So Many Reasons Why (3 page)

Emma!
I screamed inside my head.
He is your
fucking professor who was just teasing you. DO NOT go there!

Unfortunately for me, frisky Emma had already gone there.

The next two hours were spent working on my assignment.
Though it didn't help me take my mind off things, it did help me put things in
perspective. I felt better than I had a few hours ago, but that could have just
been the combination of Vallium and beer.

My attack hadn't taken long to prepare. I had all the
details already. I was lucky that my parents had fought to have my name
withheld from all public documents. I couldn't imagine having had to go back to
school with everyone knowing what had happened. And this meant my name wasn't
mentioned in my essay at all. The second crime, the current one, I was having
more trouble with. I flicked open my email, and headed straight to compose.

Hi Simon,

Sorry to bother you on your home email, I just wanted
to see if you could run over this for me? I also have no idea what to do for
the current crime. Not being able to get out into the courts and stuff makes it
difficult as I only have what's happening in the news to go by.

Sorry to bother you, enjoy your weekend.

Emma

It was only after that I sent the email I saw the reply from
my earlier email sitting in my in box. I suddenly felt embarrassed. Flirting
with him had seemed like a great idea at the time, but now the reality of it
was setting in, and so were the repercussions. I bit my lip and opened the
email.

No, not all the girls. Just you.

Simon

Romantic Emma began to swoon.

“You are looking happier.” I glanced up from my computer to
see Tom standing in front of me clutching two coffee cups and a bag of donuts.
I hadn't even heard him come in. He handed me the coffee. Caffeine. Exactly
what I needed.  “Get much done?”

I shrugged. “Of the assignment? Not really. But I managed to
avoid thinking for most of the afternoon.” That part was true. My emailing
session with Simon had been great for distracting my thoughts.

“Cass and the twins are on their way over.” I informed him.
Tom groaned, making me giggle. It was no secret he wasn't the biggest fan of
the twins. I couldn't blame him. They were loud, sometimes they were crude, and
they were often obnoxious. However, Cass loved them, so I did my best to
tolerate them. Tom, however, did not have my patience.

“Uh, no offence, but I'm outta here.” He kissed me on the
cheek and stood up. I followed him to the door. “I will call you later.” I
rolled my eyes. He was such a wuss.

Cass was one of the best people I knew. Both she and Tom
were two of the most selfless, caring people who would do anything for a
friend, and just as much for a stranger.

Cass had been like a rock for me. I didn't know where I'd be
without her in my life. We spoke about everything, from boys, to parents, to
intimate details of the attack. She and Tom were the only two people not to
treat me differently afterwards. Even those that didn't know avoided me on the
basis of one of the many rumours flying around the school. One of my earliest
memories was making friends with Tom on the first day of grade one before
classes started. He'd just sort of attached himself to me, cheering me up with
his humour. At lunchtime, Tom had noticed Cass crying by herself into her
sandwich, and called her over to join us. The three of us had been best friends
ever since.

One thing I loved most about our relationship was living
vicariously through Cass's love life. She was such a beautiful girl, as much on
the outside as she was inside. With her stunning figure, tumbling mane of red
hair and big blue eyes that could light up a room, she had guys lining up for
her attention everywhere she went. Every week she had a different story about a
boy she had hooked up with. I got more entertainment out of listening to Cass
than any reality show could ever provide for me.

Between the stories I'd heard from her and Gran, I was pretty
sure I never wanted to date again.

My heart twinged as I read over Simon's messages. Did I
really have a crush after a few simple flirty emails? Or was I just reading
into things to avoid thinking about Derek?

God maybe my grandmother was right, maybe I did need to get
laid. I glanced at the clock on the oven. Almost eight. The girls would be here
soon, though probably fifteen minutes late, knowing Cass. In all my life I'd
never met anyone as unaware of time as Cass. She was never on time, to the
point where Tom and I often told her fifteen minutes earlier so we didn't have
to wait.

