Starting Fires (26 page)

“Everything going good?” I asked.

“Yeah. We repaired the shed and fixed one of the windows. Tomorrow we’re going to work on the roof.”

I tried to imagine where he was and pictured a cabin in the woods, the inside all wood paneling and pictures of deer or other game along the walls. “I’ve never been to your dad’s cabin,” I said. “What’s it like?”

“You wanna come see it one day?” he asked and I could hear the smile in his voice.

I’d go anywhere with you
. “I’d love to. You should take me.”

“Not anytime soon, baby,” he laughed. “You don’t want to be here right now. Bugs and horrible plumbing. Bad a/c and old stinky sheets. Even I think it’s gross.”

I chuckled. “Speaking of stinky sheets, where do you sleep? Are there lots of rooms or do you have to share?”

“It has two bedrooms. One with a queen, and the other with two bunk beds. I usually sleep on a bunk with a bunch of snoring old men in the room.”

“Sounds wonderful,” I smiled.

“Maybe if you were here with me,” he said, making my stomach tighten.

“Next time I’ll come with you,” I said.

“Next time,” he said, a little sadness in his voice. We were both silent as I tried to determine what was making him so downtrodden. I heard his light sigh, and maybe he heard mine. Before our conversation was over, his father called his name. “I have to go,” he said.

“Alright.”

He didn’t say anything else, and reluctantly, I hung up.

For days it felt like we were avoiding each other even though we weren’t. I was busy. He was busy. I was taking tests. He was running errands. I was working. He was working. I saw him once on Wednesday evening when he came over to borrow a screwdriver. Charles gave it to him and he was gone. I hadn’t gone to see one of their shows in what felt like forever, but I just couldn’t summon the desire. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see Lucas sing or watch Charles beat around on the drums. I was just exhausted, running myself into the ground with school and work. What little time I had left, all I wanted to do was read, or watch TV, or daydream, or fucking sleep.

After I came home from work on Friday, I planned to do at least one or all of those things. I was curling up with my recent book when Wally waltzed into my room. “You coming to the bar tonight?” he asked.

I didn’t want to talk to him. Over the last few weeks, I’d been avoiding him and intended to continue. “No,” I said, not looking at him.

He groaned so long and loud, I thought he might pass out. “What’s wrong?” he asked when finished.

“Go away.”

“No.” He walked to the end of my bed. “What did I do?”

My eyes narrowed. He knew exactly what he did. “What do you think?”

“Not playing this little game with you, babe. Tell me what I did. I’m not gonna stand around guessing.”

“The hotel,” I gritted out.

“What about it?”

“You’re supposed to be my friend, Wally!” I shouted, slapping the mattress. “Why would you do that?” I took a breath and sat back, shocked that I’d exploded.

“You aren’t dating,” he shrugged. “Remember. You said you didn’t care.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“So, you do care?”

“Go away,” I told him again, feeling exhausted.

He walked around my bed and sat down next to me. “It’s okay, you know. To feel something more. To want something more. Why are you fighting it so hard?”

As I looked at him, I couldn’t hide the sadness on my face. “Why did you bring those girls there that night?”

He sighed, much more softly this time. “Because I’m an asshole,” he said. “I wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself. Lucas didn’t know I was doing it. And he didn’t ask me to.”

But if I hadn’t been there, would he have wanted him to? “I’m tired,” I said, not trusting opening up to Wally—afraid that he would run straight to Lucas and tell him everything. “Maybe I’ll go next week.”

He stared at me, and began rubbing the back of his knuckles along his chin and jaw, as if he was nervous. “I’m sorry, Marlowe,” he said quietly. “Can you, uh, forgive me?”

I considered not forgiving him, but his eyes were so sincere. “I can forgive you,” I said with a sigh.

He smiled and reached across the bed, pulling me into a hug. My arms wrapped around his slender torso and I squeezed. “I still think you’re perfect for him,” he whispered just before letting me go and walking out of the room.

The next morning, Paul texted me wanting to know if I could meet him for lunch. He made it clear that it would only be the two of us. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew it was possible that Paul might have a crush on me. He hadn’t said or done anything to suggest it, but when two people were alone as often as we were, and especially when one was dealing with a recent break up, it could happen. And probably
did
happen all the time.

