So Many Reasons Why (20 page)

“That’s a bad idea.”

“No, Em. It’s a great idea.” He hung up before I could
argue. Staring at the phone, I smiled. I’d be seeing him tonight.

“Em?”

Yawning, I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. I struggled
to sit up. Why was I on the couch? Then I remembered I had been waiting for
Simon to arrive. Brushing the wrinkles out of my strapless silk dress, I
stumbled to the door.

“Hey baby.” He smiled at me, reaching out his hand to touch
my hair. “You are so adorable, even with sleep hair.” Tuning toward the mirror,
I gasped and tried to fix my wayward hair. Simon reached out, intercepting my
hands. “Don’t. I like it.” He kept hold of my hands as we moved inside. He
trailed his fingers up my arm, until his hand rested on my neck. He pulled me
in, kissing me, his tongue circling mine. Both hands wandered up to my hair,
his grasp pulling me close, his lips still firmly on mine.

“Fuck I’ve missed you so much Emma.” He mumbled into my
neck. He pulled down my dress, exposing my breasts. He knelt down, pulling the
dress down with him until I stood before him in only my panties. He kissed my
stomach, massaging my breasts with one hand, the other hand tugging at my
panties. “These need to go.” He growled. I laughed as he ripped the flimsy
material off me.

“You owe me a new pair.” I giggled, as he hoisted me up onto
the kitchen bench. The coldness of the marble against my rear made me gasp.

“I’ll buy you a hundred pairs if it means I can rip another
99 pairs from you.” He forced me back onto the bench. He struggled to undo his
pants with his large erection. I laughed as he fumbled with the zip. He looked
up, amused.

“Something funny?” He asked dryly, which made me laugh even
harder. He shook his head as he wiggled out of his pants. “Maybe you need to be
taught a lesson.” He pulled my legs into him, hard, sending me sprawling
backward on the bench, still giggling. My giggles soon turned into moans as his
pushed his way inside me. I clutched onto the edge of the bench.

“I love you so much Emma. It’s been hell being away from
you.” He panted, his thrusts getting faster and deeper. Finally, he reached his
climax. I pulled myself up, hugging him while he was still inside me. We kissed
deeply, both so hungry for each other.

“I love you too, Simon.” My hands gripped his head as I
planted another kiss on his lips. “More than you’ll ever know.”

My midnight rendezvous with Simon had been great, but now I
just missed him even more. He’d stayed until four in the morning, and after sex
in the kitchen, the lounge, on the balcony, and in the bed, he had finally
left. With all my assignments finished for the semester, I had nothing to do
but mope. Not even Dr Phil could help me. I continually checked my phone for
emails and texts from Simon. Nothing yet. I threw myself on the couch in
disgust.

It was only 10am. I’d already dealt with a call from mum,
and Cass, both calling to check on me. In both conversations I’d left out the
details of Simon’s visit. I checked my email again.

Shit! I struggled to sit up. Another reply from Maria.

She had told me all about her life in New Zealand, and her
family. Her two daughters, her husband, their dog, Ziggy, and their two pet
cats. The last thing in her email was a phone number. I stared at the number,
trying to work up the courage to call. Hell, I didn’t even know what time it
was in New Zealand. Fuck it, I decided. Before I could change my mind, I
dialled the number. If I didn’t do this now, I’d come up with a hundred reasons
as to why I shouldn’t. Each ring made the nerves inside me triple. Just as I
was about to slam the phone shut, someone answered.

“Hello?” The tired voice sounded half asleep. Oh shit.

“Maria?” Suddenly this didn’t seem like such a good idea.

“Who is this?” Her voice was clearer now. I suppose a call
in the middle of the night would do that to you.

“It’s Emma. Your niece.” I waited impatiently for the
silence to pass. Say something. Anything! Finally, she spoke.

“Emma.” Her voice now held wonder. “I can’t believe it’s
you.”

“Is this a bad time? I feel like I woke you up.”

“No. Well, yes you woke me up, but this is great. I’m so
glad you rang.”

“Sorry. I should have checked time differences and stuff.
What time is it there?”

“It’s 4am.” I gasped. Fuck, had I really just called her at
4am? “Emma, it’s okay. It’s so good to hear from you.”

