So Many Reasons Why (23 page)

As the sonogram ran over my lubricated stomach the sound of
a heartbeat filled my ears. Tears filled my eyes. My baby's heartbeat. I
glanced over at Simon and saw he too was crying. He reached for my hand and
squeezed it. Dr Lazonski cleared his throat. Both Simon and I looked at him. I
felt the familiar sense of anxiety run through my body. He looked concerned.
Why did he look concerned?

“Peter?” prompted Simon nervously. His grip on my hand
tightened.

“The baby is fine. Heartbeat is strong.” He began. I felt
Simon's grip ease slightly. “My concern is with you, Emma.”

“Me?” I repeated, startled.

“You have extensive scarring from your attack. Possibly the
worst I've seen.” He added. “In this case I'd usually advise strongly for
termination of the pregnancy.” His words hit me like a ton of bricks.
Termination? Of my little miracle? How could he even suggest that?

“No.” I shook my head with venom. I began to tremble. Simon
snuggled closer to me. He was shaking too.

“Emma, carrying this baby poses significant risks for both
you and the baby. The chances of you delivering a full term baby are about 10%.
More concerning for me at the moment is the strain this pregnancy would put on
your body.”

“But the fact that I managed to get pregnant is against the
odds.” I whispered helplessly. How could I be given this chance and have it
ripped away from me so soon?

“Yes, you even getting pregnant is a medical miracle in
itself.” Peter acknowledged. “The doctors wouldn't have seen the point in
discussing the risks with you if you did happen to get pregnant.” He paused for
a moment, taking a deep breath. “Emma, the chances of you surviving this
pregnancy are very slim.”

I turned to Simon. I needed his support now more than ever.
His eyes were filled with worry, for me, and for his baby growing inside me.

“I can't.” I whispered, shaking my head. I silently pleaded
with Simon to understand. I needed him to understand why I couldn't give up
this chance.

“Shh Em. We can talk about this later.” He soothed. I could
see it though. In his eyes, in his expression. He was going to tell me to
terminate the pregnancy. In his mind, even the slightest risk of losing me
wasn't worth risking. I rolled over and snuggled into my blankets as Simon led
the doctor out of the room. I could hear them talking in the kitchen. I pulled
my pillow over my head so I didn't have to listen. I felt angry. How fucked up
was the world to dangle this in front of me then tell me I couldn't have it. As
much as I tried to bury my feelings about wanting a baby, they were always
there. I gently rubbed over my stomach. There was no way I could go through
with a termination. I'd rather risk dying than have to live with that for the
rest of my life.

“Em?” I yawned and rolled over and looked into Simon's face.
“You fell asleep.” He explained, reaching for my hand. I smiled at him. I felt
so lucky having him with me. Slowly, the events of the morning came back to me.
I pulled my hand away slightly, searching for answers in his face.

“Em.” He began pleadingly. I shook my head, knowing where
this was going.

“I can't, Simon. I just can't do it. Even the smallest
percentage is reason enough for me to try.” I smiled through my tears.
“Especially after hearing that little heartbeat.” Simon shook his head. He was
crying even more heavily than I was.

“What if something happens to you? To you both?” He wept. “I
couldn't handle losing you. I don't care how selfish that sounds.”

“Please Simon. I need you to help me through this. I need
your support. I need you.” I couldn't do this alone, I knew that. The only
chance I had of getting through this was with Simon's support. He nodded.

“Of course I'll be here for you Em. I will always be here
for you.” He smiled through his tears. “Then I guess we're having a baby.”
Through my tears, I smiled at him. He wrapped himself around me, squeezing me
so tight. “I love you so much Em.”

“I love you too.”

 THE END

I rolled onto my side to snuggle up to Simon. The empty
space was warm, indicating he hadn't long gotten up. I shuffled over to make
the most of his remaining warmth.

Two weeks had passed since Derek Moosly had been killed. Two
weeks since I finally felt the hold he had over me begin to lift. I'd finally
been released from hospital, Simon insisting he was moving in with me. I was
still having trouble digesting the fact that I was pregnant. Both of us were.
Simon had arranged an appointment with one of New York's top OB's for this
morning. How he'd arranged a home call I do not know.

“Hey baby.” I smiled as Simon placed a cup of tea and two
slices of buttered toast on my bedside table. He leaned down to kiss me. Even
now I still received tingles every time he touched me.

“Hi.” I replied, sitting up. I re-arranged the pillows
behind me until they were just right. I took the toast. “I could get used to
this pampering.”

“I hope you do.” He winked. “Now the doc will be here in
half an hour, so drink up and give me a yell when you're ready for a shower.”

“I can shower myself.” I laughed.

