Small-Town Moms (14 page)

Dear Lord, what is wrong with me?
Olivia prayed. She hadn't been able to think of anything much except Gabe ever since they'd talked in the pasture three days ago. After he'd said he wouldn't remarry, her heart had hurt for him. She wanted him to know what it felt like to be loved. Truly loved. Her heart was heavy for Dawn, but she understood that there was nothing she could do for her sister except love her child for her. That was the easy part. It was the part about Gabe that had her not sleeping and watching the clock each day until he arrived home.

He'd changed since their talk, too. He'd seemed less guarded, and at the dinner table he no longer sat with a wall around him. He joked and teased them. It was easy to see by the sparkle in Georgetta's eyes that she was pleased. Olivia knew that the bitterness in Gabe's heart had had his mother worried, too. She wanted her son married and happy, and she knew as well as Olivia did that he needed to get rid of the ill feelings he was carting around with him before he could move on.

Olivia had begun to pray that he would do that. God
was a big God, and she knew He could wipe the slate clean for Gabe if only he'd ask for forgiveness and show a little grace to the memory of Dawn. She prayed that God would use her to help him do this.

What confused her was how deeply she felt about it.

 

“We are so glad you came,” Norma Sue belted out on Sunday morning as Olivia and Trudy entered the Mule Hollow Church of Faith with Gabe and his family.

“I'm glad to be here. Georgetta told me it was a wonderful church and that the pastor really was a man of faith.”

“Oh, Chance Turner is that for certain. He's a man's kind of preacher…no beating around the bush with him. He's a cowboy, and you know cowboys—they tell it like it is.”

Gabe chuckled at that. “I think I know a few cowgirls who do the same thing.”

Norma Sue stuck her fists on her very well rounded hips. “I'm glad you noticed. I would never want to be known any other way.”

Olivia hadn't known the ranch woman long, but it was easy to see that with Norma Sue, you got exactly what you saw.

They moved into the church and were greeted by many people as they went to their seats. Somehow, when everyone moved into the pew to sit, she ended up sitting between Gabe and Trudy, with Wes and Georgetta sitting on the end.

The preacher's sermon was simple and easy to understand, and as sincere as any she'd heard. True, he was a cowboy, and she had to admit that she'd never heard a
preacher ask, at the end of the service, for anyone who wasn't a member of the church to “saddle up” with them. Or that if one hadn't accepted the Lord as one's Savior, Pastor Turner wished they would say their piece, talk it over with the Lord, then accept the peace He offered through salvation. She liked the way he spoke. It was real and fit the community. The walls of the church might be traditional, but it was filled with cowboy after cowboy, and so it was fitting that the preacher was one, too.

What hit her the hardest was that his sermon was on grace. Several times during the service, Gabe glanced over at her. She wondered if he connected the sermon with his own life. Even wondering about this, she felt good sitting beside him. She'd missed worshiping with Justin, and for a long time after his death going to church had been hard. But slowly she'd grown used to sitting without him beside her. Looking at Gabe, she couldn't deny that it felt good.

“Are y'all staying for lunch?” Esther Mae called, hurrying over as soon as they walked out into the sunshine.

“We certainly are,” Georgetta assured her. “I packed a cake and a roast in the car.” She turned to Gabe. “Would you two mind getting that for me? I need to talk to Esther Mae.”

“Sure, is that okay with you?” Gabe looked at Olivia.

“I'd love to go get that cake. My mouth has been watering for it ever since I saw it this morning.” Georgetta must have gotten up at the crack of dawn to finish the coconut cake so early. She glanced over and saw Trudy talking with a couple of boys about her age. She was smiling, and that did Olivia's heart good.

“So, do you play volleyball?”

“I love it, actually. Why?”

They were walking across the parking lot and Gabe's elbow grazed hers. “Because you are looking at some volleyball-playing maniacs back there. Norma Sue is like the general giving orders to her troops. And Esther Mae gets so excited that she'll run you over in a heartbeat.”

