Somewhere Only We Know ....... (29 page)

mess I have left behind

I read it
and reread it again. It w
as my
handwriting but I had no recollection of writing it. I ran to the
bathroom and vomited.

Retuning into the bedroom I ripped the
letter into tiny shreds, put it into the handbag and took it
downstairs. I went straight out the back door and dumped it in the
bin.

For whatever
reason I had survived it. I needed to get on with my life and start
living, I had a lot of making up to do.

It
’
s Getting Better

It took another 8 weeks before I returned to
work. I had been off 3 months in all. I had visited the doctors for
a sick note but had refused anti-depressants and counselling, my
family and friends were all I needed.

I had good days and bad, gradually the good
days outnumbered the bad and I knew I was well on the road to
recovery. Scarlett and Sasha were there for me constantly, they
rang me, they

text
and the called. Bethany had deleted everything
off my mobile phone, she said she
didn
’
t
wasn
’
t me reading the
messages and listening to the voicemails that had been sent the
night I had gone missing. She apologised if she had deleted
anything I particularly wanted to keep, if there had been it
wasn
’
t important
anymore.

I apologised to everyone all of the time,
until it got to a point where everyone was sick of hearing it, they
just wanted normality.

A legacy of
my night at the lake was that I had developed panic attacks, not
badly, but I puffed and blew and had to stand still and control my
breathing and let my heart rate calm down. At first it happened
quite a bit, when someone came into the house, especially someone I
hadn
’
t seen since
‘
the night
’
and then it also happened if I left the house. I
had it controlled in the house, but even after 3 months I still had
no control over it in the outside world. For the time being I was
just going to have to live with it and not put myself into
situations that would bring it on.

Ben came to
see me. About 2 days after I went back downstairs there was a knock
on the door. Bethany answered it and then came into the living room
where I was sitting on the settee watching Jeremy Kyle, which
strangely always made me feel normal, and said Ben wanted to see
me. By the time he came in I had my breathing under control and
even managed a small smile at him. He smiled back and the breath
left my body again, this time for a completely different reason. He
sat on the settee next to me and said sorry. We then had a few
minutes of sorry tennis and ended up laughing. But he insisted that
I accepted his apology for however much of a part he played in how
I was feeling. I tried to explain that he was only part of my
problem. As he sat in front of me he was out of his depth, I must
have looked about a hundred, no make-up, shabby old dressing gown,
but he continued to smile at me and when our eyes met I saw all of
his love there. Nothing had changed.

He stood up
to leave and opened his arms to me. I stood and went into them,
controlling the panic attack that was threatening. As he wrapped
his arms around me, I felt my heart sore and the panic attack was
defused, this was still where I belonged. After everything that had
happened, Ben was the ointment that soothed my fragile soul. I was
just going to have to live with it.

After
Ben
’
s visit the road to
recovery didn
’
t seem as
daunting. I still had a long way to go, but I knew I could do it. I
started making an effort with my appearance and instead of sitting
around in my dressing gown all day, I would get up and get dressed.
I badly needed a haircut but was terrified of going, so Beth made
me an appointment and came with me. The stylist
didn
’
t seemed to notice all
the puffing and blowing I did as she washed my hair, it
wasn
’
t a big deal going to
the hairdressers but to me it was a triumph.

Ben came to see me more and more often.
Sometimes we would sit in the house and play cards, sometimes he
would take me out for a drive in his car. My mam and dad commented
how good he was with me and seemed to have more patience with me
than my kids did. One day I would tell them I thought, just not
yet. They had been really good while I was recovering. I did feel
guilty when they went on and on about what type of virus I had had,
they had even Googled my symptoms and decided I must have had
glandular fever, but I accepted all the help they gave me and loved
having the time to spend with them. Our regular trip down to the
coast on a Wednesday for fish and chips was a great miss when I
finally went back to work.

Going back to work was easier than I
thought, I was feeling so much better than I had in a long time. My
thinking was clear and I had lots of energy and drive. There had
been lots of good news to make me smile and I was looking forward
to the future. Look forwards and not back was my motto now and I
intended to stick to it.

The first
bit of good news I had had was that Bethany was pregnant. Her and
Jack had been really serious about each other for ages. Although it
was a shock at first, when the news sank in I was really happy, I
was going to be a Granny. They had decided they
weren
’
t going to get married
just because she was pregnant but they were going to get a place of
their own. The pregnancy was another kick up the backside for me,
Bethany needed me and I wasn
’
t going to let her down.

The next bit
of news was that Scarlett was getting married. She came into mine
one Friday night with the usual bottle wrapped in a carrier bag in
her hand but when Sasha arrived she took it out of the carrier bag
and it was champers!!
“
I
’
m getting
married
”
she sang. I cried,
just for a change, I was so happy for her, John was lovely and they
made a great couple. She said she wanted Bethany to be a bridesmaid
with Charlotte and we laughed because she was going to have to get
a move on before Beth was too big. She was also going back to her
real name Karen. She said that John had never ever called her
Scarlett and seeing as she was going to be called Green when she
got married it didn
’
t
exactly go. Funny but I never realised until that night that
Scarlett had always had a coloured surname, White was her birth
name, then she had married Dave Brown and now she was going to be a
Green, I wondered if she subconsciously looked for colours or could
it really all just be a coincidence.