We spoke for over an hour. It felt awkward in the beginning,
but it didn’t take long for me to relax into the conversation. Hearing about
her life halfway across the world was fascinating.

“Why did you leave?” It had been something I’d been
wondering for a while. What possessed someone so young to pack up and move so
far from home?

“It’s complicated, Emma. I had major issues with mom. And
your father. It became too hard to stay. Then I met Phillip. He was over there
on a business trip. I felt nothing was stopping me from leaving.” Her voice
broke, as if opening up these old wounds was too much for her.

“Have you thought about fixing things? With dad I mean?”

“Some things can’t be fixed, Emma.” Maria responded sadly.
“Sometimes there is too much hurt, and betrayal.” She stopped, taking a breath.
“I’m sorry Emma. Laying all this on you is not fair.”

“I’m sorry you were hurt, Maria. I hope we can fix our
relationship.”

“I’d like that Emma. I’d like that a lot.” We said goodbye,
promising to talk to each other again soon.

“So I spoke to Maria this morning.” Mom froze. She gripped
the spoon in her hand tighter. Eventually she looked up at me.

“Maria?” Her voice was quiet. There was something odd in her
expression, something I couldn’t put my finger on.

“Yes. I tracked her down. It felt strange for me that I have
relatives I don’t even know.”

“How is she?” Mom asked, paying more attention to stirring
her coffee than necessary. “Is she still with Phillip?” I nodded.

“She’s married with two girls. 14 and 15.” I paused,
considering what to say next. “What happened mom? For her to leave home. Why
wouldn’t dad want to know his nieces? His sister?” Mom shook her head and
slammed her cup down hard. She turned to me, her eyes full of anger and
anxiety.

“Do not mention her to me or your father again. Do you hear
me?” I stared at mom, shocked by her aggressive outburst. Never had I seen her
react like this. Not even following my attack.

“You can’t stop me from getting to know my aunt.” I replied.
“Or my cousins.” Mom shook her head and laughed bitterly.

“You do what you like Emma. You always do.” Her words
shocked me. Did she resent me? It sure sounded like it. What had I done to make
her so angry with me? Since I was young, I’d always felt nothing was ever good
enough. Following the attack, things got worse, quickly. Maybe that was just
her way of coping with things, but it seemed more than that.

“What are you saying? You’re not making sense, mom.” Running
my hands through my knotted hair, I pulled it through a hair tie as I tried to
figure out what the hell was going on. Was she having some kind of breakdown?

“Everything is about you.” Mom tried to keep her voice even.
“What about us? When was the last time you asked how I was going and meant it?
You are such a selfish child. Everything is about you and the attack, and how
hard things are for you.” There was venom in mom’s words. I stared at her in
disbelief. This seriously could not be happening. Wasn’t the point of having a
child to look after them and make everything about them?

“Where is this coming from, mom?” I ignored the tears, and
the feeling of abandonment. “What the hell kind of mother says that to their
daughter?” The anger was now coming through with force. “You call yourself a
mother? A mother is supposed to support their child through everything. You
haven’t supported me though anything! Everything is about you. No wonder I’m so
messed up.” Mom sighed. She rested her head in her hands, defeated.

“You’re right. I failed you as a mother.” I crossed my arms
over my chest, not ready to console her just yet. The anger I felt was still so
raw. “Emma. Things happened. Things I regret. You deserve to know the truth.”
She motioned to the couch. The pit in my stomach deepened. What the hell could
she be about to tell me? I sat down.

“When you were born, Maria was sixteen,” Mom began. “She
wasn’t ready to be a mother. She was young, no job, and no way of caring for a
child. She also had a drug problem. Your grandmother put her in a facility to
keep her off the drugs during her pregnancy. Right after your birth, she was
straight back on them.” I listened in shock. Maria was my mother. Moments of my
childhood began clicking into place.

“Your father and I had been trying to have a child for three
years. We saw how much Maria was struggling, and all we could think of was how
much better a life we could offer you.” Mom ignored my muffled laugh. “So your
father offered Maria money. To give you up to us to raise as our own.” My eyes
widened. She sold me? My own mother
sold
me, no doubt to buy drugs.