“Sounds like my kind of game. Do you play?”

“When they drag me out there. I prefer to watch. It's better than a
Rocky
movie.”

“That I have to see. And I guess, since I didn't bring a change of clothes, I'll be watching myself.”

“We'll watch together—how's that?”

She nodded, watching him open the back door of the truck. She moved to take the cake, but instead of handing it to her, he just looked down at her. Her heart fluttered, and for a moment she thought he was thinking about kissing her! The idea sent a shiver down her spine, and her throat went dry as the desert. Her heart beat loudly. “So,” she croaked. “I guess we better get back.”

He nodded. “Yeah, we better.” Looking a bit rattled himself, he finally reached for the cake and handed it to her. Their fingers touched in transition. She was amazed how such a small touch could send every nerve in her body spinning.

Nope. No volleyball for her. She wouldn't do anything but make a fool out of herself if she got out there. When her nerves were shot, she didn't tend to have too much eye-to-hand coordination. She'd just be fodder for
America's Funniest Home Videos
if she tried to play right now.

 

They had a great time in fellowship at church. And though she was too involved in the moment to dwell on her worry, she knew God was listening to her prayers because of the message on the power of grace. She hadn't been able to tell if it hit home with Gabe, but she prayed that it had. Surely if Jesus could pardon people—sinners that everyone on earth were—then Gabe had to find grace for Dawn. It was the only way for him to be free. It was the only way for him to love again.

And she realized she wanted him to love again.

She wanted it more than she could understand, and her heart ached thinking about it. The thought of leaving in a week was heavy on her heart. If she could leave knowing he was better, it would be easier.

Yes, that was where all of her reluctance to leave was coming from. Wasn't it?

 

Gabe unhooked the cattle trailer from his truck just as the sun was setting. From this barn in the back section of his ranch, he could see the very tip of the house above the trees. If the house didn't sit on a hill, he wouldn't be able to see it at all. He wondered what his family had done today while he was at the cattle sale.

It hit him that when he thought of family, he'd included Olivia and Trudy along with Wes and his mother. He went still at the dangerous, unexpected thought. He knew he was in trouble thinking that way.

Just the fact that the feeling had come out of nowhere hit home hard. It had been a little over two weeks since Olivia had arrived at his doorstep, but it seemed like so much longer. It was as if he'd known her for years.

Watching the sun set, Gabe's heart was heavy. She
would be leaving soon. The thought had begun to eat at him. It made him agitated. But it was foolish on his part to feel this way. After all he'd been through with Dawn, he knew better than to let his emotions lead him. He knew better than to let his heart—he yanked up on that thought the second it kicked in. His
heart
wasn't getting into this.

His heart was going to stay locked away behind closed doors. Hadn't he learned anything from Dawn's betrayal?

But you didn't love Dawn. You only thought you did.

This was true. He'd known that almost from the beginning, and yet he'd locked his heart away from everyone but Wes.

Even his mother had had trouble getting through the barriers at times.

Olivia wasn't her sister. The thought kept knocking on the door, and he couldn't help thinking about the Bible verse where Jesus talked about knocking at the door…all anyone had to do to accept His grace and love and forgiveness was to let Jesus in.

“Why are you comparing Olivia to a Bible verse?” he growled as he stalked to his truck.

The sermon on Sunday had been on grace. That God gave people grace, and if they wanted to be Christians, they had to show that same grace to those around them.

That came to Dawn.

He wasn't sure if he could do it. But he knew that had to be why he was comparing Olivia and Jesus knocking on the door of his heart. They both wanted the same
thing of him. They wanted him to pardon Dawn. They wanted him to forgive her and move on.

As he headed home, he struggled. He wasn't sure if he could do it. But he prayed God would lead him. And he knew, at least, that was a start.

 

“What's Mother's Day?” Wes asked on Wednesday afternoon. Gabe had come home early to let them ride, and Wes was sitting behind Trudy as she rode Pony Boy in a wide circle around Gabe. At his question, Trudy glanced at Olivia.

