Stardust (9 page)

She tried to slap me, but Mom caught her hand mid swing as I laughed at her. She jerked her hand away and stared at me with such disgust.

“You were always boyish, always taking Dad’s time. Always wanting attention, and then that thing with Jess was just embarrassing, Jasmine. Everyone in town knows you are gay, everyone! We all know it but we never said anything because it embarrassed all of us, including Dad…I mean, why do you think Mom and Dad split up?”

I looked at my mom and narrowed my eyes. “That is not true.”

Mom straightened her shoulders and cleared her throat, “This is not the day.”

“Then what day, Mama?”
Violet said as she glanced at her and then back to me.

“You cannot all be serious,” I said as I backed up a couple of steps on the stairway. Poppy looked down and I shook my head as I turned my gaze back toward Violet.

“You are sick, Jasmine, you have always been…”

“Violet, shut your mouth,” my mom yelled at her as she closed her lips and they became a bit white as she pursed them together. I shook my head at her.

“Being gay is not an illness, you asshole.”

“I am not talking about…” she started to say. Mom grabbed her arm and escorted her out of the house and I watched them on the front porch. Mom looked calm, but her finger rose into Violets face, which a bad sign. That meant she was really pissed off. I looked around the room.

“Do you guys think I’m sick, do you?”

They said nothing and it hurt me. I mean, I had never exposed myself before, but to have my own flesh and blood act as if I was sick and not just born this way was horrible. It was worse than I had imagined it would be when I dreamed of telling all of them about the fact that I liked Jess more than a friend.

I took a breath and gripped the banister really hard as my knuckles turned white.

I then did something I never expected to do. I cried out and jumped from the stairs, I ran out onto the porch and tackled Violet. We flew from the porch together and into the yard. We rolled a few feet as I pulled at her hair and she tugged at mine. I had been before, fighting her when I was young. Violet was always somewhat of a bully to me and I hated her, deep down…I just despised her uptight ass.

My mom ran down the steps. “GIRLS!” she cried out as we continued to roll. I ended up on top of her and pinned her arms. I stared down on her as she gritted her teeth.

“Get off of me, Jasmine!” she
yelled as I shook my head ‘no’. Then she screamed as she got the better of me and rolled me onto my back. She held my arms down as I struggled to break free.

“Get up, right this minute,” Mom said as her teeth ground together. She glanced around the neighborhood, as if this could be the most embarrassing thing we had ever done. Violet adjusted herself and held my arms with her knees while she tapped my forehead. A game I hated when I was younger and sure as hell hated now. It was annoying, like dripping water.

“You are such a shit!” I yelled as my mom reached down to grab Violet's arm, but I flipped her over me as she screamed and her big red granny panties stuck out as her dress whipped up over her head. I laughed as I spotted them.

“No wonder you are getting divorced.”

“What?!” she yelled as she pushed her dress back down and scowled at me.

“Like you could even get married, Jasmine. Who the fuck would marry you? Oh wait, it was supposed to be Jess, right? You need your meds. She does, Mom!”

I stood up and stared at her. My mom stepped up and shook her head ‘no’ as Violet stared me down. Her dress looked all wrinkled and her hair was a total disaster, leaves sticking out of it and all.

“You need meds, you crazy asshole.” I shouted back to her. She laughed.

“No, you do, Jasmine, and I bet you haven’t been on them, have you? Of course not.”

I narrowed my eyes and clinched my fists at my side. “I don’t take anything, but you should, seriously…seriously she should!” I said as I looked back at my mom, but she only glared at Violet, who was too high on her horse now to come down.

“What you caused that family and our own,” she muttered under her breath. I leaned in and held my hand up to my ear.

“I am sorry, what was that?”

She crossed her arms on her chest. “Unbelievable, they all hate you.”

“Hate me? What the hell are you talking about Violet? I just saw Jess today, with Cody.”

Violet undid her arms and waved a hand at me. “You see?” she said as her eyebrows rose. Mom stared at her as if she was going to kill her where she stood.

“Jasmine,” my mom said behind me but my anger kept my eyes locked on Violet.

