#SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend's Guide to Werking in Show Business (13 page)

Funemployment is a balance between money, pleasure,
inconvenience and happiness. If you weigh pleasure and happiness unevenly
against money, you may end up an everlasting couch-hopper – and that could
be pretty inconvenient. If you compromise happiness and pleasure in favor of
money, you might spread yourself too thin, and end up burning out right before
your next big break – and that would be pretty inconvenient, too. Consider
your alternatives, and find out what work will make you #werk. If accepting a
certain survival job is going to compromise your happiness, eat Top Ramen for a
week and look for other options. Find what’s best for you. Sometimes it’s
better to perform a twelve-minute make-out session with a statue in Central
Park for an agalmatophilia fetish video, than to miss Thanksgiving with your
family to work a catering job because it’s socially acceptable.

Don’t get discouraged if you wait longer than is
desired before landing a “conventional” theatre job. All survival jobs draw
from your acting background. It’s just a matter of how you look at it. You
might not be aptly qualified to sell designer wear, dinner specials, fine wine,
baby clothes, etc., but if you use your natural born acting ability and
pretend
like you know what the hell you’re doing, you’ll get the job done. Even if
things reach the point where you consider hopping on a stripper pole once or
twice, at least you’ll be #grateful for all those ballet classes! And sometimes
working a job that your nine-year-old-self didn’t necessarily dream about every
night can find a way to surprise you. Honestly, I’d trade some of the mediocre
productions I’ve done with casts that never clicked, for the gratification I’ve
felt after expertly tour guiding a couple celebrating their anniversary through
a three-course meal, backed by a wait staff that would gladly throw themselves
in front of a bus to make sure my guest’s cappuccino made it to the table
before the foam fizzled. Some of the greatest people you’ll ever meet are actors
in between jobs.

All this hard work over the years is paying off! B4
age 25, I have toured the world, won major awards and on my way to
Broadway
!!
#Blessed

*

By now, you’ve been #blessed with a wonderful career
in show business. However, you cannot be #SOBLESSED until you learn the art of
Social Netwerking.
Networking
is the single most important element of #werking
in this industry. Henceforth, I will refer to it as
netwerking
, because
a sensitive subject such as this must be treated as preciously as a summer
callback. Your ability to present the ultimate fabricated version of yourself
will be key when it comes to mastering this subject.

Sometimes you can’t make it to every single gypsy
run, BC/EFA event, or concert with a cover charge and two-drink minimum. A lot
of netwerking goes on at those events. If you can’t be at one, find a way to
include yourself via social media, while standing in the back of the event
you’re actually present at. It’s important to over-saturate yourself. That is
why I suggest you create profiles on the three most popular social media websites:
Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. This is known as the Trifecta of Social Media
Excellence (not to be confused with the Trifecta of Broadway BFA Bountifulness,
which means your current show hosts cast members from CCM, CMU and Michigan).
For the Trifecta to be tri-ffective, you must make certain that every single
thing you post online is funneled through all three social media sites. If not,
then you’re basically just wasting everybody’s time. Your picture means shit to
me unless I see it on Instagram via a tweet that I’ve clicked off your Facebook
page.

Once you’ve created your new social media empire, you
might be wondering, “How do I effectively showcase my #werk so I can book more
work?” I’m glad you asked, because I have compiled hours of tiresome research
and practical application to develop the Quintessential Annoying Actor Friend’s
Guide to Behaving on Social Media. Let’s begin!

1.

CHOOSE THE RIGHT WORDS

bless·ed  
adj.

1. a. Worthy of worship; holy.

b. Held in veneration; revered.

Constructing a proper tweet or status update is akin
to crafting an intricate lyric. It’s all about the words. Stephen Sondheim once
said, “I’ve always thought of lyric-writing as a craft rather than an art, largely
a matter of sweat and time.” I relate to this because when I tweet, “#blessed,”
it’s not just an off-the-cuff hashtag, but rather the product of tedious rewrites
meant to evoke empathy for my self-appointed holiness. Actors are like the
Sondheims of social media!

When choosing a hashtag to properly articulate how #lucky
one feels about their good #fortune, actors steer clear of options like
#advantageous, #propitious, or #opportune. Instead, we lean in favor of the
most revered adjective in the English language: #blessed. It’s the only word to
appropriately describe how I feel whenever something fantastic and worthy of
envy happens to me. However, trends come and go so quickly around here. What
was once “fierce” is now “everything,” and while it’s great to honor the
classics, perhaps it’s time to move on. Millennials are forward thinkers,
right? The simple act of plugging #blessed into Thesaurus.com blew my mind with
a plethora of synonyms that could really push the envelope in social media #gratefulness.
Think of how of how groundbreaking it will be when we start trending hashtags
like: #adored, #sanctified, #divine, or #amongtheangels.

The Future

I love my cast! I feel #consecrated.

Someone donated to my Kickstarter! I’m being held in such
veneration!

What a great audition week! #SoySacrosanct

2.

USE STOCK PHRASES

Actors are very busy people. Sometimes we are not
afforded the hours in the day that staff writers on television shows are given
just to be creative. So, when you take to social media to share your
awesomeness, you should rely on stock phrases to save time. Here are a few of
my favorites:

Remember That Time?

This is a great one to use whenever you want to share
some kickass news, but are trying to be coy about it. It sets the status up
nicely, too! You don’t want to be too abrasive by taking to Facebook with:

I just did a screen test for HBO!

