Southern Belles, a Novel About Love, Purpose & Second Chances (9781310340970) (35 page)

I put my feet down and looked around for the
television remote control. Unlucky in my search, I opened up the
drawers in the table behind my chair. The first drawer had a pad of
paper and a box of tissue. I closed the drawer and opened the next
one. I found a maroon-colored book titled Gideon’s Bible. I pulled
it out and closed the drawer.

I flipped it open and the pages flipped to
the book of Jeremiah. My mother had read most all of the bible to
me growing up. She would read to me as I fell asleep. I never knew
when she stopped as her reading usually lulled me to sleep. I
remembered having to memorize various scriptures in my confirmation
classes. It had been awhile since I read the bible. I started
reading, silently, until I began to get sleepy again. I decided to
try reading aloud to Lucy and I. While skipping around verses, I
came upon a familiar scripture in Jeremiah 29:11. It read,
for I
know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper
you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I
felt a warm tingling sensation run over my body, leaving goose
bumps on my arms and neck. I looked over at Lucy again and smiled
as I felt my body relax. I continued reading; yawning every few
words. I leaned against the crib-type bed Lucy laid in and
continued reading a short while until dozing off.

Sometime later I awoke to knocking followed
by a hello. It was dark in the room as I rubbed my eyes open to see
the shape of a female standing in the doorway. Squinting to see who
was at the door in the dim-lit room, I suddenly saw CeCe standing
there. I rubbed my eyes again to make sure I was actually seeing
her.

“Can I come in?”

“Yes.” I yawned.

I was so tired. I had a myriad of feelings
going through my body. I was happy to see her and angry that it had
taken Lucy ending up in the hospital for her to come back to see
her best friend. She slowly made her way over to the bed as she
looked over at Lucy.

“Is she okay?”

“She should be okay.” I said surprised by
the baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants CeCe wore. Her hair looked
slightly greasy and I could tell it hadn’t been dyed in sometime.
Her dishwater blonde roots had grown out several inches and she
looked tired. Even in the darkness I could see the dark circles
below her eyes. She looked terrible.

“Good. I came as soon as I got your
message.” She offered, making no eye contact with me.

“CeCe, where have you been?”

“I’ve been driving.” She said, watching
Lucy.

“No, where have you been? I haven’t heard
from you since Christmas.” I said, sitting up now.

“I’ve been busy.” She started to
sniffle.

“Apparently, too busy for your best friend?”
I said angrily.

“Char, I don’t want a fight right now.” She
said, looking down at the floor.

“You don’t want a fight then tell me what in
the world is more important than your best friend? I get your busy.
I’m busy too. I work, I go to school. I’m a single parent. You
can’t tell me you’re busier than I am.”

“Char, I don’t want to talk about it right
now. I came because you called me and I was worried about Lucy.”
She said, without looking at me still.

“What the hell? I’ve called you millions of
times with nothing back. I needed you before now. Thankfully, my
family was here beside me when I thought I might have lost Lucy.” I
said, feeling the tears start to build up.

“I’m sorry Char. I’m very sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“Yes, I’m sorry. I had the worst semester
and I haven’t talked to anyone.” She said, wiping her nose.

“What too many exams? Too many vacations
with your parents? Or was it too many parties with your sorority
sisters? That had to be really tough. Gosh, I don’t know what I
would’ve done.”

“This is exactly why I haven’t talked to
you. You are so judgmental. Just because somebody doesn’t do what
you think they should do or act like you—it gives you the right to
look down on them.” CeCe suddenly raised her voice.

“Are you on drugs CeCe? Are you
drinking—because I don’t know what you’re talking about? This is
about you not returning your best friend’s calls for the last five
months.”

CeCe glared at me with a look of pain and
anger. “This is exactly what I’m talking about. Charlotte; the
perfect one who never makes mistakes, who can do no wrong, who
always has looked down at me for doing what I wanted to do instead
of what you thought I should do.” She barked back.

