Songbird (29 page)

What
happened next was like a nightmare and when I remember the events of that
morning, my hair still stands up on the back of my neck.  Abigail was clinging
to the rope and about to swing out over the water.  Only the flash of her
bright red cape caught my eye as I turned my head.  And then she collided with
Danny.  The impact caused him to lose his balance and fall backwards, knocking
Emily off the boulder she was standing on.  One splash in the water was
followed by a second, but not before my daughter had slipped and banged her
head with a sickening thud on the boulder Danny had just fallen from.  Abigail
swung back and dropped from the rope.  I ran to the water’s edge, my mind numb
with horror as I saw two small figures swept into the middle of the river.

I
heard someone give out a piercing scream and realised it was coming from me. 
And then I felt the sting of icy water on my feet, arms and hands as I crashed
into the bitter cold that engulfed me and made me gasp.  Somehow I tried to
swim.  I knew that my clothes would hamper me, but it didn’t matter, my
recklessness was overwhelming.  I pushed through the treacherously cold water,
ignoring the pain that numbed my fingers.  In fact, the air caught in the
layers of my coat and dress keeping me afloat, but it wouldn’t last for long. 
My heavy clothes would soon become sodden and I would be dragged under.  I
don’t know how I reached her, but suddenly I held Emily in my arms.  Her face
was pinched white, her eyelids closed and almost transparent.  Blood trickled
from her temple.  I could see Danny just feet from me.

“Danny! 
You must swim.  Swim to the bank!”

“I
c..can’t, M…Mama,” he wailed.

“You
must try!  Keep moving your arms and legs.”  I managed to get across to him,
holding Emily’s head above the water.  As soon as I reached him, he clung onto
me, almost pulling me down.  “Please, Danny.  You must try and get to the
bank.”

He
tried, but I could see he was becoming paralysed with the cold.  I looked
towards the spot where I thought Abigail would be.  She was nowhere to be
seen.  I groaned in despair.  She would probably run back to the house and find
a hiding place and not come out until it was all over.  I shifted Emily’s dead
weight into another position, trying to ease the agonising ache in my arm.  If
only she would wake up then probably she could help herself.  She said she
could swim.  But when I looked into her face, I could see she was unconscious. 
Danny fastened his arms round my neck, clutching me even tighter.  I felt
myself choking as I tried to liberate myself from his strangling hold.  I
cursed that I had never allowed him to learn to swim.

I
pushed with my legs and tried to keep the three of us afloat, the bitter cold
stinging every part of me like a million tiny needles.  It was then that I
realised that I couldn’t save both my children.  I just wasn’t strong enough. 
I looked at my daughter, her face white, almost lifeless, her eyelashes casting
long shadows on her cheeks.  And then I looked at my son, his face showing the
terror, the desperation to fight the cold, trying to stay afloat.  If I only
had the courage to let Emily go, to let her slip from my arms and allow the
river to take her.  She wouldn’t feel any pain, she was already insensible. 
She would sink into the murky depths and drown and know nothing about it.  Then
I would be free to help my son to safety.  I let out an anguished cry.  It was
a harrowing decision, a dreadful thing to consider, but either I saved one
child, or we all died together. 

I
pressed a kiss on my little girl’s pale and silent mouth and slowly released my
hold.

CHAPTER
TWENTY-NINE

I
t was
as though my arm had a will of its own.  It relaxed for only a moment and then
when Emily started to slide into the water, it tensed once more and I was
holding her even tighter against me.  Tears trickled down my cheeks, warming my
face for an instant, but then freezing on my cheeks.  I could no more let my
daughter die than I could my son.  But we were all becoming so numb with cold
and my mind wouldn’t function.  I couldn’t remember which way to swim and
everything seemed to be shrouded in pink mist.  All I knew was that I had
brought these two babies into the world and if it was God’s will, then I would
leave it with them.  Holding onto my children, I closed my eyes and sank below
the surface.

Strong
arms came round me, lifting me up.  I opened my eyes and through a watery haze,
saw Brett.  He took Emily from me and passed her to Lord Waltham before guiding
me through the water, encouraging me to keep moving.  As I concentrated on his
calm instructions I noticed a footman also in the water who already had Danny
in his arms.  It was only a matter of minutes before all three of us were
safely on the riverbank. 

Emily
regained consciousness and started to whimper.  Soaked and shaking uncontrollably
I clung to my children, holding them as if we were still bound together in a
life and death struggle, kissing the mud-spattered hair plastered to their
heads.  All the household had come running to help, lords, ladies and servants
alike and blankets were put round us.

I
heard Abigail’s hysterical crying and looking up I saw her clinging to her
mother’s skirt.  Her ladyship was trying to comfort her.

“It
was all my fault, Mama.  I swung on the rope and knocked them into the river
and Mrs Asquith had to jump in and save them.”  Tears were streaming down her
cheeks.  “Please don’t be cross with me.  I’m so…sorry.”