“I know.” He winked again. “I just like to watch.” I
giggled. Could he sound anymore creepy? I watched him leave the room. I
couldn't quite get over how wonderfully things were going.

Simon and I.

Tom and Cass.

And now being pregnant. For the first time since the attack,
I was beginning to enjoy life again. Mom and dad had visited me a few times
now. It was a slow process, but we were getting to a point where we could be a
family again. Some kind of family anyway. Maria and I were also in contact. We
were taking things slow, but slow was better than nothing. If any of the last
few weeks had taught me anything, it was that life was too short to shut people
out. I finished my tea and toast, and tiptoed into the bathroom. I was halfway
through my shower when I felt hands wrap around my waist.

“You were supposed to call me.” Simon whispered sternly in
my ear. I spun around, facing him. We kissed. He pushed me against the tiles,
lifting me onto his hips. “We don't have time for this.” He groaned.

“I heard you're very quick.” I whispered in his ear. He
grinned at me.

“You'll pay for that little insult later.” He said, amused.
He smacked me on the bottom and pulled me from under the water. I grumbled, not
ready to finish my shower just yet. He was right though. The doctor would be
here soon.

As the sonogram ran over my lubricated stomach the sound of
a heartbeat filled my ears. Tears filled my eyes. My baby's heartbeat. I
glanced over at Simon and saw he too was crying. He reached for my hand and
squeezed it. Dr Lazonski cleared his throat. Both Simon and I looked at him. I
felt the familiar sense of anxiety run through my body. He looked concerned.
Why did he look concerned?

“Peter?” prompted Simon nervously. His grip on my hand
tightened.

“The baby is fine. Heartbeat is strong.” He began. I felt
Simon's grip ease slightly. “My concern is with you, Emma.”

“Me?” I repeated, startled.

“You have extensive scarring from your attack. Possibly the
worst I've seen.” He added. “In this case I'd usually advise strongly for
termination of the pregnancy.” His words hit me like a ton of bricks.
Termination? Of my little miracle? How could he even suggest that?

“No.” I shook my head with venom. I began to tremble. Simon
snuggled closer to me. He was shaking too.

“Emma, carrying this baby poses significant risks for both
you and the baby. The chances of you delivering a full term baby are about 10%.
More concerning for me at the moment is the strain this pregnancy would put on
your body.”

“But the fact that I managed to get pregnant is against the
odds.” I whispered helplessly. How could I be given this chance and have it
ripped away from me so soon?

“Yes, you even getting pregnant is a medical miracle in
itself.” Peter acknowledged. “The doctors wouldn't have seen the point in
discussing the risks with you if you did happen to get pregnant.” He paused for
a moment, taking a deep breath. “Emma, the chances of you surviving this
pregnancy are very slim.”

I turned to Simon. I needed his support now more than ever.
His eyes were filled with worry, for me, and for his baby growing inside me.

“I can't.” I whispered, shaking my head. I silently pleaded
with Simon to understand. I needed him to understand why I couldn't give up
this chance.

“Shh Em. We can talk about this later.” He soothed. I could
see it though. In his eyes, in his expression. He was going to tell me to
terminate the pregnancy. In his mind, even the slightest risk of losing me
wasn't worth risking. I rolled over and snuggled into my blankets as Simon led
the doctor out of the room. I could hear them talking in the kitchen. I pulled
my pillow over my head so I didn't have to listen. I felt angry. How fucked up
was the world to dangle this in front of me then tell me I couldn't have it. As
much as I tried to bury my feelings about wanting a baby, they were always
there. I gently rubbed over my stomach. There was no way I could go through
with a termination. I'd rather risk dying than have to live with that for the
rest of my life.

“Em?” I yawned and rolled over and looked into Simon's face.
“You fell asleep.” He explained, reaching for my hand. I smiled at him. I felt
so lucky having him with me. Slowly, the events of the morning came back to me.
I pulled my hand away slightly, searching for answers in his face.

“Em.” He began pleadingly. I shook my head, knowing where
this was going.

“I can't, Simon. I just can't do it. Even the smallest
percentage is reason enough for me to try.” I smiled through my tears.
“Especially after hearing that little heartbeat.” Simon shook his head. He was
crying even more heavily than I was.

“What if something happens to you? To you both?” He wept. “I
couldn't handle losing you. I don't care how selfish that sounds.”

“Please Simon. I need you to help me through this. I need
your support. I need you.” I couldn't do this alone, I knew that. The only
chance I had of getting through this was with Simon's support. He nodded.

“Of course I'll be here for you Em. I will always be here
for you.” He smiled through his tears. “Then I guess we're having a baby.”
Through my tears, I smiled at him. He wrapped himself around me, squeezing me
so tight. “I love you so much Em.”

“I love you too.”

 THE END