“I did, and she was fine.”

“Oh really, so where did you see her…the garden, on the street corner, or perhaps in the cemetery?” Violet said as she tapped her foot.

I stepped back as Violets tone bothered me. “The garden.”

“Huh, I wish I could believe you.”

I shook my head as it started to hurt a little bit. “What? What do you mean?” I stuttered.

Violet leaned up into my face. “Stop faking it.”

I stepped back and bumped into Mom as she touched my arm. I pulled from her. “What is she talking about?” I asked as my other sisters stepped out onto the porch and stared at all of us in the yard.

“Honey, come inside. You are tired, that is all, and upset about Cody.”

I pointed a finger at Violet and shook my head. “No, what the fuck did she mean by that?”

I kept stepping back as no answers came and then I ran, as fast as I could, away from the house. All I could think about was getting as far away from
there as possible. A feeling I had many times when I was younger. I rounded the corner and then kept going, until my lungs burned and my legs ached. I leaned over and then glanced up as I saw the gates to the cemetery above me. I paid no attention to anything as I had been running but the destination was clear.

I pushed the gate open and ran inside.
The sight familiar as I had seen it a million times before. I walked along very quickly as I seemed to know where I was going. My heartbeat sped up with each step that I took. Finally, I stopped and closed my eyes. Then I turned and there it was. A beautiful resting angel with the inscription….               

Jessica Louise Jarvis 1985-2001

I dropped to my knees and sobbed.

Chapter Eight

Stardust

I fell asleep at the foot of the angel.
The thought of anything else floating far, far away as I remembered things, bits and pieces, coming back to me. It wasn’t until the creaking of the old gates woke me did I remember where I was and why. I reached up and touched the face of the angel and nodded to her.  I heard footsteps behind me and pushed myself up as my mom walked up to me and then glanced at the sleeping angel.

“Why? Why didn’t you tell me sooner, when I got here?” I asked as she stepped up to the angel and touched its head, not unlike I had done too. Her expression spoke volumes to me. She looked remorseful, truly saddened at the sight of the angel and then her eyes ended up locked onto mine.

“Jasmine, this is the first time you have been home that you have not been talking about Jess. I have to thank Cody for that, normally you just go on and on about how you saw her and she is great…and you visit the garden.”

“Mom…I did see her, in the garden…in fact….” I paused. “Oh my God.” I felt a panic settling into my chest again as I thought about Cody. Why could he see her, see Jess? Why? How could that be possible?

“Jasmine…we are very used to accommodating your special friends,” she said softly as she touched my face. I stepped back and almost tripped over the headstones. I shook my head ‘no’ at her and she reached out towards me. “No, it can’t be, Cody….”

“What about him, Jasmine?”

“Is he….I mean, could you see him?” I said as my voice cracked.

“Oh…honey, Cody is as real as you and I are. I am just talking about Jess.”

I looked down at my hands as they shook. It was then that I knew how much he meant to me. How much I truly needed him in my life and I had a hard time focusing on anything else. All I could see was his smile, and I could feel his touch on my skin. I reached up and felt my arm. Then she spoke again and I looked up at her.

“But Jess, she is gone, honey. Jess has been gone for a very long time. You never accepted it, but maybe now…” The town priest came walking up to us with a brushed silver Urn with one word inscribed on it. I stared into it, my puffy eyes staring back at me until the word came into view. All it said was “
Stardust
”. I swallowed hard as I felt the lump in my throat rising. He stared at me and then turned to my mom.

He nodded to me and then stared at my mom. His tone was calm but inquisitive. “I came early, as you asked me to.”

“Thank you,” Mom said as she took the urn from him and held it out in front of herself for a moment.

“Funny how a whole person can be reduced to this…to dust,” she said as she pulled the urn close to chest and held it there for a moment. I could see her pain, her loss. I know that my parents had not been married for a long time, but the love she had for him would be forever and I knew that now. She sighed and then pulled the urn out again and stared at it.

“I debated about this, and I know your sisters will be furious, but your dad left a note, and in it, he asked that I allow you to spread his ashes from that train.”

