Star (56 page)

And in Washington, Spencer made a decision. He had been stunned For days, and he had never cried as much in his life. There were heartbroken good-byes, and the bittersweet arrival of the Johnsons. But he knew he couldn’t serve anyone as he had JFK. He knew in his heart that he had truly loved him.

The day after the funeral he resigned, wished Lyndon Johnson well, and spent hours crying silently as he packed up his office, and then he went home with his boxes and his books, and his mementos of a man who would be missed forever.

Elizabeth saw him as he came in and she looked shocked. She had gone to the funeral with her father. Spencer had had to go with the rest of the staff.

“What are you doing?” She stood in the living room and stared at him. He looked tired and older than his forty-four years. He felt like an old man with no hopes and no dreams left. And that was why he had done it. He had resigned because he knew the dream was over for him, and he had given up too many other dreams to go on after the death of this one that had meant so much to him.

“I resigned. I’m coming home, Elizabeth.”

“But that’s crazy.” She stared at him. He couldn’t do that to her. She knew he was upset, but the presidency would live on, with or without Kennedy. He couldn’t just walk out like that. She wouldn’t let him. “I don’t understand you.” She sounded bitter and angry. “You had everyone’s dream in the palm of your hand, and you just walked out on it like that?”

“I didn’t walk out on it,” he said, “it died. It was murdered.”

“All right, I know these are difficult times. But Johnson is going to need help too.”

But he shook his head and held up a tired hand. “Don’t, Elizabeth. It’s over. I handed in my resignation this morning. If you want the job, be my guest, I’ll be happy to call the President for you.”

“Don’t be an ass. And now what?” He couldn’t even run for office yet, he hadn’t laid the groundwork. But he turned to her with a strange smile. He knew exactly what he wanted to do and where he was going from here.

“Now, Elizabeth, we call it a day. It’s fourteen years later than it should be. But I, for one, don’t want to wake up one morning and be sixty-five and wonder where the hell my life went.”

“What the devil does that mean?” The President had been shot, but that didn’t mean the end of everything for them too. What was wrong with him? But he was hanging on to the last dream he had, and this time he knew he wouldn’t lose it.

“It means I’m leaving. I’ve been here too long, in a lot of ways. And now it’s over for me.”

“You mean us?” She refused to understand, but he nodded.

“Precisely. I’m not sure you’d even have noticed if I hadn’t told you.”

“And just exactly where are you going?” She tried not to show it, but she was frightened.

“I’m going home, wherever that becomes. I’m going away. To California for a start. And to Crystal.”

“You’re leaving Washington?” She was stunned. He was throwing everything away.

“That’s right. I’ve had the best there is, and now I’m leaving. I’m going to go into private practice somewhere, or maybe local politics on a small scale, but I’m not staying here and I’m not staying married to you. I want a divorce, Elizabeth. And whether you agree or not, that’s
how it is. I don’t need your consent anymore. This is 1963, not 1950.”

“You’ve lost your mind.” She sat down on the couch and stared at him. She was thirty-four years old and he was blowing her life all to pieces.

“No,” he shook his head sadly. “I think I’ve found it. We should never have gotten married in the first place, and you know it.”

“That’s absurd.” She looked as ladylike as she always did, in her perfect imitation of the First Lady’s style, in her Chanel suit and her pillbox hat. But that was over now too. It all was.

“The only thing that’s absurd is that I let you talk me into staying this long. You’re still young, you have a whole life ahead of you. You can run for office yourself, if that’s what you want. But after what just happened,” his voice choked thinking of the man he had loved so dearly, “I don’t want it. You can have it all. The excitement, the thrill, the disappointments, the heartbreak.”

“You’re a coward.” She spat the words at him, but it was one thing they both knew he wasn’t.

“Maybe. Maybe I’m just tired.” And sad. And so goddamn lonely I could cry. And now he wanted to be with Crystal, where he belonged.

“You’re going back to her, aren’t you?” “Her,” the only word she ever used when referring to Crystal.

“Maybe. If she’ll have me.”