“It's next Sunday, isn't it, Mom?”

“It sure is.”

“We made a card about it in Sunday School. But we're not 'sposed to tell y'all.”

Gabe was standing in the center of the pen holding the lead rope as the horse walked about him in a circle. As Wes spoke, Gabe turned so that his gaze met hers.

They were like magnets that were drawn to each other but couldn't be. They'd been catching each other staring over the last few days. Each time, her heart stumbled and knotted. Oh, how she… Stop. She knew she was on dangerous ground. Crazy ground.

She'd only known him for two weeks.
Two weeks.

“You give your mother a card to show her you love her,” Trudy said. She enjoyed making homemade cards, and Olivia cherished each one. “Who did you make a card for?” There was an edge to her voice that caught Olivia's attention.

“I made a card for Grandma, but I want to make a card for Olivia.”

“But—” Trudy stiffened in front of him.

Olivia's heart cried out at the sweet, frank way he
said the words. She would have to tell Trudy not to be upset with him.

“We can make cards. That would be fun. Wouldn't it, Trudy?”

Her daughter cut stubborn, slightly jealous eyes toward her. Olivia gave her an imploring look, asking her to give the child some slack.

“It would be fun,” she said at last. Wes's squeal of delight would have made any other horse but Pony Boy kick up and run, but the good old horse just kept right on plodding along. Duke, however, jumped to his feet from where he'd been napping. The big puppy looked up at his little buddy with expectant, bright eyes.

Olivia bent and petted him. “It's okay, boy. He's all right.”

But was she?

The very idea of Wes wanting to make her a Mother's Day card had her heart pounding. How, oh, how was she going to leave behind the child she'd come to love so instantly?

When she looked up, her gaze locked on Gabe. She saw that he'd turned as the horse moved around, and his profile was exposed to her. Was it her imagination or did he look pale beneath his tan?

Goodness, the web that was woven about them.

If she would let herself—and she wasn't going to—but if she let herself, she knew she could love him.

She knew she could stay here with Trudy and make this a family…if she let her heart go and have free will.

But she couldn't do that. She had to hold tight to her heart, to her emotions. She had to.

O
livia's heart was sad at the thought that she and Trudy would be leaving on Mother's Day. When she'd come to visit, she hadn't even thought about it. But now it seemed like such an inappropriate day to leave.

“You like it?” Wes asked, proudly holding up the heart card he'd so carefully cut out. She'd helped him with the scissors, and Trudy had quietly helped him with the glue and with placing white cutout hearts on the larger heart.

Olivia ran her hand lovingly down Trudy's hair, patting her shoulder. “You did a great job helping Wes,” she said, smiling at both children.

“Do you like my card?” Trudy asked.

“I love it. Thank you.” The card Trudy made was beautiful with cutout flowers and hearts and colored words telling her she was the best mom ever. “You are the best daughter a mother could ask for, honey.”

“Am I the best son?”

Wes's question reached inside and broke all Olivia's defenses down. “Yes, you are,” she said, unable to say anything but what she felt. Oh, how she wanted to be
his mother. How she wanted to fill that role left vacant by her sister.

What a mess she was in!

 

“Are you all right?”

Olivia stiffened at Gabe's question but continued to stare out into the night. She hadn't been able to sleep, and so she'd dressed and come outside. The sky was beautiful and clear with sparkling stars so bright they looked like diamonds on black velvet. If only her heart was as clear as the dark sky, she would be doing fine. “No. I'm not,” she admitted truthfully.

Gabe came up behind her, and though he didn't touch her she could feel him. Every fiber of her being was alert to him.

“Olivia,” he said, his voice gruff and questioning.

She crossed her arms tighter and held on. If she didn't, she knew she would turn and reach for him. But he wasn't hers to reach for. She had no one to reach for. Not any longer.