But he knew how deep I was into Lucas. I never even had to tell him, he could see it in my expressions and the way I talked about him. It might have been selfish, but being around him made me forget about my aching heart for a little while. He was the one person I knew that held no ties to Lucas. They’d never met. Or even spoken. It was the only part of my life that he didn’t touch. And I liked it. So I agreed.

He asked me to meet him at a restaurant that I’d never heard of before. I didn’t even recognize the street names. On my computer, I looked up the address and left at 11:30, texting Lucas that I’d be at the bar around 1.

He didn’t respond. As I drove, I kept checking my phone to see if he’d sent me anything, but there was nothing. About ten minutes later, I pulled into a home department store, my GPS telling me that I had reached the restaurant. I looked around the parking lot. There was no restaurant. Anywhere.

I sighed and pulled out my phone to call Paul. When he answered, I said, “I have no clue where I’m going. My GPS is telling me that I’m there, but I’m at some wannabe Home Depot.”

“Hmmm…” Paul said. “Do you know where that old Catholic church is on Green? What’s the name? Saint… Saint something.”

“No,” I said.

“Okay, well what about the skate rink of Hanover?”

“No,” I said again.

Paul chuckled. “Do you know where anything is?”

“Probably not,” I smiled.

“Tell me where you are, and I’ll meet you.” He knew exactly where my GPS had taken me, and pulled into the parking lot within a few minutes. When his car was next to mine, he rolled down his passenger window. “Get in,” he said. “I’ll bring you back by when we’re done.” I grabbed my purse and hopped into his Honda Accord. “Thanks for coming,” he said. “I really had to leave the house, and I didn’t want to go somewhere by myself. Again. You know how depressing eating alone can be?”

“I have an idea,” I said. Through the course of my life, I’d eaten many meals alone.

The restaurant he took me to barely even looked as if it could be called that. The outside was old and ratty. Inside, the tables had seen better days. Every chair was wobbly or the seat was cracked. I looked at Paul as if he was crazy. “Give it a chance,” he said with a grin.

“If you say so.”

The food was amazing, and I felt bad for judging the place on its looks. As we were finishing, Paul asked, “Do you know anyone who’s single? You don’t count. As much as you like to say ‘
It’s complicated
’ we know the truth.” Smiling, I shook my head. “Listen, I don’t care what they look like or where they are from. Race? Religion? Fuck it. I just don’t want to be alone anymore.”

It was hard not to feel bad for him. I liked being around Paul. Why did no one else see his appeal? “I have some friends. Lacey and Nicole. They are a little on the wild side, and to be honest I have no idea if they’re with anyone or not, but I’ll ask.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry for whining about it, but God I just want someone.”

“Why?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“We all need
someone
, Marlowe,” he said.

“Do we?” Given my situation, I was beginning to wish that wasn’t the case.

“Yes,” he smiled. “Someone to share things with. The happy moments. The bad ones. The triumphs and failures. All of the good, all of the horrible. Because if we don’t, then what’s the whole point? What are we doing it all for? Are we sharing it only with ourselves? That’s not very fulfilling. I want… No, need someone in my life that saw it all with me. I shared it with them. We shared it with each other. I thought Marjorie was going to be that. We got along great and I felt like she really saw me. You know what I mean? When she looked at me, it felt like she was
seeing
me. All of me. Now I know she was seeing my brother.”

I reached across the table and squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry,” I said. “You didn’t deserve it.”

“Thanks,” he smiled sadly. “I’m fine. It just sucks.”

“Yeah. It does.” I took my hand away and leaned back in my chair. “You’re terribly romantic. Did you know that?”

Paul shrugged and then insisted on paying for our lunch. On the drive back, I told him that I would talk to Lacey and Nicole and see if they were interested in a blind date. Or maybe I could try to find some way for them to meet. He seemed happy, but not overly enthused, and I had the feeling that he already assumed that they wouldn’t give him a chance.

As I was opening his car door, I turned to him. “You’re great, Paul. If not one of them, someone marvelous will see that.”

He gave me a shy smile, and then knocked his fist lightly against my chin. “Oh, stop it,” he playfully said. “Now get out of my car.” I laughed, and gave him a small wave as I drove away.

It was 1:15 when I made it to the bar. Lucas wasn’t there, but Gwen and a new bartender were. After saying my hello’s I went back to his office. A folded up note was on his desk with my name on it. It read
Marzy, Had to leave early, but will be back tonight to train the new bar-back. Hope to see you. X- Lucas.

