Sloane: A Bad Boy Billionaire Romance Novel (8 page)

“Would it even matter if I said I didn’t do it?”  He stood abruptly from his seat.  “You’re just like the rest of them.”

“I didn’t mean-“ I tried but he cut me off with a loud roar.

“
Get out!
” he screamed, shaking every bone in my body.  Without realizing it I was running out of his office and down the narrow hall.  I could feel it closing in on me and my breath was harder and harder to catch.

I ran past coworkers with tears streaming down my cheeks.  It felt like my heart had been ripped to shreds by a pack of wolves, and before I made it out of the building, I felt my knees and hands crashing to the floor.

The world was shattered glass and I was bleeding from every limb.  I didn’t bother trying to see past the rivers in my eyes, and I couldn’t hear beyond my sobs.  I must have looked like I was having a nervous breakdown.

In a matter of minutes I had a small crowd by my side on the floor, rubbing my back and Sasha brought me a paper bag to breathe into.  No one asked what was wrong and I was grateful to them for it.

I collapsed in Sasha’s arms and laid my head on her shoulder.  I cried everything out of me until I was running on empty.  My arms hung limp by her side and she told me she would drive me home.

I sat in the passenger’s seat of Sasha’s car and watched the rain smack against her windshield.  I felt like a machine that was shut down.  All thoughts and feelings had left me and were scattered somewhere in the storm outside.  I never thanked her for the ride but she knew I was grateful.

I stared at the modest house I shared with Jared and slammed the car door shut.  She didn’t drive off immediately, though I wished she had.  I stood in the rain until my hair and clothes were soaked, until the smell of Ethan Sloane was washed from me.

8

I didn’t get out of bed the next day.  I called in sick and it was only partly a lie.  Jared had left for work while I slept and I woke up to an empty house, the silence crushing me.  I couldn’t stop thinking about Ethan but at least I was through crying.  My chest ached and my stomach became a void, but at least I wasn’t crying.

I switched between sleeping and staring at the sunlight on the walls until Jared came home.  He said he’d try to get off early and kept his promise.  I heard his car door slam and remembered mine was still at the office.  I wished I could teleport it home so I wouldn’t have to set foot on those grounds again.  I sat up for the first time all day waiting for Jared to comfort me.

He brought me soup but I couldn’t eat.  He climbed into bed and put his arms around me.  I sobbed into them and he didn’t ask questions.  Still I couldn’t allow myself to keep this a secret from him.  I controlled my quivering and confessed everything.

Jared didn’t flinch at the news.  I was almost convinced he didn’t hear it.  His hand rubbed my shoulder as I professed my heartbreak for a man other than him.  The more I spoke, the guiltier I felt.  It swelled in me, filling my throat and choking my words.

“I’m sorry,” I added finally.  Jared leaned over and kissed my forehead, still silent.  His calm made me nervous and I noticed he wasn’t looking at me.  I was terrified I’d lose the only other man I loved.

“I don’t mind,” he admitted.  “And I understand.  I guess that swinger’s party wasn’t the best idea of mine.  I’m sorry for dragging you into all of this.”

I couldn’t believe my ears.  Was he actually apologizing to me?  I told him he was crazy, that he had nothing to apologize for, and then we returned to silence.  We stayed that way until dusk turned to night and the street lamps trickled in through our windows.

---

A week went by with my car still in the parking lot and me staying home.  I stopped calling in after the first few days and even considered quitting.  Jared told me to think it through the weekend to be sure, but I couldn’t fathom how I would go back.  It wasn’t as if Ethan had bothered to contact me either.  As far as I knew he was glad I left, and that’s just what I told myself.

I spent the week catching up on chores around the house, trying to return to something normal.  The days passed effortlessly and time sped up the longer I was home.  I didn’t bother bathing since I was trying to forget my body even existed.  I became nothing more than a thought, a broken spirit haunting my old routine.

