Stanton Unconditional (33 page)

I flick through the next few books. They are so candid. She talks about everything from school to being grounded. She thinks she’s a geek and complains about being too smart. I smile broadly. I rat back through the box and find the one I am after: 2006. I pause before I open it, should I do this? Do I want to know what’s in her head? I close it and put it back in the box. No … I don’t. I get up and make myself a protein shake and sit at the kitchen bench while I think. Maybe I will just read the first one, the one where she and I first made love. I go back to the bedroom with renewed vigour and open the diary. I flick through till I get to the date I am after.

28/12/2006

Dear Diary

We swam today all day. I’m missing Bridget. I spent the day with Joshua and I’m sunburnt. Joshua is trying to teach me how to surf. I don’t really want to learn but it means I can spend time with him. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh.

I smile, I remember that day.

31/12/2006

Dear Diary

I spent the day with Joshua again. Something is wrong with me. I am having bad thoughts about him. I sit here on my deck chair and he is opposite me as we all sit around the campfire. He is drinking hot chocolate. I want to move my chair next to him. I can’t stop thinking about him, I think I like him. He makes me feel butterflies in my stomach. It’s new year’s eve and all I want is for him to kiss me at 12 o’clock. He keeps looking at me and I don’t know if I’m imagining it. I think I am going crazy. He’s my cousin.

I smile and turn the page.

2/1/2006

Joshua has not talked to me all day. I think he knows that I like him. God, I’m such an idiot. I want to go home, I’m embarrassed. I miss Bridget. She would know what to do.

I remember that day, I was confused and purposely kept my distance. I turn the page.

3/1/2006

OMG big news. I asked Joshua when we were in the water at the beach why he wasn’t talking to me and he told me because he wanted to kiss me and he was having bad thoughts. I couldn’t help it. I smiled and he splashed me and then tried to drown me.

I smirk to myself—did I really try to drown her?

4/1/2006

At the beach today I was sunbaking and Joshua was lying next to me. He asked me why I smiled yesterday and I didn’t know what to say. I should have lied but I couldn’t. I told him that I have been having bad thoughts too. He held my hand as we sunbaked. I loved today.

I smile broadly. I remember all of this. It was exactly the same for me.

5/1/2006

Today was the best day of my life. Joshua and I spent the day surfing and then tonight when we were washing up with Cameron in the kitchen Joshua kept looking at me differently. The last couple of days he has started doing this cracking the neck thing when his eyes drop down my body. It’s fucking hot. What does it mean? Cameron went back to the others and Joshua grabbed my face and rubbed his thumb over my lips. He kissed me, just gently. He told me that he wanted to know how I tasted and that he couldn’t help it. I grabbed him and kissed him properly. Like tongue kissed … kissed. He backed away and told me to go to bed because he shouldn’t be doing this. I told him I think about him when I go to bed. He closed his eyes and told me to stop but then he kissed me again. It was the best kiss ever. He’s so beautiful.

6/1/2006

Joshua came to wake me up this morning, he came into my tent and told me he has been thinking about me all night and hadn’t slept. I couldn’t help it, I made him lie next to me and we kissed for over an hour. I have never felt so … happy. He makes me feel special.

My eyes flick to the perfect woman lying beside me and I put my hand on her leg. “That’s because you are special precious girl,” I whisper as I lean and kiss her again and inhale her scent.

6/1/2006

I’m being bad, I can’t help it. I asked Joshua to come to me tonight when everyone has gone to bed. He said no. I’m an idiot. I am forcing myself onto him. I will not embarrass myself tomorrow. I will stay away from Joshua if it kills me.

My face drops, is that how she felt … because that’s how I felt.

7/1/2006

Joshua came to me last night. I woke up and he was in bed with me. It was perfect and … he was hard. We made out all night. I have never felt like this. The clothes stayed on but I wanted them off. I wish I was more experienced so I knew how to please him.

I frown as I read the last line, is she kidding? She was my every fucking wet dream come true, hot, smart, beautiful … innocent. How could she have thought that she didn’t please me? I put the book to the side and lie down next to her. I shouldn’t be reading this but I can’t help myself. I lean over her and kiss her gently on the lips.

“Presh … wake up baby. I want to see if you are ok.”

No response. I pick the book back up and continue reading.

10/1/2006

I love him.

I love him and I can’t have him. We laugh all day and make out all night. He is perfect, my every dream.

My face drops.

14/1/2006

Things have turned physical between us. Last night we were both completely naked together. Joshua is so patient and gentle with me … he is teaching me how to orgasm. I love him so much, I need him in my life.

16/1/2006

He wore me down.

I couldn’t help it. Joshua has been trying to go down on me all week and I haven’t wanted him to. I’m embarrassed. Tonight he took over and wouldn’t listen to me. OMG. HE IS AMAZING. I took him in my mouth too but he wouldn’t come in my mouth. He tasted perfect. I never thought sex would be as beautiful as this.

I smile broadly, this is exactly how I remember everything. I wouldn’t come in her mouth because I didn’t want her first head job to be traumatising. My face drops as I realise that thought. I loved her even then.

18/1/2006

I want it to be Joshua. I want to give my virginity to him so he will always know that I love him. I don’t know how to ask him, he may not want to sleep with his cousin. WHY ARE WE RELATED?

I close my eyes in pain, why are we related?

19/1/2006

Joshua and I made love last night. It was beautiful and it fucking hurt. I am no longer a virgin. I told him I loved him but he didn’t say it back … it hurt my feelings.

I put the book down and rub my face with both hands. I knew I fucking hurt her. I can still remember the feeling of her hanging on to me so tightly. Christ, why the fuck am I reading this shit? It’s messing with my head. She always tells me she loves me and I never fucking say it back. What’s wrong with me?