Smiling, I stuck the note in my purse and went to work. At five, I was finished, but he hadn’t returned. I went to the bar and decided to wait for him. At six, he still wasn’t there. By seven, the bar-back had arrived, but Lucas hadn’t. I couldn’t wait anymore. I needed to study, shower, and I was hungry again. With a sigh, I walked back to his office and wrote
him
a note.
Lucas, I tried to wait for you, but need to head home. When you get off, come by my house. XO- Marzy.

I even went the extra mile and applied lipstick to leave a kiss on the paper. It ended up looking like a pair of smudged, mutant lips, but he would get the idea.

At 2 a.m., his car still wasn’t in his driveway. I wanted to text him. I wanted to call him. But there was something stopping me. I felt needy, and clingy. Anxious and desperate. All the things I told myself I wouldn’t feel with him. Instead, I turned out my light and tried to sleep.

About 20 minutes later, I heard his Buick pull into his driveway. When his car door slammed, I threw the blankets off me and ran to the window. My fingers pulled apart the blinds and I watched him stand on his lawn, staring at my house. His hands went to his hair and he ran them through it, linking them behind his head.

I realized that he didn’t know if I was awake, and was probably trying to decide if he should disturb me. Quickly, I ran to my light switch and flicked it on. Racing back to the window, I was just in time to see his front door closing.

 

Chapter 24

I
couldn’t take this.
I had to see him. I had to be
alone
with him. We were both too busy, never getting a moment as we used to. Last fall seemed like a lifetime ago. There were no more lazy days where we spent all of our time in bed, or driving around, or watching TV. Spring brought work and responsibilities, with only small moments for us to share. And I was tired of it.

On Tuesday, his car wasn’t in his driveway, and he hadn’t responded to my text message. I assumed that he was at his bar. After changing into jeans, I drove there. A new sign was atop the building. Big, white letters sayings
Burns
flashed white to red. They were busy, per usual. With a sigh, I walked towards the building, doubting that Lucas would have any time for me.

As soon as I was in the door, I saw him racing across the room. A bar towel hung from his back pocket, and a big roll of toilet paper was in his hands. He was on his way to the girls’ bathroom. Behind the bar were Gwen and Kate. A young guy was walking around clearing tables and emptying ashtrays. I knew it was out of necessity that he worked with Gwen now, but it still bothered me. All the late nights and alone time. Alone time that I never had. Part of me felt like she was stealing something from me.

Lucas came back in the room and walked towards the bar. He said something to Gwen that made her nod. After she finished serving her customer, she followed him through the employee only door. My stomach sank. Should I follow them? My feet stayed glued to the floor, and my eyes stayed fixed on the door.

For longer than I was comfortable with, they remained in the back. Lucas returned first, carrying a box. Gwen was behind him with a crate of glasses. He spotted me as he was pushing the box onto the bar, and his brows drew in. The new bar-back came up beside him and started unloading it while Lucas made is way over to me.

“I didn’t know you were coming tonight,” he said.

“I tried texting you. Maybe I should go. You’re busy and I can’t stay late anyway,” I said, looking down to my feet.

“I can spare a minute,” he said, taking my hand. He led me through the bar, pushing open the back door and taking me to his office. He leaned against his desk and brought me between his legs. “It’s good to see you,” he smiled, bringing his hands to my face. We kissed softly, and I clutched his shirt, trying to tell him how much I’d missed him.

“You, too,” I said as he nudged his nose against mine. His crooked nose. When he pulled back, I stared at it then brought my fingers up, lightly touching the bridge. “Did you break it?” I asked.

He smiled and gave me a squeeze. “A long time ago. When I was a kid.” There was so much about him that I didn’t know. I wanted to ask it all right now. “I talked to my dad earlier today,” he said, interrupting my thoughts.

“Yeah? What did he say?” My fingers were rubbing along the collar of his shirt as I stared up at him.

“My family is going on vacation next week. He wanted to know if you could come.”

He
wanted to know. Not Lucas. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t go anyway. “My spring break is coming up, but I still have to work,” I said. “I wish I could though. When are you leaving?”

“Next Wednesday. We’ll be gone for twelve days.”

Twelve days!
“That’s a long time,” I said.