I was content in my emptiness until Thursday of that week.  I logged into our home computer to see Jared’s email left open, displaying a second invitation to one of Ethan’s parties.  The address burned a hole through me.  I still remembered that night vividly.

I knew why Jared hadn’t told me about the invitation.  I knew he wanted to protect me, so I did him the courtesy of pretending I never saw it.  Unfortunately my mind wouldn’t do the same for me.

That night in a restless sleep I dreamed of Ethan Sloane.  We were in an arena surrounded by spectators cheering and I was in a satin red dress that flowed around me like waves.  I was alone for a time, soaking in the attention from the crowd, wondering what I did to deserve their praise.

The sun beat down on me and beads of sweat formed on my neck and chest, but the warmth was comforting.  Then I heard huffing and stomping across from me.  I turned my head in its direction and saw a bull ready to charge.  I was the target of a bullfight. 

No matter how hard I tried my feet were planted in the sand.  I watched in slow motion as the bull leapt toward me, almost graceful in his aggression.  I closed my eyes and waited for the tearing of my flesh, surrendering to my death.  When nothing came I opened them again.

There before me was the bull, dead, with an arrow through him.  I searched the arena for a sign of my savior to see Ethan Sloane to my right with a bow in his hand.  I made a run toward him but he turned and disappeared before I could reach him.

I woke up drenched in sweat and with the return of my heartbreak.  I couldn’t tell you what the dream meant, but it felt like falling from a great height, and I was left broken on the ground below.

The next morning I received a phone call from my immediate superior.  I was to show up Monday or risk losing my position.

“To be honest, I’m not sure I’m coming back,” I replied.

“Vanessa, you don’t want to lose an opportunity like this,” he said.  “Clear your head over the weekend and come back fresh on Monday.  Besides, we definitely need you on our team.”  His compliment didn’t sway me like he thought it would, but my dream was beginning to.

I hung up the phone and sat idly at the kitchen table.  I fell into a daze that extended beyond the kitchen window, past the neighborhood streets and the city limits.  I wandered back into Ethan’s arms and sighed relief.

That afternoon I received an email from Ethan:

“See you Monday, Mrs. Banks,” is all it said.

I felt a coldness building in response to his curt message. 
That’s all he could say to me?
  I was furious.  I picked up the phone and dialed his office so fast my head was spinning. 

His receptionist answered and said he was in a meeting.  I had her take a message and obsessively watched my phone the rest of the evening.  He didn’t bother calling back.

My blood was boiling by the time Jared came home and I couldn’t decide whether I should tell him or not.  I foolishly kept it hidden and it exploded in an attack against him later.

“You want to go back to that place don’t you?” I accused him.

“What place, Vanessa?”

“Ethan’s swinger party, I saw your invitation.”  I crossed my arms but couldn’t look at him.

“Am I not supposed to open any invitations?  I just gave it a once over and decided against mentioning it.  I knew you wouldn’t be up for it, but I’m sorry you saw it.”

“Well if you want to go so badly, let’s go then.”  I knew this wasn’t about him but about me.  I was trying to see Ethan again and couldn’t wait through the weekend.  I was also unable to admit this to Jared.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he whispered.  He moved toward me and placed his hands on my shoulders, “you’ve been through so much and were finally starting to get better.”

I could feel tears clouding my eyes as I looked at him.  He held me close and his clean smell filled my nose making me nostalgic for Ethan’s woodsy scent.

I almost gave up when I remembered I was still without my car.  I knew I had to confess my intentions to Jared, and convincing him I’d be okay was going to be a challenge.

“I have to see him,” I admitted shamefully.  “It’s eating me alive.”

I expected him to put up a fight, either to protect me or to possess me, but he just replied with, “okay.”  I kicked myself for putting him through this and for not being able to move on.  I was bruised by my own thoughts and fought sleep again all Friday night.  Every time I closed my eyes I saw my dream bull, charging at me, then laying dead.  I saw Ethan walking out on me.