Brett
shook his head in despair at her behaviour and then took charge of the
situation.  “Come on, let’s get you indoors.”  He gathered his daughter in his
arms and shouted to Nelly.  “Run on ahead and prepare hot baths.  They need to
get warmed as soon as possible.” 

I saw
her scamper towards the house as if her life depended on it. 

Eloise
put her arm round me.  “Take it steady,” she said gently.  “You weren’t in the
water too long, so feeling should return very soon.”

Lord
Waltham helped Danny to his feet, but I held onto my son’s hand, reluctant to
let him go for a moment.

It
was absolute bliss being in the warmth of the house and even better when I
immersed myself in a tub of steaming water by the blazing fire.  I felt pain
for a short time as the cold in my skin slowly dispersed, but then it was sheer
enjoyment. 

Nelly
fussed about me as usual.  “Nanny Pearson is sorting out the children,” she
told me.  “But I think they’ll recover very quickly.  Doctor is coming out to
see you all.”  She frowned at me.  “It’s best that he gives you the once over. 
Especially Lady Emily.”

I
suddenly remembered.  “How is she?  Is it a serious injury?”

“No. 
She has a gash on her forehead, but it’ll heal, no doubt.”

I
remembered my desperate thoughts while in the icy water.  My terrible decision
to let her go, to let her slip below the water to her death.  How could the
idea have entered my head?  How could I have ever contemplated letting my
little girl die?  What a dreadful mother I must be.  An overwhelming feeling of
guilt swept over me and I couldn’t hold back the tears.  They trickled down my
face, salty tears falling into scented water.

“We
could have died,” I sobbed.  “My…the children could have died.”

Nelly
fetched the towel and I stood while she wrapped it round me.  “Don’t go
fretting over it, ma’am.  It turned out all right.  Lady Abigail came running
back to the house and ran screaming into the billiard room for her papa.  The
gentlemen jumped into action immediately.  You must have been in the water only
ten minutes if that.”

“It’s
still long enough to drown.”

“But
you didn’t and we must thank God for it.”

Twenty
minutes later the doctor arrived and gave me a cursory examination.  He asked
if I had swallowed any water, but I had to admit I couldn’t remember.  He
listened to my lungs and pronounced them clear.  After he had left, I dressed,
left my room and immediately collided with Danny who had taken his bath in the
nursery under the direction of Nanny Pearson.

I
caught him by the shoulders.  “Are you all right?  Has the doctor seen you?” I
asked, studying him from head to toe.

“Yes,
Mama.  The doctor said I was all right, but Emily has been put to bed and she
wants to see you.”

I
walked with him to Emily’s room and was pleased to see her tucked under the
covers, her face bright and cheerful, despite the dressing on her forehead. 
Brett and Angelique stood by her bedside and their eyes turned in my direction
as I entered the room.  He smiled sadly, she stared at me as though in a daze. 
Nanny Pearson stood nearby.

Emily
held out her arms to me.  “I don’t remember falling in the water, but Danny
said you hung onto me.  Oh, thank you for saving me.”

I knelt
down by the side of the bed and took her in my arms.  “I was trying to save us
all.  Thank goodness your papa and the other brave gentlemen came to help us. 
But you must get yourself better.”  I glanced up at Brett’s tender expression.

“The
doctor says she’ll be up and about in no time,” he smiled.

“It’s
all too much to bear,” said Lady Shelbrook, placing her hand over her brow. 
“I’ll have nightmares for weeks to come.”

I
didn’t answer because I couldn’t. 

Three days later
we left for home.  It was a sad farewell and yet I was happy to be on our way. 
Eloise accompanied us to the station in Basingstoke and waved us off, promising
that she would keep in touch and we would receive an invitation for a summer
visit to Claythorpe House.  I made no comment about that.

We
had managed a trip to the Christmas fair since Emily’s recovery had been
swift.  It was a very enjoyable afternoon and seeing the children screaming
with delight on the roundabout and swings, assured us that all was well.  And
as for Lady Abigail?  Never had I seen such a rapid change in a child.  The
utter shock of realising that her wilful behaviour might have cost the lives of
an adult and two children had caused a complete change in her character.  She
was no longer the sullen, arrogant, almost spiteful little girl she had been. 
By the time we left, she was a pleasant, smiling child, who was strangely
obedient.  I wondered if it would last.  I didn’t think it would.  But I
strongly believed that it would be a shame for her to lose her feisty nature or
her resolute willpower. 

Many
years later, I was to be very grateful for them.

I
said goodbye to everyone with a sad heart, my only solace was that I needed to
go home, for I yearned to see Nan and Diamond again.  And I longed to be back
in the theatre, singing on the stage for Andrew Perry.  The activity outside
the house made it appear like a coaching tavern, with many travellers setting
off on their various journeys and as our trunks and bags were loaded Brett
searched me out, holding Emily’s hand. 

“May
I visit you when I’m in London?”

“Maybe,”
I answered, kneeling to give my daughter one final kiss and hug.