His hands rubbed down my back, stopping to palm the top of my jeans. “I know. We’re going to visit some family in Biloxi before going to Alabama for a week. He rented a house at Lewis-Smith Lake. It’s beautiful. You’d love it.” He worked his lip around before squeezing me again. “Are you sure you can’t come? Even for just a few days?”

“I’ll ask.” My heart swelled with hope. I was only an intern, maybe Mr. Yudeski would give me a week and I could meet them.

Lucas smiled and brought his mouth to my neck. He was gently kissing, making his way up to my ear when Gwen walked into his office. “We need you up front,” she told him. “Two guys look like they’re about to fight.”

“Give me a second,” he said.

“We don’t have a second,” she said and turned on her heel.

Lucas sighed and walked after her. While I was back there, I used the bathroom before coming back into the bar. He wasn’t breaking up a fight. He was by the counter talking to Gwen. She was laughing and smiling up at him adoringly. Her hand went to his back and patted him between the shoulder blades. Why did I do this to myself? I didn’t bother telling him goodbye, and with an aching heart walked out unnoticed.

Mr. Yudeski wouldn’t let me off. He said that since two of his employees were out on maternity leave, he needed the help. What was the point of having an intern if I wanted to be off too? Instead of keeping me with Paul, he moved me into another room. I was alone and went through reports all day. It was extremely boring. By 2 p.m., I couldn’t take it anymore and left. And did the same every day that week. My mid-terms were coming up, and I spent the extra time studying and completing projects.

Saturday, Paul wanted me to meet him for lunch again and I agreed. We were walking along the sidewalk to the restaurant when a girl called his name. He turned over his shoulder. “Oh, shit,” he whispered. A man who looked very similar to Paul, only heavier, and a pretty waif-like woman came up to us. “Hey,” he said nervously. “What are you doing here?”

“Me and Rick were about to get something to eat,” she smiled.

“Do you want to join us?” Rick asked.

“I… uh…”

He was nervous. He didn’t want to eat with them. Was this his brother and his ex? I assumed they were. Hoping I was reading him right, I threaded my arm through his. “Actually,” I said, “We’re going somewhere else. I forgot how sick this place made me a while back. Do you mind, Paul?” I turned to him with a smile.

“Nope,” he said, relieved. “It was good to see you. Both of you,” he told them and we started walking back to our cars.

I left my arm through his. “Is that…”

“Yes.”

Wanting to offer comfort, I hugged him to me. “Let’s go to that sandwich place on Long.”

He agreed, and we drove separately. While we were eating, he asked me about Lacey and Nicole, wondering if I’d mentioned him. I hadn’t. “Oh my gosh,” I said, “I completely forgot about it. But I don’t really think a blind date would be the best set up. Next time we go out, you can meet up with us.”

“Sounds good,” he said. “Thanks by the way.”

“It’s no problem. They’re fun. You’ll like them, even just as friends.”

“Not about that,” he said. “About my brother and ex. That was… uncomfortable.”

“That wasn’t a problem either,” I smiled. He smiled back.

I made it to the bar just after one. Lucas was outside propped against his car. Candace was next to him. I parked across the lot and stared in my rearview mirror, unable to get out. Why was she here? What was he doing talking to her? Her arms were jerking all over the place, and then she moved to stand in front of him, blocking her face from me.

With sweaty palms, I opened my door and made my way towards them with more confidence than I felt. Upon hearing my shoes click along the pavement, she looked over her shoulder and glared. Even though I wanted to glare right back, I kept my face calm, as if her presence didn’t bother me.

I was about ten feet away, when Lucas pushed off his car and took a step towards me. Just one step. “Give me a minute,” he said.

My feet stopped moving and I hesitated. Why did he want a minute with her? I thought they were done. Over. This was beginning to be too much. I couldn’t keep track of all the women that made me feel insecure. Candace. Gwen. Stephanie. Sandra. Even the blonde who gave him her phone number.

My thoughts must have been evident, because he walked the rest of the way and tucked some hair behind my ear. “I’ll be done in just a second,” he whispered sweetly, trying to sound reassuring.

“Okay,” I said and went into the bar.

Instead of agonizing over what they were discussing, I tried to keep my mind occupied by getting to work. After fifteen minutes had passed and he hadn’t come to his office, I couldn’t take it anymore and went to find him.

He was behind the bar, leaning against the back counter, casual and unaffected, typing into his phone. He looked in my direction then brought his eyes back to the screen. After a second, he reached his arm out, asking me to come into his side. I went.