Closing her eyes, she reminded herself to breathe, trying to calm the quaking of her spirit.

“Olivia,” he said again, and her heart stilled as he gently laid his hands on her shoulders and turned her toward him. Time was standing still as her gaze met his. “I haven't been able to think about anything but you lately.”

Gabe's eyes were fierce as he stepped close and wrapped his arms around her. Olivia's breath caught, and she couldn't move. She'd longed for this in her heart of hearts—the knowledge whispered through her as Gabe lowered his lips to hers.

She hadn't untwined her arms, as if holding them
crossed could keep her heart from completely opening. But as he held her and kissed her, she found them open and wrapped around his waist of their own accord. Her arms had been empty since losing Justin. Until Gabe, she'd only longed to have him back, filling the void he'd left in her world. But now, Gabe was here and it was right. She kissed him with all of her emotion. And it hit her that only love could make this so right.

Only love could have her letting go of longing for Justin and opening her heart for a new future.

A future?

She pulled back abruptly as it hit her full force that she had no idea if a future was out there for her and Gabe.

“I—think we need to move apart.” Her words were breathless, shaken. As shaken as her world. He moved back, raking both hands through his hair.

“I'm not sure how this happened,” he said. “I can't seem to concentrate on anything except that you're leaving in a few days.”

“Yes. I am.”

His eyes darkened with emotion, his handsome face distraught. “I don't want you to go.”

Such simple words. Such complicated words.

“I don't want to go.”
I love you.
She wasn't even shocked knowing this. She loved him. But she didn't really know him…did she?

How could she love someone she'd only met two weeks ago? She'd fallen for Justin quickly, but they'd dated for a year before actually marrying. But she'd known within a few weeks that he was the man she wanted to spend her life with.

So why was she in such shock that she could love Gabe?

Moving away from him, she walked out into the yard. Fireflies hovered in the field, and she walked toward the fence that separated the yard from where they were twinkling in the dark.

“I haven't seen these much lately,” she said when Gabe walked to stand beside her.

“There are more of them this year than I've seen in a long time.”

She looked at him, and her stomach felt unsettled by all that was going through her head and heart. “You're a good man, Gabe. I haven't told you that, but I've watched you over the last two weeks, and though I wasn't sure what you were doing when I first arrived, I do now. You really were protecting Wes. I hope you see now that I'm not going to harm him.”

“I know you would never harm him. You are nothing like his— Like your sister.”

“You know you are going to have to forgive her like I said before.”

He didn't answer that. Instead he reached and traced his finger along her jaw. “I've been praying about it. I'm not sure I can. But Olivia, I know there's a reason you came into my life. I told you I didn't know if I could ever remarry.”

“I think your words were more along the lines of you would never be a fool again. Which saddens me to see that bitterness getting to you.”

He stepped close again. “I could move forward with you. You are good for Wes. You could be the mother he'll never know. You can be that connection to her that is so important to you.”

Not worded exactly as she would have liked it to be, but still, he was asking her to stay. “I couldn't stay unless there was more reason than being good for Wes. As crazy as it sounds, I've fallen in love with you in a couple of weeks. That scares me. But it's true.” There—she'd said it. But her heart ached, and there was nothing about the sound of the words that was romantic. It sounded stiff and short. Layered over by his bitterness and what he'd just said. No. As much as she loved Wes, she couldn't stay just because of that. It wouldn't be fair to any of them.

“I need to go inside, now.” She started to go, then turned back and gently kissed him on the lips. “I believe you are strong enough and faithful enough to let Dawn's memory rest in peace so that you may have peace in your heart. It's the only way—if you believe there is a future for us—that we could have one. It would have to be on the right foundation. You need to be free of this bitterness.”

He didn't say anything as she headed toward the house. She'd fallen in love, but there was no joy in it. Opening the door, she slipped inside the quiet house and felt as if she were closing the door on any hope that they could have a life together.

What had she been thinking anyway?

