Stardust (8 page)

Chapter Seven

Charlie

When I was little, I had a puppy. I had begged for one. Begged, and anyone who has been around children when they are hell bent on getting something, knows exactly how it can be. Children chip away at will and sanity when they really want to get something, and I wanted that puppy bad.

I did the good grades, the chores…all of it. I worked really hard to convince my parents that I was mature enough to care for another being. So, after weeks of trying, crying, writing notes and resorting to begging…they gave in and I got him. I got Charlie.

Charlie was a good dog, saved from the local pound, obviously dropped off in a litter and if I had any real skill I would have saved all five, but I didn’t know that saving Charlie was actually not the best thing that could have happened for him. How could I? I was a kid.

So we brought Charlie home and at first, it was awesome. He barked and played, won the family over with his big brown eyes and floppy tail. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me…which is something a child says when they have no real experience in life. I know this now, I didn’t then.

Then one day, I got up and decided that Charlie and I would go on an adventure. I packed water and bologna sandwiches in my little backpack and I headed out early. I didn’t ask, I didn’t leave a
note, I just left…and took him with me. I headed to the train station and there I decided to walk the tracks. I didn’t have any money so I couldn’t exactly take a train ride with Charlie. I just wanted to spend the day going farther than I had ever gone before. So, about an hour in, I had to stop and eat and I shared my food with Charlie and gave him water to make sure he was as good to go as I was. I talked to him about everything and I will never forget how he looked at me. His eyes wide as if he could understand every word and maybe he did, who knows, right?

We continued on until we reached a bridge. It was old but sturdy and I stood there with Charlie by my side as we stared across it. I leaned up and looked at the water below. To a child, it was bigger than anything I had ever seen before. Charlie started to bark and I looked across the tracks as I saw a white rabbit standing there. Now Charlie was a hound, a beagle, and before I could stop him.
he started to run across the tracks, over the bridge and towards that white rabbit. I called out to him but I had to set my fear aside and follow him as quickly as I could. The wood creaked under me as I picked up speed and then I heard it, the train whistle coming from in front of us. There was no way I could have known, one…I was a child and it did not occur to me, and two…the tracks curved and went into the side of a mountain that they had burrowed out for it.

I stopped and called out to Charlie but he ignored me as his excitement to catch that rabbit was all that he could think about. I turned and started to run as I could hear the train getting louder behind me, it was barreling through the tunnel now and I knew it as the whistle echoed as if it was in a vacuum. I reached the end and jumped to the side into the tall grass as I looked back and saw Charlie standing there, wagging his tail and staring at me. I waved to him and called out, but the approaching train drowned me out. He turned just as the train hit the bridge and I buried my face in my
hands as I could not watch. I was blown back into the tall grass as the train barreled by me. The force of it making it hard for me to stand up, but after it passed, I slowly stepped out and onto the train tracks to see a small body lying there, it was Charlie.

I ran to him and he looked as if he was simply sleeping, I pressed my small hand to his side and shook him, but he didn’t move and his body lay still. I picked him up and cradled him as I walked all the way back home and then sat down on my porch steps. My parents came running out and there they found me, tear
stained cheeks and glossy eyes, Charlie in my arms and they must have decided to take mercy on me. My dad leaned down and nodded to me as he wiped a tear from my cheek. He then took Charlie and I stood up and ran to my mom, hugging her waist as she watched him walk down the steps and around the back. She touched my hair and then lifted my chin as I sobbed.

“It was my fault,” I said in a small voice, hiccupping as children do when they cry uncontrollably. She leaned down to her knees and cupped my face in her hands.

“You would never do something like that, Jasmine.”

I nodded and stared into her eyes. “If I had not picked him, he would be happy and alive someplace else.”

“Honey, you can’t avoid being happy because you fear losing someone.”

I closed my eyes and hugged her.

I stood in my window, with my black dress on, and stared at the large tree that sat between the two that housed the tree houses. That was where Charlie was buried, by my dad with a small ceremony by me. I remember sitting out there often, talking to Charlie and telling him about my day. I don’t think I ever forgave myself for his death, but I do know that the last moments of his life he was staring at me and wagging his tail. He was happy and he trusted me, and I let him down.

I heard a tap to my door and turned to see Cody standing there with his backpack slung over one shoulder and I could not help but think about him as I had about Charlie. If I told Cody to stay, would I fail him too? Funny how something that happened so long ago still stopped me from doing things I wanted to do. He stepped in and looked me over as I turned towards him. He looked tired, as if he had slept very little the night before. We had returned to the house and I said nothing to him during dinner and quickly went to my room afterward to avoid talking to him. I knew he had gone to his room too, as I saw him walk by my door and pause, but what was there to say? I had basically blown him off after we…well, you know. I just didn’t want him to feel as if he was obligated to me or to anything. He had happened to come into my life just as I needed him and it did not mean that it was forever, although my heart would say otherwise.

His eyes lowered and then he glanced at the window and back to me.

“There is a train leaving today, I figured…” he paused to allow me to speak, but all I did was nod to him and he didn’t go any further with it. “Okay then, I…”

I stepped towards him and his eyes settled onto mine. I wanted to say so many things to him, so many things that I had never said to anyone in my life…but, then it came out before I could stop it.

“I am glad that we met, I am.”

He paused, his expression saying more than his words could. I know that was not what he wanted and trust me, I wished I could change myself and make it easier but I couldn’t.

“Me too, Jazz, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing about it. Except maybe…”

I narrowed my eyes and kept them on him as he smiled, “What?”

