Stardust (3 page)

He cleared his throat. “I had panic attacks up until I was seventeen and then they stopped.” His eyes lingered on me as I tried to accept that he noticed. I sipped at my drink and didn’t say a word.

He leaned up and interlocked his fingers on the table and I saw his hands, they looked soft, unlike my dad’s, which were dry and cracked from years of manual labor.

“You got pale, sweaty. Rubbing at your chest and now you have a red spot. I am not psychic, I just know the signs,” he added.

I glanced down and saw the redness on my skin. I adjusted my shirt and covered it up from him as I took the rest of my drink in one large gulp. He leaned back and watched me as if he cared, and maybe he did. Some people are able to care about anyone for any reason. Of course, then again, he could be a sociopath and simply takes on the traits of others and his empathy for plight is heightened. I need to stop over-analyzing it right out of the gate, did I mention I suck at relationships? I do, this is one of the reasons why.

I took one deep breath and stared into his eyes. “Okay, I have them, but not that often,” I muttered as the alcohol started to relax me. I figure lying is futile at this point. He obviously notices details.

His eyes remained soft, his tone even, and he sounded like an old friend. To be honest, it was a blessing, I needed comforting and someone to keep me from freaking out. “There is nothing to be embarrassed about, Jazz.”

“I am not embarrassed,” I said as I looked out the window and he remained calm as he had the whole time.

Then he spoke again as he fingered at his drink. “When I was five, I was in a car accident with my parents and my brother. My parents died, my brother and I lived.”

“Oh my God…I am… I am so sorry.” I said as he shrugged his shoulder and looked towards the bar. He nodded to the bartender and the man started to make a new drink for him. I looked at the bar, too, and Cody spoke up.

He held two fingers up to the man. “Make it two, please.”

The bartender nodded and I sighed, looking at my empty glass as Cody finished off his.

“I just can’t imagine going through that, I am so sorry.”

“I can’t imagine it, either,” he said to me and I shook my head slightly and narrowed my eyes as it confused me.

He then looked at the bartender as he brought two new drinks over to us and sat them down on the table. Cody handed him a credit card and told him to keep it on tab. I shook my head ‘no’ and Cody held up his hand to me.

“Are you always this difficult?” he asked.

I smiled and allowed the bartender to take his card.

“I thought you said you had no money?” He laughed under his breath.

“Credit cards only. It’s not real money, just borrowed.”

“True,” I said as he looked back towards the window and took a drink.

I studied his tight jawline. “So you said you cannot imagine it, what do you mean by that? I mean, a car accident is a horrible thing to live through and…well, how do you not know?”

He kept his eyes on the scenery going by the window.

“I don’t remember anything about that day, nothing at all.”

I watched him very closely as he took yet another drink and then hissed as it burned his throat going down. I stared at mine and he looked at me.

His eyes narrowed and his grin returned, “Don’t.”

I leaned back and stared into his eyes, “Don’t what?”

He grinned and placed his arm up on the back of his booth in a relaxed manner.

“Pity me, I am totally fine. I can see it on your face, you feel sorry for me and there is no need to. I am just telling you this so you can relax and understand that I am damaged too.”

I shook my head ‘no’. “I did not pity you in any way. I just, I mean, I think it is probably best that you don’t remember it and I am not damaged, I mean, I may be a little bit, but I never meant for you to take it as I thought you are damaged in any way.”

He turned his head and moved his hair and I saw the scar on his scalp. It was white and ran about two inches in length. “Look,” he said, completely ignoring my sudden defensive position.

“Ouch.” I whispered.

He looked back at me and spoke as if it was every day and nothing to be alarmed by. “Yeah, I slammed my head into the side window, busted the glass and was thrown from the car.”

I fingered at the base of my neck as the thought of it disturbed me. To think of a child going through that was horrifying. “Oh my God.”

He pointed at me. “See, it is that look, right there.” He stared at me and laughed.

I stopped messing with my skin and lowered my hand to my lap. “What?”

“The ‘Oh my God’ tone, I am fine, I am, Jazz. In fact, it was somewhat of a blessing to be shielded from it. I mean, who would want to remember something like that any way?”

I shook my head and decided to explain myself. “Listen, I am just reacting like any normal human being would to something like that. It was a terrible accident; you got hurt and your parents…”

He interrupted me and said what I did not want to. “Died.”

I sighed and fingered at my glass on the table, “Yes, that. The dying thing.”

He leaned up. “Who died in your life, Jazz?” I parted my lips and almost said it as his words beckoned me to give into him. To just lay it all out for this attractive stranger right here and now. I felt the train starting to slow. I looked at the bartender who stared out the window.