Distracted by his phone, his arm circled around me, rubbing up and down my side as an afterthought. “It’s my dad,” he said. “Asking about our vacation. Did you talk to your boss?”

“Yeah,” I said into his shoulder. “He won’t let me go. Two employees are out on leave and that’s the main reason they need me. He said he can’t give me a week.” I hugged him. “I’m sorry. I really do want to go.”

“It’s okay,” he said, slipping the phone into his pocket. “Next time.” With the distraction gone, he wrapped his arms fully around me and pulled me to stand in front of him. “What did you do today?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I shrugged. “Ate and came here.”

“Eat anything good?”

“A club sandwich. What did Candace want?”

He stared at me, as if he was trying to figure out what to say. My eyes never wavered as I let him work through it. “Nothing,” he finally said. “Just some bullshit.” He kissed me hard then. Holding my face and tilting me backwards. I was breathless and smiling when he finished.

“What was that for?”

“I felt like it,” he grinned. “Now go get those books done,” he smiled, popping me on the behind. I chuckled and walked back to his office.

When I left, I gave him a kiss and told him that I’d see him tomorrow. My first midterm was Monday afternoon and I needed to study. He looked disappointed but understood. For hours, I poured over my textbooks. My head was starting to hurt and my back was killing me. At 9 o’clock, my phone rang and it was a welcomed interruption. The call was coming from the bar. “Hey,” I answered. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” Lucas said, his voice slightly slurred. “Just thinking about you.”

“Me, too,” I said, smiling. “I could use your help again. Did I ever tell you that you were the best study partner I’ve ever had?”

“I wouldn’t be much good right now,” he laughed. “Everybody’s up here and Wally is in a particular mood. Been buying shots for the last hour.”

I could barely remember the last time I’d had a shot. “You’re not driving are you?”

“No. Ian has my keys.”

“Good.”

“Is the studying too bad?” he asked.

“It’s okay. Boring, but coming along.”

“That’s good,” he said. A silence followed, long and deafening. A million things race through my mind. Questions and statements. Confessions and desires. But he was drunk. It wasn’t the time.

Realizing he wasn’t going to speak again, I said, “Be safe and call me tomorrow.”

“I will.”

I could still hear him on the other end, not hanging up. I didn’t either, wondering what else he wanted to say. After a moment, came a barely audible, “Baby?”

“I’m here,” I said.

He took a deep, painful, breath. “I
miss
you.”

My chest tightened, and I snuggled into my pillow. “I miss you, too.”

Silence again.

“Alright, I’ll call you tomorrow.” And with that, he hung up. I stared at my phone, knowing what I wanted to do. Lucas was at his bar and he missed me. Well, I was going to him.

Lacey and Nicole had already told me they would be there tonight. It was the perfect opportunity for Paul to meet them. I texted him and told him to come. About forty-five minutes later, we were standing in the parking lot.

“Ready?” I asked him with a smile.

“Let’s do it,” he said, slapping my back.

“Ouch,” I chuckled and walked towards the door with him trailing behind me.

A bouncer asked for our IDs and I felt my brow furrow. So much had changed over the last few months. It was good that he had a bouncer, but it felt strange that I didn’t know about it. I realized that Lucas and I barely talked anymore. Our lives were pulling us away from each other.

Pushing the sadness away, I spotted the back of Wally’s head and made my way to the table. Lucas, Ian, Charles, Lacey, and Nicole were all there, drunk and loud. Lucas was leaning against the table, resting his head against his arm.

“Hey,” I said. “I decided to come!”

Lucas raised his head and smiled when he heard my voice. “Marzy!” he beamed, his drunken eyes glazed. He saw Paul over my shoulder and the smile melted away. I didn’t miss his fist clenching or his eyes narrowing.

“This is Paul,” I told the table, avoiding Lucas’ scowl. “We work together.” Paul gave everyone an awkward wave and then leaned over to whisper in my ear.

“Why does that guy look like he wants to kill me?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I whispered back. “I’ll talk to him.”

Ian pulled two chairs next to him and Paul and I sat. Lucas was at the other end of the table, glaring at us. Our eyes connected and he crooked a finger, beckoning me to him. Not wanting to leave Paul alone with no one to talk to, I held my finger up, smiling—hoping that would calm him. It didn’t. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.