“You’re a fool, Spencer. You always were. You’re too good for that.” But he turned and walked away from her, and he went upstairs to pack his things, for good this time. And when he left the house that night, they both knew it was forever.

“I’ll call an attorney when I get to California,” he said from the door. It was an odd good-bye to a woman he
had lived with for almost fourteen years, but there was nothing left to say to her, and she didn’t answer as he closed the door, and drove to a hotel to spend the night before he left for California in the morning.

Spencer called Crystal late that night to tell her his own news. He hadn’t called her since before he left for Dallas. But she wasn’t home, and he decided to surprise her in L.A. The flight was long, and he was lost in his own thoughts and the only thing that cheered him was seeing her. But there was no one at her apartment, and he decided to find her on the set at the studio where he knew she was working on her new movie.

They had a lot to talk about, and he still hadn’t absorbed it all himself. He was free. He had walked out on everything, and he knew it was the right thing. All he wanted to know now was how she felt about it, and he experienced a tremor of terror as he got out of the cab at the studio and walked to the sound stage. What if it was too late for her? If it had gone on too long? If she wouldn’t marry him? It was all possible, but, unlikely. He knew how deeply she loved him, and how much they meant to each other. It was the one thing he had never really doubted in years.

But the sound stage was empty and he Was told that the cast was on a two-week hiatus, in respect for the President. He stood for a long moment, wondering what to do next. And then he knew. He rented a car, and decided not to call her. It was the only place he knew she could be.

The drive took him fourteen hours, but he hadn’t wanted to fly. He just wanted to drive along and think of her, and what they would do now. He stopped by the roadside to sleep once when he was too tired to go on, and twice to eat at roadside restaurants. But as the sun came up over the valley, he felt his heart sing, and he felt the spirit of his lost friend somewhere near him, it was an odd time in a strange world, but he knew he had done the right thing. And he arrived at the ranch at seven o’clock in the morning. The sun was high in the sky, but the air was cool. It was a beautiful November day, and there was a little boy running through the fields as he slowed to watch him. For a moment he had thought it was Jane, but as he looked at him, he knew it wasn’t. He had shining black hair and he was calling to someone as Spencer got out of the car and watched him. He appeared to be about eight years old, and seeing the stranger looking at him, he stopped and stared, and then he walked slowly toward him.

Spencer never moved as he watched the boy, and as he approached, he almost gasped. He had seen that face before, long, long before, when he was a child himself. It was a face he knew well, his own, it was like seeing his own childhood looking at him as Spencer slowly began to walk toward him. And then suddenly he knew what had happened, and she had never told him.

“Hi!” The boy waved a long, graceful arm, and with tear-filled eyes Spencer stopped. He didn’t know what to say to him, he only smiled as the tears rolled slowly down
his cheeks, and then he saw Crystal in the distance. She had stopped, terrified to see him there, wanting to call Zeb back to her, but it was too late, and she started running, as though to turn him back. But it was too late, and now all she could see ahead of her was Spencer. He was smiling at the child, and at her, and crying softly she began to walk toward him. He was safe, he’d come home, for a minute or an hour or a day, or however long she’d have him. She saw him walk up to Zeb, and take his hand, and she was still running toward them. It was too late. He knew. Her secret was his now too … and Zeb’s … she reached them just as Spencer lifted him into his arms and she ran to them and held them. He looked down at her, as Zeb stared at them both in fascination.

“I didn’t know you were coming.” It was the understatement of the century and he laughed at her, unashamed of his own tears.

“There’s a lot you didn’t tell me, I’d say, Crystal Wyatt.”

“You didn’t ask” She smiled through her own tears as he kissed her.

“I’ll have to remember that next time.” Zeb squirmed away then, embarrassed by them, and went running through the vineyards, as she had as a child, and their other children would one day. Spencer took her hand and they walked slowly back to the ranch house as they talked, and the boy watched. And Spencer looked down at her quietly when they reached the steps, and then up into the sky again. It was a sunny winter day … but he could have sworn that in the distance he heard thunder and saw lightning, as he kissed her, and the three of them went inside. Home at last. Together.