Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (6 page)

Identifying an Inner Center of Deep Relaxation

You can do this exercise right now, wherever and however you are sitting in this moment. Or experiment with it later when you are lying or standing. It’s a simple way to connect to the inner dimensions of the body.

1. Close your eyes gently.
   
2. Scan your body and relax your shoulders, jaw, belly, or any place where you feel some tension or holding (see suggestions at the end of chapter 2). Take two or three easy, full breaths through the diaphragm and into your belly.
   
3. Then, with your eyes closed, begin to imagine that your eyes are looking backward into your body. Keep looking backward and use that inner vision to help you draw your attention into the body and then downward, so that you can sense yourself more from the inside.
   
4. Start to look around for a place inside the body that feels like home to you. A place that connects you to your body, the inner realms of ease, a place you can settle in to, one that makes you feel rested, as if you are arriving at home in yourself.
       Home can be anywhere below the head—spine, buttocks, belly, genitals, heart, breasts, low back, feet, or anywhere that feels good and right to you. Home can also be the entire body.
   
5. From home, wherever it happpens to be, however big or small, you can begin to spread your attention and link home to other parts that feel good, as if embracing other pleasant cellular sensations. Or you can expand symmetrically outward from the spine as the midline of the body.
   

An inner home acts as a resting place, a connection point, working like an anchor that roots the awareness within the body.

Exercise: Practicing Soft Vision with Your Partner

Using the Eyes as a Window into Your Being

The practice of being receptive with a tree or some aspect of nature, described earlier in this chapter, can be extended to a very nice practice with your partner.

1. Close your eyes and connect internally, as described in the previous exercise.
   
2. When you feel rooted within your body, you can begin to open your eyes fraction by fraction (without losing contact with your inner body—if you do lose this connection, please close your eyes again until you inwardly reconnect, then again slowly open).
   
3. When your eyes are fully open, gently meet your partner’s eyes. Allow your partner into you through the eyes. Let your eyes be easy, soft, receptive, and inviting. It’s okay to blink, this is not a staring exercise.
   
4. Gaze receptively at one eye at a time because trying to engage both of your partner’s eyes simultaneously has a mesmerizing, unfocused effect. Perhaps you will notice it is easier to connect with your partner’s left eye than the right. Or vice versa. Whichever eye feels comfortable for you, stay with it. Shift to the other eye at any time. If you have a vision deficiency, make any adjustments in distance that you need.
   
5. Take a deep breath into your belly and allow your eyes to receive what is there in front of them, rather than looking outward in an objective or judgmental fashion.
   
6. Take several deep breaths into your belly. Scan your body for random areas of tension, and relax them. Relax the belly and soften the muscles surrounding the genitals.
   
7. Enjoy another breath. Be present in your body, simple and easy.
   
8. Remain in receptive eye sharing mode for as long as it feels comfortable, and close the eyes whenever it feels necessary, either to reestablish an inner connection or as opportunity to sense yourself more deeply on the inside. Keep coming back to open eyes and being available to yourself on the inside as you receive your partner’s soft gaze into you. Avoid keeping the eyes closed for extended periods.
   
9. When it feels appropriate or when there is a spontaneous drawing together of your bodies, move into a sustained embrace in which you can close your eyes; stay present and attentive to inner details as you relax your body and melt with your partner.
   

4

THE SEXUAL POWER OF QUALITY

Q
uality is born when we tune into the sexual intelligence lying within our human bodies. Quality is born when we are aware and relaxed enough to experience the inherent vitality of the sexual organs. Quality is born when we slow down enough to allow the bodies to connect in their own way and at their own pace.

GENITAL INTELLIGENCE

While it may sound a bit strange, the genitals do have an innate wisdom. They know what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, but only when we create the appropriate atmosphere, surrender, and allow them to function on their own terms. When there is an intentional withdrawal from building to a climax, we offer our sexual organs the opportunity and space to communicate in their own language. The genitals have their own way of communing, of sharing and exchanging energy, and it’s nothing short of a miracle. The intelligence built into the genitals can best be described as “biomagnetic” or “electromagnetic.”

Man and woman are extremely similar on many levels, yet vastly different on others. We experience this divergence in various ways, but how deep does the difference between us really lie? Beyond our differences in gender, physical appearance, and associated reproductive functions, what is the crucial distinction between man and woman?

On a profound energy level, the basic difference between us is one of polarity. A difference in polarity implies a difference in potential, and this polarity, embedded as an inherent capacity, is lodged as a powerful cellular intelligence in the genital tissues. There exists a polarity difference between the penis and the vagina that gives rise to a spontaneous flow of life force, vitality, energy, chi, prana—call it what you will.

MALE DYNAMIC FORCE, FEMALE RECEPTIVE FORCE

In essence, the male force is a dynamic force (but not a doing force), and the female force is receptive (also not a doing force). So in this sense both man and woman need to refrain from too much doing or activity in sex so that they can open to and access their essence. When we relax back into ourselves and become more aware, we come to exist as opposite forces in relation to each other. One organically gives, flows, or channels, as the other receives, takes in, or absorbs.

