Southern Belles, a Novel About Love, Purpose & Second Chances (9781310340970) (36 page)

“I’m sorry that you didn’t feel you could
tell me.”

“I wish I would have. I was afraid to tell
you because I knew you’d persuade me to have the baby—which I
really wanted but I was afraid of what my parents would think or
do.” She said, looking over at Lucy sleeping soundly.

“Did it make your problem go away?”

“It ended the pregnancy which I thought
would help me put that part of my life behind. When I went to the
clinic, I felt sick and wanted to turn back but I was frozen in
fear. I cried the whole time knowing I was making the biggest
mistake of my life. Afterwards, I was just numb. The only emotion I
felt was sadness. The abortion hid my little secret but it left a
black hole in my life. I couldn’t bear to watch Lucy and wonder
about my child. I don’t expect you to understand and I’m not
looking for your sympathy. I just don’t want to feel this way
anymore and I really need a friend.”

“Ugh. This whole time I’ve been mad at you.
I felt abandoned all over again when you didn’t return my calls or
respond to my letters.” I said with my head between my arms resting
over my lap.

“I just couldn’t face you. I would’ve stayed
away longer if I hadn’t heard your voicemail this morning about
Lucy. I love you and I love Lucy so much that I couldn’t stay away
despite everything else. I know you needed me—I just wasn’t ready
to tell you yet. I didn’t want to disappoint you like I disappoint
my parents. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you or
Lucy. I’ve already lost too much and I can’t afford to lose either
of you.”

“I love you CeCe and I will always love you
no matter what happens. I’ve missed you so much and I’m so sorry
you’re hurting. I’m sorry that you were right—I can be judgmental
and I’m very sorry. I hate that this happened—all of it and that
you didn’t have a friend to be there for you.” I said, wrapping my
arms around CeCe.

“I really need you Char. I don’t know how to
get through this. It’s eating me up inside.” CeCe cried as she
squeezed me tightly.

“You will make it through sweetie. We’ll
make it through together.”

“Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want
anyone to know.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

I held CeCe for the next hour until we both
stopped crying. She and I moved the recliner over by Lucy’s bed and
curled up together, waiting for her to wake up. My heart broke for
CeCe that night. I didn’t agree with her decision but I could feel
the pain that she carried with her. She had changed from the
confident, not-a-care-in-the-world CeCe to a frightened, broken,
and lost young woman. Scared to move forward and stuck in her
torment, there was little left than just a shell of the life that
once was there. As painful as it was for her and I, I was silently
happy to be in the arms of her embrace of my best friend again. I
prayed for healing over her heart and life and that she’d be able
to find true peace and happiness again.

“Do you think things will ever be like they
were?” CeCe asked softly.

“No, but I think things can get better than
they are now.” I said with my head leaning against hers.

“I hope so. I can’t live this way but I know
that I don’t deserve happiness.” She said quietly in the dark
room.

“CeCe—you made a mistake and I can’t even
assume to know what it’s like to be in your skin right now. I do
remember feeling like things would never get better when everyone
found out about my pregnancy. I remember worrying that I would end
up a loser or that people thought I was a slut, especially when
there was no guy standing by to help with Lucy. I also remember
thinking that I wasn’t going to have any kind of a good future. But
you know what—Father John told me something very profound. He told
me that just because we make a mistake—doesn’t make
us
a
mistake. God didn’t screw up when he made you. He even knew we’d
make mistakes yet he’ll always love us and forgive us. I know it’s
hard to imagine but CeCe, he can turn your hurt into something that
could help someone else one day. There is nothing you can do that
would ever stop God from loving you Ce.” I said, starting to cry
again. “And of course, I’ll always love you.”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I can forgive
myself. I just don’t know. I would do anything to turn back time.”
CeCe sobbed softly.

“I know CeCe. If you want, when you’re
ready, I’ll go to confessional with you. It helped me to know that
God still loved me when I felt like I screwed up everything.”

“I would like that when I’m ready.”

A small cry rose up from the crib.

“Lucy? Honey, it’s mommy, I’m right here
love.” I leaned over into the crib as Lucy started panicking with
the tube down her throat.

“Lucy.” CeCe whispered.

“Can you go get a nurse please? I don’t want
her to pull out her tubing. She needs it to breath.” I asked
quickly.

