#SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend's Guide to Werking in Show Business (17 page)

Remember when the unemployed
people in Billy Elliot's town gave him money to audition for ballet school? That's
the original Kickstarter.

Auditions &
Callbacks…

Will twerk for callbacks.

I bombed my callback today.
Which one of you didn't send me the positive vibes I requested at 4pm?

Off to an audition! I can't
find my dance shoes. Guess I'll have to wear these brightly colored LaDucas
from the last show I did.

Day off! Can't wait to lay
out in Central Park, look over some sides and Instagram pics of my feet. #ilovesummer

Forget the flu shot. Where
can I get a vaccine to protect against the desperation that is airborne at
Ripley-Grier Studios right now?

This
guy in Starbucks keeps glaring at me because I'm SILENTLY practicing my
callback sides. #rude

Audition:
Check. Callback: Check. Booked it? Fingers crossed! Dance Class: Check. Drinks
at Lillie's? Yes, please!

Did
anybody go to that chorus call this week and want to teach me the combo? I have
an appointment tomorrow.

Actors’ Equity
Association…

Thank goodness the AEA
newsletter came today because I'm almost out of toilet paper.

Happy 100th to @ActorsEquity!
I got my card five minutes ago when I booked a Broadway show right out of
college! #werk

For Actors' Equity's 100th
birthday, I'd like to ask for a touring agreement that isn't dripping with
sarcasm.

362
days out of the year I complain about @ActorsEquity and their shortcomings as a
union. But not THIS weekend! GO EQUITY! #unionmember

It's hard to think of
anything that has made it into my trash can faster than the issue of
"Equity News" I received in the mail today.

Is there an Equity discount?

I was born Equity.

Non-Equity…

Is
being Non-Equity a choice or are you born that way?

when i go too long without a
callback, i'm forced to recharge by drinking the blood of a non-equity.

Someone
told me I should follow "Non-Equity Problems," but I'm like... I
never had those problems.

Stopping by Chelsea Studios
today to donate all my old Abercrombie clothes to Non Equity kids!

Instagram has video now which
means Vine just went non-eq. #RIPVine

Twitter Thoughts…

There are more "theatre
problems" twitter accounts than actual problems in theatre.

Every time I tweet I lose
followers and I'm like, "What the fuck did you think you were getting
yourself into?"

I lost 5 followers after my
last tweet. That's some meta shit right there.

I'm dedicating my 100th
tweet to everything I'm #Grateful for: #TheSecret #Callbacks #CompTix #ReTweets
#AmercanApparelTankTops

I have more followers than
the twitter account for the show that just won a Tony for Best Musical and I'm
still unemployed.

Almost made a twitter
account for the cat that got fired from Breakfast @ Tiffany's. Then I was like,
"What the fuck am I doing w/ my life?"

Every time I lose a
follower, I get this feeling... Like when you aren't asked to stay and sing.

Sometimes I tweet just to
hear myself type.

If I've prevented just one
person from hash-tagging, "blessed," "grateful," or
"workingactor," then my time here has been worthwhile.

The 2013 Tony Awards…

Oh, I can't. I have Tonys...

Today I spent a lot of time
on social media name dropping my friends under the guise of being excited for
them! #TonyAwards

The @NY1onstage Red Carpet
is apparently being filmed with an iPhone 3.

I love cocaine and a
montage... So naturally, I'm obsessed with the 2013 Tonys opening number.

Lesson of the Day: It
doesn't matter how many Tonys you have, your autocorrect don't give a shit. “@AudraEqualityMc:
1)Happy Tony's Day!"

[Audra responds to me
with a tweet that is both funny and classy.]

Audra 6:13 When She tweets
unto you on Tonys Day, thou shalt be gifted with eternal final callbacks. #BwayBibleVerses

Living Life…

Sorry I haven't gotten back
to you. My life is just crazy right now.

Today is National Dance Day.
When is National Career Transition Day?

When I tell people I'm an
actor and they ask me, "At which restaurant?" I'm always like,
"ZING!!! I love retro humor!"

The key changed and she
didn't.

One of my friends was doing
background work and tried to call it background WERK and I was like, "Stop
lying to yourself."

My phone's at capacity from
all the screen captures I've taken of my friends' status updates that I've
secretly texted to my better friends.