Tears were streaming down my face and she stepped up to me and cupped my face in her hands. “Mom,” I said as the sobbing took my breath away.

“Jasmine, honey, you are not crazy. You have a special gift and those who cross over seem to enjoy your company, there is a reason for everything and because of that, I think you should take your dad on one last journey and give him the freedom that I never could here. Just know that he loved you so much. I love you, I always have and I am entrusting you with this. With him. I will explain it to your sisters later and to anyone who was planning on gathering here today, but I think this is best. It is what he wanted and I know you are the only one who can do it.”

I felt the urn placed in my arms, I tried to understand it all, but as my mom touched the urn and I saw one tear rolling down her face, I knew what I had to do. Only I could do this. Only me.

“Now go.” she whispered as she hugged me, Dad's urn between us. ”Go take one last trip with him and tell him that I never stopped loving him. You need to tell Cody too, because I see it in your eyes. Don’t let life slip from you, let yourself be happy Jasmine, let it happen, don’t do as I did.
”
                      

I reached the train station in a panic. I was out of breath and my lungs burned from lack of oxygen. I stopped and tried to catch my breath as I lowered the urn to the ground and took just a second for myself, but I could hear the whistle blowing and I knew it was about to leave. I had nothing with me, no suitcase, no clothing, just me, my dad, and a sense of purpose. It was perhaps the first time in my life that I felt as if I knew what I wanted and where I needed to go. I ran along the platform, holding the urn tightly against my chest. I had flashes of memory of Jess, my dad…all of it, even the car crash that night as I fought back the tears. Then, I saw a hand reach out to me and I took it. The figure pulled me up onto the train just as it picked up speed and I looked up to see an unfamiliar face when I so hoped it would be Cody. It wasn’t though, it was another man…his eyes looked somewhat familiar, but in the growing darkness, I could not tell if I had met him before or not. I quickly thanked him and then walked on, entering the long hallway and searching for an empty room to hide out in. I had no ticket on me, so I knew I could easily be thrown off of the train at the next station, but I could not afford that. My destination now had one end, the bridge.

I found one empty room on the train and quietly snuck into it. I went into the bathroom and threw pillows into the small shower. I slid the door closed and held my dad’s urn tightly to my chest as I drifted off. Sleep coming as if I had never slept before in my life. I was so tired and the dreams came, one by one…Jessica’s funeral, my many visits to the doctor’s office, the pills prescribed to me as I insisted I could still see her. I still talked to her daily, as if she was alive. Then I dreamed of leaving, running far, far away from Stillcreek and the ghosts that haunted me there. Ghosts I allowed to haunt me out of guilt and my inability to accept reality but I could not be insane. I couldn’t be. Could I?

I woke up, startled from the jerking of the train and knew it was slowing down. I needed to see where we were so I pushed myself up and peeked out of the bathroom. There was no one in the room, which was a blessing. I stepped out, still holding the urn tightly to my chest and then ran out into the hallway only to run into someone, straight into
their chest. I almost dropped the urn, but hands came down very quickly and caught it as I gasped. I took it back and glanced up to see a man standing there, but it was just the bartender. I nodded to him.

“Why are we slowing down?” I asked him and he glanced to the side and out of my window. “We are coming up on the bridge.”

“Oh God,” I said as I pushed past him. I glanced back at him and nodded. “Thank you for…” I looked at the urn and he narrowed his eyes as I raced down the hallway and towards the exit that I had taken with Cody.

I stepped out into the night air and the wind blew my hair up around my face. I climbed up the steps and then struggled to get on top of the train without falling or dropping the urn. Then I stood up and regained my balance, as the train was moving at a snail’s pace and coming up on the bridge. I walked forward and almost fell again, but then I felt a hand to my arm and stood up as I saw Cody standing there, looking at me as compassionate as he ever had. He eyed the urn that I held close to my chest and then let his eyes settle back onto my own.

“Jasmine.”

I nodded to him and then eyed the bridge in the distance. He continued to speak to me, “Let me help you.”

“What are you? I know you saw Jess, just like I did and she is….” I asked as the wind continued to whip my hair around on my head.