The best thing for her was to leave as planned. She and Trudy had a life in Houston. Houston was where they belonged. Not here, in Mule Hollow. Not here with Wes and Gabe.

 

“Mom, I can't find Wes.” Trudy came into the kitchen where Olivia and Georgetta were talking. Olivia had
been trying to keep her emotions hidden from Georgetta, but it was hard. She was very observant. And hopeful.

“What do you mean?” Olivia asked, standing up.

“Where did he go?” Georgetta asked at the same time. They were all walking to the porch as they spoke.

Trudy looked upset. “We—we went outside to play and I—” She stopped talking. “He went to hide in one of his secret places, and I can't find him in any of them.”

Olivia tried to hold down the worry that filled her and remain calm. “He's got to be around here somewhere. Come on, let's hurry up and go check his hiding places once more. Maybe he was hiding from you when you looked for him.”

Trudy looked pensive. “Maybe.”

Twenty minutes later they'd looked at all the places where he'd taken them. The trees behind the barn where he had a makeshift fort built. The hayloft. The bushes near the pump house and the mesquite trees out in the center of the pasture. They called his name and spread out, but he was nowhere to be found.

“We have to call Gabe,” she and Georgetta said almost in unison when they didn't find him in the mesquite trees. “This is too far away from the house. If he's gone farther than this he could be lost.”

“He knows better than to go off,” Georgetta said, worry filling her voice. “Come on, let's go call.”

“No, you go call. I'm going to keep looking.” Olivia couldn't stand the thought of Wes being lost. Her heart was pounding, and her hands were shaking as she turned to go. Trudy didn't move.

“Mom,” she said, drawing Olivia back. “I—I told him to get lost.”

“What?” She turned to her daughter. “Honey, why did you do that?”

Trudy looked grief-stricken. “Because he was talking about you and how he wanted you to be his momma. I—” she looked down at the ground “—I told him you were my momma.” The last word came on a whisper and then a wail. “I didn't mean it. I mean I didn't—”

“Oh, Trudy.” Olivia wrapped her arms around Trudy and met Georgetta's alarmed but sympathetic eyes. “I'll always be your mother. I'm always going to be here for you.” Oh, how she prayed that God would allow her daughter to get over this fear that gripped her. She knew it came from losing her dad, but how could Olivia help Trudy?

Trudy nodded against her shoulder. “We have to find Wes,” she whimpered. “He's just a little kid.”

“Okay then.” Olivia leaned back and gripped Trudy by the shoulders. “You come with me. Georgetta, you go call Gabe—as late as it is, you probably need to call in some help.”

Georgetta nodded. “I'll call in the troops. Don't you worry. This place will be crawling with help within just a few minutes. More Mule Hollow folks than you can shake a stick at will come. We'll find Wes, don't you worry, Trudy honey.”

Olivia could have kissed Georgetta for her gracious handling of her child. She only prayed that Wes would be found safe and sound.

“Come on, Momma. Let's go find Wes.”

“First, let's take the time to pray. God knows where He is, and we need to pray that He'll keep him safe and lead us to him.”

Her face solemn, Trudy blinked big blue eyes at her.
“But will He really hear us? Sometimes…I wonder. Daddy—” Her words broke off.

“Oh, Trudy, God always hears us. Sometimes we don't understand the things that happen, but you must know that He cares for you. He is with you even in the bad times. He always hears you, but He knows the big picture. I know you prayed for your daddy. But it was his time to go be with the Lord. We won't ever understand it, but we have to accept it. That doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt.”

Trudy nodded. “I feel bad. Because I was mean to Wes and he lost his momma and I lost my daddy. I shouldn't have been mean.”

Olivia hugged her again. “You are ten years old. That's not old enough to always do the right thing. I'm thirty-three and I don't often do the right thing. God understands.”

They needed to go look for Wes. “Let's pray,” she said, and then said a quick heartfelt prayer that God would keep Wes safe and lead them to him. And then, hand in hand, they went to look for him.