#SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend's Guide to Werking in Show Business (18 page)

The
MTA calls out more than that guy who played Judas in the "Superstar" revival.

The
MTA calls out more than the casts of "West Side Story" and
"Legally Blonde" combined.

The
MTA calls out more than anyone who's received a BFA in the last five years.

The
Rebecca
Scandal…

REBECCA's annual attempt to
raise enough funds is becoming a Broadway tradition as treasured & expected
as Easter Bonnet & a Wildhorn bomb.

I just saw Ben Sprecher
leave the corner bodega with 47 Powerball tickets.

If this REBECCA fiasco
played out on SMASH, we'd all be like, "This show is so unrealistic."

The greatest tragedy of this
entire REBECCA saga is that I've already used all 10 of my free NY Times
articles for the month of October.

I totally found a copy of
that anonymous REBECCA email! So many lies. So much innuendo. #Malicious …

He's so pathetic. Let me
tell you something about Ben Sprecher. We were best friends in the nineties. I
know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in 2008, I
started producing my first musical, which was totally awesome and then it moved
to Broadway, and Ben was like, weirdly jealous of it. Like, if I would blow him
off to go see it, he'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And
I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my next
reading, which was also a backer's audition, I was like, "Ben, I can't
invite you, because I think you're crazy." I mean I couldn't have a crazy
producer at my reading. There were gonna be investors with 
checkbooks
.
I mean, right? He was CRAZY. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling
at her, it was so retarded. And then he went out to London because no one would
talk to him, and he came back in the fall with
Rebecca
, all
of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he's making
up dead investors.

The Weather…

Whoever sings "Too Darn
Hot" to me today in an effort to be funny is getting a two show dance belt
in the face.

This week's weather forecast
is not unlike my career. #whenitrainsitpours

Snowfall in March is about
as welcome to me as a callback on a Saturday.

Good morning, New York! It's
raining water and #possibilities.

I am #SnowBlessed.

Random Theatre Thoughts…

NYMF-OMANIAC (n): Someone
who gets tricked into going to multiple friends' NYMF shows but pretends
they're really excited about it.

The NYMF is what happens
when musical theatre writers get a hold of recreational drugs and a stack of
Mad Libs.

Happy 2 year anniversary of
the official opening of Spider-Man! I can't believe it's already been 4 years
since I went to their gypsy run!

"Jekyll &
Hyde" opens tonight for a limited run on Broadway. But... isn't EVERY
Wildhorn musical a guaranteed limited run?

I love how everyone makes
fun of JEKYLL & HYDE like they didn't sing "This is the Moment"
at their high school graduation.

I'm really offended that
people think I would have something sarcastic to say about "Jekyll &
Hyde" closing a month and a half early.

I'm sad "Hands on a
Hardbody" is closing. I just found out it's NOT about the rotation at the
end of Broadway Bares.

PIPPIN may be opening
tonight, but I wake up every day with morning glow.

"Prince of
Broadway" has been postponed indefinitely. In other mind-blowingly
unexpected news: Sunday is Easter.

Kathie
Lee blames Sandy for the failure of SCANDALOUS. I'm going to start doing that,
too... There was a hurricane. #ReasonsIDidntBookIt

I'm so happy "The Lion
King" won 1st place at Gypsy of the Year. Performing a modern dance
routine was really brave, new territory for them!

"Trapped in the
Closet" may be coming to Broadway, but a few of my friends have been
performing in it for years.

Props to the audience member
that puked during that show. I usually have to wait until I get home to get bad
theatre out of my system.

What's MY Playbill Celebrity
Choice restaurant? Yum Yum Bangkok 9.

DEVASTATED Colony Music is
closing. I never shopped there. I buy cast albums on iTunes & get sheet
music from Michael Lavine. Still..So sad.

Congrats
to @MemphisBroadway on an amazing run AND recouping! People said I wouldn't be
successful either! #soinspiring #dreamscometrue

Annie’s new Sandy was
48-hours from euthanasia before being rescued? If I ever go that long without a
job, just put me down. #ShowToShow

So sad Ghost is closing
today. I didn't see it, but that never stopped me from telling my friends what
I thought about it.

The University of Michigan
(theatre and sports)…

I didn't go to Michigan. #ReasonsIDidntBookIt

Michigan
basketball fans wait almost 25 years for success whereas Michigan theatre alums
wait about 25 minutes.

It's no shock that Michigan
beat Syracuse. When has someone from Syracuse ever booked something over
someone from Michigan?

The
Wolverines made the Elite Eight? Jesus, those Michigan kids get EVERYTHING.