“Are we stopping?” I asked him.

He dried the glass in his hand and set it down. “No, we slow down as we go over the long Bayberry Bridge. I think they do it for the tourists on the train. Gives everyone a better view of the valley,” he said.

Cody leaned towards me from across the table and grinned. “Do you want to see something cool?” he whispered as his left eyebrow rose a little bit. His expression tainting me into saying yes.

I raised an eyebrow and he stood up, extending his hand to me. I took it and he pulled me out of the booth.  I looked back at the bartender as he nodded to me.

“Come with me,” Cody said as he started to walk, my hand in his and me feeling a bit awkward. I had never had someone I just met take my hand and lead me anywhere, but I guess there is a first for everything. He just seems to be so comfortable in his own skin and a chameleon of sorts. I bet he could adapt to anyone or any situation very easily. I envied that in him, as I would guess most people would. It is true freedom to not be bound to insecurity and the opinions of others around you.

We stepped through one car and then another. Passing my room and then ending up at the end of the train. He pulled out a card and jimmied the door open and the wind blew in, cold and refreshing for a second. He stepped through, his hair blowing up around his face with his hand outstretched towards me. I took a breath and tried to remember the girl I once was, the tomboy with no fear. I shed my reservations and reached out, taking his hand and stepping out onto the platform. He slid the door closed behind me as he leaned up and I found myself close to his chest once again. The heat coming off of him countered the chill in the air. He backed up and looked me over, his expression telling me that he was happy that I did this with him without question.

“Come on,” he said loudly as he pulled me to a ladder and placed me in front of him. I started to climb after I looked back at him and he nodded. I stared up as I climbed, remembering the first time I had climbed my treehouse. It was frightening, but I did it anyway. That time, my dad had been behind me, making me feel safer. This time, Cody was and I know I really have no idea who he is, but sometimes a stranger can be a guardian angel. Someone who can make you instantly feel better no matter what is going on. I kind of felt like that with him and whether it was the grief, the alcohol settling in, or my old ways, I didn’t care. It felt good to just let go again.

I reached the top and climbed onto the roof of the train. The wind was daunting and I felt as if I would slide off, but just as fear started to set in, he joined me. I felt his arm around my waist and he turned me and sat behind me. He took the brunt of the wind as I sat in front of him and looked out into the skyline. The sun was starting to set and the brilliant colors of pink and blue lingered behind. The chill in the air seemed to fade as his chest rested against my back. The sun broke one last time through the clouded sky and I closed my eyes as everything lit up in a gold hue.

Cody wrapped his arms around me and for one moment, we sat there, not as two strangers, but as two souls sharing something very special together. There was nothing awkward about it and with that, I leaned back and he held me. I grinned as the sun continued to light both of our faces up and no words were needed, I mean, to be quite honest, they would have just ruined the moment. Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen. Listen to life and the beauty all around you.

Chapter Two

Misunderstanding

“Oh crap,” I muttered as I rolled over and saw him lying in my bed.  I pushed my blonde hair out of my bloodshot eyes and stared at him. His hair was fine, he looked peaceful and my head was aching with the five drinks I had downed. The train swayed and so did my stomach as a bottle rolled across the floor and hit the wall. I slid out and saw it. It was wine. So not only had I drank liquor, but I brought him back here with a bottle of wine. Just fabulous, and so not like me. Do not get me wrong, I am certainly NOT a prude, but having sex with complete strangers, whether I liked them or not, was not my style. I knew better. It could be messy and I am not one for messes, I prefer nice and simple, except for my clothing.

I stood up and stumbled as I started to walk towards my small bathroom. I reached for the door and heard his voice. I closed my eyes, sighing, as I had to turn around and face him.

“Good morning,” he said.

I grimaced and hesitated for a few seconds. I mustered up the courage to face him. I turned and half smiled. It was awkward, I know that it was. It felt awkward and I felt stupid for allowing this to happen.

I nodded as if I didn’t know him at all. “Good morning,” the tone of my voice sterile, even to my own ears.

He ignored it and sat up. “Well, I guess I should get up. I am sure they have breakfast ready.”

I crossed my arms on my chest and he stood up and looked at me. He started to button his shirt up as I tried to ignore his chest that was all muscular and enticing.

“You go ahead, I am not hungry. I just don’t eat this early…not usually.”

He continued on as if we were now a couple, or at least it felt that way. “I can go and bring something back for you, Jazz.”

“No, really. It’s no big deal,” I said as my voice sounded colder than I meant for it to. I shook my head ‘no’ as he sat down and slid one shoe on then the other. I watched him until he stood up and rubbed his hands through his hair. He stepped towards me and I stepped back. He stopped and looked me over.