“Sure, I’ll be right back.” CeCe took off
towards the nurse’s station.

Two hours later the doctor ordered that Lucy
could have the tube removed. She was breathing on her own. Her
blood oxygen level was ninety-eight percent, a huge improvement. I
called my mother around six AM to tell her the good news. CeCe
stayed the rest of the time with me and Lucy in the hospital room
until she was discharged home, with medications and a nebulizer.
The color had completely returned to her face and she was able to
start on a liquid diet. The doctor warned that her throat would be
sore, from the tube, for a few days. He said that chocolate
milkshakes would be okay for her until the soreness went away and
Lucy seemed to agree. CeCe watched from the sidelines, helping with
whatever I asked of her to get Lucy back home again.

As we left the hospital to go home, CeCe
turned towards me.

“Were you serious about going with me to
confessional?” She asked.

“Of course I was—whatever you need.”

“Would you go with me tomorrow morning?”

“Absolutely,” I said grabbing her hand and
squeezing it.

“Thank you,” she whispered, “for not hating
me.”

“I could never hate you. I’ll always love
you CeCe. You’re the sister I never had.” I smiled back.

“Good, because I couldn’t live without
you.”

I hugged her tightly before we got in our
own vehicles to head towards our homes. From her car she smiled and
waved. I smiled back and gave her a royal Queen wave. The next day,
as promised, I picked her up and took her to confessional for a
fresh start. I stayed in the car parked outside the church while
she spent over two hours in confession, with Father John. She later
told me that although it didn’t solve her problems, it was the
first time she had felt any sense of peace since the abortion.

Father John encouraged CeCe to talk with her
parents so she could let the rest of her fears go. For several days
she contemplated whether or not she would tell them. Not having to
tell them was part of the reason she tried to keep her pregnancy a
secret for fear of disappointing them. She also worried that her
parents would shun her away if they knew. Father John said he’d go
with to tell her parents for moral support. It was in late June
that CeCe finally told her parents, with Father John beside her.
She said that after sharing the story, her mother was angry and
stormed out of the room for the next half hour. Her father was
speechless before he broke down in tears. This was the first time
she’d ever seen him cry. Her father then left the room shortly.
Later, she learned it was for him to regain his composure. CeCe
looked to Father John for comfort in what she feared worst—losing
any kind of relationship with her parents. A few minutes later her
father returned and hugged CeCe tightly. She hadn’t seen this much
emotion from him ever. He had a mixture of emotions—anger,
frustration, guilt, but mostly sadness that his one and only child
had been through so much, all alone. He was hurt that she worried
about losing their love. Finally, Bev came back in the room. CeCe
said she could tell her mother had been crying too—as her always
perfect eye make-up was smeared and her eyes red. Bev was still
angry and felt partly to blame. Although, CeCe and her mother had
never been close, Bev just wanted for her only child to be happy.
She thought if she just pushed her to be the best at everything,
CeCe would be happy with all of her own accomplishments. She knew
CeCe was tough like her but never thought anything like this could
happen to her daughter. Bev was angry with herself that she and
CeCe didn’t have a motherly bond safe enough that her daughter
could go to her in her greatest time of need. Bev had not held a
close relationship with her own mother and found refuge only in her
personal successes. No one had taught her how to be a mother, let
alone a good one. She thought that providing the finer things in
life would help to fill other voids she didn’t know how to fill.
Bev had never talked about her shortcomings or emotions with CeCe
or her husband. This time, Bev did something that surprised CeCe.
She apologized. She shared how she regretted not being the mother
CeCe needed most and confessed that despite this hurt CeCe had done
so many things right in her life that she was proud of her for. She
last apologized for not telling her more often that she loved her.
Before now, her parent’s love was mostly an unspoken notion.
Hearing that they loved her meant everything. Despite the tenacious
confidence CeCe embodied—a part of her was still the little girl
that needed to be loved, cherished, and wanted by her parents.