And Ben was
back. He didn
’
t say much
about Emma, but reading between the lines she
wasn
’
t happy that he had
started spending lots of time at our house again and nagged him
constantly about it. As I knew of old, Ben
didn
’
t do nagging and left
and apparently Emma was off the rails.

So life was
good. I would shiver when I thought what it could have been like if
I hadn
’
t flattened the
battery of the car and the cold
hadn
’
t woken me up, but I
had woke up and I was living. Still in the shadows but it
didn
’
t feel as oppressing
and I was coping. I had a fire in my belly again and I intended to
keep that fire burning.

The wedding
was lovely. It was almost Christmas and Scarlett had took advantage
of the season and chose creams and reds. She looked stunning as did
Charlotte and Bethany, who were in red velvet and
carr
ied cream mufflers which came in
handy to hide Bethany
’
s
growing bump.

After the
Church service we all went back to the pub where Scarlett worked
and where she had met John and the owners had done her proud, it
was like a winter wonderland. We were all there. Thomas, Beth and
James. My mam and dad, Ben, Amy and Jack and
Thomas
’s
on off girlfriend
Gabby. Sasha and all of her family too, who turned out to be the
life and soul of the party, they were a hoot. We ate, we drank, we
laughed and when my dad leant over the table and said I looked more
like Beth
’
s sister than her
mam, I almost cried.

Ben and I
were back to normal, we had been for months. We were getting on
better, if I felt insecure I walked away from him, not out of his
life, I just went for a walk or did something I enjoyed. I
couldn
’
t expect to have an
age gap relationship and not feel doubts, but I was learning to
live with them. He was my best friend, not like Sasha and Scarlett,
Ben and I were intimate and so got my innermost secrets. I was
learning to open up, with friends, with family and I felt better
for it.

Obviously me
and Ben were still hush hush so even at the wedding we were
guarded, I don
’
t think
public displays of affection would go down well, but I had Beth and
my friends to talk to about him and if anything upset me I would
run it past one of them, usually to be told that what I felt was
nothing to do with Ben
’
s
age, it was just men in general.

After
Christmas Beth and Jack moved into their own place. They had
managed to get a little two bed roomed house a few streets from my
mam and dad
’
s. It was small
and cosy and within weeks it felt like their home. My house felt
strangely odd without them, but we saw each other virtually every
day and as her bump grew we had shopping trips to buy baby stuff,
when my mam came with us we would reminisce about when me and her
had done the same thing with my Granny when I was
pregnant.

Not long
after Beth moved out Jasper died. We were never sure how old he
was, but he had had a good innings. The last years of his life he
and slept away on one of the living room chairs, but losing him
left us all devastated. He had been a good and faithful friend to
us all and he had learnt the kids about responsibility, it had
become second nature to them all that they always made sure that
there was going to be someone available to feed and walk him, or in
his later years just to let him into the yard.

Coming in
from work one night shortly after he died, I found Bethany with the
house upside down. She was cleaning for England. She
didn
’
t believe me when I
told her her baby wasn
’
t far
off coming. Beth thought she was doing me a favour by getting rid
of all the doggy smells, which she was. But I could remember from
my pregnancy with Bethany that a few days before I had her, I top
and bottomed the house. It was like some compulsion I
couldn
’
t stop. My Granny
called it nesting - getting the home ready for the new
arrival.

And sure
enough, a couple of days later Bethany went into labour. I was with
her and Jack when after 16 hours of hard graft, baby Ava came into
the world. She was the most perfect baby I had ever seen and I was
so proud of Beth, she had done amazing. Thomas and James had both
been in the waiting room for hours, they were like expectant
father
s
themselves and I
know that when they were allowed in to see their niece they both
struggled to hold back the tears, the softies.

As we left
the hospital that morning I sent up a silent prayer to God for
keeping Bethany and Ava safe, that old doubt had never gone away
and no doubt never would. But I thanked God anyway and I thanked
him again for saving me. What if I
hadn
’
t been here to see all
of this, I had been a fool, a poorly fool, but a fool all of the
same.

So baby Ava became the centre of our world.
Everyone cooed and fought over holding her. My mam and dad turned
up with a huge cheque to put into her savings account, she was the
first of the new generation they said and were pleased as punch
that they were still around to see her.

And so the rhythm of my life returned. I was
happy. I had lovely kids and a new granddaughter. I had my mam and
dad who were in good health and were continuing to enjoy their
retirement with lots of holidays and trips away. I had my friends
and I had Ben.

That is I
had Ben until I got a frantic phone call off Thomas late one night
to say that Ben had been in a car crash and once again my world
went tits up.

I
couldn
’
t take in what Thomas
had said. He said
“
Ben had
been in a car crash and had been taken into the RVI in Newcastle,
he was on his way there now because
Ben
’
s mam and dad had rung
him. He would meet me through there!!
”
That
’
s
all he had said. Was I supposed to go? He said he would see me
there so I took that as a yes. Panic took hold of me and I
struggled to breathe, how serious was it?? It
Ben
’
s mam and dad had rang
Thomas then it must be serious or they
wouldn
’
t have told him to go
and Thomas certainly wouldn
’
t have told me to go unless
Ben
’
s life was in danger. It
was Thomas who needed me not Ben.