“Are you kidding me? I got pregnant at 18
from a one-night stand CeCe. I gave up what was left of my
childhood to become a parent. Oh yeah, the guy who knocked me up I
never heard from him again—remember that was when we use to be best
friends. So, tell me what’s worse than that? Huh? You got anything?
Anything, at all? I know it’s hard having everything you want given
to you on a silver platter. I can’t even imagine how stressful that
must be for you.” I said in complete disgust.

Through gritted teeth and tears falling from
her eyes, I heard CeCe shriek back. “Yeah, well you were never
alone when you were pregnant. I was there for you.” Without holding
back her emotions, she repeated, “I was there for you, Char.”

Feeling my level of anger rising I asked,
“Are you pregnant CeCe?”

“No, I’m not anymore.” She said, with her
lips pursed tightly together wiping her eyes.

“What do you mean anymore?”

“I’m not anymore.” She sniffled.

“Did you lose the baby?” I asked feeling
ashamed for losing my temper with her.

“Yes.” Tears streamed down her cheeks.

“When did you miscarry?” I asked feeling
suddenly horrible for yelling at her and for not being there when
she needed me.

“I didn’t miscarry, Char. I had abortion.”
She said, looking at me through tear-filled eyes.

“You had an abortion?”

“Yes.” CeCe confessed, fighting back
tears.

“I started to feel bad—even ashamed just now
for yelling at you. I felt bad for you thinking how you just lost a
baby and how horrible that must feel—especially being all alone.
And then, you tell me that you chose to lose that baby—that you had
an abortion? I woke up this morning not knowing if I was going to
lose my baby. While I was pleading with God to let my baby live and
not die—my baby who I awoke to with blue lips—who was barely
breathing and almost dead—you are standing here telling me that you
chose to let your baby die?” I asked barely able to look at
her.

“I came here to support you as I’ve always
done Char. You have no idea how I feel. I don’t need you to tell me
how I feel or what I am. I’ve already cursed myself enough times to
want to just curl up and die. I’m sick about what I’ve done. No one
knows. I can’t tell anyone. I’m ashamed and I can’t change it—all I
feel is sad and empty, all the time. You’ve always been jealous of
the money my parents have to pacify me with but all the money in
the world won’t bring my baby back. I can’t change what I’ve done
as many times as I’ve wished I could. I’ve been sick to my stomach
for months. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Whenever I see a baby, I
have to look away to keep from losing it. There’s a piece of me
missing that I can never get back and I don’t know if I’ll ever
feel okay again. I feel guilty for being alive. I feel guilty for
wanting to feel happy again. I know I don’t deserve to be happy. I
wanted that baby—I wanted to have that baby so badly.” CeCe said
crying, shaking as she stood there. “I was scared. I’m not like
you, Char. I don’t have parents who love me like yours love you and
are there for you. My parents would’ve never talked to me again. I
couldn’t tell you—you made the right choice—one I couldn’t make. I
couldn’t face you—that’s why I stayed away. It wasn’t because I had
grown away from you. I wanted so desperately to tell you but I
couldn’t bear to be rejected by you for not being as strong as you
were. I didn’t want to lose you. You’re the only person that’s ever
loved me for me. Not even my mother allows me to be me—she’s always
trying to change me into something she can be proud of. I’ve always
been an embarrassment to her—never living up to her standards.
You’ve always been there for me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I hate
myself and I don’t know what to do. I’m failing all my classes. I
can’t think clearly. I’m plagued by thoughts of what would have
been if I kept my baby and now I’ll never know. I’ll never know
Char!” CeCe collapsed to the floor.

“I’m so sorry too. I’m angry that you didn’t
think you could tell me. Of course, I’m angry that you didn’t
choose life. But I’m angry that you were alone in this when I
would’ve moved mountains to be with you CeCe. I’m sad and angry
that you don’t have the most incredible gift in the world to love
and love you back. I’m angry that you’ve been hurting all by
yourself for months with no one there to love you—to get you
through this.” I said, nodding my head with a face full of tears as
I paced the room.

“I don’t know what to do. I’m probably going
to get kicked out of school. My parents can only throw so much
money at them before they are bound by some kind of ethical
dilemma.” CeCe sobbed. “Everywhere I go on campus, I’m reminded of
my mistake. Every time I try to sleep I just keeping thinking about
the baby and the procedure.”

