Sometimes Never (29 page)

             
We laugh harder and Chase shakes his head, fighting his own laughter. “You guys are dicks. I could’ve died.”

             
I can barely breathe now. I lean into Mason and wipe at my eyes once again. It’s been awhile since I laughed this hard.

             
“That’s all right, man,” Mason says. “Same thing happened to me once.”

             
Chase sits forward. “Really?”

             
Mason shakes his head, grinning. “Hell no. I tie my freaking shoes.”

Guy bangs his fist
on the table and points at Mason, unable to talk. He tries to throw his hand over his mouth, but it’s too late. Orange drink spews across the table and we all wail with obnoxious laughter. I jump up to grab napkins. I make it only a few feet before I catch Park watching me. His expression is amused, but he also seems kind of sad. I offer him a smile. I don’t know if he returns it because I drop my gaze and grab the much needed napkins.

~***~

              Mason is perched on Guy’s amp and I sit on the floor between his legs, my head resting on his thigh. It’s weird how this is normal already. The way we connect ourselves has become second nature. There’s no awkwardness in the way we reach for each other. If we’re close enough to touch then we do. His fingers brush through my hair in a hypnotic way that has my eyes fluttering. It’s one of those really great moments where the silence isn’t awkward. Instead, it’s soothing and completely comfortable.

It doesn’t last. Guy clomps down the stairs, followed by Chase.
“Get your lazy ass up,” Guy shouts. “We’ve got preparations to…
prepare
.”

             
I smile, but stay right where I am. I’m not ready to move away from Mason yet. “Park’s not here.”

             
“Yes, he is,” Park says as his legs appear on the steps. He runs down the remaining stairs, his footfalls light. His eyes find me immediately, take in my position, and flick away quickly. Rubbing his hands together and staring at the wall, he adds, “Let’s get this over with.”

             
I use Mason’s knees to push myself up and he places his hands over mine. He kisses my forehead and I press into his lips. “No fighting,” I whisper. He nods, his expression innocent, and I wonder how sincere he is. I squint at him and he chuckles, releasing my hands.

             
“I’ll be good. Promise.” I can’t help it, I shiver at those words. His little reminder that I asked him not to be good. Even though it’s totally different, he gets the desired effect. All I can think about now is his lips, his hands, his body, and the way they press against me.

             
“Can we maybe do this sometime today?” Park sighs. “I’ve got shit to do.” I blink out of my desire-hazed thoughts and reluctantly turn away from Mason.

             
Chase gasps. “What? You have other friends? I feel so…so
betrayed
.” He wipes away a pretend tear.

             
Park’s face is stoic. He shakes his head and picks up a mic. “Yeah? Join the club. I ordered jackets.”

             
I bite my lip to hold in my retort. Snatching my drumsticks off the snare, I plop down behind the drum set and slam my foot down on the base peddle. Mason catches my eye and I’m surprised to see something like regret tracing his features. His gaze slides to Park and I realize it’s more like pity. Mason feels bad for Park. My stomach pulls tight, twisting, and I feel nauseous suddenly. If Mason feels bad for Park then what does that say about me? It’s not like I didn’t feel bad already knowing I hurt him, but to have Mason thinking it—hurts. Too much.

             
My eyes burn. My stomach churns. I hate feeling like this. I want to scream. I need to cut. My fingers squeeze the drum sticks until my knuckles whiten. I bang them down hard enough to knock the snare over, but I don’t care. I just kick it out of the way and shove past Guy. He reaches for me and I flinch away. I just want out of this basement. Away from Park. Away from Mason.

             
“Hope,” Park calls, an apology in his voice.

             
“Fuck off,” I murmur.

             
I pound up the stairs and straight out the back door. I don’t even know where I’m going.

             
“Hope?” I freeze at the sound of Park’s voice and tuck my hands into my sides. “What?” I don’t turn around. I don’t want to look at him. Mason is the first dude I have ever felt this way about, the first I’ve ever wanted to let in, and I will always pay for it.

             
“Hey, I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it.”

             
I laugh in a way that’s supposed to sound cold, but comes out strangled and pathetic. “Yes, you did.”

             
He’s quiet for so long, I finally glance back at him. “Okay, maybe a little. I just feel that way sometimes. It’s hard, ya know? I don’t think you understand how things were for me. How things are for me now. I didn’t believe you. When you said we weren’t together, I thought you were just talking shit. I thought you were afraid I’d hurt you or something. I thought it was your way of feeling secure. I had no idea you really meant it.” He shifts the hair out of his eyes and crosses his arms. His boots scrape at the cement step. I don’t know how to respond. All I know is there is so much guilt inside and I loathe myself so completely.

             
“I was in love with you.” I flinch away from his words or his tone. They both strike at me. “That’s not easy to turn off. I’m hurt and I’m pissed. I’m trying to deal because I want you in my life, but I see how you look at him.” He peers at me, that same expression on his face from lunch. “He makes you happy and I will always want that for you, but—shit—it hurts like hell that it isn’t me making you smile.” He gestures at me, frowning. “I do
this
to you. I know we can’t go back, but I’m going to work on being your friend.”

             
“Park—I loved you. I did. I do. It just wasn’t…”

             
“Yeah. I know.” He unhooks his arms and shoves his hands in his pockets, shrugging. “I get it now.”

             
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never meant for this to happen.”

             
He smiles sadly. “I know that too. You can’t help how you feel.”

