Slowly We Trust (27 page)

She beamed and picked up her sandwich.

Eddie and I were silent when we got back in the car. Me with the photo album, and him with a framed picture and the promise of an album of his own. We had to get to the hospital so he could fill out the forms and get a cheek swab to get tested as a possible bone marrow match.

I wasn’t much of a praying person, but I sent a quick message in my mind to anyone who would listen, begging that he be a match.

“She’s so beautiful,” he finally said. “I kept looking at her and wondering how she could be real. She’s a person. A whole person.”

“I know. It’s hard to believe.” I found myself brushing the front of my pants, right where my scar was.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you when you were pregnant. And for the delivery and everything. I mean, I know now that you made the right choice for her, but I still would have liked to be there for you. It must have been so hard to do that on your own.”

“It was.” It had been. I didn’t know how hard until I was on the other side of it. At the time, I’d just been struggling to get through each day. Just get to the birth and then I could forget about everything that had happened. It didn’t work that way, though.

“And I’m sorry for being a dick initially. That was completely uncalled for.”

“It’s okay, Eddie. Things are okay now and we’re going to get through this. I’m just hoping you’re a match.”

“Me too. I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m not. I did a ton of research about it. I guess they can just take your blood now for the donation. They used to have to stick this huge needle into your hip and scrape out your bone marrow.” We both shuddered at the idea of that.

“I’d do it anyway. For her. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to say that. You know, that I’d do that for someone I just met. My parents and my sister, sure, but she’s different. You get it, right?”

“Yeah. I do.”

The hospital visit only took about an hour and then Eddie and I went out to dinner. Now that we’d exhausted the topic of Emily, we didn’t really seem to have much to talk about.

We sat in silence, both lost in our own thoughts.

“You know I had a crush on you in high school,” he said as we waited for our drink orders at the restaurant. We’d picked a small non-chain place this time.

“You did?” This was news to me. I nearly slid out of the booth in shock.

“Yeah. But you were so aloof, or whatever that I thought you’d turn me down, which was why I never asked you out. But then there was that party and I was drunk and confident and you know the rest. I felt like an asshole afterwards, which was why I didn’t try and talk to you.”

His words were nearly impossible to believe. I’d been embarrassed about the whole thing as well, and then I’d gotten pregnant, which really made me not want to talk to him. My pregnancy had hit its final stages during summer vacation, so the chances of him seeing me with a giant belly were slim. And I transferred schools, but she’d already been born.

“I’m sorry about that. But now I understand why you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. You didn’t look pregnant, though. How did you hide it?”

“Loose clothing; it helped that Emily wasn’t very big. And I dropped out of all my extra-curricular activities. My parents didn’t want anyone to know so they paid my brother to keep his mouth shut. Not that he cared if people knew. He just wanted the money.”

Eddie shook his head.

“That’s a little fucked up, Audrey.”

“I know. The whole situation was.” When you’re a kid, you think your family is normal, like everyone else’s. Then you go to school, or meet other kids and realize that things are different. I didn’t know how messed up the situation was with my parents until I met other kids, and even then, it wasn’t until I spent a lot of time with Will and Lottie, and even Stryker and Trish, that I saw how strong the bonds of family could be, and just how weak mine were.

“I feel like I’m reevaluating everything now. I know she’s young, but I don’t want to be a disappointment to her, you know? I want to be a good person for her. I’ve never had that before. This is just so crazy.” He smiled and shook his head again.

“I tried to be better, but I don’t think I did a very good job. I still made a lot of mistakes.”

“Do you regret giving her up?” I didn’t mind that he was asking me so many questions. He was one of the only people who could. Who deserved to know the answers.

“In the moment, yes. It was the single hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I knew that if I could get through that, I could get through anything, but I knew that it was right. Can you imagine if I’d kept her and then she’d gotten sick? I couldn’t deal with that.”

“Yeah, I definitely couldn’t. No way.”

“Are you going to tell your parents?” I was still wired up from meeting my daughter, so I just stared at my food and pushed it around on my plate. Eddie did the same.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure if they could handle it. You know, having a grandchild out there that they can’t see whenever they want. I’ll have to think about it. I guess I’m going to have to tell them if I’m a match, though. I don’t know. I haven’t decided.”

