Spud (44 page)

08:30   Simon has made school history by being the first first year to be awarded school colours for cricket.

Amanda has invited me to the St Catherine’s end of year dance. I couldn’t help the snare drum blasting off in my chest but that was closely followed by a near fatal stab of guilt as a vision of the Mermaid shot through my brain. Why has Amanda invited me? She’s made it clear that I’m too young and she’s too old. Does she still like me? Will I kiss her? Will she kiss me? What about the Mermaid? Feeling terrified (and excited). I ticked the box to say I was coming. My fingers were trembling.

Unfortunately, it looks like Christine has invited Greg Anderson instead of her boyfriend Gecko. My poor friend tried to look unfazed by it but I could see he was heartbroken.

Speech Day

And…
the long weekend.

09:30   Unbelievably, the folks brought Wombat up to one of the most important days in the school calendar. In front of a crowd of boys, she screeched loudly, threw her arms around me and proclaimed, ‘David, you do look handsome!’ I felt my cheeks reddening as I heard the loud sniggers around me. I heard Boggo saying, ‘Check, Spud’s granny is a pirate!’

Before reaching the school amphitheatre (decked out with a huge red and white marquee) just about every boy who passed me called me David and reminded me how handsome I was. Why was I, of all people, born of a line of lunatics?

The guest speaker was a former British Chancellor of the Exchequer (The Glock assured us that he is important). Wombat was over the moon and clapped every time the poor man paused. Unfortunately, he sounded like an accountant and warbled on about global fiscal discipline and the nurturing of market economies. No doubt Linton Austin was tearing his hair out somewhere in the crowd.

Then came the awards and prizes. I made off with two prizes (English and history) and the award for best performance by anew actor. Dodge received performance of the year. Rambo got the drama prize although I think that this has more to do with his performances after hours!

The highlight of the ceremony was the announcement of next year’s head prefect. A school tradition is that the position is offered to a post-matric boy. This year’s head boy, Marshall Martin, stood up to announce the
name. There was a hushed silence over the enormous crowd…

‘And the position of head prefect goes to… Mbulelo Paul Johannes Luthuli.’

There was a shocked silence and then polite applause. Luthuli will be the first black person to fill the position. He grinned for about the second time this year and shook hands with all the big shots. I felt my chest swelling with pride. Next year Luthuli is the school’s main man! Dad shook his head grimly and checked that his wallet was still in his pocket. After the ceremony, the folks and Wombat headed off to free drinks and snacks at Sparerib’s house so that they could chat to my housemaster and various other parents. (I reckon it’s just an excuse to get pissed on the school account.) I took the time to pack my bags and say farewell to Gecko who is flying to Mozambique to meet his parents. He promised to bring me something from the jungle and gave me a funny salute before marching out across the quad and disappeared through the archway.

Thankfully Mom didn’t try and steal any food from the buffet and Dad only got moderately sozzled. Unfortunately, the spotless Milton record was blemished somewhat when Wombat ended up in the gents’ toilet and was hurriedly escorted out by Mr Lennox. Eventually the torture was over and we sailed down to Durban in the now supercharged station wagon. The wind blew my hair and stung my face (still the legacy of our fishing trip). Dad says they’re still waiting for the back windscreen to be imported from France. On the positive side the roaring wind thankfully drowned out Wombat’s endless drivel.

Blacky was so excited to see me when I got home that he fell back into the pool and had to be rescued with the help of Dad’s scoop net. He wouldn’t let me out of his sight and slept the night at the foot of my bed, now and again licking my toes, just to let me know that he loves me.

Spent the day swotting with the Mermaid at her house. (Feeling guilty about going to the dance with Amanda but decided not to say anything.) Her mom and dad are trying to get back together and went off for a picnic leaving us to work in silence. Unfortunately, we did absolutely no swotting and spent most of the day giggling and telling stories. I was especially careful never to mention the name Amanda.

12:00   The trusty old Milton braai with Wombat was its usual predictable farce. Wombat took an instant dislike to Blacky. She watched him beadily while he spent the day stalking the Kreepy Krauly, and adjudged him to be touched by madness. (A bit like the pot calling the kettle black, if you ask me!) To make matters worse Wombat told the Mermaid that she had a good set of knockers and that she must use them wisely. As we were saying goodbye, Wombat asked me confidentially if I was close to starting a family. I smiled warmly and told her that a child wasn’t likely. She nodded and told me I was very responsible.

The Mermaid has asked me to spend Christmas with her family at a place called Wilderness on the Cape Garden Route. She also gave me a silver ring to mark her commitment to me. I locked it in the safe at home and tried not think about it.

Back at school already. The weekends and holidays shoot by so fast that it seems like I only dreamed them. Unfortunately, the dark looming shadow of exams awaits. I feel the terrible pressure of proving that my scholarship wasn’t a mistake.

Weekend Scorecard:

Still no sign of Gecko. Luthuli says he’ll be back tomorrow.

Sparerib called a house meeting to congratulate Luthuli on his grand appointment. The house gave him a standing ovation, which brought yet another broad smile to his serious face.

Also there was an election for a new house sanitation representative. (Earthworm has been the representative for three years but is finding it too much of a strain what with learning for his examinations.) Nobody was quite sure what a house sanitation representative does, although it apparently has something to do with toilets, basins, leaks and urinals. Rambo nominated Vern (now a traditional joke at all house elections). Nobody else was nominated so Vern won his first election by a landslide. Vern looked astonished and more than a little humbled at his new position of authority and immediately after the house meeting, strode off to make a thorough inspection of the bogs.

