Starting Over (14 page)

‘Yeah but . . . different to Callum. I . . .well, you don't need to know what I got up to, but with Callum, I'm telling you for your own good. You seem like a nice girl, genuine, and I don't want to see you getting hurt.'

I felt flattered that Joe would try to warn me, not that I couldn't look after myself. I got that Callum wasn't a boy to give your heart to. Not if you wanted it to stay in one piece. That wasn't to say I couldn't snog him. No point in totally missing out. But Joe warning me off? Did it mean that he was interested in me?

‘Oh really. You do realise that this is the second time you've told me to steer clear of a boy.'

‘Who else?'

‘Liam.'

‘Oh yeah, that guy in Greece. Well, he was a creep.'

After my encounter with Callum, I was feeling more confident than usual and I moved slightly closer to Joe. ‘You wouldn't have an ulterior motive for keeping these other boys away?' I said in a low soft voice.

Joe looked right into my eyes and I could tell he didn't mind me moving closer. His eyes filled with mischief. ‘Why? Just what are you suggesting, Miss Ruspoli?' he asked.

For the second time that morning, I got goosebumps. ‘I ...' My reply was drowned out by the bell for assembly that rang about a metre away from us, causing us to almost jump out of our skins. The playground began to fill pupils with heading inside.

Joe shrugged, smiled, and took a step back. ‘Later,' he said. And at last, I felt we were back where we left off at the end of the holidays. He'd said the same word at the airport after we'd spent the flight gabbing away.
Later.
But it was a loaded later.

Yabbadabbadoobie. What a start to the day,
I thought as I caught sight of Ruby and Nicole coming towards me.

‘Boys are like buses,' I said when I joined them. ‘You wait for ages for one and then two come along at the same time.'

‘Yeah,' said Ruby and without asking what I meant, launched into her latest episode of what was happening on Planet Ruby.

I didn't mind. I had two of the most gorgeous boys in the school interested in me and I spent the whole day floating between fantasies about them.
Callum or Joe? Well, I am a Gemini,
I told myself.
The sign of the twins, so they can have one each!
My inner glow of happiness lasted exactly until the last period of the day, which was art. I arrived a few minutes early and Mia was the only other person there.

‘Hi,' I said, giving her a bright smile.

She didn't reply.
That is so not fair,
I thought as I found myself a drawing board and paper.
I don't deserve this. I didn't ask Joe to dump her or even encourage him in any way at all before he did.

‘Mia, what's the matter?' I asked as I took a place next to her.

‘I think you know,' she said without looking at me.

‘Actually, I don't.'

Mia turned her back to me.

‘Listen, Mia, we have to be together in art until the end of the year. I really think we ought to try and get on.'

‘We don't have to,' she replied.

‘But I don't get it, Mia. I haven't done anything and if this is about Joe, I haven't done anything to come between you.'

‘Then how come we were getting along fine until you arrived,' she said, suddenly turning on me.

‘I've no idea, but I really don't think you breaking up had anything to do with me. Honestly.'

‘So you know then? I suppose it's all round the school that he dumped me.'

‘Noooo. I doubt it. I really do, and I'm sorry you broke up.'

‘Yeah, right,' said Mia and as others began to arrive for class, she got up and shifted her stuff again so that she was sitting as far away from me as possible.

For the rest of the class, I did a self-portrait which resembled a painting that Lewis used to have on his bedroom wall when he lived with us in Ireland. It's called ‘The Scream' by a painter called Edvard Munch and is of an agonised figure in black, with a skull for a head depicted against a blood-red sky. The skull has a toothless mouth open, screaming. I painted myself in place of the figure, wide mouth open in a silent scream.

‘Hmm. Interesting,' said Mr Bailey when he came round to look at everyone's work. ‘Bad day, huh?'

‘What do you think?' I asked.

Mr Bailey laughed. ‘Oh the angst of you teenagers,' he said like it was all one big joke. ‘How's the set-painting coming along?'

‘Like a slow train on the track to nowheresville.'

Mr Bailey cracked up again like I was the funniest comedian he'd ever met. ‘Excellent, excellent,' he said. ‘Carry on.'

After school, seeing as I had fifteen minutes before meeting Callum, I called Nicole's mobile to see if maybe she and Ruby were still around. I wanted to see them both and tell them about Mia and Joe. Hear what they thought. Hopefully get a bit of matey-type support.

‘Oh hi,' said Nicole flatly when she picked up.

‘Hi. Just wondered where you guys were.'

‘Busy busy, you know. We've got to get the latest edition of the school magazine out and it's giving us total nightmares.'

I was about to say that I'd come and help, when Nicole said, ‘Got to go. Toodles. ‘And she hung up.

Oh for puke's sake,
I thought.
Why didn't they ask me to go with them?
asked my inner Paranoid Penny.
I bet that they've been talking about me again and no doubt taken something I've said the wrong way.

Oh shut up,
said Sensible Sadie.
Stop obsessing.

All I want is to have friends that liiiiiiike me,
said Wimpy Wanda.

I ran my fingers through my hair.
Oh God, the voices are back,
I thought.
I need to meditate. That's what I need.
I remembered what the teacher in Greece had said about the mind being like the sea and on the surface were waves, sometimes choppy, sometimes calm, but whatever was happening on the surface, deep deep down was peace. I needed to feel that, so I decided to go into the church where I was supposed to be meeting
Callum and attempt to meditate my way back to sanity.