We talked more about other things and then he drove me back to the dorms.

“So you’ll let me know when you hear?” I said, getting out of the car.

“The second I know the results, I’ll let you know. Promise. Thanks so much for letting me come, and when you talk to Maria, thank her for me. I’m going to call her tonight, but I just really want her to know how much this means to me.”

“I will.”

“Hey, how are you feeling?” A voice that wasn’t Lottie’s asked as a hand moved my sweaty hair from my forehead.

I opened my eyes and found Audrey looking down at me with concern written on her face.

“Better,” I said, and it was the truth. My throat wasn’t on fire and I could breathe through my nose again. Also, the magic soup had stayed down and my stomach was no longer acting like I was on the deck of a pitching and heaving boat in the ocean.

“How was your day?” I turned on my side and she sat down next to me.

“Good. It was good.” She smiled and her white teeth flashed in the dark of the room. She’d kept the lights off when she came in. Since it was dark outside now, I’d obviously been sleeping for a while.

“Did you see Lottie?” I asked.

“Yeah, I called her and told her when I’d be back. She just left. Oh, and she said to give you this.” She handed me a note.

There’s leftover soup in the fridge if you need it, but I don’t think you will. You’re welcome.

Your loving and awesome sister,

Lottie

I shook my head at the note.

“You’re so lucky to have someone who cares about you so much,” Audrey said, reading the note again.

“I care about you. And so does Lottie and everyone else. What would make you think that you don’t have people who are care about you? Just because your parents are dicks, doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. Some of us fit in the family we’re born into and some get to choose their family. My parents love me, I know that, and we get along great, but I don’t think they really understand me all that much. They get Lottie better. But then I found Simon and even though we seemed like we had nothing in common, we got each other. You get me, and even though I will probably never fully get you, I kind of like that. Keeps me on my toes.”

She smiled and kissed my forehead.

“Ugh, I’m gross and sweaty.” I was also still covered in VapoRub. “I should take a shower.” I tossed the covers off and started to get up.

“I’ll come with you,” Audrey said, giving me a hand up. “We’ll get clean together.”

I liked the sound of that plan.

Aud wasn’t one of those girls who was always on her phone, but the next few days I kept catching her pulling it out, or just staring at it constantly. I asked her about it the first few times, but she would just brush me off, or give me some sort of half-assed excuse.

I also caught her staring off into space and thinking a lot. Well, a lot more than usual. Once, she even did it while we were having sex.

“Aud?” I said, pausing, mid-thrust. She looked up at me as if she was waking up after a dream.

“I’m right here,” she said, stroking my back. “I’m right here with you.” I almost lost my hard-on, but she started begging me and digging her nails into my back and I kept going. I couldn’t say no when she begged me.

Lottie told me that Audrey was just distracted and that I shouldn’t worry.

“Why are you always trying to find a problem where there isn’t one? It’s not healthy.” I’d gone over to her place to have her help me find the roller skates that Aud had described to me. I was having no luck finding them online, but Lottie found the exact pair on eBay after some searching.

“Don’t you get scared? About Zan?” She nodded.

“All the time. But I can’t let that fear ruin what we have. Hell, I could be hit by a car tomorrow. Anything can happen. You have to live in the moment. I can’t believe I have to tell you this. I feel like we’ve switched personalities,” she said.

I tried to take her advice to heart, but it wasn’t easy. I left her place and went back to my dorm room to grab something and found Simon crying. I could count the number of times I’d seen him cry on one hand, so this was a big deal.

“What happened?” He looked up at me and wiped his eyes with a tissue. He would always yell at me for using my sleeve when we were younger.

“Brady and I had a fight. It was so stupid. I don’t even know why we fought. It was one of those things where it escalated and then I forgot why we were fighting. I’m sorry.”

I sat down next to him on his bed.

“Was it breakup bad?” Simon had never been in such a serious relationship before and I knew if they broke up, it was going to be devastating.

“I don’t think so. I hope not. I don’t know how I’d survive it. I love him, Will.” His voice broke and he put his head in his hands. Neither Lottie or I was really good at the comfort thing, but when your best friend is hurting so much, it doesn’t matter if you suck at doing the comforting thing. You do it anyway.