My mate has returned from darkest Africa looking like an old colonial explorer, complete with a pink face,
wide-brimmed hat and many exciting stories loosely based on myth. He reckoned his chartered plane had technical problems and had to make an emergency landing at Lanseria airport near Johannesburg. The fearless Gecko wasn’t afraid and continued on his journey into darkest Africa. While we huffed and puffed our way up to Hell’s View he rattled off a long list of strange animals and birds that he saw in the northern Mozambican jungle. He presented me with some red-faced monkey droppings in a small plastic jar. He told me these monkeys are nearly extinct and that the discovery of these droppings was wickedly rare. I thanked him and then tried to work out where I would keep my rare monkey kak.

Apparently it hasn’t yet been confirmed but his father may have discovered a new insect. However, various tests have to be carried out before this can be verified.

We spent the afternoon chatting away like we had been apart for months. The afternoons are now so much warmer and we stayed up on our rock until we could hear the dinner siren echoing around the valley. Down we went, still chatting endlessly about snakes and scorpions as the night crept in behind us.

The folks had a close shave with the police last night. Apparently the cops arrived and demanded to search Innocence’s room. Mom kept them busy while Dad hid her illegal booze in his garage. Luckily there was no chance that they would search the house because Mom and Dad are white and therefore presumed innocent. The cops told the folks to call if they noticed something suspicious and then left.

14:30   Practised my solo for the carol service with Ms Roberts who told me that the day my voice breaks
should be made a national day of mourning. I told her the day my voice broke would be the finest of my life. She gave me a knowing ‘you just wait and see’ look.

Earthworm is a complete emotional mess. His final exams start on Monday and he’s become a gibbering cretin. One minute he’s laughing like a maniac and the next hyperventilating and too terrified to leave his room. I tried to assure him that he’d done enough work but he just shook his head sadly at me like I was the one who’d lost my marbles. I lulled him to sleep with long-winded stories about Oliver, which suddenly felt like a lifetime ago.

Dreamed that Amanda kissed me and asked me to be her boyfriend. I said yes.

Fatty’s determined to call back Macarthur. He still hasn’t got over the shock of missing the ghost he’s worked so long and so hard to find. The poor guy tried everything from burning incense to rattling his seance balls – but nothing. I have a feeling that Macarthur has his own agenda and appears when it fits in with his busy schedule. Fatty even suggested that we should replicate the night that he appeared, which would mean a repeat at his farting record, Mad Dog’s skinning-a-cat workshop and Rambo’s cunnilingus demonstration. We all decided it would be too much bother, leaving poor old Fatty looking as distressed as I’ve ever seen him.

Can’t sleep. My mind is awash with visions of Amanda. I suddenly want her to like me again and kiss me and talk to me in that husky voice that says such clever things. Does that make me a lying cheat?

For the first time in my life I am relieved that a cricket
match is rained out. I need to study and I need to prepare myself for God knows what awaits me tonight.

St Catherine’s end of year dance

St Catherine’s is a female version of our school. Also red brick with manicured quadrangles, fountains and overfed goldfish. However, the buildings seem less intimidating and definitely less haunted.

Amanda looked gorgeous – I felt completely terrified. Her long red locks hung down over her milky white neck. She wore a tight black dress that showed her curvy figure and perfect legs. I found myself struggling to breathe let alone talk. I felt silly in my school uniform but we weren’t allowed to wear civvies.

Christine pinched my bum before shoving her tongue down Greg Anderson’s throat. Suddenly I felt for Gecko, but was glad that he didn’t have to witness the love of his life with somebody else – besides he’s better off without her anyway, she’ll cause him nothing but pain and embarrassment. She’s a bitch.

Oliver came back like a flash (mainly because most of the girls still call me Oliver) and the thrill and excitement of those busy weeks and months was all around the hall.

It happened during U2’s With or Without You. I remember that the room was dark and couples were slow dancing. The rasp of the singer’s voice seemed to capture my life in an unexplainable kind of way. Maybe it was the feeling of longing for something that you can’t have and not wanting what you have already… but it could have been anything.

Then we were kissing. My body was trembling, my knees were shaking. Surely this woman is magical, unreal – more ghostly than Macarthur even!

Then we were outside on an old wooden bench and Amanda was stroking my hair, whispering something
into my ear. I stared into her beautiful dark eyes. They were like a fire, or the sea. Maybe she was God? Was this another dream? (Nobody was offering me a hamburger so I assumed it was reality.)

Amanda grinned. ‘I’m a stupid girl, I know. I just wanted one more night for old time’s sake. But this will be it. This will be our last night together – ever.’

‘I know,’ I said. And I did know. This was it and I was happy. From tomorrow my heart belongs to the Mermaid. My heart wasn’t thumping anymore. It was just me and my fantasy and the night.

02:00   Awoken by the most terrible screaming imaginable. Already Boggo and Mad Dog were standing over Gecko. His bed was drenched. At first I thought that he had wet himself but then I realised it was sweat. Gecko had a fever and was talking rubbish. Something about an aeroplane.

You could have fried an egg on Gecko’s skin. Mad Dog and I rushed him down to the sanatorium and rang the emergency bell. After a while, Sister Collins unlocked the door in a foul mood. She took one look at Gecko and diagnosed a flu virus. She gave us some medicine, instructed him to drink a litre of water and sent us all back to the dormitory. We fed Gecko three spoons of medicine and the water. At first he refused to take it but we kept up the pressure and finally he swallowed it. He said he felt cooler and we all returned to our beds.

03:20   More screaming. This time it was worse. Gecko’s bed was wet again but now he had a nosebleed and was screaming about his head exploding. Mad Dog and I carried Gecko back to the san, ready to face the wrath of Sister Collins. Once again we rang the emergency bell. After what seemed like an age Sister Collins returned
with a ‘Now what?’ She was about to shout at us when she stopped abruptly. There was a thin trickle of blood leaking out of Gecko’s ear and down onto my pyjamas.