woman. He couldn’t turn that off by walking out the door. He did want to hear what Ethan had to say. Maybe things could work out with Reagan. Ethan knew her better than anyone. Maybe he could help Trey figure out how to proceed from here, because even though he’d said he wanted to break up with her, he didn’t. Not at all. He wanted her back. Maybe he could get by with artificial stimulation. Would she wear a strap-on for him? Or maybe… He didn’t know. He had to do something, though. His conversation with Mark had made him realize he needed that woman in his life. He loved her. “Fine.”

Trey pushed the button to let Ethan into the building. He shoved his cell phone into his pocket and glanced around the apartment. He wasn’t sure what Ethan could possibly want to talk to him about. He was probably pretty mad that Trey had made Reagan cry. Maybe he was coming upstairs to rearrange his face. He had that temper issue when he thought he was protecting the innocent. And Reagan was definitely the innocent one in this situation.

Maybe Trey shouldn’t have let him into the building after all.

Maybe he could pretend he wasn’t home.

A set of knuckles rapped on the door.

“Trey?” Ethan called from the hallway.

Trey’s dad was a plastic surgeon. He’d do a good job of fixing Trey’s face if Ethan was pissed enough to hit him. Trey took a deep steadying breath and then went to open the door.

Ethan gazed at Trey with that feral hunger that made Trey’s balls throb. Damn him. Is that why he’d come? For sex? Ethan didn’t look mad. Or even annoyed. He looked horny.

Ethan let himself into the apartment, rubbing up against Trey as he passed. Trey closed his eyes and tried not to be too obvious about inhaling Ethan’s heady, masculine scent. Turning down Mark over the phone had been easy. Ethan in the flesh was a different story.
Focus
on
keeping
Reagan. You haven’t strayed yet. You can fix things with her. Be strong.

Trey closed the door. Ethan reached over and turned the deadbolt. He was so close, and he smelled so good, and he felt so hard. Fuck, it had been too long since Trey had been with a man. He couldn’t deny his needs. Wasn’t sure why he’d ever thought he could.

Ethan’s hands moved to Trey’s ass. “You’re mine now,” he said in a low growl.

“Ethan, why did you come here?” Trey asked even though he could probably guess.

Ethan moved one hand to grip Trey’s chin between his thumb and forefinger and forced his head back.

“I’m here to fuck you,” Ethan said.

Trey pulled away from him. “This is what you planned all along, isn’t it? To get me to break up with Reagan so you could seduce me?”

Ethan shook his head. “Don’t flatter yourself. She sent me over here to seduce you. She thinks she can allow you to have a male lover as long as it’s me.”

Trey laughed. “That’s the biggest bullshit story I’ve ever heard. Reagan would never say that. Just look how freaked out she was when you cheated on her with a man.”

“But you didn’t cheat on her. Where I snuck around behind her back to find sexual gratification, you were frank and honest with her. She’s willing to try this to keep you in her life. I’d say that makes you one lucky son of a bitch.”

“So I’m allowed to have sex with a man, but only if it’s you,” Trey said. “Do I get a say in this?”

Ethan gaped at him. Apparently, that was not what he had been expecting Trey to say. He’d probably thought he’d be naked and lubed up by now. “You don’t want to?”

Trey grinned crookedly. “I don’t think Reagan knows what she’s getting herself into. Actually, I’m half-convinced that you’re making this story up and are here because you want to be here. I don’t think it has anything to do with Reagan. I think you’re using her as an excuse to get laid. Or making sure you finish the deal so there is no way she’ll ever let me close to her again.”