“Only
maybe?  Then will you write?”

His
wife came towards us and I rose to my feet quickly, while Brett moved away to
talk to the other departing guests.

“It’s
been a very fraught time, Mrs Asquith.  To think that our little Emily could
have been drowned in that icy river.”  She shivered to emphasise the point.  “I
do hope your son finds great pleasure in Lord Shelbrook’s gift of the foal,”
her ladyship continued.  “I think my husband can be the most generous of men at
times.”  I was stunned.  Brett had gifted the foal!  I looked at Brett but he
was saying his farewells to Lord and Lady Waltham.  “
Oui
, I’ll get your
address from Mrs Babbington if I may and I would like to invite you to
Standford Park in the summer.  You must come, I won’t accept any excuses.”

“I’d
like that,” I stuttered, knowing it was completely out of the question.

On
the train journey home I was happy that Danny became absorbed in his book and
left me to my thoughts.  Brett had been very generous with the gift of an
expensive foal.  I must thank him.  Even though he had wanted to remain
anonymous, his wife had spilt the beans, so I should write to him.  Yes, I should,
but I knew I wouldn’t.

When
we arrived home, the welcome from Nan and Diamond was overwhelming.  Had it
been only seven days?  It seemed impossible to believe, but sitting round the
kitchen table, I told them about my visit, leaving out certain details that I
thought necessary.  Danny beamed as he told them about his new foal and Nan and
Diamond, their eyes wide in astonishment, thought it a truly wonderful gift. 
Their news was more mundane.  Nan had received three more commissions for
wedding gowns in the spring and Diamond was ready for her opening night in the
first week of January.  She had enjoyed the rehearsals and when I tentatively
asked about a certain person in the role of the mikado, she just winked and
gave me a superior smile.

The
following day I caught a cab to Covent Garden.  It was strange to be in the
theatre again and as I walked through the building I nodded to the people who
greeted me.  Familiar faces and familiar objects made me feel I was back where
I belonged.

Martha
was delighted to see me.  “Oh, Miss Barri.  It’s wonderful to have you back.”

“Have
you missed me?”

“Miss
Gregson is all very well up to a point.  But she can be quite vexing at times.”

I
knew that Simone Gregson, my understudy, could be irritable especially when she
was feeling the pressure.  But she had a good voice and would make an excellent
opera diva some day.  I sat at the dressing table and put on my makeup and then
the wig.  Martha helped me into my costume.  Noise from outside made me turn
round.  Andrew burst through the door.

“One
day you’ll take that door off its hinges,” I said laughing.

His
grin spread from ear to ear.  “I’ve waited all week to see your lovely face.” 
I gave him a withering look.  He ignored me.  “How was your short trip to the
country?”

“Very
enjoyable.”

“And
how was Alastair and his short, dumpy wife?”

“Don’t
be so cruel,” I said, smacking his hand.  “They were lovely and made me very
welcome.”

He
pulled a comical face.  “Did you give him my regards?”

“Yes,
I did.  And I think he wants to get in touch.”

“Oh,
Lord!”  He looked me up and down.  “You look rather pale.  Are you all right
about tonight?”

“I’m
perfectly well and I’m looking forward to it.”

“How
about supper tonight?”

“I
don’t think so.  I don’t want a conversation about a church, a ring and a
honeymoon.”

He
raised his eyebrows.  “The church and ring I like.  But the honeymoon sounds…”

Someone
shouting his name, made him spin on his heels and then he was gone.

Martha
chuckled.  “Miss Barri, you seem to be learning.”

“About
time,” I murmured, as a knock on the door told me that the curtain went up in
five minutes and I must take my place.

I
glanced in the mirror, adjusted my wig and straightened my gown.  I left the
dressing room.  My public awaited.  It was time to earn my wages.

It was the week
after Danny’s ninth birthday.  The weather was a little chilly as a cold wind
blew from the north-east, but when the sun managed to put in an appearance, it
was warm and comforting on our faces.  Diamond had planted daffodils and tulips
in our small back garden and the cascade of yellow and red petals nodded and
danced in the breeze.

Danny
needed some new boots and so I decided to take advantage of the sunshine and go
shopping with him.  He always seemed to need new boots; he grew out of them so
fast.  We were gone for most of the morning and returned home just before
luncheon.  The trip had taken longer than necessary as we had travelled on the
omnibus.  Danny loved climbing the stairs to the top deck and sitting at the
front where he could see the horses and pretend he was the driver, holding
imaginary reins.  My entreaties to go on the lower deck where it was more
sheltered went unheeded.

I was
surprised to see a hansom cab waiting outside the front door of the house and
as I put my key in the lock, the driver raised his hand to the brim of his hat
and smiled.  Visitors had obviously arrived and I wondered for whom.

Diamond
met us in the hallway, while we hung up our coats and put hats and gloves on
the hall table.  “Two gentlemen have come to see you, Issy.  I’ve put them in
the dining room.”

“For
me?  Did they say what they wanted?”