I put the finishing touches on the food, and carried them
over to the table with Carol darting in and out of my legs like it was a race.
I swear the cat was trying to trip me.

“Okay Carol, come over here.”

She bounced over to her food bowl and waited anxiously while
I poured in some biscuits. I swear she looked up at me gratefully as she chewed
down mouthfuls of salmon flavoured delights.

I could hear the girls giggling in the hallway five minutes
before they reached my apartment. I did what I had to when anyone other than my
tight circle of friends came over. I popped a pill. I waited anxiously for them
to reach the door. Do I open now? Do I wait? The indecision was making me feel
sick. The pill was slowly kicking in, I could feel the anxiety easing. I know
longer felt like it was suffocating me. Now it was just there. Waiting.

“There are other residents to consider, you know, girls. Get
in here.” I teased, holding the door open. I forced a smile. They shuffled in,
kissing and hugging me on the way.

“Mel was just telling us about her new boyfriend.”

“I’ve seen him twice. He is hardly my boyfriend.” She argued,
unable to keep the smile off her face. They shuffled out of their coats and
hung them on the back of the door.

“Tell me about him. How did you meet?” I pushed them toward
the couch, motioning to the food and glasses. I just needed them to sit down
and focus on something that wasn't me. Cass set the alcohol down on the table,
and poured a glass of wine for each of us. She glanced at me. I knew my mask
didn't work on her. She was too in tune with me.

“There is not much to tell. I met him at the gym. He is a
few years older than me, he works in a stockbroking firm.” She shrugged her
shoulders. “He’s nice. I'm seeing him again on Sunday.”

We all giggled at Mel's attempts to sound casual. She was
clearly crushing on the guy. I began to settle down as the girls chatted
amongst themselves. It was enough just to reduce it down to a level I could
handle. My nerves were slowly settling back into their places. The anxiety
never left though. I rarely felt no effects of the anxiety, even with the
medication. 

“I haven't seen you this way since Bill Pompton in year
six.” Kally snorted, ducking as her sister tried to swat her.

“Bill Pompton!” shrieked Mel, laughing. She stomped her feet
in delight. “I was, what, twelve? I just wanted the bastard to kiss me! All he
wanted to do was play computer games.”

I caught Cass staring at me again. She smiled, and winked,
tucking a loose strand of red hair behind her ear. That was Cass all over. Any
social situation I was involved in, she'd spend more time was checking in on me
than she did enjoying herself. I had trouble joking about my childhood, and she
knew that. I'd missed out on the little crushes and boyfriends and stuff like
that. I couldn't blame Mel though. It wasn't like she knew. Why shouldn't she
share her latest crush with her friends? I listened to the girls chatter away
while I grabbed a handful of DVDs from the cabinet. I thrust them at Cass. I
squeezed her hand as she took them from me, my way of telling her I was okay.

“You choose.” I instructed, falling into my seat, already
exhausted. I felt my phone fall out of my pocket. Fishing around under the
cushion I pulled out a crunchie wrapper, a hair tie, and finally, my phone, or
rather Tom's phone. Carol appeared out of nowhere like a ninja to take
possession of the hair tie, before flying into my bedroom.

I had handled my phone more today than I had in the last
year. All because of a boy, or rather a man. A man I hoped had replied to my
email.

Emma,

Wow. Fantastic work. You don't need my help at all. I
love the way you manage to get right inside the victims head, you certainly did
your research on this one. With the second piece, I shouldn't do this, but I
have attached some court documents from a recent case I was working on. This,
along with what you can find in the media, along with the victim impact
statement should be enough to finish the essay.

On another note, email me any time. I can imagine how
hard it would be to be at home all the time. If you ever just want a friend to
chat to, I'm your guy.

Simon.

I read, and re-read the email over and over. My heart
pounded, my palms felt sweaty. He's my guy? I blushed.
Wow, twenty and my
first crush,
I thought. It was all the symptoms of a panic attack, but in a
good way. I wanted to know everything about him. Cass had finally decided on
The Notebook
, and was rolling through
the credits. She glanced over my way.