Do you see how desperate that sounds?
It’s
much classier to say:

Remember that time I did a screen test for HBO?

Isn’t that a much better choice? Even though your
friends will actually have no recollection of you doing a screen test for HBO
because it
just happened
, they will, for reasons unbeknownst to anyone,
click the LIKE button.

I’m a big fan of
Remember That Time?
because
it’s casual and shows people that whatever just happened to you is…

No Big Deal (NBD)

This phrase is key when you want to share some
wonderful news, but are short on time and need to remain as blasé as possible.
You don’t even have to start out with a
Remember That Time?
(but you
can). Simply toss in an “NBD” at the end of your tweet. It’s even better if you
hashtag it! For example, don’t say –

THE Liza Minnelli said the show was terrific!

That sounds juvenile… like you still do lottery for
Wicked.
Try this instead –

Liza came backstage to tell me she enjoyed my
performance. #NBD

That sounds more mature…. your friends will respect
you for it!

NBD is a great standby, but I think it’s best saved for
personal encounters with celebrities. Using an #NBD after receiving a callback or
booking a job doesn’t #werk. That situation calls for a…

When it Rains, it Pours!

We all know that success finds safety in numbers.
When you book a job, you’re probably going to book four more, and they’re all
going to conflict with each other. Since you won’t be privileged to place all
these jobs on a future résumé, the only way to share the credits that will
never be is to blast
When it Rains, it Pours!
on social media. If
anything, you get the opportunity to let your unemployed friends know that booking
jobs is just as frustrating as
not
booking jobs.

That Moment When …

This actor-fave-phrase is similar to
Remember That
Time?
but is just a bit more sentimental. You want to reserve a
That
Moment When
for when something really special happens to you. Like
dreams-come-true special. A
That Moment When
is incomplete without a
#blessed, #grateful, or something involving #dreams. They go together like
bacon and eggs, Bloody Marys and a Monday, or me and a final callback for the
creative team. Here is how to use it in a sentence:

That moment when William Morris agrees to meet with
you. #daretodream

That moment when you find out you’re taking over as
Elphaba standby. #thankyoutelsey

That moment when you remember you’re on Broadway.
#blessed

-- Said No One, Ever

The origins of this statement appear to date back to
that one week in the beginning of 2012 when everyone put on their “I’m-Exceedingly-Funny”
hats to lampoon their job, hometown, or favorite hobby, by posting a
Shit
BLANK Says
video on YouTube. These videos consisted of a slew of inside
jokes quoting what people within the given subject say on a daily basis. There
was everything from
Shit Girls Say
to
Shit Theatre Girls Say
to
Shit
Theatre Girls Who Are Singers Who Move Well Say
.

While the
Shit BLANK Says
videos eventually
went the way of the Harlem Shake and flashmobs (I miss those! – Said No
One, Ever), one of the more popular entries,
Shit Nobody Says
, has since
evolved into a witty tag at the end of a statement that nobody believes to be
true. And let me tell you, THAT SHIT KILLS!

If you’re ever starved for a good social media gag, I
suggest coming up with a ludicrous declaration and then attach,
Said No One,
Ever
at the end. It will never fail to be the source of great hilarity!
Example:

Eight shows a week is easy! – Said No One, Ever

Walking residual checks to the bank is annoying.
– Said No One, Ever

I hate callbacks!!! – Said No One, Ever

This approach is failsafe because not only are you
making a funny joke, you’re also discussing relatable topics and keeping your
friends informed about how you’re doing – and they’ll be #grateful to
hear!

Sondheim Lyrics

Sometimes your own words aren’t able to articulate
what you want to say. If that is ever the case, just quote a Sondheim lyric at
random. Preferably one from
Into the Woods
– in fact, you should
probably only use lyrics from
Into the Woods
,
because if you pull
something out from
Pacific Overtures
your friends will find you
pretentious.

My favorites include, “The slotted spoon can catch
the potato,” because it’s a subtle and ambiguous way to tell everyone that you
booked a job without having to actually say it. “Excited AND scared,” is great
for #firstdayofschool – but don’t forget to caps lock the AND. It doesn’t
work if you don’t. Finally, “Is it always OR? Is it never AND?” is an awesome
alternative to
When it Rains, it Pours

3.

STRIVE FOR AMBIGUITY

The only thing more effective than posting a casting
announcement of the latest job you booked, is prematurely posting a status that
evokes the age old question, “What the hell did they book?” One of the most
annoying things about working a lot is that you have to wait a very long time until
casting is official before you can share your good fortune with your friends. Often,
you’ll be like two weeks into rehearsal before they bother to announce the cast
on Playbill.com. So, what happens when you get the call from your agent and you
just can’t wait? I certainly don’t give a shit if I’ve signed a contract or if the
theatre is even booked. I NEED TO SHARE! Luckily, there are ways around this
tricky subject that can get your news out into the ether without sacrificing
your reputation with the production.

Book a job? Try this!

Such good news! Wish I could share. #staytuned

Book two? Stay humble.

Wow. Speechless. Hard work really does pay off.
#blessed

Important callback? Put it out in The Universe!

Positive vibes at 5:10p.m. please!!!

There are numerous other ways to remain ambiguous
while still getting your point across. Be creative! Have fun! If your friends
LIKE your status and respond with questions like, “WHAT HAPPENED?” or “Deetz,
please!” then you’ve done exactly what you set out to do.

4.