“You look really good in the morning.”

I sighed and then looked down, suddenly realizing that I was in my underwear.

“Oh…my…
.God,” I said as I looked back up at him.

He smiled and walked to the door. He then stopped and turned back to me. “Thank you,” he said softly as I watched him go.

I ran into the bathroom and threw up, as I could not hold it back any longer. I stood up and stared into the mirror. I looked horrid so his comment was pity, the exact pity he had told me to avoid with him. I closed my eyes as I gripped the sides of the small sink.

“Unbelievable,” I whispered as I ran the water in the sink. I reached in and scooped water into my mouth and spit it back out. I started the shower up, letting
the hot water steam the small room up until my reflection was gone and I was not forced to look at myself any longer. As if I even know who I am right now.

****

I sat in the breakfast car and sipped my coffee, strong and unrelenting, just as I needed. The bitter taste on my tongue almost felt like I deserved it. I heard the door slide open and glanced behind me to see Cody coming in. He looked as if he had showered too. I guess he just could not come straight down here, but I wished that he had. Not to be rude, but seeing him was not what I really wanted. I adjusted my sunglasses on my face and turned back in my seat, not willing to even invite him over, but when he slid in across from me I was forced to deal with it.

“Did you eat?” he asked me and I shook my head ‘no’ and took a drink of my coffee. Each sip was getting me closer to feeling normal again. I needed to sober up. I needed to get back to reality and not some romantic encounter with a guy who happened to be on the same train as I was.
So ridiculous.

“You know, they say that if you skip breakfast you just set yourself up for failure.”

I smiled and raised an eyebrow as I set my cup down and the coffee moved in it with the vibration of the train. I cleared my throat. “I drink coffee in the morning, and then I eat lunch and dinner, I never do breakfast and I rarely deal with failure.”

He bit his bottom lip and continued on. “Well you look thin,” he said as his plate showed up and it was full of pancakes and eggs. A side of three pieces of bacon took up what little room was left on the plate.

I smelled it and my stomach growled, but I played it off. I really don’t do breakfast that often, I guess saying ‘never’ was a white lie.

“Oh really?” I asked him and he grinned as he took a big bite of his pancakes.

“Well, you are just small, I guess.”

I took my sunglasses off and squinted as the light in the car did me no favors. He glanced up at me and snickered. They were bloodshot and dark circles sat under them.

“So are you implying that I have a eating disorder now?”

He stopped chewing and leaned forward. “Do you?” he muttered and I rolled my eyes.

“No, I do not,” I said quietly.

“You are so grumpy in the morning, it is kind of cute.”

I sighed and put my sunglasses back on, “Listen, last night was…” I picked up my coffee.

He stopped chewing and sat back, wiping his lips with his napkin and then taking a drink of his orange juice. I watched him closely and felt like an ass. It had been the two of us, not one. I had no right to be such a shit about things.

“Last night was great,” he said as he watched me.

I bit my bottom lip for a split second and then stood up. He reached out and touched my wrist, but I pulled from him and left the car. I can’t do this. I know I should say more and be a bigger person, but I am emotionally compromised right now. I cannot think of any other way to explain why I would even consider doing something like…well, you know, I guess what pisses me off the most is that I cannot even remember it. He is so pretty and if I am going to torture myself with it then I would love to at least know how it felt to be with him.

“Jazz,” he called out to me as I left him there. I kept walking even though everything in me wanted to stop and just go back and devour his plate of food. So much for not being “drama” like my mom and sisters. Perhaps I was more like them than I ever knew.

***

I sat in my room and stared out the window as the scenery started to become more familiar. I leaned up and looked out across the hillside. It was beautiful and packed with trees changing colors. It was pulling out of Summer and into Fall. Nothing was as beautiful as the seasons changing in Pennsylvania. Not to me, anyway. I did not leave because I hated it here, I left because I had always dreamed of living in New York and when the opportunity presented itself, I took it. I had gone to college there for writing and, luckily, I landed a job at the New York Times, just working as an assistant on small articles, but still, baby steps. I was grateful and although my dad was excited when I told him on the phone, his pause told me that he missed me and I appreciated being missed by someone. My sisters were too busy with their families and kids. My mom was enjoying being a grandmother and I was just wanting to carve a small space out for myself, and maybe stop being referred to as the ‘youngest’ or the ‘baby’.