23/1/2006

Joshua and I cannot get enough of each other. We sneak away every chance we get. We can’t stop, I will never get enough of him. We are now making love at least four times a night, it doesn’t hurt any more … it feels good … amazing. I’m addicted to his touch … to his love. We only have two more weeks together. Joshua told me he has never been in love before but he thinks he loves me. I hope he does!

I smile and keep reading

23/1/2006

Joshua makes me laugh. We get each other’s jokes when no one else understands what we are talking about. Even without the sex he is my perfect man, tall, athletic, smart. He looks at me this way when he thinks I’m not watching and he cracks his neck. It’s the hottest thing I have ever seen … it means he is getting hard. Ready for me, my new favourite thing is going down on him. I love watching him come apart … so hot.

I rearrange the erection in my boxer shorts. Reading that she loved going down on me even back then is a major turn on. I can remember how much she used to love it … it’s burned into my brain. My eyes flick to her half-naked body sprawled out on the bed. Ohh, you’re going to cop it baby girl when you wake up. Hard, I need it hard. I stroke myself to try and stop the need. I bend and kiss her stomach gently and my cock hardens further. God, I want her.

I hear the front door open. “Hey, it’s me,” Cameron calls from the lounge room.

I jump nervously and throw the diaries back into the box and kick it under the bed. I bend and kiss her thigh and quickly wrap a towel around myself to hide my erection. I head out to see him.

“Is she still out?” Cameron asks as he hands me a coffee.

“Thanks.” I take it and nod.

“What’s with the boner?” he smirks.

I look down to the obvious erection through the towel and I shrug.

“She’s unconscious,” Cameron says flatly.

I smirk and nod as I sip my coffee. “I know.” My eyes meet his.

He shakes his head and rolls his eyes as he walks up the hall to Natasha’s bedroom. He stands at the door as he takes a stethoscope from his pocket. I quickly scoot past him and pull the blankets up over her. It is just getting dark so I flick on the side lamp.

He smirks at me. “You know I’m a doctor right?”

I nod. “Yeah, I know. I also know you’re a sex maniac.”

He rolls his eyes.

I smile and bend to kiss Tash on the side of the face again as I gently take a seat beside her with my coffee.

He picks up her hand and starts to take her pulse.

“What time will she wake up?” I ask.

He shrugs. “Between twelve and sixteen hours after she was sedated.”

“Do you think she has a brain tumour?” I ask.

He smiles as his eyes stay on her face. “No.”

“Do you think she has brain cancer?”

He shakes his head again. “No.” He widens his eyes at me.

I watch him silently as he pulls up her shirt and listens to her chest.

“How are you going with the period thing?” He smiles.

“Fine,” I snap as I take a sip of my coffee.

He smiles broadly.

“What?”

“This domestic version of Stan is very entertaining.”

I fake a smile. “Hilarious.”

He picks his coffee up from the side table and takes a seat on the end of the bed.

“What happened? Why did she get this migraine?”

I shrug. “Probably because I am an idiot who keeps stressing her out.” I sigh.

“Did you tell her you didn’t trust her?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Did you argue?” he asks.

“No, she was calm and I argued. Tell me, Cam, do you think Natasha loves me?” I sigh.

He smiles. “I hope so.”

My face drops.

“Of course she does, idiot.” He frowns. “Why would you even say that?”

I shrug and take a drink of my coffee. “She keeps leaving me.”

He shakes his head. “Josh … she has had her own reasons. She has never played up on you. Hell, she hasn’t even slept with anyone else.” He frowns.

I run my hands through my hair in frustration.

“What are you worried about?” he sighs.

“That she is going to leave me again, and that I won’t cope,” I mumble.

“Josh. Get over it. Every man on the planet gets fucked around at some time. Why are you carrying on?” he whispers angrily.

I shrug as my eyes flick to Tash.

“You call her the drama queen. I reckon you’re being the drama queen. Of course she was pissed the other night and left. You were filmed with a stripper. I’m pissed off with you myself for being so stupid,” he snaps.

I pick up her hand and kiss the back of it. “I’m still in love with her,” I whisper as my eyes linger on her beautiful face.

Cameron rolls his eyes. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

Adrian

I wake to the sound of the shower running and I smile as I roll over and look at the ceiling. I haven’t felt this happy for a very long time. After spending every night with Nicholas for the last month we have finally become intimate over the weekend. It’s Monday morning and he hasn’t left my side since Friday. Satisfaction is running heavily through my veins, both emotionally and physically. The shower turns off and ten minutes later I hear Nicholas out in the kitchen. It’s weird he didn’t wake me up like he has every other day. I rise and walk out. He is dressed in his suit and is sitting on the lounge putting socks on.

I saunter into the kitchen and flick the coffee machine on. “Good morning, I smile.

He looks up from what he is doing and his haunted eyes meet mine. I frown in question.

“Put some clothes on,” he whispers.

I frown again and put my hand on my hip. “Excuse me,” I mutter. He’s got to be kidding—we have been naked the whole weekend.

He drops his head again and fiddles with his socks.

“What’s up?” I ask as I lean on the bench. Something is obviously the matter.

He stands. “I’m in love with you,” he whispers.

I smile. “Well that’s good because I am in love with you,” I reply.

He drops his head. “Don’t,” he whispers.

I frown. “What do you mean don’t?” I reply.

“Adrian, you can’t love me.”

“Why not?” I snap.

His haunted eyes meet mine again. “Because I am married.”

I frown. “No, you are widowed.”

He shakes his head frantically. “You don’t understand. I feel guilty for feeling like this about you when my husband is dead. I swore I would never love again and here I am playing happy families with you.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “A game you insisted on,” I snap.

“I haven’t slept all night. I should not have done this to you. I thought that I was ready but I don’t think I will ever be ready.”