“To have been with you longer.”

I touched my neck and fingered at my silver heart necklace, he grinned and decided to not take us to that place I could not go.

“I’m sorry.”

He held his hand up to me and then lowered it. He stepped up and hugged me, but it was awkward, for both of us. I knew I had already damaged whatever we had going on and perhaps the regret of it would sink in after the fact, after the funeral…after all of it. I couldn’t tell right now. All I did know was that he still made me feel something and it would linger on me as long as I let it.

He backed up and grinned at me, then touched my cheek with the back of his hand and, for a moment, I wanted to hug him and tell him that I thought maybe…I mean, perhaps…
.I sorta felt love for him, a love that was growing, but I had no idea how to handle it and the fear, that old monster in my closet was still lurking in the shadows. He turned and walked to my door as I crossed my arms and watched him. I shifted from one foot to the other and parted my lips to say something, but he turned back and nodded to me.

“Maybe someday you can let someone love you, I am sorry you wouldn’t let it be me.”

“Don’t do that to me, Cody,” I said quietly.

“Do what? Say the truth?”

I walked to my window and put my back to him. “Guilt me, I get it.”

Cody sighed. “I am not trying to guilt you, I am just being honest with you, I’m sorry no one ever has been before.”

I turned to him. “Seriously?”

“What?” he said as he dropped his backpack to the floor and stared me down.

“Is this really how you want it to end?” I asked as he crossed his arms on his chest.

“I am not the one pushing you away, Jasmine.”

I swallowed hard and fought the urge to just be rude to him. “This isn’t the day to do this.”

He laughed. “Then what day? What moment would you rather me choose to fight for something I want? I mean, why am I the only one fighting here?”

“This isn’t a fight, there is nothing to fight about at all,” I said as my voice got louder.

“Really? So what is this, exactly?
I mean, I am confused.”

I looked down at my dress and then back up at him. “I have lost enough in my life.”

He shook his head. “So what? Everyone loses people that they love, it should never stop you from letting people…letting people love you, and I…”

“Don’t…don’t do that, Cody.”

He stepped towards me and I stepped back. He stopped and looked around my room. “I hated the 80’s.”

I laughed, but it sounded sharp, as if I was offended. “Oh really?”

“Yes…really,” he added as he looked into my eyes.

“Well, I didn’t…I loved it. I loved the music and the clothing and the…”

“The what? It was lame,” he added.

I rolled my eyes. “Was not!”

“Was too…I mean, look at them!” he waved his hand to the wall and then back to himself. “Who looks cooler?”

I tapped one foot on the floor as his insults kept eating at me. “You are entitled to your opinion.”

He grinned and walked towards me. “Am I? Am I entitled to that? Well, thank you so much, Jasmine, I appreciate that…at least I get one thing from you.”

I looked towards my window to avoid looking at his pretty face. He stopped only a foot from me and I refused to look at him. “I think you are being ridiculous.” I muttered to
him as he looked me over.

“Really, how ridiculous?”

I shook my head and tried to move but he moved with me. As I stepped back the other way he did too. “Don’t do that.”

He tilted his head. “Do what?”

“You know what you are doing, you are being all charming and I don’t…”

He stepped up and placed a hand to my face as I closed my eyes. “Jazz…please.” He whispered. I took a slow breath as I felt his other hand slide to my back and pull me closer to him.

Then I did it, the one thing I shouldn’t do. I shut him out. I looked into his eyes and my poison seeped out of me as it had done many times before, when fear served me better than the thought of happiness.

“Did you ever think that maybe I just don’t want this?”

He looked at me and his expression was one of hurt. He paused and then stepped back, taking his hand from my face. “Okay, I hear you. I do,” he said as he turned and I followed him for a second and then stopped as I rolled my eyes and rubbed the side of neck.

“God, I am so stupid,” I said out loud as I decided to pursue him.

I ran down the hallway and to the top of the stairs, Cody was already down them, blowing past Violet and my mom. I ran as fast as I could and stopped at the base of the steps as Cody stopped out my front door and then turned back to me.

“Maybe someday you will let someone love you, maybe even yourself, because you don’t, Jasmine, you don’t love yourself at all and I think it’s sad. It is the saddest story ever told.”

I parted my lips to speak, but his words sank deep into my chest. It hurt me to hear them and to know that he was right, every word of it was spot on. I had hidden away for so long that I was incapable of loving anyone, especially myself, especially now. Today, of all days. My mom turned to look at me, but my eyes were locked onto to Violet who slowly turned, with that smug look on her face.

“Well, that is a shock.”

“You are a horrible person,” I muttered to her as Violet raised an eyebrow and looked me over.

“Me?”

I took a step towards her as my mom eyed me. “Yes, you, Violet. You miserable bitch.”

“Jasmine,” my mom said, her tone was sharp and sliced through the air. Violet took a step towards me.

“You are the miserable one, running away from home, causing trouble whenever you could, doing disgusting things with Jess.”

“Oh! I knew it! You bigoted asshole!”

She laughed, but it was more of a “how dare you” burst of sound into the room as she touched her chest. She acted as if I was insane and completely in the wrong.

“I am not a bigot,” she said to me as my other sisters stared on and did not say a word.

I nodded to her. “You are and not only that, you are jealous. You are jealous of anyone who even remotely comes close to happiness because you were never happy, you were such a miserable bitch when we were growing up and you are a miserable bitch now, Violet, no wonder you are getting a divorce.”