I bathed for the first time that week and it felt like a rebirth.  I watched ripples diffuse through the water where I laid my hands and let the patterns take the shape of my reality.  I was swimming in uncertainty and trying not to drown.

Jared’s car hummed pleasantly along.  The sound of the engine wrapped around me like a shawl and I sank into the realization that I was actually going to see Ethan again.  I was too tired to be nervous and I contemplated what I would say.  I didn’t have any fucking idea.

I wanted to break the silence between me and Jared but nothing I thought of was fitting.  I wanted to crack a joke to let him know this wouldn’t be a big deal, that I wasn’t about to completely lose my mind, even if I totally was.  But I looked over at him a few times and he just stared blankly ahead at the road in front of him.

I wondered if he was breaking down, if he feared losing me.  I had no plans to leave him, but I had no plans at all so far.  I just flew down that country road in the dark, wearing a deep blue dress for Ethan, and everything, the trees and the AC, were stirring around me.

Jared’s hands seemed tense around the steering wheel and his composure rattled me into worry.  I felt selfish and cruel.  I comforted myself by one thought. 
If he was truly upset, he’d say something
.  But I had quickly forgotten his nature.  He was always cool under pressure.

In a matter of seconds the car slammed forward to a halt, and my seatbelt dug into my chest.  I looked up to see the damage and was caught in the gaze of a wild deer.  She was frozen in our headlights and her eyes held a universe worth of stars, sparkling back at me.  Her tiny nose wrinkled trying to figure us out without being noticed. 

She was absolutely beautiful in the spotlight with legs that stretched for miles and thick brown fur.  When she ran off into the woods I finally caught my breath.  I stared in the direction of her trail, oblivious to how much time had passed.

My gaze was broken by the sound of sobbing next to me.  Jared was crying for the first time since I’ve known him.  I reached my hand to his shoulder but he shrugged it off and got out of the car.

I was taken aback and wasn’t sure what my next course of action should be.  I decided to chase him against my better judgement.  I didn’t bother closing the door when I got out, and watched winged insects fly in and out of the car.

I found him on the side of the road with his arms crossed, kicking the dirt below.  He was no longer crying but was focused on his feet.

“Jared-“ I began, but wasn’t sure where to go, so we stood aimlessly in silence, aglow from our own headlights.  I looked down the road in front of us and my mind flashed back to that first night.  I thought of his cool excitement and remembered the creases on my fingers.  I finally found the words.

“Jared.  I know this was supposed to be an adventure.  We were supposed to open ourselves up to flings and meaningless sex.  I wasn’t supposed to fall in love, or get my heart broken.”

Like a stubborn child he continued kicking rocks while I poured my heart out.  Our car dropped to a low humming from the idleness and I continued.

“I feel foolish, actually, caring so much about something that was supposed to be meaningless.  I thought my love for you would keep me at a distance, but I’ve found so much more than I anticipated.  My heart is so vulnerable and open, but I’m learning just how full it can become.”  The wind picked up as I finished and stirred grounded leaves into the air toward the stars.

Before I knew it I had a pair of hands on my cheeks and a set of lips kissing me.  Jared was crying through his kiss and shook with a passion I didn’t know he had.

His ardor crashed into me and I soon matched the nervous vibration of his body next to mine.  He didn’t let up on kissing and I didn’t push him back.

His fingers traced my arms from tense shoulders to the hands at my waist and he held them gently as he pulled his lips away, looking into me with a new intensity.  He left me speechless.

“I have to know I won’t lose you, Vanessa,” he said finally.  “I would be a wreck without you.”  He clenched his jaw to hold back his fear.  I assured him he would never lose me.  I described my undying gratitude to him for allowing me this experience.  We talked for what felt like hours, in the cool night, in our headlights.  Eventually we returned to our seats in the car, on our way to one of Ethan Sloane’s very memorable swinger’s party.

Jared seemed different that night.  After our conversation he had a confidence that seemed inspired rather than controlled.  He smiled occasionally and looked at me often.