             
“I don’t deserve you.” My voice is shaky. I take a step in his direction and he knows what I want without me having to say it. Park pulls me into a hug, his arms wrapping securely around my back. He makes a noise and sighs. “We shouldn’t make a habit of this.” He’s right. I don’t own the dating rule book, but I’m pretty sure hugging your kind of ex-boyfriend is a pretty big no-no. “I don’t want to let you go,” he whispers. I don’t know if he means the hug or something more. Either way, I pull back.

             
Park sighs. “I may make more shitty comments in the near future, but I don’t mean any of them. Just ignore them, or punch me, or something.”

             
I laugh weakly. “All right. Deal.”

             
“I’m gonna go back inside. I think your boyfriend wants to either kick my ass or talk to you.” He smiles ruefully. “Probably both.”

             
I look up at the door where Mason paces in and out of view, hands on hips. I can’t help the way my body relaxes at the sight of him even when he’s obviously aggravated with me.

             
Park opens the door and he and Mason slide past one another as if the other doesn’t exist. I lean against the house, the siding flexing with the pressure from my back.

             
“You all right?” Mason asks. He stops in front of me, his shoes on either side of mine, and he smoothes his palms across my hips.

             
“I’m confused. You act like you can’t stand Park, but you feel bad for him. You want details when I talk to him, but it bothers you the way he’s hurting. The way I hurt him.”

             
Mason blinks slowly and steps back. “I do feel bad for him. It’s apparent he’s in pain. That doesn’t mean I can’t still dislike him.”

             
“And it’s my fault.”

             
He tilts his head, eyes grazing slowly over my features. His voice is soft, careful. “You’re the reason he’s in pain, but it’s not your fault. I don’t think blame can be assigned in a situation like this.”

             
I look away. “I knew it. I don’t know why I fooled myself into thinking it could be different.”

             
Mason’s grip tightens on my waist. “What does that mean?”

             
I can’t look at him. I won’t. “You see it. The real me. The fuck up.” I huff out a small laugh. “I knew it wouldn’t last.”

             
“What the hell are you talking about?” His voice is angry now and I don’t know why it surprises me.

             
“This is what I do. I hurt people.” I take a breath, but I can’t
breathe
. “It’s in my blood. My mom, she turned Guy’s uncle, Donnie, into an alcoholic. She ruined him. He wanted to help her, and she killed him. All he wanted was to help her change, but she changed him. She was good at one thing, Mace, hurting people. That’s what she always did. It’s what I’ll always do.”

             
He shakes his head, disgusted. “Why are you letting someone else’s past decide your future?” His words rake over me like gravel. “First off, I’m pretty damn sure it’s not possible to turn someone into an alcoholic. Donnie had to do that to himself. And your mom didn’t kill him. He was driving.”

             
I look up quickly at that. “Guy told me,” he says. “His uncle made his own decisions, Hope. Your mom didn’t force him. And yes, Park is hurt over you. He loves you and wants to be with you, but you didn’t try to cause him pain. I can relate to him because I love you and I can imagine what it would feel like if I lost you. You’re not a fuck up. I hate to break it to you, but you are completely normal. And you’re beautiful. The problem isn’t who you are. It’s who you
think
you are.”

             
“Ugh.” I push him away from me because that speech felt too good. I want to lean into him and allow his words to consume me. “Don’t call me that.”

             
“What? Beautiful? I don’t want to be afraid to tell you how I feel. I think you’re beautiful. I can’t help that.
I love you
. You will always be beautiful to me. I know that word means something awful and ugly for you, but fuck that. Fuck
him
. Don’t let a pedophile ruin who you are. Don’t let him have that kind of power over you. Be your own kind of beautiful. Give it your own meaning. I’m going to tell you every day until you see you how I see you. Until you know who you really are.”

             
There’s a denial on the tip of my tongue, but Mason swallows it with a kiss. “Shh. Stop pushing me away. I don’t want to keep fighting you. Just accept that I care about you too much to go anywhere.”

             
“I don’t know how,” I whisper into his skin.

             
“Then I’ll show you. Every single day.”

             
“That’s a long time.”

             
He nods, his head moving against mine. “Forever.”

             
“Why Mason?” I plead. “Why me? I need to know.”

             
“I don’t know, Hope. Life is funny that way, I guess. I mean, I walked through the world, passing this person, and that person. And nothing meant anything to me. Everything, everyone was just a blur in my peripheral. And then I saw you.
I saw you
. I don’t know why you. And I’m not going to question it because I’m afraid that maybe if I gnaw at it too much, I’ll mess with whatever happy fate made this happen. If that’s not enough, there’s always this.” He tilts my head back and brings his mouth to mine softly.

             
“I don’t want to be like this. All…” I shake my head, searching for the right words. “Scared and insecure all the time.”

             
“Then don’t be.” His thumb glides across my lip and I look up, meeting his green eyes. “Trust me.”

             
“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” I say very slowly. My mind is racing. “I don’t trust me. There is only so much of me you’re going to be able to take. At some point, you are going to hit your limit. I’m going to keep having these insane freak outs and pushing you and you are going to get sick of me.”

             
He laughs loudly, his eyes crinkling, the dimple winking at me. “Never gonna happen. I kind of like your freak outs. Or the part where I calm you down.”

             
I open my mouth to argue, because it’s what I do, but he shakes his head and smothers my words with another kiss. “Just shut up.”