“Dead, I know that she is,” he said as he looked down and then back up at me.
The moonlight playing off of his beautiful skin.

“How, how did you see her? I mean, were you just amusing me or was she really there?”

He turned and started to walk away from me. I followed, careful to not trip and fall. The last thing I wanted was to die and take my dad’s ashes with me. I was sure I had caused my mom enough heartache. Cody stopped and turned back to me and then looked up towards the stars.

“She loved you, Jasmine. You made her happy, as you make me happy. The spirit lingers when those we love cannot really let us go.”

“Us?” My expression changed to confusion as we reached the bridge and Cody stared up at the night sky.

“I can’t remember the last time I really saw the stars. They are so beautiful.”

“What? What do you mean?” I asked him.

“In 1988 I was on this train. I had been drinking, a lot. I never got over the death of my parents and my brother wouldn’t let me forget it. He blamed me, as I blamed myself, for distracting my dad that day, I know I was just a kid, but I should have left him alone and not asked him a million questions. He turned to answer me and that is when…well, like I told you before, I didn’t remember what happened after that. I woke up and all I had left was a brother who despised me for costing us the only people who made us feel safe in the world. After that, I saw them almost every day,” he paused and looked out over the water. “They came to me, talked to me…I made the mistake of telling my brother about it and he told our aunt. After that, it was all therapy and pills, I was almost institutionalized at one point, but then I stopped telling them that I could see them and, eventually, I couldn’t anymore. I lied to myself and it wasn’t fair to them at all. All they wanted to do was protect me, but they were trapped here until I released them.” Then he turned back to me. “Then one night, I drank too much and I came up here and as we crossed this bridge I slipped and fell, Jasmine. They never recovered my body. So I woke up on this train, alone and it took me years to get anyone to see me. The bartender was the first one, and then a little girl a few years ago, but it wasn’t until you saw me that I reached out and took your hand, and you could feel me. I knew then that you would be the only one who could set me free. Only you.”

I sucked in my breath as I stepped back from him. “No, no…that can’t be true, it can’t. I see you, I see you Cody, I felt you against me. My mom saw you, my sisters, they all saw you.”

He quickly stepped up to me and cupped my face in his hands. “I know you see me, I know you do. I know they could see me, too. You let me leave this train after years of being bound to it. You let me walk along side you as if I was living
again and I can tell you that the few days I had with you were the best days of my life. The very best and thank you, thank you for finding me. I am a guardian, a guardian angel, who was never allowed to leave this world.”

I closed my eyes and started to sob, I shook my head and he nodded to me, forcing my face upward so I would have to look at him again. “You gave me hope and a reason to leave here happy, happy for the first time in my life.”

“Cody…no. No, you can’t be. I need you, I need you so much….I……I love you.”

He stepped up and held me against his chest as he whispered. “I love you, Jasmine, so much…and thank you. Thank you for the gift of love, I never knew it, I never felt it before, not since my parents died. I hated myself, but not anymore, and you can’t hate yourself, either. You can’t, or he can’t move on, neither can Jess and neither can I.”

Suddenly, Jess appeared next to him and he took her hand as she grinned up at him and turned her face toward me. I stepped forward.

“Jess, I am so sorry. I am.”

She nodded to me and then spoke. Her tone calm and loving. “Jasmine. I never hated you, but it’s time that I go home. We need to go home, all of us do.”

Cody stepped back as he held Jess’s hand tightly in his own. They both started to fade as I felt my love for them setting them free. I shook my head and he glanced at the urn in my arms. “Set us free, Jasmine, please…
.please. Return us to the stars where we belong. You will always feel me, right here next to you.” He touched his own chest and placed a hand to his heart.

I looked down as I stared at the urn and then took the lid off as the train started to move again. I turned and tipped the jar as my dad’s ashes floated out and into the wind, the moonlight making them sparkle like stardust. I turned and Cody grinned and so did Jess. They both looked upward as they faded from my view. I bit my lip and then wiped my cheek, as his grin was the last thing I saw on his beautiful face. That and the words he mouthed to me…”Thank you.”