I made my way down the road and up to the church doors. Luckily they were open. I was immediately struck by the smell of frankincense. I recognised the scent because Mum used it in the face creams that she made for Aunt Sarah's shops. Inside, it felt cool and quiet and a welcome contrast to the busy street outside - like someone had pressed the mute button on a remote control. There were a couple of people in there besides me: an old lady at the front who appeared to be doing a rosary and another lady about halfway down. I slipped into a pew at the back and closed my eyes. As I sat there, I remembered Sensei's saying that I'd quoted to Dad, about how prayer is talking to God, meditation is listening.

I made myself focus on my breath in the way that I had been taught. Sensei had given two methods and sometimes I did one, sometimes the other. The first was to be aware of each breath as it went into the body and each breath as it left. Cool air going in the nostrils, warm air going out seconds later. Sensei'd said to breathe naturally, but to watch each breath with the kind of attention that a sentry on a gate would watch people going in and out - aware of each one. The second method was to shift the concentration to the abdomen area. Again we were told to focus on the breath and how, as we breathe in, the abdomen rises slightly, as we breathe out, it falls. For the second method, we were told simply to stay with the gentle rising and falling of the abdomen. It was some ancient Buddhist method apparently. I tried to focus and not to take
any notice of the thoughts that drifted in and out. As I sat there, I was aware that my mind was rambling all over the place, thinking about school, Nicole, Joe, Ruby, Kate, the scenery. I checked my watch. Another eight minutes to go before I met Callum. I made myself refocus.

I am still, not my thoughts.

Warm breath in the nostrils, cold breath out. No. No. Idiot, it's the other way around. Breathe cold air in, warm breath out.

Focus, focus.

I wonder if Callum will try and kiss me tonight. And if he does, what should I do? Snog him back or be cool?

Focus. Focus.

But I ought to have some kind of game plan.

That's true. Should I kiss him back or would that make me seem easy?

Hmm.

I wonder if anything will ever happen with Joe and I?

FOCUS, INDIA. YOU ARE SUCH CRAP AT STICKING WITH THIS.

Shut up. Go away, Bossy Knickers.

But you're away with the first thought that flies across your mind. Your concentration is PATHETIC.

Yeah, but can I help it if they come disguised as cute-looking boys?

Oh hell, too many voices. I am mad.

No. It's OK. I'm not. Everybody has this going on in their head. They're only thoughts. I am completely sane, just I have to go beyond, go deeper.

I refocused and then realised that it might be time to meet Callum.

No harm in being late,
said a voice that sounded distinctly like Erin's. Join the gang, I said to my inner Erin.
There's a whole pile of them in the back of my head, having a cocktail party.

I got up to go. As I headed towards the door, I noticed to my left that there was there was a statue of Mary, Jesus's mother, and beside it were notes in different handwriting. My curiosity got the better of me and I had to go and take a peek. As I studied them, I saw that they were prayers.

Please see my father through this sad time since my mother died. He is so lonely now without his lifetime companion. They were together for fifty years and he is lost without her.

For my son Michael who has leukaemia. Dear God, he's only twelve and I hate to see him suffer. Please give him strength to get through this difficult time. And his brother Jamie who doesn't know what to do to make it better and also suffers.

Please God, spare my brother Arthur who is in hospital.

Dear God, forgive me for my recent actions. I have let my family down time and again and feel I am of no worth. I have no job and feel that they despise me. Please help as I have no one else.

One after the other, pleas from the sad, the sick, the lonely, the
lost. I felt my eyes fill up with tears. Such simple requests. Straight from the heart.

I noticed that there were sheaves of paper and a pencil beneath the statue. I was about to write a message, but didn't know what to say.
What would I pray for? After reading the messages, I realise that my life is good,
I thought as I glanced at my watch and realised that I was going to be five minutes late and Callum would probably be outside.

I made my way out to the street again, but there was no sign of him. The pavements were quiet, just a few stray pupils making their way out of the gates. I noticed Leela on the other side of the road with her mates, Brook and Zahrah. She looked over and waved, then said something to the others. I waved back and I saw Leela hesitate, as if thinking about coming over, but then Brook linked her arm through hers and they walked on. I wondered what she had been going to come over for. I wished she had. I'd have liked to have had a chance to get to know her better. Ten minutes later, Mikey went past hand in hand with his new girlfriend. He also waved, and behind the girl's back, gave me the thumbs up.
Must be his crush from the French group,
I thought.A part of me felt a twinge of jealousy. Mikey was mine. Like my pet. OK, I didn't want him as a boyfriend, but he made me feel so special, like I was the most attractive and entertaining girl in the world. But then I was never going to go out with him, so I couldn't expect him to wait for me for ever, hanging on my every word and writing poetry about unrequited love. I waved back and hoped that the fact he had a girlfriend now
wouldn't mean that we couldn't still be mates.

I waited half an hour. Forty minutes ... but there was no sign of Callum. I got out my phone to see if there was a message, then remembered that I hadn't given him my number. I quickly dialled his. It was on voicemail.

I felt my heart sink. Stood up on my very first date in London. How pathetic is that?

I tried to call Erin. I got her voicemail. I thought about calling Nicole or Ruby again but didn't fancy another brush off.
I so wish I had someone I could call without any agenda or paranoia about how they're going to react,
I thought as I went back into the church, picked up a pencil under the statue and wrote,
Dear God, if you get these messages, please answer everyone's prayers and please look after my family and Erin and please can I make some good friends at my new school, even just one would do - someone like Erin if that's at all possible. Thanks a lot.

I Blu-tacked my prayer up with the others and left the church.
I've tried the listening to God bit,
I thought,
now let's see if he's listening to me.