I stood up and grabbed the tissue box from
the drawer and handed some to CeCe. I took out several for myself
and sat back down. I wrapped my arms around her and leaned my head
against her shoulder.

“How did this happen?”

“I was under so much pressure to be better
than my parents. I was studying all the time just to get decent
grades. By the time the last semester was over, I just wanted to
quit school. I needed a break. Instead, some of my sorority sisters
talked me into going to a party. I needed to just forget about the
last several months. There was plenty of alcohol and I kept
drinking so that I would loosen up by the time we got to the
party.”

“Was this the party you were going to when I
called you before winter break?” I asked wiping my nose with the
tissue.

“Probably, I don’t remember too much about
that day other than I had more to drink than ever before.”

“I knew something was up when I talked to
you that night. You were rude over the phone and you’d never spoken
to me like that.” I said, still sniffling.

“I’m sorry I was rude to you. I haven’t been
myself for a while now.”

“Who was it? Who got you pregnant?”

“When we got to the party it was packed and
everyone ended up getting separated. I kept drinking. I didn’t know
anyone and I really didn’t care what was happening around me. I
just needed a break from reality after the semester ended. While I
was waiting to get a beer a guy came up and offered to get me one.
I finished that beer and started on another two or three. I was
really woozy by then and just needed a place to lie down. He
carried me upstairs to his room and laid me down on his bed. He
locked the door and then came back over and started kissing me and
unbuttoning my shirt. I was so drunk by that point that I just kind
of laid there. He wasn’t mean or aggressive but I knew he wanted
sex. I obliged as long as he used a condom because I could barely
move. He said he would use a condom.” CeCe looked down at the
ground again.

“Oh CeCe,” I asked feeling her pain resonate
in my heart. “He took advantage of you—he shouldn’t have done
that—and any decent man knows that. What happened next?”

“I don’t remember anything else. I don’t
remember how I got back to the sorority house. One of my sisters
told me, the next morning, that she found me lying on a bed
upstairs with half of my clothes off. She managed to get me dressed
and found someone to help give us a ride home. I was so ashamed
that I didn’t tell you about it—that’s why I avoided calling you
the day I got home from school.”

“I’m far from perfect CeCe. You know that.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes—but that creep took advantage of you.
A decent man doesn’t do that. Did you tell the police about
it?”

“I was so drunk that night, it was my fault
too.” CeCe stammered.

“It doesn’t matter how drunk you were—it
doesn’t give anyone the right to take advantage of you. He was
wrong to do what he did and he knows it. Did you talk to him after
that?” I felt so much anger towards this coward for what he did to
my best friend.

“For about three minutes. I went back to the
Frat house after I found out I was pregnant. I went to tell him to
see what he thought.”

“And?”

“When I opened his bedroom door
unexpectedly—he was making out with some girl in his bed before he
started yelling at me. I threw the door open and went over to the
bed and grabbed the girl by her hair and started to pull her out of
his bed.”

“You did what?” I started to laugh, from
nervous energy, but controlled myself.

“I pulled the girl out of the bed and told
her he was my boyfriend. He started yelling I was crazy and she
started yelling at him before she stormed out of the room. I was so
angry at myself for letting him sleep with me. In the daylight
without the alcohol I could tell that he was use to jumping from
girl-to-girl.”

“Did you tell him?”

“Yeah, I told him I was pregnant with his
baby. He said he wasn’t going to be anyone’s dad and told me that I
needed to get an abortion. He threw $300 at me and told me to get
out of his bedroom and never come back.”

“Oh my gosh, CeCe; what a creep!”

“I was humiliated. I didn’t expect a
proposal but I also didn’t anticipate him treating me like a
hooker. I was crushed and so conflicted. I’ve never believed in
abortion. I still feel it’s not right but I was alone and scared. I
knew I couldn’t tell my parents. I didn’t think I could tell you or
anyone else. I was afraid of what would happen if people found out
I was pregnant—I was afraid of my parents disowning me. I knew it
was the wrong decision but I went anyway hoping to make this whole
nightmare go away.”