“I’m sure you’ll work it out. He loves you so much.” I’d never really seen two people who were that disgustingly in love. And happy. They were so fucking happy, you could feel it in the air around them.

“And I’m pretty sure that if you didn’t fight there would be something wrong with you. Oh, and make-up sex is the best sex, so you have that to look forward to.” I was grasping for ways to spin this positively.

Simon chuckled at my mention of make-up sex.

“You’re right about that.” He sighed. “It just that this is the first big fight and I’m so afraid to lose him, and it’s not just him. His parents are so wonderful, and they make me feel like I’m part of their family. I feel that way with you and Lottie, too, but it’s different.”

“I know, I know.”

I sat with him for a little while and we talked about relationships and I tried to give wise advice and tell him that it was going to be okay. I was in the middle of telling him about a crazy fight I’d had with Kandy when there was a frantic knock at the door.

I got up to answer it and saw a red-faced and still-crying Brady through the peephole.

“It’s him,” I said in a low voice. “Do you want me to let him in?”

“Babe, please let me in. I’m so sorry,” Brady yelled loud enough for both of us (and probably the whole hallway) to hear.

Simon nodded and I opened the door. Brady staggered in, sobbing and apologizing. Simon got up and held out his arms and I saw my cue to leave. I grabbed my stuff and made a quick exit before the make-up sex started.

“So here’s a question for you,” Stryker said the next night at dinner. Brady and Simon were cuddled up on the couch, as close as ever and they definitely both had a killer sex glow going on. I kept catching them whispering to each other and I had the feeling that the make-up sex was more of a marathon than a sprint.

“Yes, Abe?” Katie said, earning a glare from Stryker. She’d started calling him by the nickname for his middle name, mostly because it made him mad.

“I know we’re all doing our own Valentine’s Day things, but how about we all go out the day after? Sort of like a Valentine’s Hangover Day.” I was kind of shocked at his suggestion, but he frequently surprised me.

“We could go out to dinner or something,” he said, handing out plates.

“That’s not actually a bad idea. Restaurants will be packed on V-Day, but the day after they’ll probably be pretty empty. Good idea,” I said.

“It sounds lame,” Trish said.

“You think all my ideas are lame,” Stryker said, holding the plate over her head so she couldn’t reach it.

“That’s because your ideas are lame, asshole,” she said, elbowing him in the stomach, causing him to contract in pain and bring his arm down so she could reach the plate.

“I think it sounds nice,” Audrey said, leaning her chin on my shoulder. I doled out spaghetti from a huge pot as everyone handed me their plates.

“We should have some sort of democratic process to make this decision,” Lottie said, sprinkling cheese all over her plate so that the sauce went from red to white.

“We could vote,” Zan said, shaking his head when she offered him the cheese container.

“All in favor of doing Valentine’s Hangover, raise your hand,” Stryker yelled. All of us raised our hands but Trish.

“You all suck,” she said, flopping on the couch.

“But you love romantic things,” Max said, sitting next to her. The kid didn’t talk much, but Trish had enough words for the both of them. Kind of like Lottie and Zan.

“Shut up,” she said, but her voice was soft and she had a smile on her face.

“Okay, it’s official. Valentine’s Hangover is a thing. Now where are we going to go?” Lottie said. “Not Caroline’s, obviously, because they kicked us out last time.”

“I think you know a place,” Aud said, nudging my shoulder.

“I do?” I had no idea what she was talking about.

“The pie place? Unless you still want to keep that a secret.”

“No, no that’s perfect. We’ll probably have to call ahead, because there are only a few tables.” Bea would be thrilled, and I knew she wouldn’t kick us out for being loud.

“Who likes pie?” I yelled.

“Who doesn’t like pie?” Several voices said.

I hid the album Maria gave me in the bottom drawer of my dresser under some old sweatpants that I never wore because they were full of holes. I hated hiding it in my dorm room, but I didn’t really have any other place, and I liked to have it near me so I could pull it out and see Emily’s face. Even if it was just in a picture.

Will noticed my distraction, but he was also busy planning something for me. I kept racking my brain in the moments that I wasn’t thinking/worrying about Emily with what I was going to do for him for Valentine’s Day. I had exactly zero ideas, so I went to the one person who would know what I should do.