SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (66 page)

Torture:
Somewhat loosely defined. Generally refers to erotic pain administered by means other than flagellation.

Toy:
A device used for SM or sex.

Two Squeezes:
A “squeeze signal” between players used to non-verbally signal that “I’m all right.”

Vanilla:
Non-SM. Conventional sex is often referred to as vanilla sex.

Verbal abuse:
A form of erotic play that involves calling the submissive names, insulting them, and so forth. Must be done with caution.

Water sports:
Sexual activity involving urine and/or enemas.

What if they faint? What if they fall?:
Two questions a dominant keeps in mind when dealing with a bound submissive.

Whipping:
Erotic pain administered by the use of relatively flexible instruments to strike the submissive’s body. Commonly used whipping instruments include the flogger, cat-o-nine-tails, riding crop, and cane.

Worship:
To adore the personage of the dominant. Often combined with performing some service to the dominant’s body such as massaging, kissing. or licking their feet, painting their toenails, massaging their body, bathing them, or brushing their hair. Explicitly sexual activity, such as performing oral sex on the dominant, may or may not be a part of such play.

Wrapping:
The unintentional delivering of a whip stroke in a manner that causes the tips to land on the side of the body rather than the front or back. Wrapping often leaves marks and is often a sign of a lack of skill on the dominant’s part.

Wurtenburg wheel:
A medical implement, used in the real world for neurological testing, which is popular among SM players. A small spiked wheel on the end of a handle. Sometimes called a “neuro wheel.”

Yellow:
A safeword often used to indicate “lighten up” or “let’s stop or slow down for a while.”

Yes/No/Maybe:
A negotiation strategy in which participants list all possible activities, then each participant codes each activity with a Y for “yes, I’d like to do that,” M for “I might like to try that under certain circumstances,” and N for “I don’t want to do that at this time.”

Yielding fantasies:
A personal ad “code phrase” referring to fantasies of being submissive.

Zipper:
A pain device made by stringing several clothespins or other non-toothed damps along a cord, so that the clamps can be yanked off the skin rapidly.

Abbreviations

BD, B&D. B/D:
Abbreviations for “bondage and discipline.” No dear or widely agreed upon dividing line exists between S&M and B&D.

BDSM:
A fairly recent term, coined on the Internet, which is gaining in currency as a combination of B&D, D&S, and S/M.

CBT:
Cock and Ball Torture. See definition above.

D&S:
Dominance & submission. Sometimes used as an umbrella term for what in this book is called SM; other times is used to refer specifically to play in which one partner takes control of another’s behavior.

DUBS:
Dominant’s-Utility-Belt-Syndrome. Characterizes the super-hero like appearance many dominants have due to all the equipment that hangs from their belts.

Femdom:
SM play that is female-dominant in theme.

Five-F:
Common SM emergencies: freakouts, falls, fainting, failure (electrical power failure), and fire.

SAM:
A “smart-assed masochist.” A masochist who deliberately angers, insults, or otherwise provokes a dominant into “punishing” them. SAM play is considered OK only when done in a negotiated and consensual way; otherwise, it is not held in high regard in the SM community.

SM:
Sadomasochism.

S&M:
Sadism and Masochism, also Sadomasochism.

TPE:
Net-speak for “Total Power Exchange.” A relationship in which the dominant holds complete power and control over the submissive. For most people, more an ideal than a real-world possibility.

WIITWD:
An Internet abbreviation for “what it is that we do.” Coined in an attempt to sidestep disagreements about the meaning of terms like B&D, D&S and SM.

YKINOK:
Your Kink Is Not OK. A not-very-friendly Internet term for the belief that a playstyle which is consensual and fundamentally safe is somehow just “too much.”

YMMV:
An Internet acronym for “your mileage may vary.” Indicates that the writer’s experience may not hold true for the reader.

Appendix I

Sample Event Rules

Sample Rules for a Party Given by “The Club
”

Welcome! Please read tonight’s rules carefully. Your questions, comments, and recommendations for future changes are welcomed by the Party Director. If, after reading these rules, you feel that you cannot agree to them, please leave the party. Your money will be refunded. If you stay more than 20 minutes after being shown these rules, you have agreed to abide by them.

1. Ask before touching.

Do not touch another person’s body, clothing, or equipment without their specific permission.

2. Everybody here is equal and entitled to courteous treatment.

a. A person is permitted to act dominant, or submissive, to you only after you have agreed to that.

b. An offer to play is not an insult. If you must decline an offer to play, please do so as politely as possible.