Broadway Bares raised
$1,430,241 but it should be $1,430,242 if you count the glittered dollar I
found in my ass crack the next morning.

Do you know what was really
cool, but went out of style? On stage marriage proposals.

Life isn't a dress
rehearsal! But sometimes it feels like a 10 out of 12. #roughweek

ATTENTION:
I just booked a TV show. So... I'll be deleting my Facebook account without really
alerting any of my friends. #star

I got listed on another one
of those random "Top Broadway People Under A Certain Age Who Are Hot and
Powerful" rankings!! #SoHot #SoBlessed

Throwing a Vision Board
party at my apartment tonight! Bring your scissors, glue sticks, and dreams! #broadway
#hotbody #evenmoreblessed

Hey guys! I know we haven't
spoken in eight years, or maybe only met once, but did you get that Facebook
invite to my album release party???

I
tweet my accomplishments for the world to see because it's more fulfilling than
just calling my mom.

Helpful Lessons…

I feel morally obligated to
inform everybody that the line is, "This is the day of the show,
y'all." NOT "It's the day of the show, y'all."

Life is what happens when
you're busy in a 10 out of 12. #yolo

Live everyday as if it were
a final callback with the creative team. #yolo

Shoot for the lead. Even if
you miss, you'll land among the swings.

Shoot for the job. Even if
you miss, you'll land among the callbacks.

Shoot
for the moon. Even if you miss, LOL, I'm too #blessed to miss.

If you're not singing that
song exactly as it was done on the original cast recording you're doing it
wrong.

Life
is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of blue
check marks that follow us.

Next
time I'm at an audition I'm going to ask myself, "Would my parody account
go to this?" If the answer is NO, I'm walking the fuck out.

It's
after 2pm... Have you connected to #gratitude yet?

Never
underestimate the douchiness of an offensively placed hashtag. #blessed
#grateful #nobigdeal

Happy
Sunday, everyone! Dream like nobody's watching.

Raise
your hand if your New Year's resolution is to make your Broadway debut. NEWS
FLASH: You have no fucking control over that.

Various Political Events…

Mr.
President, what steps will you take to ban the SETA contract?

Mr.
Romney, could you please tell me which of my top five head shots I should use?

Florida
could go either way. Sounds like every guy in musical theatre.

Voting
Republican in New York is about as effective as attending a six-month required
call.

I
know how Romney is feeling right now. It's the same feeling I get
when I
remember how many followers I have on my ACTUAL twitter account.

There
are about as many superfluous standing ovations in the House Chamber tonight as
there are in midtown eight times a week. #SOTU

The
Republican side of the House looks about as reluctant to stand as I do at the
end of every Broadway show. #SOTU

Werking…

I'm so excited my Broadway
show is giving me a leave to do summer stock and take away an opportunity from
someone who is unemployed!

I'm exhausted! It's been a
busy day of life manifesting.

Was that an earthquake or
all the positive vibes I asked for?

Shit! I just ran out of
space in my gratitude journal. Back to Office Depot. #grateful

I
don't wash off my mic tape residue. I wear that shit like a badge of honor.

What gets me through two
show days? Nothing. Six hour work days are HARD!!!

I need someone to sublet my
place for the same dates as that show you had a final callback for but didn't
know the offers had gone out yet.

Body Image…

is Ricola a carb?

I wish I looked as fabulous
and skinny with my clothes off as my iPhone does when I remove its case.

How
many calories are in toothpaste?

"Happy
National Doughnut Day" and "The Purge" are trending. Is that
because it's Broadway Bares season?

That's
a fat mirror, right?

For
breakfast this morning, I had half an eggshell and a Cheerio. #baresdiet #BwayBares2013

Have
you tried Kale?

Hmmm...
This peppermint bark cheesecake doesn't taste as good coming back up as it did
going down. #BroadwayBodyChristmasProblems

At
the gym! This show is so athletic. Like...I have to STRUGGLE to put on weight! #beachbodyblues

I'm
sorry, waiter? I said egg WHITES. #actorbrunchproblems

I've
decided to give up carbs after 8 p.m.

My
costumes had to be taken in! Score one for #skinny.

I
feel fat today.

The Metropolitan Transit Authority…

I'm
going to start blasting "Wicked" on the A train without headphones so
those teenagers know how it feels.

The
MTA calls out more than the cast of BRING IT ON.