CeCe knew things would not be perfect but
she was hopeful that things could get better and not worse from
here forward. She started counseling to help grieve her loss and
come to terms with herself. On several occasions, Bev joined her to
improve their relationship and communication skills. CeCe decided
not to go back to Athens in the fall as it only brought back
painful reminders of a life she was ready to leave behind. She had
two semesters left until she graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in
political science with a minor in psychology. She confided to her
parents that her passion had never been law and pursued the field
only to please them. Understandably disappointed in her confession,
they allowed her the freedom to choose a career that she could be
passionate about with one condition—that it would financially
support her. With that permission, CeCe decided to do an abroad
study though the university. Over the next two semesters, CeCe
would return to Paris where she felt at peace and reveled in the
beauty all around her. She agreed to finish the handful of classes
to complete her degrees and would volunteer in various areas until
she felt a calling. I, of course, did not want to see her leave but
knew she needed a new beginning.

That summer, Eric and I kept our
relationship a secret to avoid hurting CeCe further. I hung out
with him when CeCe was out of town, bonding with her mother for the
first time in her life. A part of CeCe’s wildness had tempered
itself and she was much more reserved, especially around guys,
except for Richie. When Eric, Richie, CeCe, and I hung out that
summer she existed with a subdued composure. I wondered if she
could see any signs that might hint to something between Eric and
I. CeCe had been through so much, I wanted to shield her from any
other potential upsets for as long as possible.

My parents threw an end of the summer
barbecue for CeCe’s farewell to Paris. Richie and the rest of my
brothers bought half a store of fireworks. Most of our family
brought a dish to pass. My mother invited Bev and James to come
share CeCe’s party. They had only been to our house, for more than
only a few minutes once, the day we left for school, in the
thirteen years I’d known CeCe. Upon arriving, Bev seemed a bit out
of her element as she handed my mother a lemon soufflé that she
[actually] made. She then thanked her for being such a good person
to her daughter. My mother handed me the soufflé to put on the food
table and then reached out to hug Bev, for what seemed like an
uncomfortable few minutes for Bev. After she finished hugging her,
my mother grabbed her hand and said something I couldn’t hear from
where I stood. I knew it was something from the heart as I saw
Bev’s eyes mist up. Like her daughter, Bev just needed a
friend—someone who would tell her what she did right instead of
focusing on what she did wrong. My mother knew how to love people,
all kinds of people, in ways most people never achieved in a
lifetime. Bev was trying the best she knew how to be the woman that
her daughter would be proud to call her mother.

That evening CeCe and I shared a blanket
under the fireworks while Lucy found herself comfortable on Bev and
James’s laps. I loved, loved, loved CeCe and knew again I would
feel her absence while she was in Paris, though I recognized it was
for her best. She needed the opportunity to find herself and
discover what made her passionate. I snuggled in close and enjoyed
the beautiful sparks of color bursting through the late summer sky,
with my best friend.

Chapter 19: La Bonne Vie

CeCe
had settled into Paris leaving just before Labor Day to start her
fourth and final year of undergraduate school. She found a nice
Christian family to live with that helped make her feel comfortable
and safe. The mother of the home was a volunteer coordinator for
various social service agencies. CeCe was able to try out several
volunteer placements while she worked on her French and took
classes at the university there. She sent me at least one postcard
a week. In return, I sent her my weekly column from the newspaper
along with a freshly colored masterpiece from Lucy. I could hear
pieces of the CeCe I knew and loved written in her
postcards—telling of the adventures she’d been on and exploring her
life’s purpose. On one particular postcard, she shared how she had
started volunteering at a girl’s home. She met girls that had been
abused, some on drugs, and some that had gotten pregnant and left
to fend for themselves before they even reached their fifteenth
birthday. Every postcard after that included stories about one of
her experiences at the girl’s home. I could hear something rising
up in her. It was passion and a determination to give hope to these
girls who had never known the definition of love. These young girls
had been rejected, abandoned, and their future’s cursed from
attaining the good life. CeCe knew what it was to feel alone and
hopeless. She could identify with them and knew how it felt to feel
like a mistake and a failure. CeCe had finally found what made her
truly happy—a high that no drug contained—bringing life and hope
into the cold, dark world these girls survived in. In the midst of
giving all she had to offer, CeCe found the peace she needed to
forgive herself and turn her pain into someone else’s freedom. She
attended church and began a friendship with God she had strayed
away from earlier in life for feeling she was a letdown to Him. She
learned to laugh again, and love the person she was and the one she
was becoming. She began to respect herself in a way that upheld her
dignity and made her even more beautiful than she already was. She
was finding security, in her identity, for the first time and
didn’t have to hide behind her skills, charm, or wit. I enjoyed
getting her postcards; I was happy that she was finding happiness
again.