“You ready?”

“Just a minute.” I flicked my laptop open. Simon Anderson,
NYC University. The first site was the school homepage. After navigating my way
to the Professors page, I clicked on his profile and gasped.

“What is it?”

Shit. I needed to reign in my gasps. They attracted way too
much attention. I swirled around in my chair, trying to block the screen off.
Cass had appeared from nowhere. She pushed my arms aside and squinted at the
screen.

“What is-Why are you looking up Professor Anderson?” She
looked confused. I blushed, not sure of what to say.

“He was helping me with an assignment. I just wanted to see
what he looked like, and what he does.” I explained as Cass sat down next to
me.

“You could have just asked me.” she reminded. “I took the
class too.”

Shit. I'd forgotten about that. Could I look any more like
an idiot right now? I nodded numbly, mumbling something incoherent about
essays.

“So?”

“So what?”

Cass gestured to the screen. “What do you want to know? He's
hot. He is in his forties I think.” She paused. “Or maybe late thirties. 
He only does the one lecture a week. He works for the District Attorney’s
office. And” She paused again, taking a breath. “He is an asshole.”

She was right. About the hotness. He was hot. Extremely hot,
with thick, luscious dark hair that my hands just wanted to dive into, and
piercing green eyes. The way he filled out his suit made my legs buckle. I
scanned through his profile. He was 38. Married? Damn. My heart fell.

“I think I heard he was separated from his wife.” Cass
commented, as if reading my mind. I could have kissed her.  “They have a
kid I think. Pretty young. A girl.” Cass looked at me strangely. “So he is
helping you? He was pretty tough in class. He didn't really offer much in the
way of extra assistance. I think he had a group tutoring session once a week,
and that was it.” I nodded, and shut my laptop, positive my face was bright
red.

“I was just curious. He mentioned working on a case and I
wondered exactly what he did.” I shrugged. “I said I was sick, I think he felt
sorry for me and sent through some notes.”

Cass wasn't buying. She eyed me for what felt like forever.
Finally, she nodded. She knew something was up, but she left it at that.

She dragged me over to the couch. My mind kept wandering
away from the movie. Who needed
The
Notebook
when my own love story was developing? I wanted to groan and tease
the part of me that thought this was a good idea.

Damn you, frisky Emma.

When I was sure Cass was too caught up in the movie to care
about me anymore, I quietly pulled out my phone.

Hi Simon,

I might take you up on the friend thing. You're right,
I don't get to expand my circle too much at the moment. I'm watching some girly
movies right now with some friends. And Carol of course. She loves
The Notebook
. By the way, I googled you.

Emma

I simultaneously pressed send and regretted adding the last
line. What the hell? Who says that? I googled you? I wouldn't be surprised if
the police rocked up to arrest me for stalking. I was one step away from laying
my lingerie out in his bed. I cringed again. I googled you?
Jesus Emma, you're a fuck head.

Cass was staring at me strangely, not that I blamed her.
First the random gasping, and now the loud groans? I'd be suspicious too. 
My phone vibrated wildly in my pocket. Shit. I smiled innocently at Cass until
she turned her attention back to the movie.

Emma,

Really, you googled me? Should I be worried? Or
flattered ;) What did you find out exactly? And I must admit I am curious as to
why you googled me. Curious to see what I looked like hey? Should I be changing
my locks?

Simon

Relief and terror flowed through me. It was all very
confusing. Was he being friendly here, or flirting? Did I even know the
difference? I desperately wanted to ask Cass, but I wasn't ready to admit this
(whatever it was) to anyone yet. The only thing I was sure about was how glad I
was that I didn't have to attend his class after this. Now that would have been
weird and very awkward.

Well you have tickets on yourself, Mr Anderson. I
googled you because you mentioned a case you were working on and I was curious
about what you did. I didn't even think to look for a picture of you, didn't
even cross my mind. Sorry to squash your ego there :)