These equal forces are fundamentally opposite forces. (See chapter 5 for elaboration on this theme.) One is not less and one is not more; they are in perfect balance and harmony. Too easily we think of receptive as passive, floppy, and lifeless, or dynamic as action and accomplishment, but dynamic and receptive are equally powerful. These qualities are states and not something that can be achieved, except by falling back into your body and being to touch your natural essence.

Male and Female Forces Are Complementary

These two forces are equal yet opposite, and that implies that they are deeply complementary. Without one, the other does not exist. The male force is one half, the female force is the other half. Dynamic can only be dynamic, start to become a stream, or flow, when the container is inwardly prepared to receive such emanations. Receptivity is a powerful state of vitality and presence in which true passion is a surrendering to the genius of nature’s ways. Without the quality of receptivity there is little chance for man to respond in true male dynamic fashion. In this way man is relatively dependent on the female environment that surrounds his penis, the quality of relaxation, awareness, and receptivity in the vaginal tissues. Similarly, when a man is present and aware in his penis, woman is more easily able to relax into herself, and in so doing, increase the capacity to receive the dynamic force.

“Positive” dynamic and “negative” receptive complement each other, and when joined together, the two forces become one unit, whole and complete. The complementary quality of the male and female poles is understood to be the source of our strong intuitive attraction to the opposite gender. And why sexual union appeals to us, calls us, and draws us.

Everything in existence that is not complete seeks completion. And in sex we find completion between ourselves through joining with the equal and opposite force, merging and melting into one integrated whole. The dynamic and receptive forces of the genitals are elements that cannot be seen, even under a microscope, but can be plainly observed in action.

EMBRACING POLARITY HERALDS A CHANGE IN DIMENSION

When you relax into the polarity level of the inner reality there is a shift to an altered state, to a new dimension where you perceive expansion, space, light, love, beauty, eternity. For such a spontaneous effect to take place, you (as individuals) have to position yourselves both physically and mentally.

I recently gained a fascinating insight into the word
dimension
. I was talking to a friend, sharing my personal observation that when I make very simple physical shifts of body position and adjust my alignment, a space opens up and presence and awareness is amplified. He surprised me by saying that he had fully investigated the ancient Greek, or Hellenic, language derivation of the word
dimension. Dimension
is rooted in the Hellenic ΔIAΣTAΣIΣ, or
thiastasis
. There are two parts. First, ΔIA (
thia
) which means “through” or “to divide.” Second, ΣTAΣIΣ (
stasis
), which comes from the verb IΣTAMAI (
istame
), which literally means “to place the body in a posture of stillness.” At the same time,
thiastasis
means “the size of something when it is still.” And the related
ekstasis
means “what comes out of the body’s stillness.” Embedded in the language lies the intelligence that position, stillness, and dimension are inseparable. A shift of position is required on two levels—mind and body. If we start with the mind, the body usually follows suit. There needs to be an intention to create a situation in which the complementary qualities of male and female come into play as dynamic and receptive forces, wherein man gives and woman receives. The basic direction of the flow is from man into woman, but the container needs to be in a state of poised receptivity to draw the flow of the dynamic force into itself.

The dynamic and receptive functions of the genitals are very clearly attested to by their physical shapes. Nature is very precise, not at all haphazard. The exterior male genitalia is designed to enter the interior female genitalia, and by virtue of being in the appropriate or “right” position in relation to her, has the capacity to channel vitality into her when she is in a correspondingly appropriate position to receive.

LUBRICATION OF THE GENITALS

To facilitate a slow journey into the vagina, it’s recommended to begin with lubrication every time you get together. Apply lubricant generously around the entrance and lips of the vagina, as well as over the entire length and head of the penis. Unscented pure oil is recommended. A pure thin vegetable oil, such as almond oil, works well because a little goes a long way. The sensual slipperiness of oil allows for a silky smooth slow entry that can last several minutes as the vaginal canal is gradually probed open. If more oil is needed it can be added at any time. Sesame oil is used in ayurvedic preparations for the genitals. Olive oil can also be used but is a thicker type of oil, better for emergencies rather than for regular use. Oils that are commercially available will usually have natural fragrances added, however a pure unscented oil is advised. Almond oil is usually available over the counter in drugstores. Commercial synthetic lubricant preparations are not made of natural ingredients and can have side effects, such as clogging the deeper part of the vagina and affecting menstrual flow. Important to remember is that oil should
not
be used in conjunction with condoms; instead use a water-based pharmaceutical gel.

SLOW CONSCIOUS ENTRY

The initial approach and very first entry into woman’s body is of great significance in keeping excitement to a low level. How a woman is entered sets the atmosphere or tone and will have a tremendous impact on whatever follows. This applies equally when a woman is having sex for the first time and every time thereafter. When man has an erection (see later section for when he does not), the actual entry and subsequent penetration should be done with extreme awareness, and therefore extreme slowness, extending into the vaginal canal millimeter by millimeter, and the slower the better. He should stop any time he feels resistance in the vaginal tissue, which needs time to warm up to receive and absorb the penis.