Other Fun #Hashstags…

When you're good to Mama... Mama
gives everybody a car! #OprahOnBroadway

It Only Takes an Aha!
Moment. #OprahOnBroadway

Is anyone surprised that the
woman who invented the gratitude journal wants to be on Broadway? #OprahOnBroadway

Just your typical Friday!
Reading over some callback sides at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. #SoySugarFreeVanillaIcedBlendedBlessed

Nothing like a callback to
brighten up this already GORGE autumn day! I love fall. #PumpkinSpiceSoyLatteBlessed

Not A Day-gobah #StarWarsDayMusicalTheatreKentuckyDerbyHorseNames

Han's Solo #StarWarsDayMusicalTheatreKentuckyDerbyHorseNames

Yoda
Lay Hee Hoo #StarWarsDayMusicalTheatreKentuckyDerbyHorseNames

Russell Crowe in
Les
Miserables
…

"Les Miserables"
will be revived. Which is great because Russell Crowe killed it.

What was more awkward?
Catherine Zeta-Jones introducing Les Mis or Russell Crowe IN Les Mis?

Les Mis was 4th @ box office
behind Texas 3D. People would rather watch an actual massacre than the vocal
one happening by Russell Crowe.

Boxing Day (n): the day in which
Russell Crowe punches every actor in the face for tweeting about how much he
sucked in "Les Mis."

Beyonce lip-synched. BIG
DEAL. We all know what happened the last time a diva tried to sing live. I'm
looking at you, Russell Crowe.

The universal agreement
regarding Russell Crowe's performance in "Les Mis" is the closest
this planet will ever come to world peace.

Anne Hathaway in General…

It's
9pm on a Sunday in awards season. Do you know where Anne Hathaway and her
unapologetically scripted acceptance speech is? #SuperBowl

If Anne Hathaway says the
words #So and #Blessed in her acceptance speech, I may just give up and delete
this twitter account.

Fuck.
She said it. She said #SoBlessed.  I'm done. Sorry, guys. We had a good
run.

In the great Emma Stone or
Anne Hathaway as Sally Bowles debate of 2013, I'll give you three guesses which
one is the Karen.

Isn't it just like Anne
Hathaway to take this beautiful, pure spring day and theatrically cunt punt us?

I just started a juice cleanse
for all the toxic thoughts I've had today about Anne Hathaway as Sally Bowles.

The other girl from
Brokeback Mountain is playing Sally Bowles and now I'm suddenly concerned about
Anne Hathaway's health and whereabouts.

Classic
AnnoyingActorFriend…

I
got another callback! Please pray for me. Positive thoughts at 5:10pm!!

Wow. Just got off the phone
with my agent. Floored. Sitting on the stairs in Times Square. #Reflecting.
Weighing my options. #BigDecisions

What
a refreshing day off! I spent it really working on my craft.

Can't
WAIT for tomorrow. First day of school!!!!!!!

Can
I come over and print off my sides at your place because I'm too lazy and out
of touch with reality to own a printer?

YOU
got an appointment for that? God! I HATE my agent!

I'm
so mad I didn't book it. Like, how long am I supposed to stay in
"Wicked"? I'M. SO. BOOOOOOOORED!!!

Today seems like a great day
to share my gift.

I'm doing a concert of new
songs on some random Tuesday around 11pm on Avenue C and 2nd. $40 cover. 3
drink min. COME!!!

Hey guys!! I
posted
about thirty to forty new headshots on my Facebook page. Can you all please
vote on which one I should use????

I'll
totally do anything to see your show. When are they papering?

I
use 2 out of the 30 words in my Playbill bio to "Thank God." I know
that my being on Broadway has always been a major concern of His.

The secret really DOES work!

--
The person who has both figuratively and literally saved my life on multiple
occasions.

--
The person who co-conspired on @Actor_Friend’s inception. Without you as a
confidant and provider of screen captures in the first few months, none of this
would have happened.

--
My editor.

--
My other editor and mole. #followthesun

--
The person who built and launched annoyingactorfriend.com. I’d still be
drowning on Tumblr without you.

--
The person who brought me back to college. Those who learn for you are luckier
in life because of it.

--
My happy hour friend.

--
Every single person who ever worked on even a minutiae of
Smash
.

--
The person who’s kept my anonymity since I had 30 followers. You’re the boss
and have always listened to my shit.

--
The non-theatre folk who’ve listened to me talk about @Actor_Friend ad nauseam,
because I can’t share it with anyone else I know.

--
The friends in the business who have valiantly kept me anonymous.

--
All of my Twitter followers – especially those who have stayed with me
through good jokes and bad jokes, the Shorty Awards, season two of
Smash
,
and the countless changes in voice and tone of @Actor_Friend.

--
The actual Annoying Actor Friends who unfriended me for questioning their
social media behavior.

--
Those who do not follow me, but bought this book.

--
Anyone who bought this book.