The train went on for another hour or so as I listened to my music, my earbuds drowning out any noise.  I leaned back and watched the trees, as they became thicker and thicker and knew that I was coming home. I had not been here in a year and bad weather had ruined Christmas. I felt bad for that, I really did. The airports closed with a terrible ice storm and I spent the last Christmas my dad would be alive with a few friends from work. I wanted to come home, but now the weight of missing it was a thousand times worse. I know it is not my fault, but still. If I had known, I would have found a way, but we cannot live in regret. He always told me that and I have to believe it. He knew that I loved him, he knew. In fact, he was the ONLY person in the house that I never had a fight with. That says it all right there.

The train started to slow down and I sighed as I pulled my earbuds out. I knew it would not be easy and I could only hope that my sisters would give me a break, but who am I kidding? I had not been home for a year and now, well, this would not be a happy reunion. Not by a long shot.  I stood up and grabbed my suitcase as the train slowed and then stopped at the station I always loved.  It was located in the heart of Stillcreek and was really the reason our town had survived when so many others fell to economic ruin. Trust me, there are plenty of people who love the idea of coming to a “small town” and hitting a bed and breakfast. Most of our visitors came from New York, they were nice enough and just wanted to get away from the city. Stillcreek would provide that in abundance with the rows of townhouse-style homes, lush hillsides and abundant forests. It looked like it was taken from a postcard. We lived on the “old side” of town, the area that had the vintage homes. Ours was from the 1800’s and I loved it, even on storm-filled, spooky nights it enchanted me. I don’t think anything was as fun as scaring the shit out of my sisters and getting them screaming through the house. I can’t say that my mom agreed, but Dad always laughed under his breath. I then spotted Poppy and Violet from my window. I think out of all of them, they were the quickest to annoy me. I sighed and gripped my suitcase in one hand as I decided to just suck it up and go. I mean, they have to be softened by what has happened. At least I can hope that they were.

I stepped out of my room and saw the people in the hallway. I moved down the hallway and past a couple kissing as I turned my head. I pushed on and then
he stepped out and I once again found myself face to face with Cody’s chest. I looked up and half-grinned at him as he smiled back at me.

“This is your stop, right?” he asked me and I nodded to him. He sighed and stared down at me, “I can walk you to the exit.”

“Okay, I would like that,” I said as I suddenly felt like having him do that would help me actually get off of the train. I stopped when I saw the door and he reached out and opened it up for me, but that was not my intention at all. I didn’t expect him to do anything like that. I stood there and gripped my suitcase until my knuckles turned white. I was frozen in place, emotionally and physically. I blinked as I felt him take it from me and step out. He reached his hand up towards me and I took it. I stepped off of the train and was immediately smacked in the face with the familiar smells of Stillcreek. It smells like a bakery here, fresh breads and pastries and my stomach growled as he grinned. I looked past him and spotted Poppy and Violet as they whispered to each other and then started to head my way. They both examined Cody with their eyes, I was mortified, if they found out that I had…it would be a disaster of epic proportions. News traveled faster with them than with the internet. I stood there as Cody narrowed his eyes and studied my facial expression, which must have told him everything.

“You okay?” he whispered to me.
His eyes soft and caring.

I swallowed hard and then they reached us as Cody turned and smiled at the two of them. Poppy reached out and touched my hair as Violet stared at Cody.

“What have you done?”

“I cut my hair, people do that.”

“Mmm,” she said as she pulled her hand back and looked it over. “It is short and you killed it with the bleach. Did you pick up that conditioner I told you about?” I shook my head ‘no’ and she went on. “You need it, it looks horrible.”

“This is Cody, Cody Baker.” I said without hesitation.

I sighed and Violet extended her hand to Cody.

“I am Jasmine’s older sister, Violet, and you are?”

“I said…” she glanced at me and then back to him.

Cody smiled and took her hand, immediately kissing it and she was impressed. She was strange sometimes about things and old school stuff impressed her the most. You would think she was born in the wrong century.

She grinned as Cody let her hand go and continued to smile.

“Cody Baker,” he said as Poppy stepped in and looked him over.

“You did not tell us you had a boyfriend, Jasmine.”

“I…” I started to say. Cody interrupted me before I could explain anything.

“Well, it was supposed to be a surprise.” He glanced at me and he looked as if he was so enjoying this. “Jazz was going to bring me home before now, but my work keeps me busy.” I raised an eyebrow and stared at him, totally shocked as the words just flowed from him, as if they were truth.

“And what work do you do?” Violet asked him without any hesitation.

“I run a company, I mean, it was my father's, it was left to me, investments and business, I am sure it would bore you.”

“I never get bored about money,” Poppy said as I rolled my eyes and then cleared my throat. They both looked at me and I looked behind them.

“Well, Mama wanted us to meet you here and drive you home.”

I spoke before I worried about how they would react. “I want to walk,” I said as quickly as they offered. Violet crossed her arms on her chest and Cody placed his arm around me.