3. Respect the privacy of scenes in progress.

a. Watch from a non-intrusive distance.

b. Do not interrupt a scene in progress for routine questions or conversation.

c. Join a scene in progress only with the dominant’s permission. It is usually preferable to wait to be asked.

d. Do not make negative comments about a scene in such a way that the players can hear.

e. If you have safety questions or other concerns about a scene in progress, please communicate them immediately to the Dungeon Monitor (preferably) or to the Party Director. Do not try to handle the situation yourself.

4. Keep social conversation in the social areas.

a. Please hold ordinary conversations in the social areas. When in the play area, please keep your voices low.

b. Please do not sit on or near play equipment unless you’re using it or about to use it.

5. Keep your SM play safe.

a. Play involving any sort of suffocation, strangulation, or firearm (or other projectile weapon) is strictly prohibited.

b. Electricity play, piercing, cutting, and so forth may be done only by experienced, properly equipped, players and only after receiving the advance permission of the Dungeon Monitor.

c. Needle points protruding from skin must be blunted with tape, cork, or similar material if the pierced person is moving about the party.

d. Bondage may not impair circulation, feeling, or balance. Mouth stuffing must be attached to the gag.

e. Watch your backswing! Make sure the area beside, behind, and above you stays clear.

f. Anyone who has been bound to an fixed object, such as a chair or post, must be kept under close, constant watch by aspecified person who stays within “lunge distance’ (typically no more than 20 feet) of the bound person.

g. In order to prevent an injury-causing fall, a person whose hands have been bound behind them or secured by their sides, and/or a person whose legs are restrained in any way, must be escorted by a “spotter” while they move from place to place. This spotter must remain within arm’s reach.

6. Think carefully about sexual behavior.

a. The Club recommends but does not require that physical barriers be used during sexual activity. However, please think very carefully about with whom and howyou will be sexual. Remember the risks involved! Condoms, gloves, and other safer-sex supplies (for party use only, please) are available at no cost.

b. All body fluids must be contained within the scene. (No blood spraying from the ends of whips!) Thoroughly clean up any blood, semen, and so forth immediately after you play. Cleaning supplies are readily available.

c. Please do not use apiece of equipment that might have one person’s fluids on it on another person. Please do not leave soiled equipment where another person might sit or step on it.

7. Respect people’s privacy.

a. Some guests must remain deeply “in the closet” about where they live, their real names, their profession, what company they work for, and so forth. Please refrain from asking direct questions about these areas. It’s fine if they volunteer information, but don’t probe.

b. Disclosing another person’s name, address, phone number, or other personal information without their specific consent is extremely serious misconduct.

c. Photographing, taping, or otherwise making any record is generally discouraged and may be done only after obtaining consent of the Party Director and the people involved.

8. No pestering!

a. If your second offer to play with a particular person is declined, please don’t make a third offer at this particular party.

b. If someone says to you, “Please leave me alone,” that is considered a “social safeword.” Do not initiate further conversation with them or hover near them for the rest of the event.

c. Single women at the event are not necessarily there as dates or partners for the single men.

9. Pay attention to special announcements.

A short announcement after the doors close will cover party rules, house rules, announcements, and so forth. All guests must attend.

10. No violence, threats, or challenges.

Starting a fight, over-reacting to provocation, threatening another person in any way, or challenging them to fight either at the event or “outside,” is extremely serious misconduct.

11. The Party Director is in overall charge.

His decisions are binding for the duration of the event. Failure to obey the party rules or otherwise disturbing the event may result in being told to leave the party. In such a case, no refund will be made. Refusing to leave the party promptly after being told to leave by the Party Director may result in the police being called. The Club reserves the right to suspend and/or remove apparent violators from its mailing list and to notify other SM clubs and related entities of any apparent misconduct.

12. Safewords, etc.

a. “Safeword” itself is a “Mayday!” emergency signal indicating that the person calling it wants outside help and/or intervention from the Dungeon Monitor, Party Director, and their assistants in ending a scene or otherwise needs urgent assistance.

b. “Two thumps” is the non-verbal equivalent of calling “safeword.”

c. “Two squeezes” can be used by the Dungeon Monitor to check on someone’s well-being.

d. Depending on available facilities, people may be able to play in private. However, doors may not be locked to prevent entry. After obtaining permission from the Party Director, a “do not disturb” sign may be put up for up to one hour. The Dungeon Monitor and the Party Director may enter any “do not disturb” area as often as they feel necessary to check on the participants’ well-being. The use of gags, hoods, and other speech-restricting devices during “in private” play is prohibited.

13. Help us keep a low profile.

a. Please avoid blood-curdling screams, high-pitched shrieks, and other sounds that might alarm people outside the party.