“Holy shit.” Mom continued, ignoring my language.

“So Maria took the money and disappeared. When you were six,
she turned up, wanting you back. She had turned her life around.” Mom shook her
head violently. “She thought she could just turn up and take you back. My
daughter.”

“So she just left?”

“To New Zealand. Your father told her if she contacted us or
you again, he’d have her arrested. He had evidence of fraud she’d committed
when she was younger. Evidence that would have landed her in jail.” Leaning
forward on my chair, I rubbed my neck. This was all too much to digest.
Standing up, I told mom to let herself out and made my way down the hall. How
could this be real? There wasn’t enough drama in my life? The comfort of my bed
made me feel slightly better. I wanted to call her. I needed to know why. How
could she have sold me? That’s basically what it was. Money was worth more to
her than I was. I opened my email and began to write.

Pressing send, I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. I
had managed to cram all my feelings into a one page email. There were so many
questions I needed answers to, but for now, it was enough.

“Hey.” Simon picked up on the first ring.

“Hey, I was just about to call. How are you?” His voice was
so warm, I could feel how much he loved me in just his words.

“Maria is my mother.” I’d meant to ease that into the
conversation. Instead, I’d just blurted it out. I filled him in on the whole
story.

“Wow.” He breathed. “Your life has more drama than a
Jerry Springer
episode. How are you?
That’s a lot for you to take in.” He added.

“It actually explains a lot to me. I called her this
morning. Before I knew.”

“How did that go?”

“Well. Apart from the fact that it was 4am when I called.” I
chuckled. “I don’t know, Simon. I’m so angry. At everyone.” Stretching out on
the bed, I flipped over onto my stomach.

“That’s fair enough. It’s a lot to process.” He said. “Try
not to be too hard on Maria, Em. Or your parents. As messed up as all this is,
they were all just trying to do what was best for you.”

“Like selling me?” I laughed harshly.

“Come on Em. You know that’s not what it was about. Imagine being
sixteen with a drug addiction. Alone. Would you think that was the best
situation for a baby?” I hated it when he made sense. “Giving you up was
probably the hardest decision of her life. That would be something you’d never
get over. And she did try to get you back. That has to say something.”

I remembered that night, listening at the top of the stairs
to the yelling and screaming. I hadn’t for a moment thought all that was about
me.

“I have to go, Em. I love you. Call me if you need me.”

My mother had gone when I emerged from my room, hours later.
I eyed a note on the bench, addressed to me. It was from her.

Emma,

I am sorry you found out this way. I need you to know
that with all the mistakes I’ve made, I do love you. I love you more than
anything on this earth. I love you like a daughter. My anger and resentment is
not directed at you. I feel I failed you as a mother. I took you from your own
mother because I thought I could offer you more. Instead, I failed you.

I hope one day you can forgive me.

Mom

Curling up on the couch, I reread the letter. Mom was my
aunt. My aunt was my mom. My father was my uncle. My cousins were my
half-sisters. Wow this was messed up. Simon was right. My life was like a talk
show.

 
Something on the news
caught my eye. Holy shit did I hear that right? I grabbed the remote and
stabbed the volume button a few times.

“. ..Was last seen leaving school yesterday. Mandy's
disappearance is described as out of character for the young girl by her
friends and family. Police hold grave fears for her safety after recently
released child rapist Derek Moosly was seen on CCTV footage following the girl.
Moosly served ten years for the rape and torture of a thirteen year old girl in
2001.” The newsreader moved onto the next story.

I sat, shocked, anxious, and scared. And angry. Why the fuck
hadn't anyone told me? I grabbed my mobile. He answered on the first ring.

“He's done it again? The bastard has done it again?”

“What?” Asked Simon, confused. “Who has done what? Em, calm
down and talk to me.” He commanded. I took a breath. He didn't know.

“Derek.” I whimpered. “They think he took a girl.”

“When?” Simon's tone was hard. He was annoyed as I was about
being left out of the loop.

“I don't know.” I wailed. “Now.  Today. They saw him
follow her, and now she is missing. She is twelve Simon. Twelve.” The tears
broke my voice into an inaudible babble of garble. “You said he wasn't here.” I
fretted.